Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.
Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So today I’m talking about co-parenting. And I have several clients, including myself, that are divorced. And sometimes it’s really frustrating when we have an idea of how our former spouse is supposed to show up and they don’t. And this particular client was talking about how her kids they have this Disneyland dad. Now, I’m gonna try just to instead of making everything gendered, I’m gonna just say a Disneyland parent because I get there are some women out there that are the Disneyland mom. And I’m not saying it’s a negative, okay, but it was causing her thinking this thought that she had to be the stable parent and that her husband got to be the Disneyland dad was causing her a lot of pain. And so as we were coaching, I was like, hey, what if, because he really wasn’t a Disneyland dad. I’m like, I think he’s more a convenience store. He’s more like 7-Eleven. He only is, it’s a convenience store. And I just thought in that moment, I’m like, I’ve got to do a podcast on this. Because I think how we think about our spouse matters. Now, for some of you, that will feel very negative, but for her, it gave her so much relief because she, in her mind, was making his him this like fun, awesome, amazing dad. But the truth was, he was only a dad when it was convenient for him. So remember, I just want this message to be loud and clear that you cannot force your former spouse to become the parent you wish they would be. I know that’s so disappointing, but I promise you trying to live in fantasy land is only going to keep you stuck. And we have to deal with reality. You can stop letting their inconsistency run your emotional life. Create boundaries around what you can control and become the stable parent your children need. And I just think if you can start practicing this, if you are co-parenting, or I don’t really co-parent, but uh obviously my kids have a dad and I have thoughts about him. And so I just think this is good for you to if if this is your situation, right? So consider if you, you know, have the thought like they are just a Disneyland dad or parent. Okay. I want you to challenge it. In my opinion, a Disneyland parent may actually be very involved. They
take the kids’ places, they plan fun things, they spend their parenting time with them and genuinely want to participate in their lives. So I think sometimes we, it’s a negative, but if we get curious about it, we think, oh, actually, they’re they’re a pretty good parent. They just, it’s easier for them maybe to have more fun with the kids. I don’t know. And a convenience store parent is they parent when it’s convenient. They take their parenting time when it works with their schedule. They cancel when something better comes along. They show up late. They bring the kids back whenever they want. They skip the boring responsibilities but want to show up for the fun stuff. And meanwhile, the other parent is left carrying the emotional and logistical load. So I just think this is an important distinction for your brain. This episode isn’t about labeling your ex as a bad person. It’s about understanding the dynamic so you can decide how you want to respond to it because the only person you have control over is you. Okay, so we’re gonna compare the two. So maybe a Disneyland parent is fun-focused and perhaps avoids some discipline or mundane responsibilities, but is still consistently involved. They may overdo the trips, gifts, restaurants, and entertainment. And yes, that can be frustrating when you’re the one saying, Did you do your homework? Did you brush your teeth? You need to go to bed, but they’re still showing up. And I would say I can totally see this. Um, my former spouse does well financially, and so he can buy my kids these really amazing trips and probably bigger gifts that in my mind feel extreme. But I get it, right? And so for me, I add the thought like, I’m so glad they get that opportunity. I make it more about my kids. I’m glad someone in their life can take them on a trip to a really cool place instead of making it mean something negative about me. But it takes a lot of work to get there and it takes a lot of being able to drop the judgment. So be kind to yourself and don’t judge yourself because this is hard stuff. A convenience store parent, their involvement revolves around their convenience rather than the child’s need for consistency. I’ll take them this weekend unless something comes up, right? I’ll come to the game if I don’t have something else going on. I’ll pick them up at five, and then five becomes 6:30. Sometimes they simply don’t exercise their parenting time. That’s a very different experience for the other parent and especially for the children. So be clear on
actually what is happening. I thought I was curious, right? So I asked chat, like, what are some other labels? Because I don’t want you to necessarily label to judge them. I want to label, I want you to think about whatever your co-parent is to help you be more empowered. And I think sometimes telling the truth to ourselves can help you do that. If you can be like, oh yeah, and especially when we bring humor into it, because sometimes we make it mean something really heavy. Anyway, so there’s people they have holiday parents. And even if you’re an adult, you might have some of these parents. And so instead of making it mean a negative, you can, but that’s just gonna cause you pain, is just realizing, accepting the reality of your situation. Oh, my parents a holiday parent. They show up for birthdays, Christmas graduations, they want the Instagram worthy pictures, and that’s it. They don’t want to deal with everyday life, they just want those moments. And I could totally see some of you as you’re an adult, but your parents are this way. There’s some parents that just want to be the highlight real parent. They want pictures, they want public appearances of being involved without doing much behind the scenes. And yeah, this is painful when we wish that our parents were different, but when we can accept who they are, lean into acceptance and not judgment, we can just be, okay, that’s who they are, but that’s not who I want to be. There’s the substitute teacher parent. They come occasionally, don’t really know the routine. They let everything slide and leave regular parents to restore order. The DoorDash parent drops in, delivers something fun or exciting, and disappears again. I’m guessing each of you can relate or think of like, oh yeah, I totally know who this person, I know a person like that. The RSV parent says they’re coming, but nobody knows until the event whether they’re actually going to show up. I feel like we could totally relate this to maybe grandparents of our kids. Some of us can. The babysitter parent treats their own parenting time as if they’re helping you out rather than parenting their children, which I think is common. And it can be painful if we think it shouldn’t be this way. The revolving door parent goes through periods of being highly involved and then disappears again. The ATM parent believes financial contribution is the primary or only responsibility they have as a parent. Now, some of you would really hope that your co-parent would be the ATM parent to take some of the financial burden off of you. The emergency-only parent isn’t involved in everyday parenting, but suddenly wants authority when something big happens. Now, I want
to change that to what kind of parent do you want to be? Like I love to be the hero of my story. That’s really the focus. But what if you’re the anchor? What if you’re the anchor parent? The thing that is keeping your kids, you know, anchoring them to the foundation, their life, you’re showing up. I just think you’re the predictable parent. You’re emotionally available, you’re boundaried, you’re consistent. To me, that regardless of what other of these parenting, co-parenting dynamics sound like, oh, I wish I could be that. The truth is, I don’t. And I want you to consider don’t you want to be the one that is there for your kids? That’s what I do. I want my kids to know I’m always there. I’m their person. If they need help, I’m not going to judge them. I’m going to love them first and I’m going to show up for them. I’m going to probably have boundaries and but consistency, that’s what children really need. And I get this looks different depending on your kids’ age, but I have adult kids and I feel like I’m the anchor parent. I am the one that is consistent and stable. And I’m not saying that to judge their dad, but just to show me who I am, because that’s all that matters to me is who I am going to be. So after betrayal and divorce, you may already be carrying thoughts like, they destroyed our family and now I have to do everything. I get that. I have felt that before. They get to go live their new life while I’m raising the kids. Yeah, I 100% can relate to all of these thoughts. I’ve felt them, but the truth is eventually they’re not going to help you anymore. They’re going to keep you stuck and in a lot of pain. How can they choose their new partner over their children? Why do I have to be the responsible one? This is so unfair. And the truth is, it might actually be unfair. But also, life was never meant to be fair. Divorce, betrayal, it isn’t fair. But you believing some of these thoughts is going to be a lot more painful. And actually, I like to think like, I am so glad that my kids have me. Thank goodness they have me. Thank goodness I didn’t also go runoff with the pool boy and get married, right? Thank goodness that didn’t happen. I mean, my kids, I guess, would have had to figure it out, but I’m so grateful that wasn’t my part of the story, my part of the story that I was with them, that I provide them a home to live in and they feel safe and secure. You don’t have to convince yourself that things are unfair, right? We don’t have to believe that they were supposed to be, but fighting reality every single week doesn’t make your former spouse more responsible. So I think it’s accepting the reality. When you want them to be different, they may or may not be, but what it is, it’s you becoming more miserable because you think they should be different than they are. Your survival brain wants to track them. Are they coming? Why aren’t they here? Where are they? Why are they doing this? What kind of parent does that? But if you bring your CEO brain online, you can think of thought like given who this person has repeatedly shown me they are, how do I want to handle this? So I think it’s important to pay attention to patterns, right? Not one every now and again, but I think you figure out who your co-parent is. First of all, you were married to them probably for years and decades. So you already know exactly who they are. And sometimes people do change after divorce and become something different, but also sometimes they just become more of who they are without you, and you realize okay, instead of resisting that, lean into it and accept it, not because you’re okay with it, because not accepting it is making you miserable and keeping you stuck. Sometimes after divorce, we’re still
trying to parent our former spouse, but we get way too involved in like you need to call your daughter. Now, I I see this inside myself so often. Sometimes I’m like, dude, can’t you just talk to your kids? But I resist the temptation to go there. And I just don’t. I think if they want to talk to their kids, they can. They are just as capable as I am. You should, you know, tell them to go to the game, right? And then we um I had a friend, she was like sending the calendar and making sure they knew when all the back to school nights were. And I’m like, you’re not his secretary. You do not need to do that. He is a grown adult that can Google his children’s school website and find the information out just like you. So stop doing that because it was causing her so much irritation and frustration. And she already had a huge mental load on her. We don’t have to manage. They are an adult, and if they want to find out when the back to school night is, they totally can. Or remind them about their daughter’s recital or their son’s band performance or whatever your children are involved in. Finding out, you know, what time were they going to be there? If you know, like, okay, they always say they’re gonna be here at a certain time and they’re always an hour and a half late. You don’t have to continue just getting them to show up differently, right? You’ve may have spent your entire marriage reminding, compensating, fixing, and covering for them. Divorces give you an opportunity to put that responsibility back where it belongs. Their relationship with their children belongs to them. So remember that. I know we feel bad. And so we think, well, if I just remind them one more time, my kids won’t be disappointed. But sometimes our kids need to be disappointed. And them getting disappointed will teach them a lesson, right? They’re gonna learn something from that. Doesn’t mean you intentionally make things difficult. It means you stop believing it’s your responsibility to manufacture a relationship between your children and the other parent. That’s exhausting. It isn’t your job, it is their job. So if you have an inconsistent parent, co-parent that you’re dealing with, remember, believe the patterns, not the promises. If they’re consistently been late for three years, don’t build your emotional stability around them suddenly being punctual. Realize, like, okay, I know they’re gonna be late instead of resisting that because it’s like, but they shouldn’t be. No, they should be because they are. Create boundaries instead of arguments. A boundary isn’t you need to start being on time. It’s deciding what you will do when they’re late. Stop rearranging your entire life. And so you could figure out, hey, we will wait for you for 15 minutes. Otherwise, we’re gonna go home or do something different, and then you’ll have to figure out how to meet up with us. I’m not going to sit in the car for another hour waiting for you. So you got to figure that out. You have to be really clear on what you’re going to do, not what they need to change. You can be flexible without being perpetually available. Don’t make the children responsible for the adult’s behavior. Avoid making them the messenger, investigator, or referee. Let your children have their own relationship with their parent. They may eventually see things you desperately want to explain to them. You don’t necessarily have to convince them. And like I said before, allow disappointment without immediately fixing it. The truth is, we are all going to be disappointed. You are disappointed in the fact that your co-parent is not doing what they said they were going to
do. And sometimes your kids are going to be disappointed. Your child’s disappointment isn’t always an emergency. You can say something like, I know you were really looking forward to seeing your mom or dad today. It makes sense that you’re disappointed. We need to give our kids permission to be disappointed because it’s a human emotion and it’s a real human emotion that they’re going to feel often in their life. People disappoint people. You don’t have to defend your ex. You don’t have to attack them either. And you can simply just be there and be sit in the disappointment with them. I know it’s uncomfortable. Who do you want to be? I want to be the anchor parent. I want to be the hero parent. I want to be the parent that is consistent. But I want you to decide from an empowering place what kind of parent that you want to be. So maybe your former spouse is a convenient store parent. You can’t control that. But what kind of parent are you going to be? Instead of focusing on who they are or aren’t being, who are you becoming? Your children know what parent means what they say, right? They already know. You don’t need to tell them or say, like, hey, just so you know, right? They they already know. They know what parent shows up, they know what parent doesn’t make them responsible for adult problems. They know what parent lets them love the other parent. They know what parent gives them stability even when life isn’t that stable. So being an anchor parent doesn’t mean being the martyr parent. Sometimes I think some of us become the martyr, right? We become the victim again. No, being the hero or anchor parent is an empowered parent. Remember, you can still set boundaries, you still get a life, you still get to say no, you still get to heal, and you don’t have to compensate for everything your former spouse isn’t doing. And if you struggle with this, it’s just good information, right? You know, oh, this is the muscle that I need to practice. This is the muscle I need to do some heavy lifting in, that I need to practice more, that I need to be uncomfortable trying. What if you stopped spending your energy trying to turn a convenience store parent into an anchor parent and use that energy to become the healthiest, most grounded version of yourself? Because your ex may never parent the way you think that they should, and that’s painful. But your peace cannot depend on their parenting performance, and neither can your healing. So if this resonated with you, if you find yourself struggling with this, I would love to help. I’d love to be your coach. Please reach out and we can chat. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
