Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So I actually had someone ask me this question and I just thought, oh, this is actually a really good, would be a good podcast episode. So hopefully you agree with me trying to figure out whether to stay married or get divorced after you find out your spouse had an affair, and I think we all have asked ourselves this question and it’s complicated, like people all the time will say, well, just leave right. Like they give their opinion, because I talk about this all the time, obviously on my Instagram, my podcast in my life, and I’m like it is so much more complicated than a one-word answer or what you think you would do if you’ve never had this experience right. There’s lots of people in the audience that or you know in your life that are telling you what they would do Well, if my spouse ever had an affair, this is what I would do Well, they’ve never experienced it, and so it’s really hard and a lot more complicated. So I thought of 10 reasons why, like what would get you to either want to stay married or get divorced, and so I would love to hear what you think as well. But these are what I came up with. Number one fear of regret, and I for sure had this. This is why I think, in 2018, 2019, that, even though I had filed for divorce, but my former spouse and I reconciled for the next, I guess five years, until 2022 when we officially got divorced, is because I think that was like more my awakening moment. That affair was an awakening moment for me and I thought, oh my gosh, like I personally had a lot of regrets. Oh my gosh, like I personally had a lot of regrets, or I was worried I would have a regret, like I had to make sure I did everything in my power to make our marriage work right. That was my thought.
A lot of people think, like what if I leave and later I realize I made a mistake? I think a lot of people find themselves in this position. They get divorced and they’re like what did I think the grass was greener on the other side? It’s not, my problems just came with me. That’s why a lot of second marriages fail, because they just jump from one marriage to another without the healing People. They’re afraid to make decisions and also when we discover our spouse has had an affair, we have a lot of emotions going on and so it’s probably not a great time to make a decision to stay married or leave your marriage.
Right, you need to do some healing first, but for sure, fear of regret. So I just have learned through my coaching experience and just through life like you get to choose whether you want to regret your decision or not. Like it’s an option, it’s optional, regret is an optional emotion, and so I just always choose. For right now I made the right decision. And for me also like regret not leaving sooner, like why didn’t I leave sooner? But I just had to make peace with the thought that you know what I left at the best possible time with my kids’ ages and things. Like I can’t change my past. So I’ve just got to accept and embrace my past. So I would just encourage you if you’re finding yourself with lots of regret, whether, like, why didn’t I leave sooner or why didn’t I try this or that, like, just decide, you did your best, and I think that will be helpful and help you move through your decision.
Number two, and I think maybe this should be number one concern for our kids. How will this affect my kids? Now, the thing is, all of our children are different, even in the same family. For me, all of my kids have dealt with my divorce and their dad having an affair differently of my kids have dealt with my divorce and their dad having an affair differently. We focus so much on our kids that we forget to focus what we want and what we need. That was for sure an issue for me. Right Like I’m I think I’m being so like this amazing mom, I’m just staying for my kids. How noble is that right? No, it was. It was very destructive on myself as well as my kids. How noble is that right? No, it was very destructive on myself as well as my kids.
Because we believe somehow in our society that, you know, kids need a mom and a dad, right? Even if the marriage is unhealthy. And then sometimes, you know our kids are learning, like what we’re willing to tolerate, like are we teaching them a good example by just staying married and like sucking it up and staying together for the kids, like that’s a lot of pressure on kids and as they get older, when they’re little, they’re not going to see that and but they might feel it. But as they get older, they’re going to be like resentful maybe of the parents because you guys stayed for me, why? Or they might be mad that you know, did you give up so easily? Right, like so, every kid is different. You can’t stay or leave because of your kids. Well, you can, you can, but you’ve got to choose it on purpose and like your reasons for it. Just don’t automatically decide if you have kids and sometimes two healthy homes are better than one very unhealthy, toxic home, or one toxic home and one healthy home is better than one toxic home. So, if you’re worried, like well, I don’t, you know, don’t think my spouse is going to do a good job, but at least they have 50% of the time at your house where you get to control that and they are going to start seeing, you know, the other parent who maybe isn’t so amazing and more toxic. They’re going to see that and know that, and so sometimes our kids have to learn these hard lessons and we can’t prevent them from learning hard lessons in this life.
Number three love and emotional attachment is an obstacle. I still love them. Does that mean I should stay right, honestly, like I get it, because I loved my husband even after I divorced him? I just I loved the guy even though he was not very lovable, but I did. But the thing is, love does not cure all right. Sometimes we for sure have to love ourselves more than the situation, especially if it’s emotionally abusive, if they’re having an affair and continue lying to you, all these things. Love is not the right emotion to be fueled by and you just have to realize it’s not going to just disappear. You have to really work at it. For me I’ve already talked about this I had to go from love to hate to neutral with my former spouse, and that took a lot of work and energy, but it worked. And so now I’m just very neutral. I have no feelings really for him whatsoever. Of course the every now and again occasional irritation or disappointment or like really you did that. But then I’m like, oh no, that doesn’t surprise me, right, like so I can work through it quickly. So just because you love someone doesn’t mean you need to stay married to him, and it is an obstacle, you’re going to have to figure it out. But because we have these deep emotional bonds, because we’ve, you know, been married to someone, usually for decades, and we’ve had children with them, they know everything about us, they know our family, all the things. Yet they sat and lied to us, sometimes for weeks, for months, for years. So it just it’s complicated, right. So that’s for sure an obstacle.
Number four loss of identity and shared history. I think this is huge because for me, my identity was I was so-and-so’s spouse, they were my husband, right, it’s like we’re connected, we’re a team, our family is, you know, we used to call it K-Jam 6, the Townsend 6, like all the things that we were. We were this team, and so who am I by myself? What does that mean? What does that look like? We have shared history and memories together. I mean looking through photo albums. For me I’ve gotten better at it, but but it’s complicated. My daughter just recently had a birthday, so we were looking through her photo album to look. She wanted to find a picture of her first birthday. And guess who was at her first birthday? And guess who shares a birthday with our daughter is my former spouse and so, of course, every birthday they shared a birthday and there’s lots of pictures and it’s fine Like I can kind of look at it with different eyes now.
But at the beginning, when I was first going through all this, hard, hard and it’s sad because it’s like you don’t have that person to talk to about, person to talk to about they have the same memory maybe, right, but you’re not calling them and be like, oh my gosh, do you remember when our daughter was one? Right? Like there’s not that, at least for me there’s not. Now, every divorce is different. Some people choose to stay friends and that’s fine, but in my divorce that’s not how it worked, but in my divorce that’s not how it worked. So that’s complicated, that’s an obstacle, because it feels hard.
But what I want to tell you is you can still keep your memories. You might just have to shift them a little bit and be like you know what that was at the time. You were having a great time at the birthday party, right? If you would have known, maybe, what was going on now. Back then it would have been different, it would have looked different, and so you can still hold on to your memories and maybe write them down If you feel the need to share them. If you’re like, oh my gosh, I wish I could call so-and-so my former spouse. Or you’re like, oh my gosh, I wish I could call so-and-so my former spouse, or whoever you’re wanting to share it with, write it down if they’re not available or you’re not talking to them anymore, and still get it out of you. I think it’s important. This is a big one.
Shame and stigma are obstacles. What are people going to think if I get divorced? What are people going to think if I stay married and forgive my spouse for having an affair? Right For those people that know about it. We think a lot and tend to care a lot about what other people think about us, and I just want you to think is that serving you Because it’s none of their business? What if it’s none of their business? Because it’s none of their business, what if it’s none of their business Because it’s not their marriage, it’s not their life? So quit putting so much weight on what other people are going to think about you, whether you stay married or leave, there’s always the pressure especially. That’s why I always caution people who they tell it is important to definitely talk to someone whether a friend, like just a couple confidant people, as well as a coach or a therapist or both, because you need to heal and get it out and process this but to every family, friend, your faith community, everyone’s going to have different opinions and so it’s important for you to know like it’s okay to get divorced and it’s also okay to stay married.
If that’s what you’re choosing and I think we I feel like we’re getting a little bit away Like you didn’t fail at your marriage. If your spouse cheated on you and wants to get divorced, that’s not you failing right. That’s you choosing a different path. You’re choosing to end your marriage because they already chose it for you without your knowledge. They’re like we already wanted to be with someone else and now you found out about it and so let’s get divorced, right, like you didn’t fail at anything. You just are now choosing to end your marriage. So I just think reframing your story about it is important. So number six this is a big one.
This probably kept me in my marriage for a lot longer was financial fear. I was a stay-at-home mom so I completely relied on my spouse for everything, all my financial life, and we had a very good financial life. You know, if I think we did. I lived in this amazing house, a neighborhood. I had anything and everything that I wanted and needed, and so it was scary. So the thought, like, am I going to be able to afford to live on my own? And even though we know, okay, in divorce you get half, at least in Utah you get half of everything, and then there’s alimony and child support.
But the fear because the average person like me and you we’re not talking to attorneys and I mean I was shaking. I’ll never forget. I called my brother. My dad had been an attorney forever. I called and said how I need to call an attorney and I sat in a random church parking lot after I dropped my kids off at school and called like in this back of this parking lot and called the attorney.
I was shaking so bad because I was like what am I doing? It was like reality was hitting me and I was thinking it’s such an out-of-body experience Like I don’t even know what questions to ask, I don’t know what I’m doing. It felt like I was doing something wrong, which is really weird because I’m like, no, like I was doing something wrong, which is really weird because I’m like, no, I’m not doing anything wrong. Like my spouse literally has moved out and is living with another woman. I don’t I think I need to get divorced, right.
But I was terrified and so that’s totally normal the impact, and so I would encourage you if you’re considering just talking to a divorce attorney, wherever you live, you can just talk to someone. It’s okay, like some people do it as a free consult, some people you had to spend, like I remember, like three or $400, but it’s worth it because the knowledge and information you’re going to gain during that one hour phone call is going to help you make a decision. And the best decision. Because if you know, like right now you’re spinning, thinking, and they’re probably telling you like I’m not giving you anything, I’m going to take the kids away from you, like a lot, there’s a lot of that going on in a lot of people’s marriages, that that didn’t happen in mine, but in a lot of people’s divorces. But so just for your sake, get the facts so you’re not spinning and, oh my gosh, what if they’re going to take the kids away from you. They’re not going to take the kids away from you.
Most states, I think it’s at least 50-50,. Right, and I know that’s hard. It’s really unfair. I saw a post the other day. It’s like your spouse cheats on you and then takes your kids away from you 50% of the time. It’s very unfair. So you got to get out of the mindset that this is fair, because it’s not fair. You just have to make it equitable, right? I think if you can think among those terms, that might be easier for you.
Okay, number seven uncertainty about change. Nobody likes change, and so it’s an obstacle, because it’s like okay, am I going to have to move? Where am I going to live? Am I going to have to go back to work? All the things as well, as are they going to be able to change? If you’re trying to reconcile and they’re like I’ll change, I’ll do anything, and then it’s like, really, and I always tell people you’ve got to watch their actions more than their words, because people, they’ve been lying to you, filling your head full of all sorts of things while they’ve been having the affair, so are they doing things differently? What are they doing? Are you the one calling all the people and all the therapists and all the addiction recovery or whatever you’re doing? Are you buying all the podcasts and the books and then giving it to them, or are they doing on their own right? So that’s really important to pay attention and are they willing to rebuild trust with you. Are they yelling at you every time you ask to look at their phone? Or when you say, hey, I thought you told me you’re going to the grocery store and I just looked at your find your iPhone and it said you were at this restaurant. And then they start yelling at you. Behavior is a language. Listen to it.
Guilt and self-blame can make this an obstacle making this decision. Blame can make this an obstacle making this decision because and the person having the affair really usually leans into this they want us to believe it was our fault that they had to have an affair. You just weren’t very nice, or we weren’t having sex enough, or you know, if your body looked different, you know, if you hadn’t had my four kids and you looked more attractive to me, then I wouldn’t have had to have an affair. This person just came on to me at work and you know, I just she just got me, they just understood me, they just I like what they have to say and what they contribute. Whatever they’re saying, I mean, I’ve heard it all and then some and not one of those reasons is a reason to have an affair. So just know, it isn’t your fault. Work on believing that, no matter what they say. And that’s why having someone help you through this is so important, because our mind goes to well, if it was my fault, then I can fix it, and then I can change it, and then we can get back to how we were or what I wanted my marriage to look like, right. So we try to convince ourselves that, okay, well, if it was my fault, then I have more control over fixing it than if it’s their fault. I can’t control if they want to fix it or not. And so, anyways, that’s for sure an obstacle.
Number nine hope for redemption. I want to believe we can fix it kind of went into number eight, right, like, of course, we want to believe in our spouse, we want to believe in ourselves, that we can overcome things. We can forgive 70 times. 7, right, if you’re religious, like, okay, I’m going to forgive them. I mean the amount of forgiveness I gave to my former spouse is nauseating because it meant nothing to him. And so the person that I worked on and you know, inevitably was forgiving myself and that created so much more compassion and healing for me than forgiving him ever did. And so I know we have hope and I believe in hope and I believe people can change. But the person I want you to focus on changing is yourself. What inside of you needs to be healed from this betrayal? To be healed from this betrayal Number 10, the last one is lack of clarity, confusion, right.
When your body experiences betrayal trauma, it’s very traumatic. We oftentimes go into a frozen position, we become survivors, we are in survival mode, and so it is really hard and probably impossible to make a decision from survival mode. And so you just are like I don’t know what I want, right, because one day they’re so nice and they’re bringing you flowers and I’m so sorry I did this and this is so terrible. And the next day they’re telling you you know why are you fat and you know what did you do all day and you just spend my money, right? Like it’s like these.
I used to call it Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, like two personalities are coming out, and so you’re confused. You’re like wait, I thought you said you wanted to work on this and yet you didn’t come home last night, or you were out really late and I looked where you were and you were lying to me, and so I just think why it’s another reason important to be able to understand where you are Are you in fight, flight or freeze? So that you can find things that can bring you back into your zone of resilience, so you’re able to make a good decision. Right, you can’t make a decision when you’re in fight, flight or freeze, and so we have to bring our CEO part of our brain online and we might need to go on a walk, figure out what helps you, calms you down or elevates you out of this depressed state, so that you can make a decision and have people on your team that are supporting you, helping you, make the decision for you, not what they want, but what you want and need. Anyways, this is complicated. There are so many obstacles. I’m sure there’s a lot more that I didn’t think of, but these were the 10 that I thought of and I’m just going to review them really quick.
Number one fear of regret. Number two concern for the children. Number three love and emotional attachment. Number four loss of identity and shared history. Number five shame and stigma. Number six financial fear. Number seven uncertainty about change. Number eight guilt and self-blame. Number nine hope for redemption. And number 10, lack of clarity. I hope these were helpful tips and help you understand yourself a little better of why it’s hard to make a decision about whether to stay or leave your marriage after betrayal. Have a beautiful day. If you like this podcast, please share it with your family and friends and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
