10 Reasons Why “Get Over It” Is The Worst Advice After Being Cheated On

The devastating words “just move on” after betrayal often cause more harm than the infidelity itself. Like an elephant stubbornly refusing to leave the room, unaddressed betrayal trauma grows larger the more we attempt to ignore it. This raw, honest conversation delves into why rushing the healing process sabotages genuine recovery and creates deeper wounds for both partners.

When betrayal shatters your reality, hearing that you should “get over it” feels like being betrayed all over again. This dismissal creates a secondary trauma—silencing your pain, invalidating your emotions, and blocking the accountability necessary for true healing. Through exploring ten reasons why “just move on” fails, we uncover how avoidance tactics like sweeping affairs “under the rug” create emotional distance that becomes impossible to bridge without confronting uncomfortable truths.

For those struggling with a partner unwilling to engage in repair, this episode offers validation and practical guidance. Healing is possible even when your spouse refuses to help, but it shouldn’t be done alone. By choosing courage over comfort and facing pain rather than avoiding it, betrayed partners can reclaim their power and create lasting healing—whether the relationship survives or not. Your future self deserves the gift of complete healing, not the false promise of moving on before you’ve had the chance to process what happened.

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Email me: hello@lifecoachjen.com for any comments or questions.

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My website is www.lifecoachjen.com

Transcript

Welcome to my podcast. Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.

So oftentimes when your spouse tells you like had an affair, it’s a shock obviously to your system. And then you have to process and time does not heal. But what happens is your spouse who just told you this. They just want it to get over quickly. They’ve been holding this secret and now it’s out. And so they many times, many of my clients they get frustrated because it’s like my spouse just says can’t you just move on and let’s ignore this elephant in the room and just move on. And they’re like well, I don’t see the elephant. Well, the elephant is there. Or the other saying is like let’s just sweep the center of the rug and move on. And I’ve done all of those things and I’m just going to tell you, the elephant does not leave unless you get it to leave, and all the things that you’ve swept under the rug come back bigger, more intense and harder, and so it is not a way to resolve betrayal and to heal. And I was just curious, like, where do those phrases like sweep under the rug and ignore the elephant in the room? Because they both refer to avoiding an obvious problem or an uncomfortable situation. And I think it’s interesting because I’ve already done a podcast about being uncomfortable. We don’t like being uncomfortable. We don’t want to have these hard conversations because we think it’s going to be too hard. But guess what’s too hard? If you sweep it under the rug and ignore the elephant in the room, it almost becomes impossible to move forward and to create an amazing marriage. If you want to stay together or create a, an amazing divorce, okay, okay, anyways, I just think those are such we just say them all the time and I just think they’re interesting idioms that we use for things that are really hard. We’re not like sweeping happiness under the rug, right? We’re not sweeping good things under the rug. It’s always really hard things. It’s because we want to avoid and ignore them.

So another 10 reasons why just move on hurts more than it helps after betrayal. So, number one it silences the betrayed partner’s pain A hundred percent. It does partner’s pain A hundred percent. It does it. Just it’s like the person that was unfaithful doesn’t want to talk about it because they’re uncomfortable and it makes them look bad or feel bad. So it’s like I can’t handle this.

So if you’re the person the betrayer and it’s because you need to get just comfortable, yeah, this is what I did and this is the part of repair that I didn’t think about when I was having sex with the secretary or, you know, looking at porn or whatever you were doing to betray your spouse. Right, this is the part, if you want your marriage to work, that you’re going to have to deal with Because you just can’t shut it down and be like it doesn’t matter. I already told you everything. Well, usually that’s also a lie, because it’s called like the trickle effect or whatever. Like you just told us everything you thought was important, but there’s a lot more that you didn’t tell us us. Everything you thought was important, but there’s a lot more that you didn’t tell us.

And this will invalidate the betrayed person’s emotions and experiences. Silence feels like rejection all over again. And if you can relate to this like I can, it’s so true Sometimes well, anytime, that you need to talk about it. You need to talk about it even if it’s 10 years later. I mean, if you’re still talking about this in 10 years, that means you never fully healed. And so that’s just a curiosity, like, oh, maybe I have some more healing to do. But if it’s in the first two years of this happening and you’re not allowed to talk about it and say in the first few months you’re not allowed to talk about it, it’s going to fester Remember, it’s going to get bigger. The elephant is still there, just no one’s allowed to talk about it. And the person your spouse needs to talk about it with is you, the person that had the affair. So, and if you can’t talk to your affair partner which for me, I had to do most of my healing on my own with my coach and therapist because my spouse was unavailable, because we were divorced, right, and really when we were married we were sweeping it under the rug, right, like he was not giving me any space, like I might have had a week or like two conversations, like, okay, let’s talk about it, and then after that couldn’t talk about it. And if I did, why would you bring that up? Like aren’t we over this? We moved on right. Like no, we didn’t move on, I didn’t move on, okay.

Number two it avoids accountability. Healing requires the person who broke trust to take responsibility, not just for the affair but for the emotional fallout. Moving on without repair feels like emotional abandonment. So if you’re feeling this way, right, it’s because your partner isn’t taking accountability. You cannot repair your marriage if they are not 100% accountable and take 100% ownership for the affair. If they continue trying to blame you, in my, my opinion, it’s a futile effort on your part to try to save that marriage and you just need to focus on yourself. And it could be as you start healing yourself. They’re going to come along with you, but they might not. But you’re going to be healed enough that you’ll be able to look at your spouse and be like you know what I’m done, I’m moving on. Number three it sends the message your healing isn’t my priority, a hundred percent it does.

If one person is ready to move on and the other is still bleeding out, skipping the repair process communicates that one person’s comfort matters more, and this. I mean, I see this all the time for the betrayed partner. They were bleeding out while they were having the affair and then somehow they felt better once it got discovered. Sometimes not all the time, or maybe they’ve told you they’ve stopped having the affair, but they’re still having the affair. So they fine, they have convinced themselves, they’ve somehow rationalized it in their mind and you’re bleeding out on the floor. I always imagine like it’s not just like a cut, it is like a bullet hole in your heart and they’re just trying to tell you like, get over it. And you’re like I can’t get over it, like I do not see this. Do you not see me trying? And you’re not going to be able to. If you don’t have space to communicate how you feel and to process and get the right help and get the true healing you need, okay, it’s just not something you can put a band-aid over. We need to have like surgery. This is surgery to remove the bullet.

Number four it deepens the mistrust when someone just says just move on and get over it. Trust isn’t rebuilt through avoidance. When someone refuses to engage in honest, hard conversations, it confirms the belief that they still can’t be trusted. So if your spouse isn’t willing to have these conversations with you. Now I get like, sometimes we get in the minutiae of what did she say, what did she look like, what exactly did you do, what did you eat at the dinner that you took her to on valentine’s day or whatever right. Like women especially, I think we get in. I know this is me. I I’m like well, what did she wear? What were you wearing? I want to know details and my brain somehow really needs details. Not everyone is like that, but sometimes I get so caught up in the details that I miss the other things. But it’s important.

We’ve got to have those hard conversations and, yes, they’re uncomfortable. That’s why, maybe meeting with a therapist, you have someone neutral there, right, writing it down, speaking a voice message, and so then the person can like hear the voice message and then write down their thoughts and feelings. Right, sometimes, especially when things are so heated and pretty intense a lot of intense emotions it might be hard, because the other thing that happens is you’re both yelling at each other. No one is hearing each other, your nervous system is completely shot, you’re in fight, flight or freeze, so maybe one of you is numb, one of you is in fight and you’re talking at each other. You’re not hearing each other, and so we’ve got to bring yourself down, get yourself in your zone, bring your CEO brain online and have those tough conversations. That might have to be done a little more creatively than just talking, because emotions are high. You just want to tell them to F off and that they’re a jerk.

I was reading one of my journals a few days ago and I was like, wow, that was my swearing era, because I don’t usually swear. But oh, I did like a few years ago when I was first going through my divorce. I didn’t well, I swore divorce. I didn’t well, I swore using my voice. But also in my journal I was like, wow, but that was very, that was very therapeutic for me. So don’t judge yourself if you’re like what is wrong with me? Who have I become? Sometimes we have to do that.

Okay, number five it feels like gaslighting. It feels like gaslighting being told we’ve already talked about this is unhelpful or you need to let it go. It can feel like you’re being told you’re overreacting or that your ongoing pain is the problem. That adds another layer of trauma, of trauma. So sometimes we have to talk about something a hundred times before it internalizes into our body and our mind and our soul. Right?

If you’re the betrayer, the unfaithful partner, it’s not your job to decide how many times we get to talk about it. Right, you want to talk about it in healthy ways, but sometimes we just have to hear it because it’s really hard for someone that’s been betrayed that is, a very loyal person like myself to fathom the idea that the person that they loved would go not only talk to someone else, but then go have sex with them, right, and tell another person that they loved them. Our brains have a hard time really thinking that to be true, understanding that it’s really hard, and so our reality is completely shot because the person that we were told is going to love us and be our partner forever and going to, you know, do all the things, and they are also telling us these things and then we find out they were lying to us. It’s just hard for our brain and so we might need to talk about it 10 times or 20. And maybe also it’s important to find a friend or a therapist. So you’re not always talking to your spouse, right, because that can be hard and build a wedge and so finding someone you can talk about it with.

Number six it blocks true intimacy. Real intimacy grows through emotional vulnerability. Refusing to talk about the betrayal keeps the relationship stuck in surface level connection and it will breed resentment. So if you are trying to rebuild your marriage, this is important we have to be emotionally vulnerable. And in order to be emotionally vulnerable, you’re going to have to hear the hard things that are hard to hear and talk about those things. We cannot just sweep them under the rug and ignore them.

Number seven it forces the betrayed partner into isolation. If the person who caused the harm won’t process the pain, the betrayed partner is left to heal alone, which can feel like being betrayed again, and I think you know this happens more often than not. But you don’t have to be alone. There are so many people out there, myself included, that want to help you that totally can help you. So if you’re choosing to do this alone, that is your choice, and I’m gonna say it’s not a very good one, because it’s important. You need support. This isn’t do it yourself. I’ll read a book. I’ll listen to a few podcasts, like this one. Yeah, that’s helpful. But you need someone to help you so they can see your brain, see what you’re thinking, see what you’re feeling. You’ve got to process this. This is something that has to be felt in your body, processed in your mind, in order to heal. So if you feel like you’re in isolation, just know that is a choice and you can choose something differently today.

Number eight it delays or destroys the healing process if you sweep this under the rug. You can’t shortcut grief. Healing requires time, space and repeated repair. Trying to bypass that process always backfires later. This is so true. We have to process this and everyone processes things differently, and I know it’s hard when you have little kids. Well, just when you have kids, it’s even harder, okay, because you also have to continue being a mom or a dad or going to work and providing for your family. It is hard. Set out time in your week for healing. This is a time to slow down to you know any extras in your life? Get rid of them. You don’t need them. This is time to heal.

And I laugh because years ago we supposedly, you know we’re taking everything out of our extra out of our life to really heal as a family, and I think I was working on it. I don’t think my husband ever did. It was always my problem to fix. That’s how I view my experience with betrayal. It was always my problem to fix and I for sure I worked hard on it. I really tried to fix it. But now I know like, oh no I. There was so much I needed from my spouse to heal and I never got that. And that’s okay, because I’ve been able to heal without his help, Thank goodness, like thank goodness I could. But it’s so much easier and more helpful if your spouse is willing to help you.

Number nine it reinforces power imbalances. Often the person who had the affair wants their control back on their terms. Refusing to talk can be a subtle way to regain power and avoid the discomfort of facing what they did 100%. I see this all the time. I’m going to say more with men than women, but for sure women do it too. They just do it too. They just do it differently. And so I think, realizing the only person you can control is yourself. You can’t control your spouse. So what are you going to do about it? If you don’t put them back in the power, meaning you let them do them and you do you, they won’t have control over you and then you can figure out and heal on your own if they’re not willing to help you.

The last one is number 10. It invalidates the depth of the betrayal and I kind of have talked about this throughout. But really infidelity is a deep wound. It’s just not a bad day, it’s not like, oh, I just made a little mistake. It is a deep wound that will change your life. Trying to move on too quickly minimizes the betrayal and leaves lasting emotional scars. And I don’t think people realize for sure I hope that they don’t realize the amount of damage they’re getting ready to do to their family when they decide to go to dinner with the cute new office manager or the trainer that they’ve been working out at the gym with, or the million other people that they could be having the person they met online or oh, this is classic you know the person they met. They dated in high school and they’ve somehow reconnected through Facebook right, that happens all the time or the woman I don’t even know if we do Craigslist, but however you find a woman of the night, an escort or a prostitute, whatever, right Like that moment that that choice is made destroys everyone that you supposedly told you loved, and so that wound is going to take a long time to heal.

It’s not a mistake. I don’t care if it was one time or a hundred times. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a choice that that person made, and now we’ve got to repair it. You just can’t although many people try to sweep it under the rug ignore right. That’s going to cause more damage than the actual betrayal itself, than the actual betrayal itself, because it’s going to re-traumatize and create more scars and more healing will be needed.

And so I think this is important whether you’re the person that was betrayed and you’re scared to talk to your spouse because they’re refusing, they’re telling you to move on, you’ve got to get outside help. You’ve got to heal this for yourself. If it’s not for your marriage, it’s for yourself and for your kids. Your future self will be so grateful. You did a healthier, happier life Like for me, I just from my past self to where I am today is night and day, and I’m so grateful that I chose healing over hate and anger and not healing, because I chose not healing for a very long time, way too long, and I just that can’t be an option for people. Please choose healing. It’s going to change your life and make your life so much better.

So, anyways, I hope this was helpful. If you like this podcast, please like and share it with your family and friends. I would love for you to leave me a review that helps other people find my podcast, especially those people that are dealing with betrayal. Those are the people that I want to listen, so hopefully this can help them. Anyways, have a great week and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.

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A woman with blonde hair wearing a white turtleneck and plaid jacket smiles at the camera.

Hi, I’m Jennifer

I love helping women and men heal from betrayal. I originally started this podcast with my husband and since my divorce I have taken it solo. I love sharing and talking about the 50/50 of life and providing tools to help you along your path to healing.