Welcome to my podcast, Happily Even After. I’m Life Coach Jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes, and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So today I’m going to talk about the power of one word. And I’m going to give you four of those one words that can really help you in healing and you know processing betrayal or whatever else you’re dealing with. It’s just a simple tool that is a little mind shift, mindset shift for you. Okay. It’s not complicated, it’s just something that will help you. And the first word that I’m going to teach you is yet. Y-E-T. Sometimes one tiny word can shift your whole emotional experience. And I’m going to give you some examples. When you’re healing from betrayal, your brain tends to think in absolutes, like I can’t trust them. I’ll never be okay again. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Those thoughts feel heavy. And I’m sure you have a million more thoughts. I’m just going to share a few. They feel final. They leave no room for growth or grace or possibility. But what if you added one little word? I can’t trust them yet. Can you feel the difference between I can’t trust him or them? I can’t trust them and I can’t trust them yet. Just saying it out loud, your body softens a little, at least mine does. My breath is a little deeper. It’s like cracking open a window in a stuffy room and like, oh, there’s space, there’s air again, right? Because it’s a little hope. It’s a little like, oh, your brain’s like considering other options. So when we’re using the word yet, I think it gives a little bit of hope. It reminds your brain that this isn’t permanent. So when you say I don’t trust my spouse yet, it doesn’t mean like you’re never going to trust them again. You might not, but you might. Like it gives you hope. Like, oh, maybe I can feel like myself again. I can’t forgive them yet, right? But maybe there is a chance that you can forgive them. Adding yet doesn’t magically make things easier, but it does give you permission to still be in the process of feeling your emotions, right? When I was in the middle of my own healing, I remember thinking, I’ll never be able to trust anyone ever again. And that thought felt very final and really hard for me because I thought, well, but what if I want to get remarried again? What if, what if I do want to meet someone? What if I want? Like, how will I know? But from my own experience, like I have friends and I have kids. I know. My body knows when someone’s lying to me. My body knows when they aren’t trustworthy. I shouldn’t trust them. I don’t want to trust that person because I’ve learned to trust myself. And so, but I think this just gives you a little bit of relief. It just calms you. And I think for me, maybe someday I can trust someone again. And I just think that’s why adding this word to your thought can be really powerful. It’s not about pretending everything’s fine, it’s about reminding yourself that change is possible. And I do believe change is possible. The next word is unless. I think this word is great for boundaries. This one brings structure to your healing. I won’t heal. This period feels very like doomsday, right? It’s it’s not very happy, but I won’t heal unless I take care of myself first. It adds action. Unless I get help, unless I do something. I won’t know if we can rebuild. That feels very like what? But if you add unless we both do the work, right? So that’s creating boundaries, right? You can choose healing on your own, and your husband or wife doesn’t choose healing. It’s like they’re not all in on your marriage. And so that’s going to let you know they haven’t done the work. And so, yeah, you probably won’t heal with them, or you’re probably not going to be able to rebuild with them if they’re not willing to do it. I won’t find peace unless I let go of what I can’t control. This is, in my opinion, so important. I had a client do this, that I had him draw a circle on a piece of paper. And I said, I want you to write everything in the circle that you have control over, and then everything outside your circle that you don’t have control over. And it was very eye-opening for him. And it is very helpful, but focus on the things in this inside of that circle. And I would challenge you to do the same thing. The only thing that you have control over is on the inside of the circle, and that’s what you need to focus on for healing. So just remember like, unless is a boundary word, it connects emotion to action. This is how I’m feeling, and then this is an action that I can do. It says I’m not helpless unless there’s something I can choose, right? When you say I can’t believe them unless their actions match their words, which I tell people to do all the time. You have to really pay attention. Are they just saying nice things that you want to hear and then you’re ignoring their actions? Or are they really doing the work? You’re not shutting down trust forever. You’re defining what healthy trust actually looks like. And that’s powerful. So I love that little word that can make a huge difference. The next word is and A N D, the word of wholeness. This is one of my favorites because and lets two truths exist at the same time. And I know I’ve talked about this before, but I’m angry and I still love them. So many people use that as judgment, like, why would I still love this person? But the thing is, you feel differently about them than maybe they feel about you, or you’re attaching. Well, if I loved someone, I would never do what they did, right? So I just like holding the space. Like you can still be angry and feel all those negative emotions and still love someone. It’s possible. Think about your kids, right? Most people, not everyone, love their kids unconditionally, and they’re really irritating sometimes. Kids can do some irritating things, and you still love them. So I think using that word and is helpful. I’m hurting and I’m healing. I’m scared and I’m learning to trust myself again. So look for opportunities to try experimenting with the word and. When we use and, we move away from black and white thinking. And this is hard for people. There are people in this world that are very black and white thinkers, but I think it’s an unhelpful way to live because we are humans and life is not black and white. It is really many forms of gray, in my opinion. There might be a few black things that we could mostly agree with, and a few more white things that we most most of us could agree on. But in general, the and opens that space for both to be true. We stop seeing ourselves as broken or weak or confused and start seeing ourselves as human. And that is the biggest gift you can give yourself. I was married to someone that could not see me as a human. And that was detrimental to my well-being. And I couldn’t see myself as human. I just saw myself as one mistake after another. And that is not good for your self-esteem or self-confidence, but we are all human. You can be grieving what was and hopeful for what’s next. I think that’s another beautiful thing, right? Like, yeah, we’re holding space for both to be true. You can feel broken and be rebuilding at the same time. And helps you hold the whole picture of who you are. That’s why I love the being the world’s okayest mom. I’m a great mom most of the time, and I suck at being a mom sometimes, and I’m not very patient sometimes. So I love this. This is, in my opinion, one of the things that’s really blessed my life. So try it. See if it helps you. Number four is okay. This is, I think, a word of compassion. This one brings comfort, it tells your nervous system, I’m safe to feel this. I’m not okay right now, and that’s okay, right? Do you see it? Like if you just said, I’m not, things are terrible right now. And then it’s like this judgment. That’s what I feel when I think that thought. But it’s okay that you’re not okay. You’re not supposed to be okay when you just discovered your spouse is cheating on you and lying to you, and it’s with someone from work and they’ve been going on business trips together and doing all the things that you wanted to do, right? And then you’re at home with the kids or you’re at work supporting your family, right? Whatever, whatever you’re doing, and that’s devastating. I still cry sometimes, and that’s okay. I still think about the affair, and that’s okay. You don’t have to have judgment. It’s just like compassion. Of course it’s okay. Whatever you’re doing, it’s okay. And it doesn’t mean like you’re gonna stay stuck in that because a lot of people think, well, if I say it’s okay, then I’m never gonna get out of this hole. Absolutely not. What’s gonna keep you stuck in that hole is judgment. When you have compassion, you will rise up and heal. It sounds a little counterintuitive, but it is so true. When I first started healing, I remember feeling so frustrated with myself. I think, why am I not over this yet? Why am I still crying? But adding, and that’s okay, gave me permission to be exactly where I was. You’re not doing it wrong if it still hurts. You’re not behind, you’re human, and that’s okay. So please try one of these or try all of them. Think of one thought that’s been playing on repeat in your mind lately. Maybe it’s I can’t do this. Now add a word, I can’t do this yet. I can’t do this, and that’s okay. I can’t do this unless I ask for help. Just notice how it feels in your body. Maybe your shoulders drop a little, maybe your breath is a little deeper. That small shift, that’s your body exhaling. That’s your brain realizing there’s still hope. Healing doesn’t always start with a big decision or a grand breakthrough. Sometimes it starts with one little word. So, friends, try this. The four words remember are yet, unless, and an okay. Start trying to put them in your vocabulary, put them in your thoughts at the end and see if it makes a difference. Because this will help you move through healing. People are like, well, how do I heal? By doing things like this, by adding these little words, because you’re going to have so much more compassion for yourself, so much more less like humanist. You’re going to allow yourself to be human. How you talk to yourself matters. I don’t think we realize the importance of our words sometimes, but it makes all the difference. And you’re going to start exploring new thoughts and realize, like, oh, I don’t believe that thought anymore. And I’m moving on to a different thought. So just know healing can be messy and complicated, but it doesn’t have to be super, super hard. Not as hard as you think it is. And what if just saying yet or okay or and or unless makes all the difference in your thoughts? Anyways, have a beautiful day. I’m so grateful for you listening to my podcast. If you liked it, please leave a review, share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachgen with onen.com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
