Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace so you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.
Why This Divorce Story Matters
Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Well, I had so much fun interviewing Bubba that I brought him back for this week. So if you haven’t had a chance, go back and listen to last week’s podcast and you can get to know Bubba a little bit, but we are going to continue our conversation. And today we’re really going to highlight how it is getting divorced with eight kids. Yes, I said that right. Eight kids. So, anyways, hey Beba, thanks so much for coming back and being on my podcast. Tell me when you decided, when you and your wife decided to get divorced, how did it go? How did you decide how to present it to your kids? And how are your kids, how did they do in that moment? And how are they doing today? Because it’s been about a year and a half or
Nesting During Separation Explained
or so. Yeah.
So that you know, that whole process was a little over two years ago because it was during the separation. So we ended up being open and uh openly communicate for the most part, age appropriately, um, what it was uh that was happening. And so separation was they understood that you know, mom would be in the house for a week and then dad would be in the house for a week. We ended up doing that type of rotation and we nested.
Yes.
And so nesting was uh for us, I know not everyone can do this because we have an amicable relationship. Yeah, nesting ended up being a beautiful thing for our kids. And it lasted almost a year. And what that means, if for those who haven’t heard of nesting, the kids stay in the nest, which is one home, usually the marital home, and then the parents fly, you know, go to another place. Okay. So nesting, kids stay, they have their same bed, their same schools, their same structure, same uh, you know, schedule. And then the parents go in and out. You know, it’s not convenient for the parents.
Yeah. So did you go to an apartment or where did you?
Yeah, so I just went to an apartment. She went to her parents and and it was uh we were able to do week on, week off.
Okay.
And uh, you know, even uh so if you have an amicable, if you can at least be amicable to a point, that nesting can be a beautiful thing for your kids.
Yeah.
And and so I would highly recommend it if you can be amicable. Now, a lot of divorce attorneys will never recommend it because uh you you don’t want to have interactions where the kids see negative conversations that that that you never want to incorporate. And one of the number one rules that we kind of agreed upon is that we wouldn’t speak ill of each other uh in front of our children, like ever. Why why would we do that? This they’re half one parent, half the other parent. So uh, you know, these things about speaking ill, that that should never be something your kids should ever hear about. Your children are should never be holding an adult emotional process. They need to stay as kids, they need to feel the love, they need to know that it’s not them and it’s not their fault, even though they may still feel like it’s their fault that there was a divorce, that both mom and dad love them dearly and that they’re gonna work together, that we can still be friends and work through this process. Those were components that um we tried to incorporate in our discussion. But it’s still going to affect the children. I know people say kids are resilient, and yes, they are. But again, divorce is not just a legal document. We talked about this before, right? It is a spiritual, it’s a psychological, it’s a physical component that affects the children as well. And you have to be if you’re thinking or considering divorce, you have to think about the complexities of what happens when children go through divorce. Now, yes, there’s all kinds of different scenarios where if it was so bad that the kids were seeing horrific fighting and and uh, you know, people treating each other poorly, they shouldn’t be seeing that either, right? But as adults, it is our job to learn to regulate our emotions and to be able to be there as a responsible adult and parent for our children, no matter what is happening in your marriage. Um, and it is sad when parents leverage kids in some negative way as a messenger, as a manipulation tactic, as a whatever. Luckily, we’ve never dealt with that in our in our relationship. And I’m so grateful because our co-parenting has has gone quite well. But I would just want to warn those who are going through this. Please do not put your kids in crossfire. They should never have to deal with this. And for them to be as healthy as possible, they need to see adults treating each other like adults with kindness and with a type of love. And even if you’re dying inside, I’m so sorry, but they have to only be kids. They should not have to deal with those adult emotions yet.
Yeah.
Um, and maybe when they’re 18, 20, 25, whatever, there can be a more healthy discussion, but age appropriate is what they need to anyway.
Never Put Kids In The Middle
That’s a that’s a big one. And I I know a lot of people have a lot to say on that.
Well, no, I agree. The problem is one of you might be emotionally strong and emotionally resilient, and then your partner is not, and that happens so often. And so it just makes it tricky. There’s there’s lots of yes.
Think of it as a long game. Play the long there’s so many circumstances where one spouse belittles the other spouse to the children, and or even speaks ill of that, and then the children hate that spouse, the other one. Yes, but guess what? Most times when they become adults, they realize what manipulation that other one was doing when you were a child, and it flops. And the adult children now hate the one that was so wrong in belittling the other one, and they love the person who just kept their head on straight and kept moving forward. So just remember if you are thinking or planning on belittling your spouse, one, it’s wrong, and you shouldn’t do that. And try to talk about our last podcast. Yeah, heal those emotional pieces of yourself so that you can be emotionally regulated. Um, because the kids should never have to deal with that kind of stuff. And it’s so sad because those will be wounds that the children will have to face. No matter what, a divorce is going to create wounds in the children. Um, even just because they we’re raised to believe love is one thing and that’s forever. So talking about just the responsibility of the adult, adults working with the children and expressing what this divorce looks like. We chose to not talk about specific details. We chose not to describe why. Um, and that was really hard. Um, and it’s hard for the children to understand, but it’s if any of that is going, in my opinion, if any of that is going to throw one or the other person under the bus, that already starts it off in a negative way.
Yeah.
And I had a really hard time with that concept at first, but I I know why for the health of our children. And I do believe our children have done phenomenally well. It doesn’t mean they haven’t seen a therapist, doesn’t mean that they haven’t had hard moments or asked deeper questions. But the goal was to never throw the other person under the bus no matter what happened. As a child, they don’t need to know and they don’t need to understand all of those intricate pieces. As adult children, maybe that’s a different story. I haven’t experienced that, so I can’t speak on that. But you know, some children will become quieter, some children will become more emotional, some children will ask more questions than others, some will even act as if they’re fine uh while they’re really internalizing everything. Some may step up and try to be, you know, tough. And, you know, understanding each one of your children and how they process pain differently uh can be uh a really important part.
One On One Time With Each Child
So to me, more one-on-one time uh going on individual with eight.
Yeah, how do you do that with eight?
It’s incredibly intentional.
Yeah.
You have to have intentionality in the relationship with your children, just like you should with your spouse.
Yeah.
And I think from uh a man’s perspective, uh, in my divine masculinity, I need to lead in this regard. So I’m going to plan. I’m not gonna wait for a spouse to plan.
Yeah.
I’m going to plan. When am I having one-on-one dates? And I rotate. So every when I have my children every other week, I try to have one-on-one time specifically on a date with rotating through each child. Um, if I can do it when it’s not my week, I’ll try to incorporate that as well. So, for example, I fly out today with my oldest son for his tumbling competition, and it’s just he and I. And so we’re going to have, you know, three or four days, just he and I, and that one-on-one. Now, I know trips are difficult with eight kids, and I don’t expect everyone to be able to do that. But there’s even 15, that’s so many studies that show between 10 and 15 minutes a day of one-on-one time with a parent and a child, whether you’re a single parent or married parent, that one-on-one time can be extremely valuable. So even on a car ride, taking your child from one place to another as a carpool, you can make that one-on-one time. You don’t have to have the radio or a TV show on.
Yeah.
You can ask intentional questions, not just how was your day?
Yeah.
But ask them deeper, you know, uh something to at least get them talking. What was something fun that happened today?
Yeah.
So then you don’t get a yes or no question, right? Um, which friend did you play with and what did you do with them today? You know, what are your what is something you’re struggling with today? Or this week, or this
Better Questions And Real Listening
month. So these intentional questions, and it’s one thing that through the fatherhoodmovement.com, we’re going to be sending people texts each week as a reminder of certain questions that you get asked to intentionally begin a discussion with your your kids and to teach some life principles along the way. Age appropriate life principles. So uh so one-on-one time, yeah. Uh listening, sometimes I get into dad mode and I want to teach teach life principles.
Yeah.
So I’m like, okay, kids, life, you know, life principle today, and I’ll go. And I need to remember, I just want to let them talk and speak. And so sometimes I don’t go to bed on time because my daughter wants to talk. And if that’s the time she wants to talk, I’m gonna talk to her. And if that, you know, uh goes into some of my personal sleep, I’m totally okay with that for the most part, to be able to have that one-on-one time because that’s when she’s willing to talk. So listening is key. Emotional check-ins, helping them to name emotions. Are they feeling sad? Are they feeling lonely? Are they feeling angry? Are they feeling happy? Going through and asking them what is their current emotional state, what how are they feeling emotionally, having them say it out loud so they can start to recognize what’s going on emotionally can be a huge help with that. Validating feelings, even if it seems unreasonable what they’re asking for.
Yes.
How can we validate their feelings? You don’t that doesn’t mean you give in to everything they ever ask for or everything they ever want. That’s that’s not it. Um, but how do we validate when they’re sad and maybe they did something to the other child and they’re sad because they got in trouble?
Yeah.
How can we validate that it’s okay to be sad and then help teach the correct principle? Those validate validating feelings is going to be um emotionally a healthy environment for those kids.
Emotions, Validation, And Consistent Schedules
And then creating consistency. So we’ve chosen to do week on, week off with our kids. Um mainly because she and I both get to see the kids on our off weeks every off week. Because you have games, you have practices, you have performances, you have uh uh birthdays, you have events. Guaranteed we’re able to see them two or three times on our off weeks. So it never feels like a full seven days. I believe a seven-day structure for us was the most healthy thing possible. They only have one transition day, and then they can go through all of their school and activities at the same home. They don’t have to question who’s picking them up after school. And I’ve heard of all the other circumstances. It’s every other day, it’s two to five, it’s five, three, two. It’s for me, our experience was seven days on, seven days off was the best for the health of the consistency of the child. So I’m a huge proponent in that. And then knowing that children don’t need perfect parents, they need healed and present parents. So when you get home from work, let’s say, um you find your phone seems to always be in your face.
Yes.
You may want to find a special place for that phone so that you’re not constantly looking. Now, can you go in and check in every so often? Because you need to know what’s going on, sure. But the kids need to know that you’re present. So are you asking them questions? Are they heartfelt questions? Are you eating dinner with no devices and no screens? Are you even having family dinner? Period. And making sure that time is coming. We do something at dinner, I’ll share
Screen Free Connection Family Rituals
this. A tip. We call it sweet sour service. I learned it from my sister.
I like it.
When we sit around the table, this gives each individual child their own time to say what was sweet, what made them happy today, what was sour, what made them sad today. And then what service did they provide? How did they help someone today? And everyone else is supposed to be quiet, and so they get their one-on-one time to like talk. And um, it’s a beautiful experience for them to reflect on their day, to realize what they did. And um, these are just some key insights to help children process, process emotions, whether you’ve been through a divorce or not, asking these types of things, emotional check-ins, one-on-one time, uh another key tip, something called tucking time. Pick one child at the end of the day. Um, or if you’re a two-parent household, maybe you can do two and uh spend 15 minutes with them, non-screed time related, and they get to choose what they do. For 15 minutes, it’s just you and that child. And it’s it’s not always easy to figure this out with other aged kids going to bed at different times, but that child gets 15 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time, and then you rotate every night. And um, if it’s their day, then they might say the prayers for the family. They might uh have that one-on-one time, they might be in charge of pick the seat in the car, kind of a thing. Yeah, those are some of those.
Yeah, well, you have so many great tips. You it’s good because you have eight kids, right? You gotta have some structure. And I’m gonna ask you one last question before we
Work, Sports, Help, And Planning
go. We could be talking for hours, but how have you managed just you work, right? How are you managing still providing for your family and then doing all of you know the activities and all the things? Because I know that’s a struggle for men, especially. I mean, women now, for me, I’ve had to like go back to work and do all the things. So, how are you managing that with your own healing, with your kids? Like it’s a lot. So, how do you manage that? It’s a lot.
I mean, eight kids, each one has roughly two sports apiece, plus a musical instrument each. Um, so it gets really busy really fast. Step number one, if you are financially able to hire help, no shame in having somebody that can be your driver, uh, have a home helper. Um, you know, we’ve and I know not everyone can do this, so I’m gonna say this with a grain of salt, but we have a full-time home helper that goes with the children.
Oh, okay.
So, like I have help doing laundry, I have help cleaning up and picking up, I have help meal prepping. And if I need I like to drive um kids everywhere because I want that time in the car with them. But if I have to be in three places at once, then I have somebody to help.
Okay.
Some of the things that you can do if you if you can’t uh financially, if that’s not feasible, then you get on the carpools like crazy.
Yes.
Right? You have you figure out with other parents that how you can do the carpooling. You figure out how to do play dates and you structure play dates with healthy children and healthy families so that you can um have Mondays this person and Tuesdays with this person, and Wednesdays is at my place, and you have three or four kids come and play. And I know this for little younger children.
Right.
And then when you have a driver, so I have one driver now, it’s a miracle.
Yes.
Um, and we help to he helps to support some of the kids’ things. He obviously has his own stuff going on. Yes, and nor am I gonna put him in a parental relationship. I don’t want to parentify him. Yeah, but he can take the kids to their middle school on his way to high school, and then I take the kids to elementary school because that’s they have to go at different times. And so hiring help, there’s no shame in that. I love having cleaners come, they come every other week and they do all the deep cleaning because there ain’t no way I’m gonna get to all that.
Yeah, right.
Just plain and simple. I need help doing it. Yeah, um, I still want to be a coach for my kids’ sports, and it’s a sacrifice, which means I’m going to work less. I chose to be an entrepreneur because I wanted to have more control over my time. I’ve been able to work from home for over 10 years. Now, it’s incredibly hard to work from home when you have this many children, especially during the summertime when they’re not in school. And so having struct, I think having structured play dates, having structured sports, having structured whether it’s instructional learning experiences, can be beneficial. They’re not just gonna be on screens all day, but can they be learning the piano and instrument? Can they um be joining the swim team or can they be on those types of pieces will help them be active, healthy, and uh, you know, involved in different pieces. So hiring, I I chose a career that allowed me to have that flexibility. And I did this 10 years ago because I knew I wanted to be at home with my kids so that they didn’t, you know, dad going to work wasn’t just me leaving and driving away. Now, some people feel very differently about this. Yeah. And they think, no, I’m going to an office so the kids know I go and work. I look at this different.
Yeah.
If I’m able to work, if I’m able to work from home, they know my door’s shut. I’m on a phone call, they’re not able to come in. It’s they’ve they’ve learned a boundary that they can’t do that. If there’s an emergency, of course.
Yeah.
But good thing I was there for that. But they know that there’s a boundary. If I’m on phone calls, I cannot help them at that time. There are certain working hours. And when I have my children during the seven days on, seven days off, I don’t work as much. Plain and simple. When I don’t have my children, I work a crazy amount more to make up for it.
It makes sense.
So these are just some of the pieces of how we’ve been able to do it. But there is hope. Yeah. You can do this. It takes intentional planning. And then I try and coach folks I work with nightly planning for the day ahead is imperative. Weekly planning on a Sunday for the full week.
Yeah.
Incredibly important. Yearly planning in November for the entire next year, putting the boulders on the calendar. It has to happen.
Yeah, I love that. I love that. Well, Baba, thanks so much for sharing all your amazing insight and tools.
Where To Follow Bubba And Closing
It’s been very, I think, really helpful for people. And so last but not least, tell us how people can find you, how they can follow you, or listen to your podcast or whatever.
So Bubba Page is my name. Okay. That’s my handle on Instagram.
Okay.
I’m active on Instagram. I’m active in LinkedIn. So anybody on the more business side can connect with me on LinkedIn.
Okay.
And uh I have a website called BubbaPage.com. It’s just my name.
Okay.
And that has them all of my links of where to go find me.
Okay, great.
I do run uh busin the businessboot camp.com.
Okay.
So it helps entrepreneurs be able to figure out what they’re doing and and build up their own businesses. Any kind of business or mostly early, early stage companies. Okay. Meaning uh if it’s a stay-at-home mom trying to figure it out. Yeah. If it’s a nine to five dad trying to do a side hustle.
Okay.
If it’s below a million in revenue, that’s our core that’s our core people.
Okay.
Above a million, there’s a lot of other coaches that can do that for sure in revenue. So, but it can be zero. It can be an idea.
Yeah.
But the businessbootcamp.com, there’s online resources, there’s group coaching, there’s one-on-one. It’s all there. Fatherhoodmovement.com is all about a Christian-centered, you know, men’s group and women’s group for healing. So it’s healing in relationships, healing in, you know, to become the best version of yourself. And then I do run a venture capital syndicate called influence.vc. So I know there’s a lot going on.
Yeah.
Um, but I have great people that help me to run these pieces. Um, hiring great help is perfect. You have to generate revenue to do that.
But yes, yes. That’s all part of it. Well, thanks so much. I appreciate your knowledge and your willingness to share because not everyone is. So thank you so much for sharing your divorce experience with your co-parenting and parenting your kids. It’s a lot, but I think we learn from each other and we can heal with each other, right? So, anyways, all right, everyone, have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
