Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So this topic I just I have a notes app on my phone and so anytime I hear something, I’ll put it in there and I’ll think about it. And it’s peacemakers versus peacekeepers. And I would personally have always like said I was a peacemaker, like I kept the peace in my family, I like peace, right, and so I was the only girl. I had boys, or I had boys, I had brothers. I do have boys too, but I’m just a peaceful person. That’s like kind of my. If I’m going to say, like, what kind of personality do you have? And I would say that that is part of my personality, right, but what I have realized that, yes, I kept the peace, but I don’t think I did it in a healthy way, especially in my marriage. And so I’m going to talk to you about the differences, right, and I want you to pay attention to what they are and see which one you are, because I think we think like that is a noble quality to keep the peace right, like that’s such a good thing. Right, you’re not a fighter, you’re a lover. But so I’m going to talk to peacekeepers. Okay, they’re more passive, while peacemakers are bold. Peacekeepers avoid, while peacemakers engage. Peacekeepers minimize conflict. While peacemakers maximize crucial questions and conversations. Peacekeepers keep problems out of sight and out of mind. Peacemakers accept responsibility for wrongs and resolution. Peacekeepers pursue artificial peace and allow wrongs to worsen. Peacemakers honor their creator by pursuing what’s right.
And if we’re going to go biblical, was Jesus a peacemaker or a peacekeeper? In the Sermon on the Mount, he said blessed are the peacemakers. A peacemaker is someone who brings peace to others. Jesus was a peacemaker. He helped people feel peace by serving and blessing them. So, as I read that and I was thinking about this, like, of course I want to be like Jesus, right, I want to be, keep the peace and be a peacemaker.
But I realize in my marriage I was peace keeping right. I was always trying to manage and minimize what my spouse was doing during his affairs. I wanted to make sure it didn’t affect my children, and so I was choosing him over choosing me, and I wouldn’t want to say something because then that might blow up into a fight, so I would just go inside and I was keeping the peace right, and I know this because I’ve talked to my kids. Right, we felt like we were walking on eggshells a lot. What were dad’s footsteps like when he came home from work? Were they happy and everything’s fine? Or did they feel and everything’s fine? Or were they, did they feel stressed out and nervous? And that, right, like, you’re allowed, he was allowed to feel stressed or happy or whatever.
But the thing is, when his reaction right, very critical, very mad, and so it’s like we thought, oh, if we keep the peace, then he won’t get mad at us or he won’t be negative or he won’t criticize us. That was a false belief, because that was not true. He still did those things. And so the fact that I’m not going to say anything about this number I found in your wallet or your suit coat, so I don’t have to hear you tell me like, oh, that was someone I met that’s some guy’s phone number, right, like a whole lie and a whole gaslight or a whole thing. And so instead I just wouldn’t ask him. That was me keeping the peace, but was it? No, it wasn’t. It was making my life miserable and I was living a lie.
And so I think many of us, we just need to do a little shift, right, can we go from peacekeeping to peacemaking Absolutely? And once you recognize the things that you’re doing in your own life and I’m not saying, of course, like we don’t want to have arguments in our family, right, and I bet there’s every if you have a large family, there’s someone in your family that is like to their little brother, be quiet. Don’t say that dad’s upset, mom’s upset, right, we don’t want to. You know they try to minimize, right, don’t tell your kids if you watch TV shows, optimize, right, don’t tell your kids If you watch TV shows, you know there’s lots of family dynamics that play out on different shows and you can be like there’s always someone at the family Christmas party or at the Thanksgiving dinner that is trying to make sure manage everyone’s emotions. Well, that’s exhausting and it’s not a reality. It’s not even possible. It’s just an inside belief. We think we are managing everyone’s emotions right.
Peacekeepers are calm. So these are, I would say, good things to be Calm, stable, warm, loyal and flexible to the needs of others. They are good listeners and even-tempered. They like doing practical jobs and often do the obvious jobs that others miss. They value trust strongly and enjoy being a part of a smaller team where they are valued and appreciated.
So if I said that and you heard that, you’re like well, those are good things, right, but the problem they do that at the expense of their own needs, their own emotions, their own feelings. They put everyone else’s needs above theirs. That’s where it’s a problem. The peacekeeper somehow becomes a mediator and tries to resolve conflicts and maintain harmony within the family. Everyone’s family, people have different temperaments and different things, and so it feels uncomfortable if someone starts yelling, but sometimes that’s just what needs to happen, okay, to get something resolved now. We don’t need to yell to have our problems resolved, but just sometimes that’s how it happens, but we do it at our own expense. They may sacrifice their own emotional needs to provide what they perceive their siblings, their husband, their wife or parents need, or their kids, okay. So how do you stop being a peacekeeper.
So becoming a peacekeeper could be the result, I mean, of past trauma for sure. That was why I felt like right, like I didn’t want to really talk about the betrayal or the affair, because I would have been lied to or heard something that was hurtful about myself. I would have been blamed and said it was you know, I didn’t look a certain way or wasn’t doing this or doing that, so of course, I didn’t want to talk about it. Right, and it could be. You know, you know you’re. You got a bad grade on a test and if you told your parents, they were going to react a certain way and so instead you did something else or you would protect your siblings anyway. So just acknowledge it, right, awareness is your best friend in this situation. Figure out, okay, where do I peace keep? And I want to stop doing that. It happens a lot of times in families, even as you’re an adult, in big family reunions or big get-togethers, just notice, right, who are the peacekeepers? Right, and that’s exhausting. But the consequences there’s so many negative consequences when you’re the peacekeeper, I think.
For me, years ago, I felt like everyone else in my family was having a problem. So my problem, I couldn’t speak it. I couldn’t tell anyone because if I had a problem then everyone else was having a problem. I felt like I had to help them with their problems, so I just ignored my problem. But my problem was pretty big right, it was really devastating, it was really caused me a lot of pain and my family had no idea. They didn’t know I was going through betrayal because I didn’t tell them, because I was keeping the peace, because I perceived their problems were bigger than my problem and that’s a problem. So you can see how this can affect yourself and I see how this affected me and I hope I never do that again and I hope I’ve learned my lesson that all of our problems were valid and we could have handled. All of our problems were valid and we could have handled all of them.
I think I have enough faith and confidence in myself and my family, with my kids. I know they’re all going to have problems, sometimes all in the same day, but I got it. We can talk about it. We can’t solve something and help something if we don’t even know what we’re doing right, if we’re not even speaking what we need and just so we can hold in, you know the thoughts and feelings of other people Most people when they’re the mediator, the peacekeeper, right? They’re trying to, like, mediate between, like, two people that are fighting with each other, right? And then they get put in the middle of it and sometimes it feels unaligned with what they want or need or what they even believe. And so get put in the middle of it and sometimes it feels unaligned with what they want or need or what they even believe, and so they’re in the middle of someone else’s problem, and that’s a horrible position to be in. Right, so you’ve got to create boundaries. Right, it’s not your job to solve other people’s problems. This happens I know a lot, with parent and child, two parents, fighting, and they bring their child into it, right, sadly, that’s the thing. And so we got to create boundaries. Right, it’s not your job. They’re married. It’s your parents’ job to figure out their own problems. They don’t need to bring you in it.
Another consequence of being a peacekeeper is that your focus is on others rather than yourself. Right, you’re so outwardly focused. You’re not even paying attention to your needs, and I really noticed this in my own life, how this really affected me, right, and I couldn’t see it then. So I’m going to give myself lots of grace and compassion. It wasn’t for 20 plus years that I saw that I even did this. I didn’t recognize that I was even doing this and what we’re trying to do is fill expectations of everyone else and just to avoid the conflict and the tension. It makes us feel uncomfortable. We don’t want people fighting, we want peace. Right, that’s our personality. But sometimes people have to figure out their own problems and sometimes they yell. And that’s okay, that’s on them, not on you. So really pay attention.
If there’s certain people in your life that you tend to be a peacekeeper for, pay attention to what your behavioral patterns are, what triggers you. I think that’s helpful, like just acknowledging, like I would have said, I’m a peacemaker. No, I wasn’t. I was peacekeeping for years. My entire marriage I was peacekeeping, and I feel irritated about that. But I’m glad I’m very aware of it now because I’m not going to ever do that again. I don’t do that, I try not to do that. I mean it’s a hard habit to break, but I’m at least very aware of it now. I focus on okay, we’re going to have this hard conversation. Right now I just do that with my kids, but having this hard conversation, or I guess, with a friend or other people in my life I could have that conversation with. But just pay attention to what situations and I think I probably still do this with my own family, right, with my brother and my parents, and I don’t know. So I’ve got to figure out a way. Am I peacekeeping or peacemaking? So just know that this is a thing and just get honest with yourself.
I think it’s good to journal about it, to pay attention to your triggers, to figure out okay, what is your go-to Like? Is it because you’re worried someone’s going to get in a fight, someone’s going to get mad? What is going on for you? When does this happen? Does this happen only at family get-togethers right, big family get-togethers or is it on the daily? Is it over the phone or is it when you’re in person? Right, you get to decide. You can stop it whenever you want.
Reflect what do you need in these situations? What kind of boundaries do you want to create for yourself? Decide, you know what, next time your mom calls you and wants to vent about your sister or your brother, you can be like you know what, mom, why don’t you go talk to that sibling and you guys figure it out. I don’t want to be involved in this problem anymore. It’s not my problem, it’s my siblings’ problem. Go talk about it with them. I love you, I’m here to support you, but I’m out, okay. Or if your mom is calling you about your dad or your dad’s calling you about your mom, set a boundary. It isn’t your job to fix their problem. Okay, it’s not your job and it’s only going to hurt you and really the whole dynamic of the relationship. It’s causing people to avoid talking about real issues and solving them. Okay. So just know that. Remind yourself of what is and isn’t your responsibility.
I think sometimes we think like I feel like I labeled myself. It’s my job to keep the peace in my family. This is my job. It’s my job when I was a little girl and a teenager, a young adult, and as I was married, I took that I. I continued that it is my job to make sure my kids don’t experience any adverse effects from their dad or any negative emotion. My problems aren’t as important as all my other siblings’ issues, so I’m just going to stay quiet. I’m going to keep the peace. So just remember that wasn’t right. Right, that was not, that was allowing me to not feel my emotions and to not be honest and truthful, and it wasn’t allowing me to get help and support from my family because I was trying to keep the peace. And it wasn’t good for my kids, because my kids learned that we should avoid things and we can’t avoid things because eventually those things always come out right In a really negative and bad way eventually, and so it’s important to learn how to address difficult subjects and topics. I think my kids are learning this. I hope they are. I know I’m learning it.
So once you become aware you know you can have the conversation with your family and just decide you know I’m not doing this anymore. I’m going to work on becoming a peacemaker, not a peacekeeper. So, just, you have to be intentional. So how to become a peacemaker, becoming a peacemaker, and especially in your marriage or especially after betrayal or any relationship, really, you have to actively seek to resolve conflict and maintain a harmonious relationship. So you have to be willing to step into what I’ll say the fire, step into the zone of. I don’t agree with you and I want to have this conversation.
I think somehow we’ve gotten the idea that an argument, a disagreement has to be yelling Absolutely not Like. You can have a healthy disagreement and not have any yelling involved. Be respectful, know what your needs are, know what you want, know what your point is. You can have healthy conversations. We just have to practice and get better at it. So if you have the mindset of like oh, this is going to become a screaming match, and if it is, you can say you know what? I’m going to leave the room for 20 minutes and I want you to calm down. If you don’t calm down, we won’t continue the conversation. But if you do, I’m going to come back in and we can continue the conversation. So you get to set whatever boundaries you want, right? If it does become a yelling match, you can withdraw from it and just calm yourself down and then re-engage later. But you have to talk about these hard subjects right and know your stance. Know what you want to have resolved or talked about. Come prepared, know what you want to have the conversation about. Prioritize your communication.
I think a lot of times like acknowledging if you were wrong, right, even if you don’t think you were, but your spouse does. Like say you know what I’m really sorry for, whatever you think I did or whatever’s going on here, like, apologize, be sincere, forgiveness. I always call it a soft heart, right, like that’s really hard when you’re talking about betrayal and I’m not telling you need to forgive that. But if you’re just having a conversation with someone that you know your mom or your siblings or your kids right, just be like you know what I love you, I want to work this out, right. That’s what peacemaking has, that softness about it, right, but you’re not. You’re still pressuring, having this hard conversation, right. If you need help, seek help.
Okay, I think open and honest communication is crucial. I always tell my clients tell the truth, the whole truth, even if the truth is I don’t like you very much. Today, I’m really struggling with finding out that you’re continuing talking to your affair partner. Finding out that you’re continuing talking to your affair partner. That makes me feel terrible, insecure, not wanting to trust you. I mean whatever, but the more vulnerable and you can lean into the hard truth, the more connected you’re going to become and you’re going to be able to have a better conversation, as opposed to sweeping it under the rug and not talking about it and avoiding it just to keep the peace.
Okay, refrain from assumptions I know that’s hard. I assume things sometimes and so we don’t know. We have to just ask the question so we can know. Active listening that’s another hard one for me, right? Because I’m always preparing for what’s the next thing I want to say. So practice these are things. That’s why we have to practice them. See if we can sit in the uncomfortable and have that person talk to us and share their hearts and their feelings and see their perspective. We want to see what their perspective is, because maybe we can have a lot more compassion for them if we see their perspective.
Own our part in whatever the disagreement is. What did we do that might have contributed to it if there was any part of it, and sometimes there’s only like 1%, right, and then the other person is 99%, but that’s okay, you can just own that 1%. Or if you really don’t feel like you did anything, you can be like you know what? I just can’t see what my part is in this. But can you help me see yours and then maybe I can see it right, like you have to just push on the muscle of. We’re going to have this hard, difficult conversation.
Seek common ground that’s important. Figure out what do you agree with, sometimes, honestly, both of us, especially if you’re fighting like, let’s say, about kids, we both love our kids. We’re just going to, I’m going to assume, your husband and you love your kids, but you might have two different ways of going about disciplining them or teaching them or whatever. But just go to the fact. The common ground is you both love your kids. Okay, so try to find common ground, if you can. Maybe common ground in betrayal is right now you both want to stay married and that’s the common ground. Okay, we can go there, we can make progress from there, but we have to have that conversation.
The thing I want you to understand about peacemaking is you are kind of walking in to the hard, but with the hope of peace, and you’re not going to tell someone like, oh, it’s totally okay that you had an affair, right, like, that’s not it, no, it is. You’re calling them to whatever. Like, whatever they’ve done, oh, you hit your brother, you bit your brother on. You know you bit him. It’s not saying like, oh, that’s totally fine, it’s no, it’s like, no, son or daughter, we don’t bite. Or no, husband, I am very devastated that you had an affair. What are you going to do? How are you going to get help and healing? This is what I’m going to do. Right, you’re acknowledging it and you’re trying to figure it out together, as opposed to sweeping it under the rug and not talking about it. Okay, you’re willing to have those hard, challenging conversations, but you’re, you know, creating a safe place so someone can tell you something.
I always think of a safe place, like people are like what does that mean? That just means, when someone tells you something that’s really hard to say or they feel lots of shame, that you can hold space for it, that you can sit there and you’re not going to judge them. You’re going into it like I love you and we’re going to figure this out. That’s what a peacemaker would do finding ways. It isn’t your spouse’s job to make you feel comfortable or accepted or loved right, it’s your job to feel those things. Don’t put that on your spouse. And it’s not your job to make him feel comfortable or not feel bad or, you know, not have shame. It’s his job, okay. So don’t give each other that much power. If you need to take a break, if you need to self-soothe because you’re too triggered, too upset, too emotional, you can step away because you’re taking care of you and your needs.
I think paying attention to yourself Like are you a peacekeeper or are you a peacemaker? And if you’re a peacekeeper, recognize, okay, that is hurting myself, my family, my marriage. I’m going to focus on being a peacemaker and I’m going to do that by going into the hard, having those conversations that I think that by me avoiding was helping, but it was actually hurting my marriage, my relationship, my family. And it doesn’t mean you just have to walk up to someone and say you suck and remember when you did this 10 years ago. That’s not it, but it’s paying attention. When you feel like hurt or you feel like something needs to be addressed, you address it with calm, loving, compassion. Right, you’re going in it, trying to see both sides and I think this is going to be so helpful. And remember, if you want to be more Christ-like, he was a peacemaker and I think that’s an important thing to pay attention to. Right.
How can we be more peacemakers? We need a world, our world needs peacemakers and I think so many of us, especially that grew up in a religious culture. Yeah, we heard peace, we heard the peace part, but we became peacekeepers because we thought, oh, but contention’s not good, or we shouldn’t yell at people, or, you know, we felt like it was about yelling and lack of yelling equals peace. No, that’s not true. Lack of yelling might just mean you’re brushing something under the rug that needs to be addressed. And just because something hard, especially betrayal, divorce I mean there’s lots of hard in the world Just because you’re going to talk about it, doesn’t mean there has to be an argument about it. That’s what a healthy has to be an argument about it. That’s what a healthy adult learns how to do. And if you don’t know how to do this, it can help you, you can figure it out, you can change, you can become aware and get better at being a peacemaker. So thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful week and I will talk to you next week.
