Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So today I want to talk about doing an intimacy fast after betrayal. Now, I’m not saying this from because that’s what I did. I did not do that, but I do have some clients that have tried it. And it is a thing. And so I just want to give you some context about what it is and what it isn’t and how it might be helpful in your healing from betrayal, especially for those of you that want to stay in your marriage. And so, first of all, I’m just going to tell you what it is. An intimacy fast is a mutually agreed-upon pause from physical intimacy, usually sex, sometimes all physical touch for a set period of time. So both people can regulate, rebuild trust, and reconnect emotionally first. So hearing that, you can see how that might be helpful in rebuilding trust in your marriage. Because oftentimes we think, and I get this comment all the time on social media, well, if you would have just had more sex with your spouse, he wouldn’t have cheated. And that is, first of all, so hurtful. It isn’t even correct because oftentimes an affair isn’t about sex. Now, I know you think, well, what is it about? It’s about so many other things, but many marriages, their sex was great or fine, or okay. It wasn’t like they weren’t having sex. That’s why the spouse had the affair. Now, of course, there are some couples that, or women and men, that take sex off the table and it could be years and decades. That’s a whole other issue. However, you know, that’s being it’s using sex as a weapon, which is for sure unhealthy, or making it becomes a duty, and that’s unhealthy too. That doesn’t make for a great relationship. So I just want to talk about it. What if one of the most healing things you could do after betrayal is to stop having sex for a while? What if that’s true? What if it’s possible? What if that could really restart and rebuild your marriage? So this may surprise you to have a 90-day. Now, you could make it 30 days or 60 days. I just am saying 90 days because for whatever reason they say to reset your nervous system, it takes about 90 days. And so, you know, that’s what the experts say. Before you panic and think, why would you do this? Right. It’s not because you want to punish your spouse or control them or withhold love. It’s actually about creating safety and clarity and giving your body and your marriage a reset, especially when everything has felt really chaotic after an affair has been discovered. So these are some reasons why you might consider doing this. That what if sex feels very confusing after betrayal? And this makes so much sense to me because it makes no sense why someone would have sex with their mistress and then come home later that night and have sex with their spouse. That happened often to me. I know it did, and it happened to many of you. And that is painful, confusing, and hurtful, and really mean and dangerous. So it has so many layers to that. You want connection, but also feel disgust, anger, or pressure, right? Of course. It’s like kind of disgusting. Once you discover the affair, you’re like, you feel so violated that your spouse was with some random person that you don’t even know. So yeah, and just so many emotions are going on. It’s really hard. You feel insecure in your body, right? Are you comparing yourself, or you think your spouse is comparing your body to their mistress’s body or the other man’s body? I need to figure out what a man, a fair partner, is called a mister. We’ll call him a mister. Um anyway, sometimes sex becomes a way to check if you’re still wanted, right? So we use it. Does he want me still? Am I still desirous? So that can be problematic. A way to avoid hard conversations. Let’s just have sex instead of talking. Or we think if we have more sex, then we will heal more. Just because you can have sex again doesn’t mean your nervous system is ready for it. So I really want you to get curious about where your nervous system is at. So if you want to have a sex fast, you need to figure out the time. Is it going to be 30 days, 60 days, 90 days? And then define what intimacy means. Is it just sex? Is it no hugging or kissing or touching? I think that’s all optional. You can decide, like, no, we can still hold hands, we can still give each other hugs, because the idea isn’t totally to disconnect you. So you have to be very intentional about this and you both have to be on the same page. And so you need to really get clear on that. And you have to replace it with something. You can’t just be like, oh, we’re just gonna ignore each other for the next 60 to 90 days. That’s not gonna work. You have to replace it with check-ins, probably daily check-ins, because we want to build your emotional connection, your emotional intimacy with each other. You have to have honest conversations. And some people say, well, those are hard to have. Yeah, it takes a lot of courage to have honest conversations, but that is going the more vulnerable you are, the more connected you’re going to become. And so you need to have non-sexual connections. So you need to be going on dates, going to dinner, you know, going to play pickleball or going to a movie or whatever you like to do. Those things could be, you could be doing those more often and more intentional. You’re not removing intimacy from your marriage, you’re just redefining it because a lot of people think sex equals intimacy. That is a component of it, but there is so much more to having an intimate marriage and intimate relationship than the actual act of having sex. So, some pros of experiencing this is to reset your nervous system. If your body doesn’t feel safe, intimacy will never feel very good. Right. If you’re just doing it out of duty and you’re disconnected in your thoughts and you’re just doing the act, it’s just, it’s not gonna go well. It’s not gonna be a good experience for either couple. And so it could help really reset your nervous system and it removes pressure, right? Until you can do some more healing, both of you. Figure out why did I do this? You know, what does this mean? All the things you could do healing while you’re doing this fast and learn how to regulate your nervous system, even understand what that even means. That’s why having a coach is helpful because you can learn all these tools so you can do this simultaneously as you’re doing your fast. You separate sex from validation. So many people, especially men, but I’m gonna say women too, we use it to validate. Does he love me? Do they want me? Are they still with their affair partner? Because in our minds, at least in mine, I’m thinking, how could anyone go have sex with one person and tell them they love them and they think they’re amazing and then turn around a few hours later? Unfortunately, that happens. That happened to me. But generally speaking, like I personally know I could not do that. But there are people in this world that not a problem. They can totally do that. And so we stop using it as a way to validate to see if our spouse loves us and not using it to make us feel better. Because so many people, I’m gonna say, use it as a buffer, right? Or a way to release anxiety or anger or whatever they’re feeling. They use that instead of actually processing their emotions. We’re not using it to say, like, okay, everything’s okay because we’re still having sex with each other. People that have a bad marriage just don’t have sex with each other. That’s just a lie that we’re telling ourselves. And then we have the opportunity to build more emotional connection. If we’re having to take sex off the table for a minute, well, we have to start talking to each other. And maybe we haven’t done that for a long time and sharing our feelings, which I know sounds scary for some of you. It slows down reactive decisions, it helps you get out of survival mode and into your CEO part of your brain, your prefrontal cortex, right? Our survival brain says, just go have sex and you’re gonna feel better. You’re gonna survive. It thinks you’re gonna die. I’m just telling you, you’re not gonna die. I promise no one has died from lack of sex or from going on a 90-day fast. You might die if you stopped eating, but you’re not gonna die if you stop having sex. I promise. It creates, you’re not so impulsive in your behavior. You have more intentional choices. These are all good things, right? You’re using your CEO part of your brain to make better decisions, to have better discussions. It rebuilds your emotional intimacy first, not just your physical intimacy. You can have more talks and more honesty, repair conversations. A lot of repair needs to happen if you’re going to rebuild your marriage after an affair. And so you can have some of these difficult conversations, you can become more vulnerable or create that within your marriage. You learn how to be close without using your body as the shortcut. And then it really builds the desire, right? Over the 90 days. It can help you reconnect with yourself. If your body is saying no, but your brain is saying yes, that is a sign that you might want to try a reset or a fast. And you can discover things like what do you actually want and what feels safe to me, right? Maybe your spouse doesn’t feel safe to you, right? But you might not have ever considered it because you just try to please them and you’re like, I just, I’ll just have sex more. So then maybe they won’t have an affair again. Maybe they won’t cheat. But that’s just a lie that your brain is telling you. Some cons. Okay. We talked about the pros. Now we’re going to talk about the cons. It can be misused as punishment. If this becomes you don’t deserve me energy, it’s going to backfire. And there are women, I’m sure there’s men, but I would say women do this, use sex as a punishment. And that, if you’re doing that, that’s not a fast. That’s something different and it’s cruel. Because part of a marriage, you just become roommates then. You’re not married. You’re roommates. And in my opinion, that is a form of abuse, especially if you’re doing it intentionally without getting help. Now, I get people have trauma, especially in betrayal, there’s trauma. But if you’re not actively getting help and you’re just shutting down, you’re punishing yourself, you’re punishing your spouse, and you’re punishing your marriage. And that that isn’t helpful either. That’s just gonna hurt you. Sometimes avoidance is disguised as healing, right? Oh, I’m just healing. I I can’t touch you, you can’t touch me. You’re we’re just healing, but you’re not really healing. Healing shows movement. Like I have several clients that their spouse, you know, just uses their affair or their pornography issues as well, I can’t be intimate with you because you’ve looked at these terrible things. And that’s just an excuse, right? They’re just putting off what feels uncomfortable to them for their healing onto their spouse, and then it just creates a lot of shame and it’s not helping and it’s hurting their marriage. Some people use it to avoid hard conversations, right? They don’t want to be vulnerable, they don’t want to repair. And so instead of they just say, okay, we’re gonna fast, but then we’re just gonna take everything off the table. That is not what this is for. It can, if you’re not intentional, create more distance, but you have to still do the work. You don’t want to, it’s not the opportunity to go sleep in separate bedrooms and to, although that may be part of it, if that’s the agreement that you go with, is say we’re gonna sleep in separate beds for 90 days. Okay, but you have to be intentional with everything else. So it’s more of you’re gonna be much more connected, just not sexually. Otherwise, you’re gonna end up as roommates. And that’s not good either. That’s not gonna rebuild your marriage. You might as well get divorced if you’re gonna be roommates. One partner may feel rejected. So you have to be really clear and you have to be really open if you’re feeling these feelings, right? And so you might need to reassure your partner, especially the person that had the affair. You’re gonna need to do extra reassurance. And if that annoys you, then it might not be a good call. You might not want to do this. And just know this isn’t the magic pill that’s going to heal your relationship. It’s not the healing, but what happens during the fast is actually the healing, all that emotional connection, the vulnerability, the repair. That’s what’s going to heal your marriage. This is going to just be the thing that helps you get to that point. So, who is this for and who is this not for? It might be helpful if you feel triggered or disconnected during sex. So, really pay attention. If it’s very triggering for you, this might be something you want to consider. If you’re having sex but still feel unsafe. If you’re using sex to cope or numb your feelings, great option to just try. And if you want to rebuild your marriage intentionally, this would also be a great thing to try. It might not be helpful if it’s just one-sided, right? If it’s forced or one-sided, it’s not going to work. So if you want it and your spouse doesn’t, don’t just say, well, I’m just not going to have sex with you until you agree. That’s not going to work either, right? We’re going to have to have some hard conversations. Maybe get a therapist or a coach involved and have you really figure out why you’re so resistant to this. If there is no communication, it’s not like, okay, let’s send you to Europe or an island and we’re just going to live apart for 90 days. That’s not going to work either. And never talk to each other. That’s just avoiding, escaping. That’s not the point of it. If it’s being used to control or punish, it’s not good either. And I see this happening a lot with men or women that have been cheated on. They’re the ones that have been cheated on. They want to punish their spouse. Well, you might as well just get divorced if that’s your attitude, because that’s not going to rebuild from a place of punishment. That’s just going to hurt you and hurt your spouse. And there’s not any connection or love in that. And so if that’s your personality, if that’s what you’re choosing to do, get really clear because that is not going to rebuild and want your partner to be sexually attracted to you. It’s just not going to work. And if both people aren’t willing to do the work. Now, I always say you can heal without your partner. In this particular, you know, if you’re going to do the 90-day sex fast, you have to have both of you on the same page. And that might be hard to do, but not impossible. So in closing, I just want to say an intimacy fast isn’t about deprivation. It’s about creating a real relationship where intimacy actually feels safe, honest, and real again. I really believe that I know I never tried this. I didn’t ever think of it, I guess. I don’t know. But I do have some clients doing it right now. And it actually, for the the woman, it’s created a lot more desire in her, which is a good thing, right? And so when the fast is broken, I think the reality is they’ve become closer and more connected and more vulnerable with each other. They’ve been able to have really difficult conversations and it’s really brought them closer together instead of divided them and brought them farther apart. It’s really been a beautiful thing. So I think done right, it can really make a huge difference in resetting your marriage. So if you’re listening to this and thinking, I don’t even know what I need anymore. I don’t even know what to do. It’s okay. You don’t have to know everything. This is where I can help you. I can help you teach the tools that you need to even have this hard conversation. Or I just labeled it as hard, but it doesn’t have to be hard. It could be really empowering to say, hey, let’s try this. I want our sex life to be amazing and it sucks right now. And so let’s try this. Let’s just see if it works. 90 days, it’s not going to kill you. You’re not going to die. I promise. You actually might really have a beautiful experience with it. So whether you decide to stay or leave, your healing matters. And this part of your healing is important because we want to define intimacy. We want to build and strengthen our intimacy. And whether if it’s not sexually, it can be emotionally. How can you become more emotionally intimate with yourself and with other people? So I just wanted to present this idea. I think it’s fascinating. I think it’s something clearly that they’ve done a lot of study, and it’s been helpful for some couples if it’s done right. And so I think it’s worth trying, especially after betrayal and seeing if it could really help and rebuild your marriage. Anyways, I hope this was helpful. Have a beautiful day, and I’ll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with 1N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
