Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen, the podcast where we don’t sugarcoat betrayal, we transform it. If your heart is shattered, your nervous system is buzzing, and your future feels uncertain, you’re in the right place. Here we rebuild identity, confidence, and peace. One brave episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Today I’m going to talk about how betrayal and divorce create a unique kind of grief. I’ve experienced this, I’ve experienced lots of grief in my life. But the problem is with divorce, it’s the person you loved is still alive and walking around, possibly co-parenting with you, texting you, and existing in the world. But the version that you were married to, once married to, once loved, once knew is now gone. And the healing is important to do because we have to hold the love that we had, the grief, but also all the anger and sometimes relief and longing and reclaiming ourselves and empowering ourselves all at the same time. And I think it’s just a bit more complicated. 12 years ago, actually, tomorrow, my brother passed away. And that was devastating grief because it was a surprise. Like he wasn’t sick, he suddenly died. And so that death and grief experience was so much different and very similar to when I got divorced and the multiple times that I found out my spouse was having an affair. And so it is complicated. And so don’t think like, what’s wrong with you? Nothing’s wrong with you. This is a process and it doesn’t happen quickly. It happens intentionally. And I’m going to talk about that today. So I think grief coming from divorce and betrayal is very confusing. It can be disorienting and lonely because when your spouse dies, people love to share memories and they support you. They get that you’re, you know, very sad. But somehow when you experience betrayal and divorce, even though you’re grieving, like no one wants to talk to you about it. And also it’s kind of painful to feel like all those memories. It’s like, were they real? Were they fake? What’s true? Like people aren’t bringing you casseroles, and it’s not as public as it is when your spouse dies. It’s just different. People expect you to move on because the person is still alive. It’s like, you know, you shouldn’t be this sad. But the reality is what also dies with when you get divorced or have experienced betrayal is your marriage, the future, your identity, and the safety that you felt also died. And those things are very take a lot of work to move through, to accept the future you imagined, right? And the version of you that you believed, and the version of your spouse that you believed in, like it is no longer. And so it just takes a lot of work to accept your reality. You think it would be easy to accept our reality, but that’s like one of the hardest things I’ve experienced, as well as I know many of my clients experience, is the reality of what just happened. And I think why this kind of grief feels so intense and confusing, it there’s no closure in it, oftentimes, right? Like it’s it is very confusing. Many times your spouse that had an affair and you end up getting divorced, there’s a lot of gaslighting and manipulation and blaming and just a lot of pain. And so it just feels very, very layered, very hard. You’re attached to this person, like your nervous system, right? It’s like you’re used to this person sleeping next to you in bed and calling them on the phone. And if there’s something good or bad happening in your life, they were your person, right? And so I know for me, like I really struggle. Luckily, my brother, I have another brother. I have three brothers actually. One passed away, but I have two that are living. And my mom and my kids, like I had friends that I could call and vent to them or talk to them and share with them good news or bad news because it’s like when your person is gone, but yet they’re still like, you know, a few miles away from you living a different life. It it just is confusing. Your identity, right? Like I’ve said before, like I don’t identify as divorced, but I mean, I am divorced and I’m single and I’m not a wife anymore. And so that part of me, that identity, the role that I had of being those things, all my dreams shifted. Who I was has had to shift. Now, I’m not saying that’s a negative, but it is just a process. Right. And then you are left with all this trauma, a lot of betrayal trauma. And so that is layered on top of the grief that you’re already trying to feel and deal with. So your body is really wreaking havoc, right? Because your body holds all those emotions, your nervous system, all the trauma is inside of you. And you need to figure out how to let that go. And I think for many people that have younger kids, then they every time they have to see them or, you know, swap the kids in a co-parenting role, it can be re-triggering. And so it does take a lot of work and mental energy to heal. If someone dies, I think the world understands that you’re grieving, but it’s not as clear-cut when you get divorced. People have different opinions, right? Whether you should have stayed or should have gone. And so they layer all their opinions on that. Most people believe when someone dies, of course you’re gonna be sad. Of course, that’s devastating, right? I would say majority of people have experienced a loss in their life. And if they haven’t, they will because death is 100% guaranteed. However, betrayal and divorce are more nuanced, and not everyone experiences them. And people love to give their opinion on matters they haven’t experienced, and that gets complicated. So I really want you to understand the grief that it is very layered. You’re mourning the relationship, the future you, the future you envisioned, your shared life together, your sense of self and who you are, your ability to trust yourself as well as others. I think the pain of betrayal is very unique. It shatters your safety, it shatters your self-worth, maybe your belief in love. Is love even real? Is it even possible? And so it is very complicated and layered. And I think we often go into denial or feel angry. Part of grief, a stage of grief is bargaining, right? Like I totally did that. And some depression and acceptance. But then it might repeat. It’s not like you go through the stages of grief and then you’re like, oh, I’m done. I’m done grieving, right? It could be a process that takes time and intentionality and awareness. And it I feel like grief, it’s like wave, a wave, right? Sometimes it’s more intense and sometimes it’s less, but it can come at you at random moments in your life, and you’re like, oh, I didn’t know that I still had any tears to cry, any tears left to cry. And something, a memory will pop up, or a feeling will come. And so just know that that’s normal. That’s part of it. I think there’s such a contradiction between loving someone and letting them go. I know for me, I really had to very intentionally work on this because I was driving myself crazy. I loved my life, I loved my kids. I thought I loved my husband, but yet he was doing all these terrible things. Like when I would tell people what I was living with and experiencing, they’re like, wait, what? And so I had to really focus on myself and what I was worthy of. Like I was worthy of someone that actually like loved me and told me the truth and wasn’t emotionally abusive. But reality is we oftentimes we still love someone sometimes that hurt us. And that’s okay. Like holding space and not judging yourself. So many of us like judgment. I always tell people, like, if you shame and judgment keep you stuck. And so if you want to move through grief, you have to let go of judgment and have so much compassion and love for yourself as well for as anyone else in the story, but for sure yourself. And I think love doesn’t mean you have any access to me. I had to really focus on boundaries. Boundaries are so important. People think boundaries are mean and they’re not nice and they’re not helpful, but they’re the most loving thing you can do for yourself. And sometimes you can still love someone and not reconcile with them. I think I talked about that a few weeks ago. And it is so true. And love doesn’t mean you have to abandon yourself. It’s complete opposite. Like you have to love you more than anyone else. And that’s not selfish. That’s just like the way our bodies are designed. We have to have just as much love for ourselves as we do other people. Just know you can miss them and know that you can’t be with them. Many times people are like, I feel so much relief. And then they feel bad about feeling relief that they’re out of their marriage. But that’s normal, right? Yeah, you can still be sad, but have so much relief that, okay, this is over. I totally felt that way. Like have so much relief. Like, uh, I finally feel safe and I finally feel like I can heal. We can have anger and compassion, right? Yes, we’re angry and we can have compassion for ourselves and for them, wanting them to heal and choosing yourself. I mean, if I could wish that someone would heal, it would be my former spouse. And he would say, Oh, I’m totally healed, right? Like he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t think he was unhealed. But we wish the people that we love could heal and could change, but we can’t, we can think it and hope it, but we can’t get him to do it. And so we have to focus on, okay, what are we gonna do? Are we gonna choose us? Which is the best choice. So just know two things can be true at the same time. I love them deeply, and staying with them as they are was destroying me. And coming to that realization can be very powerful for someone. And so, yes, you can leave and love. The next thing is the cost of avoiding grief. So many of us like to avoid grief because we think it’s too painful. And I did this with my brother’s death for a very long time. I thought if I cry, I’m never gonna be able to stop. And that’s just not true. I was listening to a podcast the other day, Dr. David Kessler, he’s a grief expert, and he said, You will stop crying, which I resonated with me because I really believed like, I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying. I’m so sad. And so what did I do instead? I didn’t cry at all. I just suppressed all my emotions, which for sure didn’t help me, didn’t help my marriage, didn’t help me with my kids, didn’t help me accept his death. And so it caused me a lot of undue pain. But that’s okay. Like that’s what I did, and now I know that something different and better is available. So when we avoid or minimize our grief, a lot of people they stay super busy. It’s totally one of my coping mechanisms is to stay busy. Many people, they get divorced, they’ve been married in a long time, they get divorced and they rush into a new relationship. I’m just gonna tell you recipe for disaster. It will not end well. It will not go well. You may stay married, but it will not be very happy. It’s going to be miserable. We overfunction. I totally do this with my kids, working on not doing that, but like overfunctioning, helping them, right? It’s like, no, they can do it. They’re adults, they can figure it out. Minimizing saying things like, well, it wasn’t that bad. It was bad. It was. Just accept it. It was bad. A lot of people use religion to make themselves feel better. And everything happens for a reason. I mean, maybe, but in the thick of grief, hearing this is like nails on a chalkboard, right? It’s like, what reason do you think God intended for my spouse to have an affair and then walk away from their family? Right. I don’t think that was in the plan. It was just their agency. They chose that, and now we get to deal with the consequences, and it’s very painful. And so telling yourself that now eventually for me, I can see so much value in the experiences that I went through, things that I learned. And this is the way I had to learn them because I can’t change my past. So I can accept them and find good and move on into my future. But for me, it’s like, no, I don’t think God intends people to meet their soulmate while they’re married, right? Their soulmate to someone else while they’re married. That’s not how God works. And so sometimes we can like gaslight and cause ourselves a lot more pain when we layer on, you know, everything happens for a reason. I think when we avoid our emotions of grief, people can get chronic anxiety. They become emotionally numb, which is totally what I did. I was totally emotionally numb, unknowingly, but now I totally know I just shut all emotions off. You can have lots of physical symptoms, repeated relationship patterns. The amount of people that get on a free call with me are maybe in their second or third marriage, and they’re like they kind of gloss over the fact that they’ve been married before, but then it always comes out, and it’s like either they cheated in their first marriage, and now their spouse is cheating on them, or their first marriage ended from betrayal, and now their second marriage is ending from betrayal. It happens often, and so I think it’s because they never healed from the first marriage, they didn’t heal those wounds. It’s important to do. A lot of people, when they shove their grief down, they become very explosive, angry, and they just react all the time. If you know these people, and it’s very scary, but it’s because they haven’t processed any of their grief, and that grief is desperately trying to come out, and it’s coming out through very harmful ways. So just remember grief doesn’t disappear when we avoid it, it just waits for the time when you’re ready. And Dr. Kessler, that I was talking to you about before, he was saying people, when they’re like a loved one dies, it sometimes takes five years for someone to seek help. But in divorce, I think divorce and betrayal, I think people get help sooner. For me, I tried to get help. Now the help in the 90s and early 2000s was terrible help. And so I’m really grateful now in 2026 that the help is so much better. So people are getting help quicker, I think, and realizing like, okay, this is something that we can’t just sweep under the rug. And there’s just a lot more knowledge and information out there with social media. And so I think that’s so great. Like, people aren’t waiting so long to get help. So, how to hold space for yourself and for maybe other people that are experiencing grief is you don’t have to solve it, right? It’s not a problem to solve. It just needs to be something to feel, right? And a feeling, remember, only lasts 60 to 90 seconds inside of our body. Now it might happen a lot during the day. We just have to be like, oh wow, I feel really sad right now. And just hold space for that sadness or whatever feeling you’re feeling. It’s kind of like it’s just a wave. Remember, it’s like a wave. A wave goes out and then comes back in. Sometimes it’s more intense than other times. I think having a protocol or a container where, okay, I’m going to every night at eight o’clock sit in my closet and cry. I’m gonna write in my journal. I’m gonna write letters to people that I’m never gonna send, but I have to get this out. I have to get all these ugly feelings out. Having moments where you speak the truth out loud, speak the unspeakable. So many people, it’s really hard. Shame keeps us wanting to hide, and it’s really hard to speak the unspeakable, and it’s important to do so. And finding things that go walking, exercise, we need to release all those emotions out of our body. Do we Breath work is such a good way to release all those feelings and emotions. And it’s great because you don’t have to talk. So if you don’t want to talk about it, you can breathe your way through it. But just because you loved someone doesn’t mean they need access to you. Right. You can have very strict boundaries. So you’re not reopening your wounds as you’re trying to heal. And making sure that as you heal, knowing like, okay, I will get better eventually. I will, this will dissipate. But grief may never go away, right? But you’ll be able to handle it. Your nervous system, as you heal, you’ll be able to deal with it and it won’t be so heavy. I really think deciding, like, because most of us have lost ourselves in our marriage and figuring out who you are, what you want, what you will accept in a new relationship, and what you won’t is very important. And the last thing, some strategies. I talked about doing a protocol, right? Journaling, talking, getting support. This isn’t something that you can do on your own. People try all the time, but it’s going to take so much longer and be so much less effective if you don’t have the right tools. You have to have the right tools. You might have a few of them, but you need a lot more in order to process grief and divorce and betrayal out of your body and become the person that you want to be. And we need to be realistic about how long this takes. Don’t give yourself a timeline, a length of time, right? Just know, like every little step you take towards healing, you are more healed. Just remember, just because you’re grieving doesn’t mean you can’t learn to love yourself. You can’t hold space for both to be true. I think you have to love yourself through grief. You can’t hate yourself through it. Hate will keep you stuck, but self-love and compassion will be able to move you through the grief and keep you present and knowing what you need. You’re very aware of your needs and making sure you’re meeting your needs. You need to cry. You can’t judge yourself. Like, why am I still crying? That was me. It was like I was judging myself before I even allowed myself to cry. And instead, I just needed to cry and get it out. That’s how our body releases sadness. And a lot of these emotions is through crying. There isn’t a deadline, right? It’s not like, okay, so after divorce, you have one and a half years to get over it. And then layer on betrayal, and I’m gonna say just don’t give yourself a timeline. Just say this is what I’m doing and I’m working on it. Making sure that you’re really paying attention to your body. Make sure you say no when your body’s telling you to say no. Don’t say yes when you really mean no. That’s going to stop the grief process. And realize it’s okay to be happy sometimes, even when you’re grieving. Think people are like, I have to be sad 24-7. No, you can have moments of joy in your sadness. And another thing Dr. Kessler said was when you’ve had so much grief in your life, if you’ve, you know, done really hard things, which I’m gonna put betrayal and divorce in that category, you have more space to have so much joy. Because when you have been to the depths of hell, you can have so much more happiness and joy because you have felt the extremes. And I think that’s so true. I’ve experienced that in my own life. As you’re rebuilding, make sure you always hold space for the pain of what happened in your past, but just know like your future is bright and possible, and you don’t have to carry that heaviness with you always. You don’t heal after grief. You have to heal through it by staying consistent, staying on top of it. I call it the river of misery, right? A river of misery, we have to be moving constantly through it to get to the other side. Some of us just get stuck like on a rock or a branch, right? And we kind of stay there. So we have to make sure we’re constantly moving. That’s how you heal with grief. Healing will lead you to freedom. And it’s a journey, it’s a process. Just remember this. There’s nothing wrong with you. Of course, you feel grief. Of course, you’ve lost a life that you imagined, a spouse that you may love still. And just give yourself permission to feel all of it. You aren’t weak, you are grieving a life that you thought you would have. And you won’t always feel this way, I promise. You are learning how to carry love differently. So just remind yourself: grief does not mean that you failed. It means you loved. And that’s what I love so much. People are get so mad at themselves. Like, why am I sad about this person? It’s like, because you loved them. And it’s okay that you loved them, even though they betrayed you and they lied to you and did all those things to you. It’s okay. Of course you loved them. But choosing yourself is the greatest gift that you can give yourself and the bravest thing that you will ever do. So I hope that if you are in this position, if you’re considering divorce, if you’ve been betrayed, if you’re wondering, is it possible to ever get through this pain? The answer is yes. But you have to move through it. You have to acknowledge the feelings and you have to feel them. And I hope you reach out and get support, whether it’s from me or someone else. You need that additional support in order to help you and guide you and teach you the tools to get through this grief. Thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening. If this episode helped you breathe deeper or see your next step more clearly, share it with someone who needs it. And when you’re ready for real support in your healing, you know where to find me. At lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N. Your happily even after is possible. And it starts today.
