Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. I am so excited. I have a special guest here that has written a book, and I read it and I devoured it in two days. And if you know me, you know I do not read books, but I actually read this book. I didn’t even listen to it. You can listen to it, but I read it, and it was called Hope Rises by KB Adamson. And so she is here. She’s going to tell us a little bit about our story, and we’re going to talk a little bit about betrayal, trauma, and other things that go along with finding out your spouse of 40 years has been lying and cheating on you and living this double life. So thanks so much for being here, Cass. Thank you, Jen. I appreciate the opportunity. Tell us anything about you that you want us to know, and then maybe a, you know, just a little snippet. I know it’s a lot, so that’s why people are going to have to go read your book, but what do you want us to know about your story?
So
A 40-Year Marriage Unravels
this all came to light in 2020, just before COVID. And my husband and I had been married for 40 years. So yeah, I’m a retiree kind of person. We had, I’m not going to say a perfect marriage, but you know, I think it was an adequate marriage. I mean, we got along, we had a lot of things in common. We loved to do the same things. We had five children and had struggled through going to school together. And um, we moved a lot due to his career, even international moves. So we’d had a lot of adventures together, a lot of trials as well. But we just celebrated our 40th anniversary. He had had some custom jewelry made for me for the occasion and went out on Facebook and Instagram and mentioned how I had blessed his life in 40,000 ways. And so, I mean, I thought we had a pretty decent marriage, you know. It was January of 2020. And um, one day my son called me and he well, the weekend before the weekend before it was a Monday, but the weekend before my husband and I spent the whole weekend together. The whole weekend, gone out to dinner, we’d gone to a home and garden show. We just spent the whole weekend together. And um on the next day on Monday, my husband worked out of town most of the time, so he was out of town on Monday. And my son called. My son, my kids are most of my children are married now with children. And he called and he said, Hey, you know, can I can I come over? And I said, Well, yeah. But it was kind of weird because it was, you know, dinner time and he wanted to pop over. Well, he came with his two other sisters who were in town. And I thought, okay, this something’s up here. And they sat me down and they said, Mom, you know, on Friday, dad was caught at a strip club. And I thought, what? We’re a very religious family, you know, it’s not something he would do ever. And I remember thinking, Oh yeah, he told me he was going to be late coming home that night. He was out coming in from out of town and he had this perfectly reasonable excuse that the white, you know, the traffic and and he came home. And but I thought, there’s no way. You know, he was totally normal. And for many people, they might think, okay, well, it’s a strip club, that’s not the end of the world. But my kids had already figured out, they’d met together several times over that weekend, they’d figured this out. And they thought, if he goes to a strip club in town when he works out of town, this guy’s probably an addict. You know, he’s probably, I mean, they they think what is he doing out of town?
What yeah, he’s willing to do it in the possibility of seeing someone he knows or exactly.
Yeah, exactly. And so this, of course, I wasn’t realizing any of this. I’m just going, what? This doesn’t make any sense. So anyway, I I was just in shock. And so I said, Well, let’s let’s call your dad. Let’s call him and uh put him on speaker. And um, he just denied. And my kids were just dying because this is their dad who they loved, who they thought was their, you know, moral standard bearer, because he always was a you know good dad and always taught them right from wrong. And they’re just dying because they know he’s lying. Anyway, so I said, Well, you need to come home, take some days off work and come home. So, anyway, they left me there, um, wrote me a list. They said, Mom, you asked dad all these questions because we we need to know it. They had already figured it out. They go, This guy’s an addict. So he came home and we went over this list of, you know, are you seeing prostitutes? Have you, you know, do you go to massage parlors? You and it was like, yes on everything. Yes, yes, yes, yes. So he was honest. Well, which is amazing that he even admitted to it, but not with the numbers. Later on, I had yeah, the counselor told me later, she says, any number he gave you, put a zero at the end. Yes. And he said it’s always about 10% of what they really do. So anyway, um, I just I I was in such shock because we’d been married for 40 years, and as it turned out, you know, this had gone back from the very beginning. He’d been doing strip clubs and massage parlors from the very, very beginning of our marriage.
And so did you ever suspect anything, or was it because he was just mostly probably doing it when he was out of town for work?
You know, it’s really interesting. He I knew I knew he had some emotional issues. He’d he’d had a tough childhood, and I knew he he just couldn’t deal with conflict at all. So if we ever had an argument or something, he would just get in his car and drive off. Never resolve a he would never resolve the conflict.
Which is irritating, but you just probably got you just thought this is the way he is. And exactly.
Yeah, exactly. And so he would just drive off, and then he, you know, he’d come home late, you know, and I would ask him, Where did, you know, where did you go? And he says, I just drove around, or I went to a movie. What movie did you go to? I don’t even remember. I’m thinking, what? You know, but then he would be a super good husband after that, you know, and I thought this is the way he apologizes. He never said anything with regard to I’m sorry, or but then he would, you know, and now of course I know that’s you know, love bombing, but yeah, just and I thought, I’m just gonna let it go. It’s not, it’s not worth the fight. He was he was was he wrong? Yeah, he was wrong. Do I know he was wrong? Yeah, but now he’s being a good guy and he’s doing all the stuff I want him to. So I just let it go, you know. So was that an indication?
Yeah, could have been, but yeah, but for even 40 years ago, like you would never, you would never suspect your husband’s never prostitutes or going to a strip club or watching porn, right? Like that just isn’t even in our no frame of reference.
Never, never, never, never. Um, when we f when I finally started, the first night is when I got the most information out of him. Later on, he climbed up again. But yeah, I mean, this is stuff that happened. I I said, Well, what were you doing and when? And you know, this is when my kids were like newborn and they’re like in their 40s now. So I’m going, okay, this has been going on a long time.
So yeah, wow.
Shock, Rage, And PTSD Symptoms
So this, of course, the initial D-day, did you just shut down? Did you go into fight? Like, what was your response in those moments?
Did you it was originally just shutting down? Yeah, I just completely shut down. It was that first night, it’s like I went into our bedroom, locked the door, he went to the guest room, and then I basically told him, I don’t want to see you. I don’t I don’t care where you go, but I can’t he later on moved out, but there were a couple of weeks there where he hadn’t, and I said, if I’m home, you’re not. Yeah, I I I can’t even see you because I was honestly that first night, I was afraid I was gonna kill him. That sounds terrible, but I know it’s I thought totally normal. You know, I it’s like I hear about women finding out about husbands, and then you know, there’s a murder, and I thought, I get that now.
It’s like you are so upset.
Yeah, or we want to lorrain a bob at him, right? Exactly. That is exactly what I thought. Yes, where’s the knives? Where’s the I honestly? I was literally going to, you know.
Well, and the the fact he put you in so much danger too. I mean, oh my gosh, it’s amazing. I don’t know if you do have an STD, but if you totally could have, like very easy.
I I and that was another thing too. I I was just in shock, and my kids go, Mom, you gotta go get tested. I go, for what? I didn’t do anything. I go, Mom, you have to get tested. I go, holy crap. It’s just it’s so much humiliation, so much hurt, so much betrayal. You just honestly, it’s a I know why they have them husbands separate from their wives, because it’s you could really do them damage because you’re so angry.
Yeah, yeah. And when you’re hurt, you want to hurt people emotionally, physically, right? Yeah, it’s very intense. So what do you think? Obviously, physically, right? There’s a lot of impact, but I don’t you think the emotional impact is yeah, it was horrible, yeah.
It was horrible, yeah. I um, you know, before this happened, I would hear about people with PTSD, and I’d think, yeah, I don’t know. I think some people are milking it, you know. I’m not so sure that’s a reality. Oh my heavens, it is a hundred percent real. You just cannot think, you cannot work, you cannot function, and your brain is just not engaged, you can’t do it.
Yeah, yeah, a lot of fog. I know you talked about that a lot, having this fog and can’t make a thought or make a decision, and you’re just spinning in like disbelief because it’s I think it’s the reality, like trying to, I think reality is hard for people to finally accept our reality because we’ve planned this life. You planned 40 years with this man with this legacy of children and grandchildren and your future, and then your whole life changes. So when did you know that you couldn’t stay married, that you’re like, I’m I’m gonna for sure I’m gonna have to get divorced?
Filing For Divorce Before Ready
It’s it’s a really interesting question because I just couldn’t even fathom the thought of divorce. It’s like, I don’t, I’m not the kind of person that gets divorced. I I’ve we’ve worked through all this stuff. We’ve had hard things. I know there’s things I’d gone through earlier that maybe other people would have, you know, checked out on said, I’m gone. It’s like, no, I I I’m not the kind of person that gets divorced. This is our family is forever. We’re we’re staying together, you know. But I was in such shock that first week my two oldest kids came over and were sitting with me, and they said, Mom, you have to let dad go. And this is after he’d I’d made him go to each one of them. I said, You go confess to each one of these kids. You face them and you tell him what you did. You know, they’re all adults. And um after that, and uh like I said, what my daughter mentioned, she said, Mom, he was even making up excuses when he was telling us what he’d done. She said, You have to let the man go. So it was basically my children were telling me, okay, this is over. I still cognitively I couldn’t really process that, but they just kept saying, Mom, you have to do it. And then a son-in-law who’s financial wizard went into our finances and he said, Oh my gosh, you’ve got you’ve got to file. He’s killing you financially, which I had no idea. And I it sounds really ignorant of me, but you know, we got together.
Okay, that’s how you did your finances, right? You just trusted him. Yeah.
I did it. I did. And he, you know, normally everything was fine. Everything got paid. And and so they said, You you’ve got to file. So I basically filed for divorce before I was even convinced that I should divorce.
Is that crazy? No, it’s totally normal. I think, I think it’s hard. It’s like a knowing, but then when the reality, it’s like, I don’t know if I can do this. I mean, yeah. Oh, it was exactly that. Yeah.
You know, I kind of was hoping, even though I know his my husband is very ADHD. And I thought, oh my gosh, he’s he’s never gonna get out of this addiction. But I thought maybe, maybe if the fear of God is put into him and he realizes he’s losing his entire family, maybe we’ll see a complete 180 and it never came. There was never even apology for anyone, not to me, not to the children. And it was like, okay, this says really who the man is. He’s he’s given up. He’s realized this is beyond me. I cannot cure myself of this. I don’t know that I want to cure myself of this. Yeah, and it’s better just to let the family go. I think that’s where he was.
Yeah, that I mean, it’s very common, right? And you think, really? You’re you’re willing to walk away from all of this, but yeah, and that’s why addiction is so intense, right? Especially sexual addiction.
Right, right. You know, I really think he thought, and in fact, I know he thought that once we were divorced that he and the kids would have a normal relationship.
It’s like, no, that didn’t happen. Well, I think so many people think, well, betrayal is between the husband and wife. So you did he probably thought, I didn’t betray my kids, but they still feel betrayed. Of course he would.
He was he he lied to them. He he he presented himself as something he was not. And yeah, no, they my son was so hurt by it. So hurt by it, because after the divorce, his dad would just stop by and how are things going? And he’s he said, every time you come by, dad, his oldest daughter was old enough to know something had happened, that her grandfather had done something to her grandmother. And we’re pretty close. And he said, She cries every time you come. She cries. I can’t have this. You can’t be just walking into my house and just stopping by. So my son um picked up and moved his family out of state, which was horrible for me because he was a good support to me, but he goes, I can’t do this anymore. I cannot have this guy just showing up at my door. And I don’t think he has any idea that that’s why his son moved, you know.
Yeah, but I mean, the thing is he had to do what was best for him and his family. Right. Of course. Yeah. So you are separated, working on deciding whether to get divorced. What did that period look like for you? Like, did you think I need to heal, or were you like, I don’t know what I need to do, or I I had I was in such a shock.
I healing was not even a thought. I I didn’t think I could ever heal. Like it was so bad. I didn’t think I could ever heal. I was just my life was 100% invalidated. Two-thirds of my life had been with this man, and it was like poof, it’s gone. Everything I did was for nothing. And it was just I mean, suicide crosses your mind. It really does. It’s like, I don’t even want to live anymore. This for why? I my life is a waste. Thankfully, you know, I have children and parents who and I, of course, I didn’t mention that to them, but it, you know, you you can’t do that to other people, but it’s yeah, the thought certainly does cross your mind or it crossed mine.
Yeah, yeah. And so as you were, you know, struggling, you found yourself like going maybe deeper into the pit of despair. What what got you to pull yourself out of it? Like what what helped? What did you do? Someone’s listening. What do you want them to hear?
Group Therapy That Saves A Life
So my daughter, of course, I was talking to my daughters all the time, and I feel really bad about that. I they’re not who you need to turn to. They’re, of course, they’re all they’re grown, they’re married, they have children. It’s not like they’re kids, you know. But I I just needed, they were the ones that knew their dad. They were the ones that knew how shocking this was. They were the ones that got it. And my daughter, my oldest daughter, turned to me and she goes, Mom, you’ve got to talk to and I had counselors. I had a counselor. She says, You’ve got to talk to someone else. You’ve got to get into it like a therapy group or something. And I thought, there is no way I’m not doing that. But I did.
I didn’t. Did you, is it because you felt shame or you didn’t want anyone to know?
Oh, shame. And also, I mean, I knew the women in there would probably be in their 30s. And I was in my 60s. And I thought, I, this pathetic old woman is coming in there. I haven’t had a lot of judgment. Well, yes, having been ignorant for so long that this was going, I I just couldn’t do it. I just anyway, but she said, You have to do it. And my counselor also recommended, she says, There’s a group coming up here. And I thought, well, how old is everybody? And they said, Well, we don’t, you know, we don’t usually ask how old everyone is when they join. And I knew I’d be the oldest person there. And I was, but there was another grandmother. She was probably 15 years younger than I was, but she was a grandmother. So I thought, okay, she gets that third generation thing that it’s destroying generations, you know. So that was a huge help to me that there was someone that had a grandbaby that kind of got it. And uh, it was that therapy group that really, really saved my my life. They it doesn’t matter how old someone is, you go through this and you’re going through exactly the same thing. Your feelings are all the same. It it just evens out the playing field. We’re we’re all the same. Between women are all the same.
So maybe having that group you realized it wasn’t about the age, it was about the feelings, the emotions, the whether someone had been married for three years or 40 years. Right. It’s still pain.
The pain is still the same. You know, I was more of my life destroyed. Well, yeah, but I didn’t have little children to worry about. I mean, everybody, it kind of balances out. It’s there’s so much difficulty at any stage of life when you go to the city.
And can you imagine co-parenting with your husband? Oh my gosh. I honestly know he was going to strip clubs and hooking up with prostitutes and having to drop your five little babies off at that house.
Oh my gosh, I can’t even. It’s funny. Um, it’s been six and a half years now, and I had still had a piece of his furnace. He he had made a bookshelf like in high school, and it was he made it, it was really well done. And every time I walked by that, I go, I gotta get rid of that thing. And I liked the bookshelf. I I want, you know, I wanted to keep it, but it’s like finally I got rid of it. Like three weeks ago, I was like, okay, now I’m free.
Oh, I love that.
It just keeps haunting you. It’s like every time you see it, it reminds it brings back anyway.
Yeah. So what helped you? What was the biggest thing? So obviously the group helped you. Most people like groups. Yeah, therapy.
Yeah, therapy. I was in therapy and I had an excellent therapist. Also, I even therapy in the group
Therapeutic Writing And Finding Your Voice
wasn’t enough. So I started the therapeutic writing. And that’s actually how the book was born. I just started writing and writing and writing. And um, I started a a podcast, not a podcast, excuse me, an Instagram account just just so I had a venue to to share my writing. And I had a lot of women mention, oh my gosh, that’s just how I felt, or, and then I’d share some of it with women in my group, and oh, they said I felt exactly the same way. So one day I just sat up, I go, Oh my gosh, you’re gonna write a book. So a lot of things that are in my book were just therapeutic writing at the time, you know. Some Yeah, and it do you feel like it was healing for you? Oh my gosh, yes. I think you have when betrayal is at the forefront of your mind, and that’s you have that constant rumination. You can’t constantly be talking to a therapist or a child or a friend. You just can’t constantly be talking to someone. But by writing, it’s like it’s almost like I could write it and then put it on the shelf and it was out of my brain. Yeah. And that helps me a lot.
Yeah. Yeah. I think it’s really powerful because if we leave it in our brain, it thinks, oh, this is important. You better think about it a little bit more.
Exactly. And it’s awful because you can’t really. I mean, I had to retire shortly thereafter because after finding out because I couldn’t do my job. I I just couldn’t think anymore. So now are you still retired?
Are you did you need to go back to work?
I am retired. Thankfully, I had a job in education, so I had a pension. I have a pension, but I have gone back to work just part-time. Um, I can do some things online. So my my I was really blessed that um our house was paid off and I did get the house and the divorce, which was a blessing. I can cover my basic bills, but if I ever want to do something, I need a little extra money. So I did go back, you know.
So are you glad you stayed in your house? Is that that was a good thing for you?
You know, it’s funny. I was talking to another friend who was going through the same thing, and she had a fabulous. Gorgeous home. And she said, you know, people think I want to stay in my house just because it’s a big, beautiful home. She said, I just need to be safe and I’m safe here. And I felt exactly the same way. My home is not a magnificent home. It’s a, you know, it’s a regular people’s home. But you could have offered me a mansion and I would not want to leave my house. I just needed to be.
Well, it’s good you felt safe, right? Because he he did his activities outside the home, it sounds like but for some of us, they bring the activities to the home.
And so it doesn’t matter. I’m sure that’s different. I’m sure that’s different. Um, there was, yeah, I mean, I know there was porn here in the house, which disgusts me. But as far as acting out, other than that, no. Yeah.
Yeah.
Now cars are different. Found out things he did in my car, which one, but if I haven’t had a new car up at that point when I figured it out, it’s like, oh my gosh.
Yeah, yeah. It just it’s like a cleansing, right? Yeah, it’s like you did this in my car, you’re okay. Yeah, it’s it’s amazing the ability to compartmentalize and to justify and to rationalize that addiction.
Addiction As Emotional Avoidance
Yeah.
Well, I think I thought a lot about I don’t think my husband was ever able to manage emotional pain. Yeah. I don’t think he ever learned to do that. And that’s why if we had a discussion or an argument, he had to leave. He just did not know what to do with emotional.
And so, and he used the prostitutes, the porn to to make himself feel better. Yeah.
Right, right. And I think and that’s the core issue. The core issue isn’t, I mean, as horrible as it is, the core issue is not the addiction. The core issue is you don’t know how to deal with pain. Yeah.
Yeah, it’s I always say it’s a superpower. If you can learn to deal with negative emotions, you are way ahead of a lot of people. Right. And learning to be okay with people feeling negatively, you know, having a negative emotion because it’s human to have a negative emotions.
Right.
But for whatever reason, our brains, they feel very dangerous. Right. Right.
I remember when um we were first married, we had a you know, small discussion, disagreement. And he stopped and he said, We can’t disagree with each other. We’re we’re married now. And I started laughing. I go, Are you kidding? I said, Yeah. No, no, no, my parents never disagreed. I go, Yeah, they did. Yeah. So maybe you didn’t see it, but of course they disagreed. And so coming into marriage with that thought that we always had to be perfectly aligned and then we weren’t. He couldn’t deal with it.
Yeah. And it’s such a false belief, right? It’s a false narrative. And you know, don’t go to bed mad. I mean, there’s a lot of bad marriage advice out there. And yeah, yeah, definitely that’s one that we can’t disagree with each other. It’s actually healthy. We should we want to disagree. Right. So then we don’t want to marry someone just like us. But of course.
I mean, that’s part of the growth of marriage, I think, is expanding your philosophy of life and your, you know, what you think is important. I don’t know. Like well, I just died when he said that. I go, you gotta be kidding.
Like you’ve married the wrong girl here. Yeah. We had a problem. Yeah. But you did you didn’t the thing is we didn’t know back then questions to ask and all this, like now I do love the internet for this reason because all the knowledge and you probably watching Instagram posts and people could listen, look at your posts and get comfort and hope from that. I love the title of your book. What what caused you to to write Hope Rises?
First of all, wouldn’t you know, like three months after my book came out, Baldati publishes a book, Hope Rises. I go, seriously, buddy? You don’t even, you’re not even the same genre. Why are you putting that? Anyway, so um you have to put Hope Rises, KB Adams, and then you’ll never find an um on Amazon. So it was interesting. I had kind of um I don’t want to call it a vision, dream. You know, when you’re meditating, sometimes just ideas will come into your head. And this was right when I was in the thick of within that first year, and I saw myself I was a balloon in this vision I had in this during this meditative moment. And there was my husband, and he was also a balloon, and he was a dark balloon, and I was a bright balloon, and we were all tangled together. And then all of a sudden I just kind of got loose and I looked at his balloon and he had one of those balloon weights on it, you know, and he and I mentioned it to my counselor. I go, and what you’re saying is that his addiction was holding him down, but you’re not addicted, you can get out, you can get away from that. Um, so to me, it was rising hope. It was this balloon, very symbolic, right? Yeah, it was. So that was kind of where it came from anyway.
Yeah, no, I love it. It’s like this freedom that you could just let yourself right.
I’m not the one that’s tied down to this horrible addiction. That’s not me.
Yeah. Do you feel like so you’ve been divorced for six and a half years? I heard you say. Yeah. What have you learned in those six
Hope Rises And New Happiness
and a half years? I know you’ve learned a lot, but what’s one lesson like from where you were on D-Day to where you are now? Where do you see your biggest strength or growth happening? Um, well, first of all, I wrote a book, which I don’t think I thought. Amazing.
I mean, who has there’s not many people that have written books, and that’s you know, I I’d always wanted to, but I thought I I think it propelled me to write the book because there were so many ideas in my head and I just needed to get them out. So, and also I I looked for people like you desperately when I first went through this, found a few podcasts. I wish, I don’t know, were you even around six and a half years ago? I don’t think you were. No, I was, yeah, I think my podcast started five years ago. So yeah, yeah. So those first years, I was desperate to to find things and and find books. And it seemed like every book I read was like, well, maybe it’s from a counselor or a I wanted someone who’d gone through the habit and could explain this is what you’re gonna go through and this is how you get out of it. Anyway, so that happened. I got the book. Um, another thing is I didn’t ever think I’d be happy again. I mean, really happy, but I am. And it’s like, well, I didn’t want to be happy because I’m divorced, but no, you can still be really happy and not have exactly the kind of life you thought you’d have.
Yeah, I I think it’s so true. I’m kind of like you. I don’t really identify as divorced. I mean, I am, but I’m like, I don’t really ever present myself that way. But it can. And divorce, actually, to not have that, even though for you you didn’t know about it until the very end. Now that you know, to unknow, like to have to be laying next to him every night, would just be your nervous system would have never probably been able to.
Oh no, what well, you know, it’s interesting. Now I I think, oh my gosh, that was that. There were things in our marriage or in our family that just kind of an oppressive feel. About, oh gosh, 15, 20 years ago, I went through some really deep depression. And I didn’t know why. Well, I we’d had a financial crisis and then, you know, gotten out of it. But so I thought that’s what it was. And I realized now, no, when the financial crisis hit, he went way into his addiction. Yes. Of course, because he can’t deal with negative emotions. And so that’s what I was feeling. And I was like, I feel so bad because I had kids still in high school and junior high at that time. And those kids said, You were a rotten mom and all because I would come home and just go to bed crying because I I was so depressed about the situation. But I don’t think it was the financial that was yeah, your body was picking up on something else, right?
And right clearly. I mean, I think our bodies are very intuitive, and but you would you didn’t have any, you had no idea. And now you know, and I think now your kids know. Yeah, so can you have so much compassion for your past self yet?
Or I do I do now. Um, I’m hoping my poor kids can forgive me for being a crappy mom there for a few years. It was hard because it was yeah, you know, when kids are in junior high, that’s they need a really good mom then. And I I just was not my poor daughter, my oldest daughter was getting married. I was not happy, you know.
It’s just like yeah, I I bet she, I bet she can. I mean, that that’s a beautiful thing I love. I’ve been able to do a lot of repair with my kids because I I knew about their dad cheating on me and I stayed, and I I didn’t realize back then no one talked about your nervous system. I was very emotionally numb and I didn’t realize it because I’m like, I’m not staying in bed, I’m doing all the things, but so I think once once everything comes to light, I think repair is always possible.
Well, I’m hoping. I think it really damaged them. Um since the kids didn’t know about their dad. They didn’t and of course I didn’t either at that time.
They didn’t really know what it was that yeah, but we think now that they know they can kind of I don’t know. I’m hoping.
I’m hoping, but still it was their poor little lives in junior high that I could probably destroy for them.
Well, you it just you you didn’t destroy it, it just was your that was your situation. Yeah, yeah, I know now. So anyway, sadly we can’t change our past, but no, we can’t, unfortunately. Well, Cass, I’m so glad that we connected. We connected through your daughter. So thank you, daughter.
Yeah. I’m glad that I got to meet you and how Oh, I there was one other thing I was going to mention to you, Mine. Oh, yes, right now.
Why Betrayal Can Feel Worse
You asked me, she said, you know what do you wish people understood about betrayal trauma? Yes, yes. And I hope they understand that it is worse than a death in the family. Because a death, if you’re in a loving relationship and someone dies, that is so heart-wrenching. Yes. But it was a loving relationship. In betrayal, it’s a death of a relationship and the person still exists. And then you realize that they were never and I thought a hundred times, you know, if you’re a Christian believer and you believe that in the next life you’ll be together, if you’re blind in the next life you’ll be able to see, every illness will be corrected. But if you’re in a we’re in a betrayal situation, that relationship was really never completely true. So you can’t have that relationship again because it never existed. At least it didn’t exist how you thought it existed. So it’s a complete loss. That’s why I think it’s worse than death.
Yeah. Oh, I I am with you, and I’ve said that many times because and even like your someone dies, people are bringing you casseroles and absolutely dinner, and then you find out your husband had an affair and you’re getting divorced, and no one talks to you. Exactly. And it just is awkward, and people don’t know what to say. Oh, my husband was hooking up with prostitutes, and they’re like, What? You know, it’s just it’s like, okay, yeah.
I was gonna say, in my case, the in-laws were horrible, horrible.
It’s like, I didn’t do anything, and of course I’m sure you well, because they don’t want to admit that their son did this. It’s it’s like, surely you’re you’re crazy, Cass. It’s not, it was yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I yeah, that was hard. That was really hard.
It was just like everybody, no one talks to me, and I go, I didn’t, I didn’t do anything wrong. You know, well, yeah.
Do you do you want to talk to them?
Like, would you want a relationship or are you like, okay, um the first year I there was absolutely almost nothing. Somebody told me, Oh, you need to go to a counselor, and someone else said you need to forgive him. And I I thought, Oh, forgive him? I you don’t even say that F word till maybe five years down there. Yeah, it’s like, don’t even say that word. So they they did say a couple of things. No one ever came to visit me. It was a text or an email, you should forgive him, or we don’t want to be involved, or something like that, you know. And then, like a year later, they’d send me a Christmas card, and I’m going, Are you kidding me?
If if he had died, would you have come over and well? It sounds like his family didn’t cope well with anything negative. And so they just swept it under the rug, and we don’t talk about this.
Well, what I found out since then is this addiction is rampant in the family. It’s not just so I think there’s a lot of shame, a lot of humiliation, and it’s just like, oh shoot, she’s the one that blabbed it. Everyone else, the wife stayed and just didn’t say anything, but this girl cut it off and now it’s out in the open. So proud of you. You go, girl. I don’t know.
I don’t know, I feel very proud of myself, but anyway. Well, I think you did something really hard, and it is hard to leave a 40-year marriage. Oh my gosh. Some people just choose, they don’t want to choose that hard. And so you chose the harder hard. Maybe I I don’t know. We can’t, we don’t know because you didn’t stay, but you chose something really hard. And I think we need to be so proud of you. Like I want you to be so proud of, and you wrote a book, which is really awesome. Thank you. Thank you. How about other people?
I really think it’s harder in a situation like that to stay. I really, really do. As hard as it is to leave, you have got to have freedom and you’ve got to have integrity in your life, and you’ve got to feel like you’re living a life of truth. And there’s not a life of truth if you’re living with a liar.
Yes. And yeah, and some people can repent and change and have remorse, but it sounds like he was not willing to.
Remorse, Boundaries, And Next Steps
No, and I and I think I I’m gonna end with something Jordan Peterson said. He said the remorse has to be as deep as the betrayal. And if it is not, then there’s no need to stay because there they won’t change.
Yeah, I love that. I love that. Well, Cass, thanks so much for coming on my podcast. And so remember, you can find your book on Amazon. Is that right? That’s correct. And it’s called Hope Rises, KB Adamson. And if we want to follow on you on Instagram, are you still on Instagram or no?
I am. Um haven’t been very active lately. I’m um That’s okay. BeautifulWarriors.rise, R-I-Z-S-E, not Z-E, Beautiful Warriors.rise.
Okay, great. Awesome. Well, thank you so much for being on my podcast. I wish you the best, and I hope everyone enjoyed listening. Please share it with anyone that might need to hear this message of hope. And have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week. Bye-bye. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
