Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So today is another podcast episode that someone wrote in and asked me to talk about Ashley. Thank you, it’s not my daughter, but it’s a friend bizarrely right Like Facebook just someone that I knew in my past like from, I think, my kid’s school who was getting a divorce because of betrayal and she wanted to know how to deal with losing family after divorce and betrayal. Such a great topic, right? I think everyone’s situation is different, and so I know my situation’s different than I’m guessing Ashley’s is. Many of you probably live around your family. I mean, that feels like the case. I live in Utah. A lot of people live by their in-laws and their parents and their five brothers and sisters and the aunts and uncles and cousins, so there’s a lot of family dynamics there and I’m sure that it’s just really challenging. And then my situation I don’t live by my family at all or my in-laws, and so maybe that was a blessing for me. I don’t know, but I did have some. I’ll share some of my experiences but kind of help you. And first of all, I just want you to acknowledge that, first of all, getting divorced is so hard and to top it off, when there has been betrayal, right, it is, I feel like, even harder, right, there’s so much pain. So you have all this grief. And then you have the grief of family. I was married for 26 years, right, so my mother-in-law I know her very well. She used to come to our house twice a year for weeks, and so I was the person at home making sure she was taken care of and all the things right. So that was really.
It’s a big shift I’ve noticed with my parents. My parents had to grieve losing their son-in-law, right, who they considered their son for 26 years, and the fact that what he did, right, like his betrayal, felt like a betrayal to them the lies, the betrayal. So they have pain. Then my brothers, who consider my former spouse their brother have pain, right, I think, neighbors and friends.
There’s a lot of betrayal happening and a lot of grief and a lot of pain, and I think sometimes we think, like the divorce, first of all, the betrayal just affects the husband and wife Lie, it’s not true. It affects so many people, I’m guessing. First of all, it affected our children, it affected neighbors, it affected my family and I have a big family, like lots of aunts and uncles and cousins. They all knew my family. They feel betrayed Now not at the same level as I did, but they still have feelings about it, right. And then there’s his family and there’s neighbors and friends, anyways. So I’m guessing coworkers, right, there’s a lot of people that are affected by betrayal and then divorce, okay.
So sometimes we think, oh, it’s just affecting us. No, that’s not true. So we have to allow other people to feel however they want to feel and however they need to feel, and we can’t get caught up in what they’re doing, what other people are doing. We have to just focus on ourselves and our healing, and that is really hard, right. But there are people that are going to say things that are hurtful and blame, and, of course, for me, my former spouse has a different story of why we got divorced and you know how our marriage ended. We have different viewpoints, we have different ideas and so you know your ex is going to hear one whole side of the story and your family’s going to hear another whole side of the story and they get to choose what they want to believe. If they want to ask the other side, it’s up to them. But just realize it’s messy and so the more you can just focus on yourself, the better.
There is grief. It is just like someone died. I think it’s harder. To be honest, death is really hard because it’s final, but a divorce is just like very similar to death. Right, you have to. Your marriage died, okay, and it’s devastating. And with grief, there is anger and sadness and just a lot of messy right. So we have to just know it’s this loss that you have to feel, you have to mourn. You have to allow other people to do whatever they want.
Now you can say you know what? I don’t want to hear it right, like my sweet dad he sometimes calls my former spouse and I love my dad my dad has had a stroke in 2018. He, of course, totally understands that. My former spouse and I. We got divorced and he got remarried but he still will call him and he wants to talk to him about politics and the stock market and all the things. And the first time I found this out I got really upset and I was like, what do you mean? You’re calling him. But then I realized you know what it’s okay Like if my dad like I love my dad, dad, my dad’s not doing it to hurt me. He really loved my former spouse and I think because of a stroke like right, he just misses him and he wants him to know he loves him still. And so I love my dad for that because, okay, I was not expecting to get emotional about this, but I do. I really appreciate my dad because he does. He still loves my former spouse. He, he still misses him, he still wants that.
Now my mom does not feel that way. I think my mom is just super sad and disappointed, and so I’ve just got to allow her to feel that. I’ve got to allow her to feel whatever she has to feel, and so it is a grief. It’s a grief for your kids, a grief for everyone, for me, for my former mother-in-law. I was very hurt.
I felt betrayed by her as well, because, you know, didn’t get a phone call, or, like I was thinking, if my son did what her son did, I would be calling his wife, checking in on her, right. But what I would do and what she would do are clearly different, and I can’t want her to be me because she’s not me, she’s her, and so I, for myself, I just had to say you know what? I can’t have a relationship with you and I’m sorry but it’s too painful. Now, that was at the beginning. I have gone to dinner with her one time. We’ve almost been divorced for three years. I did decide one time to go to dinner with her and it was fine. It was very superficial, right, like very surfacy, which I think was fine for her, fine for me. But I definitely am not having that deep relationship, right, and that’s sad.
Sad mostly, I think, for her, and I’ve just allowed my kids to have whatever relationship they want with her. My former spouse didn’t really have a big family, so they live in a different state and so it just hasn’t been an issue. But I think if they live in your same state and so it just hasn’t been an issue, but I think if they live in your same state and they live by you. You just have to allow everyone to figure out what they want, what kind of relationship they want. Whether your kids maybe, they still want to go hang out with their grandparents, because those are their grandparents, are always going to be their grandparents, right? So don’t make it about you. Let your kids, like, decide, right, everyone gets to have a decision in this and this takes time. So be really patient and kind and loving to yourself.
With grief, there’s just lots of emotions and so really just focus on how you’re feeling. And if it feels unsafe, like for me, I just had to tell my mother-in-law like I just can’t have a relationship with you. It was too painful because for me, I felt also betrayed by her right In a different way, because I felt like she wasn’t. She was like almost in denial about what her son had done and thought it was totally fine, like great, that’s what all people do, right, they all have affairs and get divorced, and right. But I just thought, well, wait, that doesn’t happen in my family, right, that’s not how I? I don’t agree with that. So it just felt too painful, right, like now time is gone and I’ve done lots more healing so I could go to dinner with her or go to lunch. So I just think you have to make space for all those emotions.
Have a lot of compassion for yourself, right? The second we start judging ourselves, the worse the situation gets, right, like when I started kind of getting mad at my dad, I just was like wait, I have to have compassion for him and compassion for me. And what does that look like? And so I could let go of? It’s okay that he’s calling my former spouse, it’s okay, it’s not dangerous. Nothing’s gone wrong here, it’s totally fine. He’s allowed to do that. He’s an adult. He wants to still keep that door opened, and that’s okay.
I think it’s really important to seek support, get help, because this is tricky stuff, right, and I know, I mean, I’ve heard horror stories of family members, things they’ve done and it’s really hurtful, right, you don’t have to read any text. You don’t have to allow someone in your house if you don’t feel safe, if you don’t feel comfortable, you can just say you know what, it’s not okay. You have to protect you and your kids. If you need to heal for a little bit, you don’t have to invite them anywhere and do anything. You don’t have to buy them a gift anymore if you don’t want to right Like, you get to decide whatever that looks like.
There’s not a right or wrong way in my opinion. Now they might be telling you you’re doing it wrong, but you got to just pay attention, trust yourself, to how you’re navigating it, because it’s painful, and especially I think it’s painful when the betrayed family can’t at least acknowledge what my son or daughter did was really crappy. Just say it right. It’s just nice to hear. It would have been really helpful for me to hear, right. I think it would have been helpful for my kids to hear their grandma just telling them like, yeah, what your dad did was bad, but I don’t think she did, because that would have maybe meant something about her right, she hasn’t done her work, so who knows what she would have thought.
But I just think, if you’re the relative of the person and I get it takes two people in a marriage, but when there’s betrayal that’s one, and so acknowledging it at least, not keeping it hidden under the rug, acknowledging wow, because I know if this ever happens in my life with my own children, I will be calling their spouse, I will be talking to them? I will be. Of course, I’m going to always love my son or daughter that’s besides the point. But I’m also going to love their partner, if they stay married or not, but at least acknowledge that what they did was wrong. How can I help you? How can I support you? How can I be there for you? What do you need? Right, because you’re going to need a lot of help, probably because I’ve been through that right. But these are just some thoughts that I had.
Getting help, don’t isolate yourself. You can change your mind. If you decide like, okay, sure, we can show up at Christmas and Christmas turns out to be terrible that year, you can be like you know what, next year for Christmas we’re not going to go to the in-laws. I just can’t do it. That’s okay. You get to change your mind anytime you want. You have permission to do that. Make sure you’re protecting your safety and security, right, and separating yourself.
It’s important, right, if they are coming over or being hurtful to your kids, or telling your kids like, well, just so you know, your mom was X, y or Z and that’s why your dad had an affair. Well, okay, that’s a lie and that’s gonna be really hurtful for your kids. Okay, that’s a lie and that’s going to be really hurtful for your kids. So just be mindful of that and you can just say, you know, talk to your kids and then talk to them. We have to go to the root of the problem, right, don’t shy away from it. This is your life and your family, okay. So just know this is hard, there’s lots of grief, okay. So just know this is hard, there’s lots of grief, a lot of emotions.
Try to step back, maybe get a different perspective from someone. That’s neutral, right. Unfortunately, with families sometimes, you know, we say things out of hurt or pain that maybe we shouldn’t say sometimes and then that’s really hard to take back. So sometimes families know more than they probably would be healthy to know. But we can’t change what we’ve said, so we just have to maybe acknowledge it, talk about it, have a discussion about it. But you get to decide what kind of relationship and if you end up having to cut off that relationship, you have to grieve it. It’s hard, it’s sad, it is hurtful.
I was devastated when I had to send, but I knew for my mental health and my healing I had to cut off my relationship with my mother-in-law. Now, like a year after that, I went to lunch with her, like I said. So it wasn’t forever, it was just for then. It was just in that moment. It was too painful for me to know that my mother-in-law, the past 26 years it felt like, had meant nothing to her and that she had just moved on to his new wife. And that was hurtful. That was my reality. That might not have been the reality, but that’s how I felt and that caused me a lot of pain, and so I thought I can’t do this.
So make sure you’re setting healthy boundaries, paying attention what you need, what your kids need. Talk to them, ask them what kind of relationship do they want, right, it’s important. And especially if they’re adults, remember they get to decide whatever kind of relationship do they want, right, it’s important. And especially if they’re adults, remember they get to decide whatever kind of relationship they want. Eventually, you know, it may work itself out. Some people are more obnoxious than others. I mean there’s some crazy mother-in-laws out there, right, and father-in-laws and crazy parents, right? We all have our own issues that we’re all navigating. So just decide whatever is best for you, and if you don’t know what you need. You need to get help so you can figure it out. You need to have a neutral party to help you navigate this.
Because it is complicated okay, because there’s lots of different people in the scenario and maybe set some goals, set some, you know, try something, experiment, view it as an experiment. Like, okay, we’re going to try to go to Uncle Fred’s house for Thanksgiving, see if we can handle it right. I mean, I hear stories that the parents are trying to get the couple back together and then they sabotage and, you know, secretly invite everyone over, like, hopefully, if that happens, you know that’s sad. That says something about the people doing it right. It’s not about you. It’s okay.
If you don’t want to be in the same room as your ex, you’re 100% you don’t need to be Until you can have a regulated nervous system, right, it’s going to be really hard to be in the same room as them. Just because you don’t want to be, that doesn’t mean anything’s gone wrong. You’re not broken. You just haven’t healed enough yet and you can eventually get there if you want. But you might not want to, and if someone else doesn’t agree with that, it’s none of their business. So just remember that. So just really have lots of compassion. Make sure you’re going through the grieving process.
Decide today what kind of relationship you want with your in-laws and decide. Okay, maybe I’m gonna rethink this in six months or a year or tomorrow, right, like you get to decide, but just experiment to see what feels most authentic to you, what feels best for you and your kids. Okay, and remember, if your kids are older, let them have a say, because they might wanna still hang out with grandma and grandpa, and that’s okay or their aunts and uncles the more people that can love our kids, the better. But if they’re going over there and they’re hearing all these stories about you’re doing it wrong or something. Maybe have the conversation. Like, I want my kids to come over to your house but we can’t talk about me. That’s just just very immature, okay. So I hope this was helpful.
I’m so grateful that Ashley asked this question. I think we all learned from it. I know I did. I hadn’t thought about this topic before because it hasn’t really affected me in my own divorce situation. I mean, it for sure has, but not to the extent I know that it probably has for her or many other people that have their family living down the street, or every Sunday they go to dinner, or every holiday they’re together. Right, that just wasn’t my experience with my own family. So have a beautiful day. If you like this podcast, please share it with your family and friends and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
