Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s episode. So this is the third part of my series of what I’m learning in my new coaching program. And it’s about family systems. And I think you’re gonna find it really fascinating. And the reason why I wanted to share this is because I think the more we know, the more like sometimes our relationships and how we live in the world can really help us in becoming better. And I think for me, that’s my goal. And that’s my goal for you is to help you. And so you can heal and you can become the version of yourself you
Betrayal Exposes Older Family Patterns
want to be. And so we’re gonna get into it. And I think it could really start making you aware of, oh, I see why I’m this way. Okay. Many of us believe our struggles started the day we discovered the affair, but they didn’t. That day simply exposed patterns that had been living inside us for years, right? Terry Real teaches that every family has a system. Every family has spoken and unspoken rules. Children learn how to survive inside that system. The problem is the role that protected you as a child may be hurting your relationships as an adult. So I really want you to be curious. Okay, this isn’t about blaming your parents. Most parents were simply doing the best they could with what they knew. This is about awareness because awareness is the first step towards healing, which I just mentioned, but I want to say that again because it’s so true. And I think for me, I was raised by boomer parents. And I think they did their best, right? But they didn’t even have the internet. They had encyclopedias, probably, right? Like I remember buying a set of encyclopedias. If you had a set of encyclopedias, that was a big deal. And so that’s where they got their information, or maybe some TV shows. I don’t know. But there just weren’t a lot of resources out there. And I think some of the books they had were nowadays would be considered like really bad. And so they were doing our best, just like you and I are doing our best raising our own children. But I do believe when we know more, we can do better. And for me, I really feel a responsibility. I want to change the dynamics of what I learned that wasn’t maybe great, so I can be better for my own children and for my future grandchildren, right? So I’m gonna explain the family systems. So children don’t choose these roles, right? We do as parents, and parents really sex sometimes. I know, I mean, none of us are perfect, and we’re all just trying our best. So look at this from a lot of compassion. So every child asks one question: what do I have to become to belong here? And I think we don’t do this consciously, right? So there are some kids, and you can think of your own
The Hero Role And Overfunctioning
family. I have to be perfect, I have to disappear, I have to make everyone laugh, I have to take the blame. These roles become automatic. Then we become adults and we keep playing the same role even though we’re no longer in our childhood home. And I think a lot of times if you’ve done any inner child work or have heard of that term, it’s really kind of reparenting the younger version of you, which I think is such beautiful work. It’s really helpful because that little boy or little girl was doing their best with what they had. And so we have to just have lots of love and compassion. But oftentimes those roles that we were in are hurting us now, they’re not helpful. Okay, so the first one I’m gonna talk about is the hero. The hero is the responsible one, and usually every family has one or two of these, right? Or several, depends on how many kids. I had four siblings in my home. And so I think some of us fit into different categories. And sometimes people talk about birth order. I think that’s good information. This is just another way to look at it. So the hero is a responsible one, the achiever, the fixer, the one everyone depends on. Their value comes from performance. They often hear, I’m proud of you. You always do such a great job. You’ve always been the responsible one. Sounds positive until it isn’t. Okay? The adult version of the hero struggles to rest, feels responsible for everyone’s emotions, believes love must be earned, can’t ask for help, carries everyone else’s burdens. Are you married to someone that’s the hero? Are you the hero? Be curious. So, this is an example. I like to tie things to betrayal. Imagine you find out your spouse has been having an affair. Instead of falling apart, you immediately start researching therapists, books, podcasts, schedules, appointments, read everything, take care of the kids, pay the bills. You become the project manager of healing. Does that sound familiar? Everyone tells you, you’re so strong, but inside you’re exhausted and you don’t know how to simply just be hurt and break down and fall apart. Healing for the hero means learning my worth is not my productivity. I don’t have to earn love, I don’t have to save everyone. And it’s okay if someone rescues me sometimes.
The Scapegoat And Internalized Blame
So this is the work for the hero to do. And simply I just want you to be curious and recognize which one of these sounds like you. Number two, the scapegoat. The scapegoat becomes the identified problem in the family. Whenever something goes wrong, it’s somehow their fault. They’re labeled, they’re too emotional, they’re too difficult, they’re too sensitive, they’re too rebellious. As an adult, this will look like they expect criticism. They become defensive quickly. You feel misunderstood. Sometimes they self-sabotage because they already expect rejection. So let me reject me ahead of time. Does this sound familiar? So, an example, if a scapegoat had an affair or experienced betrayal. After discovering infidelity, the cheating spouse says, If you had trusted me, if you weren’t so controlling, you pushed me away. And the betrayed spouse immediately believes it. Maybe it really is all my fault because that’s the role they’ve always played. So can you see both sides of this? Or they might become angry before anyone can hurt them. They attack first. I think this happens a lot. Healing looks like separating facts from identity. I made mistakes is very different than I am the problem. Can you see the difference? Number three, the lost child. This role often breaks my heart. The lost child survives by disappearing. No conflict, no needs, no attention, stays quiet, stays small, don’t make life harder. The adult version of this lost child is difficulty expressing needs, avoids conflict, feels invisible, says, I’m fine, even when they’re falling apart, often emotionally lonely. Are you married to someone like this? Are you like this? Just be curious. If betrayal happens with a lost
The Lost Child And Disappearing Needs
child, after discovering the affair, people ask, How are you doing? I’m okay. No, really, I’m fine. Inside. They’re devastated. But asking for help feels uncomfortable, so they isolate. Healing means learning my needs matter. My voice matters. People cannot support needs they never hear. The last one, the mascot. The mascot uses humor, charm, entertainment, optimism. If everyone laughs, maybe nobody notices the pain I’m in. The adult version of this makes jokes during difficult conversations, changes the subject, uses positivity to avoid vulnerability. Everyone thinks they’re fun, but few people know how deeply they hurt. Betrayal sounds like. How’s everything going? Oh, you know, just living every person’s dream, everyone laughs, conversation moves on, and pain stays hidden. Healing means allowing sadness. You don’t have to perform happiness, and you don’t always have to be okay. Here’s something I want you to hear. These aren’t personalities, they’re adaptations. They were brilliant when you were a little kid, right? They worked, but as adults, they often create disconnection. The hero overfunctions, the lost child disappears, the mascot avoids pain, and the scapegoat expects rejection. None of these roles make you broken. They simply tell the story of how you learn to survive. So identifying them will be so helpful on your healing journey, and they will be even more helpful if you’re choosing to reconcile in your marriage. So, questions
The Mascot And Laughing Through Pain
I want you to ask yourself. Which role sounds most like me? Which one shows up when I’m stressed? Which one shows up in my marriage? What did this role protect me from? And is it still serving me today? And I’m guessing oftentimes it is not serving you anymore. You are older, a more wise version of yourself. You don’t have to live in survival anymore. You can grow up and bring on your CEO brain or your wise human brain and be different. Choose healing. The beautiful thing about awareness is that you are not your role. You can learn to ask for help. You are so much more than just a survival strategy. You can learn to rest, you can learn to speak up, you can learn to be vulnerable. You can stop trying to earn love and start believing you’re already worthy of it. The goal isn’t to become a different person. The goal is to become your authentic self instead of your survival self. So can you hear the difference? Can you imagine what that would feel like and look like? That’s what healing is. It’s not becoming someone new, it’s finally becoming who you’ve always been underneath the role that’s somehow in our family systems that was created for us. But we can let
From Survival Self To Authentic Self
that go. If today’s episode resonated with you, I’d encourage you to spend more time journaling about the role you learned growing up. Awareness creates choice and choice creates change. If you’re struggling after betrayal and you’re realizing these old family patterns are still shaping your relationships today, I’d love to help. Schedule a free coaching call. And on a side note, just so you know, I’m created a beta course to help couples. So if you are a husband and wife that really want to rebuild your marriage after betrayal, please schedule a call with me. I’m only accepting five couples into my beta program. And as I’m learning in my new training certification, I’m going to be teaching you along so I can learn better, right? We we do better when we can teach what we’re learning to other people and I can help you. I already work with a lot of people individually. So I’ll still be working with you both individually, but then also as a couple. And I think this could really help you in your healing journey. So if you’re interested, if it just seems interesting, reach out because I only have a few spots for my beta program that I’ll be offering. Anyways, have a beautiful
Journaling Prompts And Coaching Invites
day. I’m so glad you’re here. I hope you enjoyed this three-part series. Make sure if you didn’t catch the last two, you go back and listen to them. And just remember, you’re gonna be okay and you can totally figure this out. Have a great day, and I’ll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
