Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen, the podcast where we don’t sugarcoat betrayal, we transform it. If your heart is shattered, your nervous system is buzzing, and your future feels uncertain, you’re in the right place. Here we rebuild identity, confidence, and peace. One brave episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to my podcast. I’m so excited. I have a special guest on, and she is a friend of mine that it’s so interesting because you know that I love Jodie Moore. And Meg and I are in a coaching program together, and I heard her get coached one time, and I was like, I need to talk to this woman. We need to connect, we need to be friends. And it turns out she lives in Texas, which formerly I had connections in Texas. I actually still do because my daughter lives there. But, anyways, so her and I have become now Instagram friends and even have had lunch together. So I’m super excited. She is Meg the Divorce Coach. So she is an expert. She herself has been divorced. So I’m gonna let her introduce herself a little bit and tell us what she wants us to know about her, and then we’ll get into what we’re gonna talk about today.
Hey, Jen. So good to be here today. Um, yeah, I’m Meg, and I call myself Meg the Divorce Coach, and I am a full-time single mom of three teenagers. Um, and I I love it actually. I it’s just been so fun, really, to see their personalities growing and becoming real people instead of just kids has been really so fun. I got divorced about five years ago, and it’s one of those things where you don’t know what you don’t know until afterwards, and you wish that you would have done so many things differently, or wish that you would have known certain things. And so I decided, you know what, this is what I’m gonna help people with. I’m gonna help them as well as just coaching with emotional support. I’m gonna help them also with strategy and making sure that they’re advocated for. And so that’s who I mostly coach is people at some stage of their divorces. And I love it. I really love it. And I have learned how much that I didn’t even realize I know at this point, if that makes sense.
Yes, it totally does. And I think people don’t realize they’re so focused on getting an attorney when they’re getting divorced. But honestly, I think an attorney and a coach are a hundred percent necessary because your divorce is going to be so much more mentally doable. You you just are gonna have such a better experience if your mindset is set in the good direction as opposed to your, especially if you’re not the one that wanted the divorce. And I don’t know, I think it can make divorce go so much smoother. I know I had a I had a coach while getting divorced. I know you had a coach while getting divorced. And so we were obviously proponents of coaching, but I think it really does help and make such a difference. So I love that just like me, with betrayal, that you have chosen something that you’re like, oh, I can help other women. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. So one of the questions we thought about, we want to answer, and I’m gonna ask you, the expert, how do you help people figure out what they want? Because so often even women in general, we struggle with what we want.
Yeah, so this is something that as I’m coaching people, it becomes really apparent very quickly that while we’re talking and you know, depending on what we’re talking about, they don’t have a clue what they want. And usually what’s so fascinating is especially in a really challenging time like in a divorce, when we ask someone, what do you want, we’re gonna answer with the opposite of what we don’t want. Or they’ll actually tell me, Well, I don’t want this and I don’t want that. And if, you know, if we explore a little bit more, and if I, you know, if I point out to them like, okay, so just notice that when I ask you what you want, you only can give me a long list of what you don’t want. And and so if we talk about it again, they don’t have a clue. Yeah. And a lot of times that’s because we were in survival mode for so long, especially as women, and then that’s compounded if you have kids.
Yes.
Whether or not you are a stay-at-home mom, whether you work, your life becomes not your own. Yes, yes, for at least a while, and it takes a lot of intention to flip it back a little bit and actually pay attention to yourself. And so one of the first exercises and kind of pieces of homework that I’ll give to someone when they’re trying to figure out what they want is to just start paying attention to what you like. How about that? Because a lot of times, again, it’s like, okay, well, you know, maybe what’s your what’s your favorite way to spend time by yourself, even? And, you know, and they’re like, well, I mean, I don’t know. Maybe I’m like watching a show with my kids, or we’re, you know, it’s it’s like you don’t, you don’t know. And they’re not by themselves, yeah. Right, right. They’re not by themselves, or if they are by themselves, they’re still doing something for somebody else.
So true. So true.
And so just starting to brainstorm and pay attention, or even if you have friends or people that you’re around, like, what do they like? And maybe I might like that too. Like, let you know, just trying to open yourself up to one, like, it’s okay to like things, yes, and to want things, it’s good. Yes, and two, like, nothing has gone wrong if it’s hard to answer that question at first. Like, we’re we are where we are, and so let’s just start exploring and maybe. Yeah, I don’t know why we’re scared of that.
Why are we scared of exploring? It feels dangerous or something for some reason.
I don’t know. Yeah, I wonder if I think partly it’s because a lot of times in an unhealthy marriage, you know, especially the woman who tends to be the one who’s more, you know, of course there’s exceptions to this. Yes, you know, let’s just say general. Yeah, generally generally, you know, the the woman is the one who might bend a little bit more easily to what other people want, or she’s trying to keep everyone else happy, and so she ignores herself, or even when she says she wants something, it is not met with support from her husband or her partner, and so it’s like, well, I can’t even go and get my hair done without finding a babysitter or it turning into a thing about like, well, this is my free time, and again, I’m yes, overgeneralizing hugely, but it’s common, I think it’s common, it’s common, and it’s something that women come to me and to you, I know, really frequently with. Yeah, yeah. It’s almost being like punished for wanting something, yes, yes, absolutely, absolutely.
It happens all the time, and I think learning what you want can really be such a powerful blessing, especially in divorce. Yes, because you’re now almost reinventing your entire identity. So I think it’s so true. So another thing that I know gets like just ripped to shreds is your confidence in divorce. What are your tips or thoughts on how do we rebuild our confidence?
Yeah, well, I think confidence and self-trust go so hand in hand. And and it has to start with being kind to ourselves and paying attention to ourselves because you can’t trust somebody that you don’t know, and you absolutely don’t have confidence in people that you don’t know or don’t trust. And so it’s kind of this like triad of like self-love and trust and confidence and well, it sounds easy to like, oh, just start, you know, be kind, but it’s so hard.
It’s so hard, especially. I mean, my experience, I’m not sure about yours, but I was given a lot of criticism in my marriage and and I really believed it. Like I believed those thoughts were true. I believed the things that my spouse was saying to me, I like made them true. And then so getting divorced, I’m like, wait, am I that? Is that who I am? And it was really that took some time for me.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I think, I think just noticing when those thoughts come back up or questioning them, and and it it feels like speaking to what you were just saying about especially when a spouse or a partner has these criticisms of you, we think, well, they know me better than anyone else does. And so there they must be right, or at least there must be some truth to it. And it so quickly gets internalized. And darn it, it takes so much more work to get that out and you know, give it away than it does where we immediately take that on as truth.
Yeah, yes. I am yes. So how how do you practice like just having different thoughts or what what’s helpful in rebuilding your confidence? I mean, self-trust, but how do we how do we do that?
Yeah, so I think it starts with again paying attention to yourself and talking to yourself like you matter, even you know, a couple of times a day. Like I was just speaking to a client the other day who is really struggling with some of these things, and she decided, you know, one thing that I really want to do for myself is she has this long, beautiful hair. And she said, I want to start brushing my hair on purpose every day while I’m in the mirror and braiding it to go to bed every night. And so she decided this is the time that I’m gonna talk to myself. And I’m going to, I’m gonna look at myself and I’m gonna tell that girl why I am proud of her. And I’m gonna talk to her about the things that she’s going through that I know her really hard. And I’m just gonna talk to her like she matters and really internalize and and almost, you know, turn your attention inward a little bit rather than focusing it on everyone and everything else.
Yes, I love that because so often it’s like, let’s focus on what other people think of us instead of what we think of us. Yeah. And what we think of us is the only thing that really matters. Right. So it is, it does take practice. I love that she’s practicing that because that’s gonna really change her life.
Yeah. And when, you know, when we start to pay a little bit more attention, we realize that there is so much to love and so much to be proud of. So true. And that in itself is confident building. Yes. Yeah. And you know, and then we can start to, you know, it helps us get to know ourselves. And when we’re paying attention, then we are more able to figure out things that we like or that we want. And it’s all just like one beautiful bubble that’s all tied together.
Yes, I love that. One of the other questions I was thinking about is like, how do I even know who I am? And you kind of mentioned that. It’s like you have to figure that out by doing all these other things.
Yeah, and you have to pay attention to yourself.
Yeah.
Why is it we stop we stop listening?
We stop noticing ourselves. It’s like we turn, I don’t know, 21 or get married, or I don’t, I don’t know. Why do we do that as women?
Well, yeah, a lot of times it’s like that’s selfish to pay too much attention to yourself.
Yeah, yeah. I think selfish, we it’s gotten a bad rap, right? Yeah, it has. Because sometimes it’s a it’s good to be selfish sometimes.
Yes, it is. Yes, yes, it is, and I’m always telling my clients if you’re worried that you’re going to be too selfish, you’re not. Yes. Because people who truly are, you know, on the far end of really self-serving and really like, you know, a reckless selfishness that hurts other people, they’re not worried about being too selfish. Absolutely.
Yeah. I know some of those people in my life for sure. And they weren’t women, they were men.
And they’re probably not worried about it. And so, you know, yeah, they’re not.
It is true. Women, it’s yeah, we focus on what if there’s this too selfish? But it’s like we we think we’ll do everything for everyone else, and then we’re like depleted, have no energy, and we can’t even have the we can’t even think a thought to what do we want.
Yeah.
It’s like we have it backwards, right? Yeah, absolutely. Yes. And so it’s like we got to focus on us first, and then we can have so much more to give everyone else around us.
Yeah. Yeah. And it’s been so interesting, and I’m sure you have the same experience or at least similar, that as you have added more things to your life, yes, instead of, you know, I of course it’s a stay-at-home mom is its own whole thing, you know. But when you add more to it, it just gives back to your kids, even.
Yes. And true.
Yeah. And I love, I love hearing my kids talk about me and about what I do and what they, especially my girls, what they want for their lives. And it’s just, it’s so much richer and broader and more expansive than what felt like it was available to me. Yes.
Yeah. And I don’t think, I mean, I was always raised like you’re you just stay at home. Like that’s what you do. But me, when I first became, had my first baby, I struggled so bad. I was not a great homemaker. I wouldn’t call myself, that wasn’t where I thrived. And I thought something was wrong with me. What’s wrong with me? This is what I’m supposed to feel like. I’m supposed to like love making dinner every night and doing all those like the motherly things. And of course, I loved being a mother, but there was always something missing. But the thing is, I use that against me, like something’s wrong with me. And that makes me sad. But that’s, I think we a lot of us do that. We have this mold that we thought we had to be. And now that we’re discovering, at least for me, with coaching, I know youth with coaching, and you’re a single mom, right? We’re both divorced. I’m not nearly as exhausted as I was when I just was a stay-at-home mom. And I’m doing a lot more. Yeah. I think I feel more energy.
Right, right. And and my experience was a little bit different in that, like, I was a killer stay-at-home mom. I was so good at everything. I am organized and I love to cook. And I, you know, I was so good at all of those things. You thrived in it. I did. And I am thriving even more now that that’s not my only thing. Interesting. You know, because I still am, I still do all those things. I’ve still got the three kids at home, you know, but I am a better mom, a hundred percent. And I I probably would have been a way better mom all along had I even allowed for the possibility of like you can be something else in addition to this great mom. Yes, yeah.
And I yeah, I always think like if I could have had like just a little side hustle, I think I would have thrived more as a mom. Like, I absolutely I think I just it it was just really hard for me to I did it, right? But I was always the PTO president, I was always doing other things because I there was something missing. And anyways, and then of course I didn’t have a supportive husband at all. So he would say he was so supportive, but that’s besides the point. But yeah, I think we have to believe in ourselves and really like know our knowing, right? Know what’s inside of us. Well, I don’t know. I’m hoping this generation’s different. Do you think they are?
Oh, absolutely. Yes, yes, yes. I I totally think it, I think they are smarter than we were. They are so much more emotionally intelligent to and stronger and less, they’re more flexible, I think, in a lot of ways, or like just open to different possibilities that just really did not feel like they were even available to no, and not they’re not so gendered, like nope, right?
This is what women do, this is what men do. Absolutely. I love that because I think men can be good at things that traditionally women are good at, and women can be good at good and better at things that men are traditionally good at. So we shouldn’t keep them gendered, right?
It I don’t think it doesn’t serve any people in the box of like this is what you should be like.
No, no, it’s it’s so unhelpful, and then it makes you those of us that aren’t you know good at certain things, we think, what’s wrong with us? Right, and then it ruins our confidence because right, also not helpful. I I look at Meg and I’m like, look how amazing Megan is doing, and what’s wrong with me, right? And then we go into comparison, which isn’t good, and right, yeah, okay. Well, I love this so much. So I know this is a big question that I get asked, and you get asked, what’s some advice if you’re deciding do I stay married, do I get divorced? What are your thoughts on that?
Yeah. So a couple things come to mind probably right away. One is what do you think is gonna be different if you leave your marriage? You know, because most people aren’t deciding, like, okay, I’ve made the decision to get divorced, but maybe I actually shouldn’t and I should go back that way. You know, we’re all coming to it, at least it has been my experience with the people that. Coach, they’re married and they’re deciding do I want to stay married or do I want to get divorced? You know, and so we really want to explore and think about what do you think is gonna be different if you get divorced? Yeah. And really explore like, are those things even real or true? Or, you know, why do we think that this is all of a sudden gonna be so much better or different? Or, you know, the idea that changing a circumstance isn’t going to just magically make everything easier, it’s certainly not gonna make you happier, you know, almost all the time. Now, like again, if there is a situation with abuse, certainly changing that circumstance is going to make it easier for you to love yourself and to protect yourself and protect your kids, you know, in every way, not just physically, certainly, you know. Yeah. And so I guess that leads me into my next question of like, should you stay or should you go? Is the question of does me being in this marriage make it too hard to love myself?
I love that question. Yeah.
And why? Like, let’s take a look at that again and really just kind of see what’s going on.
Yeah.
And, you know, often there is some type of abuse. And and then, you know, it’s like, okay, we’re getting a little bit more clear. And do we think, you know, it’s it’s it’s kind of coming to the realization of this is what your marriage is. And if this is what it is, are we willing to stay even if nothing ever changes? Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Cause people always, I mean, of course, we all think we can change our spouse, right? It’s like, oh, surely. I mean, I thought that for years. I’m like, oh, I can fix it. If I’m different, then he’ll be different or whatever. And sometimes that happens, but in general, that doesn’t always happen. But yeah, if if nothing changes, are you gonna be okay? I like that. I love those two questions because I think sometimes we don’t we don’t go inside ourselves, we point outside, right?
We like Well, it’ll be better if you do this, or if if if he just stops this, or if she just starts doing this, then then everything will be better. And and one thing I tell clients so many times, and it’s something that I really truly believe, is that people show us who they are, and it’s good judgment to believe them.
Yes, yes, yes. And somehow, for whatever reason, they need to show us lots of times before we believe them.
Right.
Many times. I don’t know, at least for me. I took a lot. Yeah, it’s it’s like this.
Yeah, it is it is. Yeah, and it’s so it’s so hard on both ends. You know, when you’ve had a certain set of really harmful interactions, you know, it’s really hard to believe either in someone’s goodness, yes, or like that someone really is changing. That’s really hard to believe, too, as well as you know, when people are showing us time and again that they aren’t willing to do anything different, or that it is really good judgment not to trust what they say. Yes, that’s really hard to believe, also.
So true, so true. And I always think I mean, marriage is hard and divorce is hard, and it’s almost like you have to choose which hard you’re willing to do because they are both gonna be hard. But ultimately, I think just like you said, one place will be easier to love yourself. And yeah, for sure, divorce. I love myself so much more now than when I was married.
Yeah, yeah.
Do you feel the same way?
Yes, I absolutely did. I do. And and I’m getting I’m getting to know myself in a different way that I never did before. And you know, of course, it’s a complicated, yes, very complicated, so complicated for why that is, or you know, like trying to figure out all the things. And I’m certainly not blaming it on any one person or circumstance or whatever, but for me and for everyone in the story, yeah, this was the healthiest choice. Yes, yeah all of us.
Yes, yeah, yeah. I love that. I love that you can see that. So, Meg, how do people get a hold of you? And of course, we’ll put it all in the show notes, but just tell us how, if someone wants to work with you, how can they work with you?
Yeah, so my it’s I’m on all the places Instagram, Facebook, TikTok. My website is Meg the Divorce Coach. Okay. Um e G.
M E G.
Yep. Okay, Meg the Divorce Coach, yeah. Um, right. And I I also do have a podcast too. Um all comes up if you search for Meg the Divorce Coach.
Perfect.
And yeah, Tuesdays are my consult days, and so those are the days that I coach people for free.
Okay. And so you can sign up for a free coaching call. And then and then are you a private coach? Is that I am. Okay.
Yes, yes. I’m a private coach. And if you if you sign up for my email list, I’ve got some freebies, and that will direct you to sign up for my email list as well. Okay. In different, you know, in different places on all all the platforms. Okay. But I also do do a monthly webinar. Oh, cool. Okay. So, and that’s that’s just for my email list. Awesome. Yeah, that’s every it’s the first Wednesday of every month. And so that’s next Wednesday is the first Wednesday. And so we’re gonna be talking about how to not care what people think. Oh, that’s a good one.
That’s a good one. Okay, I’ll put it in my show notes, all the links. And so I’m not sure what date this is coming out, but I’ll make sure your webinar is in there. Yeah, and I think, yeah, if you’re listening to this, I’m also gonna post this on YouTube, but Meg’s beautiful inside and out. And so she’s awesome. Thank you. So you are, you are, it’s true. Anyways, all right. Well, thanks everyone for listening. If you liked this podcast, please share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. If this episode helped you breathe deeper or see your next step more clearly, share it with someone who needs it. And when you’re ready for real support in your healing, you know where to find me. At lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N. Your happily even after is possible. And it starts today.
