Healing from Abandonment Trauma and Rebuilding Relationships

Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Okay, we have another heavy hitter here.

 

I’m going to talk about abandonment and the reason why, and it kind of I mean a little bit of attachment theory, right, a lot of abandonment in betrayal and especially if you get divorced, a lot of people feel like their spouse abandoned them. So I get it. I have felt this feeling. I’m going to call it a feeling as well, as I guess it’s also an action, right? An abandonment is the act of leaving someone or something behind or ending something. It can also refer to the emotional state of feeling left behind, insecure or undesired. I think the feeling is much more prevalent in an affair and betrayal. So if you feel this way, if you say this, I get it. And also I’m going to say abandonment can be very traumatic. It’s a form of trauma. It’s an emotional response to being neglected or emotionally or physically abandoned. Okay, so it is real, like feeling abandoned is a real feeling, a real emotion. I don’t want you to resist it or avoid it. I want you to feel it. I want you to acknowledge it’s there. You don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed for feeling abandoned. I get it, especially in divorce, in betrayal. They didn’t choose me, they chose someone else, right, so it is a real feeling.

 

However, if you are an adult listening to this, just know the person that you need to focus on abandoning is yourself. Right, don’t abandon yourself. This is how you do the work. How you heal okay, because someone yes, if you had a caregiver that, like left you do the work. How you heal okay, because someone yes, if you had a caregiver that, like left you on the side of the road and didn’t ever come back, that’s a different something and that needs to be healed and dealt with and experienced. Okay, that’s very traumatic, but as an adult, no one can really abandon you. Okay, I just want you to consider if that’s true and also how you talk to your kids.

 

Right, I know my children feel abandoned, I’ve said. When my spouse left, he literally took his clothes and walked out the door after 26 years of marriage and four kids, and that felt very hurtful. I felt like he walked out on us and left his entire life, his past life, behind and completely started a new life with this other girl. So we like to dramatize our lives and our experiences. Right, we like to make our point Okay, that thought, that experience served me for a while. And now does it question does it serve you anymore now? Is it still helpful to think that thought? For me, no, it is not helpful. It is not moving me forward. I have a lot of clients that they feel abandoned and I get it, I totally. I just want you to know it’s okay that you feel that way, but you don’t have to feel that way forever and you don’t have to label yourself that you’re abandoned, okay.

 

So some signs that you have abandonment issues Now, because the thing is why we need to recognize this. It might cause problems in your life, in your future, in your present right. How are you showing up today? How is it going to affect future relationships? I find so many people. They just rush into getting remarried because they have so much fear of being alone. Then they never deal with their issues, and abandonment is a huge issue, especially in divorce, especially in betrayal. So it’s something to heal before you jump into something else.

 

Abandonment can present in many ways right. There’s not just like, oh, if you’ve been abandoned, this is what you do or don’t do, right. No, there’s lots of different things that can happen and people have from their past, maybe their childhood, okay. So I’m just going to talk about 11 of them. The first one is emotional instability and insecurity. So something that abandonment can cause abandonment trauma is emotional instability.

 

Individuals who have experienced abandonment often struggle with intense and fluctuating emotions. They live with a constant sense of insecurity, fearing that those they care about will leave. This fear can result in an anxiety disorder, particularly in relationships, as they worry about rejection or abandonment. Even minor changes in others’ behaviors may be interpreted as a threat, making them overly sensitive to perceived slights. So if you find yourself experiencing any of those things, if you feel very emotionally unstable, very insecure in all your relationships, just pay attention okay, awareness is your friend and explore and ask yourself questions. Is this true? That’s why having a coach or a therapist is so helpful is because you can work through these things so it doesn’t have to take you and affect your whole life. Okay, because especially in betrayal and divorce, these things are real and notice it for your kids. I can already read some of these. The things I want to talk about that I’ve been studying are definitely how my kids, how it has affected them.

 

Fear of intimacy and commitment, abandonment trauma frequently leads to difficulties in forming close, intimate relationships. Now, you may not experience this until you decide, okay, I want to start dating. And then it comes up. That’s why I really like new experiences, because things trigger you and you’re like, oh, I didn’t know, I still had that to deal with. And well, now you do know, and so then you can work on that. Okay, we always are constantly growing and learning and doing.

 

Fear of being hurt or left again often causes individuals to avoid deep emotional connections. This avoidance may manifest as a reluctance to commit to long-term relationships. We all know people that just can’t commit. Right, it seems to be a problem. I don’t want to label it as a problem, it just seems to be going on a lot. You know, on social media, so many people like in their 30s. They talk like commitment. I’ve been dating this guy for five years and I want to get married like there just seems to be a lot of commitment issues, and maybe some of it comes from this abandonment.

 

In some cases, self-sabotaging behaviors such as pushing partners away or prematurely ending relationships serve as a protective mechanism. Others may move quickly from one relationship to another to avoid confronting feelings of vulnerability or rejection. So I think abandonment issues cause a lot of problems in our society these days. There’s a lot of unhealed wounds, unhealed traumas that we haven’t acknowledged and we just call them something else or think, oh, that’s just the way I am, but if we could dig a little deeper? Right, anytime these things come up, I always think okay, that’s protecting you from something that’s a little deeper inside of you.

 

The third one clinginess and dependency. Conversely, abandonment trauma can also result in clinginess and dependency. That’s a hard word to say. Those affected may feel an overwhelming need for constant reassurance and validation from their partners or friends. This dependency often stems from a fear that, without frequent contact or affirmation, they will be abandoned again. Such behaviors may include excessive demands for attention, reluctance to spend time alone and difficulty tolerating separations. So if this is something that you are like, oh, that’s kind of me. Just pay attention and decide okay, you’ve really got to work through like are you going to be abandoned? No, you’re not. And work through asking yourself questions, figuring out what inside of you, where is this coming from? And then you can totally heal from all of this.

 

Number four low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness. Low self-esteem is common consequence of abandonment. Trauma, right, like, oh, they left me. I must not have been good enough. Like so many people were. Like, I just must not have been good enough. That’s why they left me. And I just think that is ridiculous. Right, yes, you were good enough, but you weren’t good enough for someone to have a side chick or a side guy on the you know. No, they were not good enough for you. But our society, we have so many of these stories that we tell ourselves like, oh, they must not have left, I must not have been a good enough wife. No, you were the perfect wife, you were the perfect mom, you were the perfect daughter, you’re the perfect friend. It was their issue why they left. It was not about you. The second you start making it about you, it just isn’t about you. This is about them. What caused them to do this right? And we may never know the answer, and that’s okay to do this right and we may never know the answer, and that’s okay. But this moment you start putting it on you, that is going to be a problem, right, and it is going to cause a low self-esteem. If you don’t think you’re good enough, just want you to believe you are good enough. You are worthy.

 

Many individuals internalize their experiences, blaming themselves for the abandonment and believing they are unworthy of love or care. This negative self-perception can lead to chronic feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt, which may affect their personal and professional lives. Abandonment trauma often leaves individuals questioning their own value, contributing to ongoing struggles with relationships, careers and self-image. So if you struggle with self-esteem, I just want you to know you can get your confidence back. It’s going to take work, it’s going to take practice, but that is your job to do right, and the more you do that, the more aware you’ll be like the affair was not about you. That that is something I want our society to stop blaming the person that was betrayed and it was the betrayer. It wasn’t even the other woman or the other man. It was the betrayer. It was their issues why they did what they did. And yes, it hurt you and yes it was harmful, but don’t let it ruin your life. Don’t become the victim of their bad behavior and poor choices. Trust issues this is a big one too.

 

Being let down by a critical figure can lead to difficulty trusting others. For people with abandonment trauma. Okay, just know, we all have it right, we all have some abandonment issues. I think we all have experience, whether a friend stopped talking to us, a boyfriend in the eighth grade broke up with us, or our mom forgot us at the store or whatever like right. There’s lots of ways we could feel abandoned in our life. Our dad left our family, our mom left our family, a teacher left I mean, there’s just so many issues. But the trust that’s an important one. Okay, survivors may feel suspicious of people’s intentions, constantly fearing betrayal or deception. Intentions constantly fearing betrayal or deception. That’s why healing is so important, because if you are unhealed and try to get in a relationship, it’s going to be really hard to trust someone. The person you have to learn to trust is yourself. This mistrust can make it challenging to open up and build meaningful relationships, often leading to emotional isolation. So if you’re listening to this and you’re like this is really affecting my life, there is help. You can totally get help for feeling abandoned.

 

Number six unhealthy or unstable relationship patterns. Those with abandonment trauma often find themselves in relationships that mirror the dynamics of their original abandonment. So, whether it was your family, old boyfriend, okay, for example, they may unconsciously choose partners who are emotionally unavailable or prone to leaving, perpetuating a cycle of pain and reinforcing feelings of unworthiness due to low self-esteem. These patterns can be difficult to recognize, but are vital to breaking free from the trauma’s grip. So if you recognize like oh, I always date someone that is like this, you need to get help. You need to figure this out so you can stop the cycle.

 

Number seven emotional numbness and detachment. In an attempt to protect ourselves from further pain, individuals with abandonment trauma may shut down emotionally and realize, like this is happening in your nervous system, inside your body, okay, where all your emotions are stored. So your nervous system is going to go to freeze, right? That’s what emotional numbness is You’re unable to feel and we’re going to detach, meaning we’re living our life, yet we’re not totally consciously there. If you’ve experienced this, I have totally experienced a lot of my life, emotionally detached and numb, which is really sad to me, but awareness helped me not be that way anymore. But just know it’s protecting you. Your body is protecting you because what you experienced was so painful, but this makes it difficult to form meaningful connections. Burying their emotional needs feels as though it protects them from repeated patterns of abuse and interpersonal relationships. Right, so we’re doing this. Our body, our nervous system is doing this to protect us. However, we’re not going to be able to have a good connected relationship and, especially in betrayal, it causes us to go inward and freeze many times Chronic feelings of loneliness, despite being surrounded by people.

 

Many individuals with abandonment trauma experience pervasive loneliness. The deep-seated fear of potential abandonment can make it hard for them to feel truly connected to others, leaving social interactions feeling superficial and unsatisfying. Number nine hypervigilance All these things I think if you have experienced betrayal, I feel like I’m reading all of them and I’ve experienced all of them in some form or another. That’s why it’s important to heal and acknowledge that the person that you definitely can’t abandon is yourself. Okay, hypervigilance is another common sign of abandonment wound. Those affected may constantly monitor their environment and relationships for potential signs of abandonment. This heightened alertness can be exhausting and lead to chronic stress and emotional pain as they remain on guard for their next perceived rejection or loss. And I find this a lot in when someone is trying to repair their marriage and they’re constantly looking at their spouse’s phone for a text message when they’re at, are they telling the truth? Hypervigilance is exhausting, but it’s our brain, it’s our body, trying to protect us from the perceived danger of our spouse having another affair.

 

Number 10, unhealthy coping mechanisms. To manage their overwhelming emotions and fears, individuals with abandonment trauma may adopt maladaptive coping strategies. These can include substance abuse, overeating or engaging in other addictive behaviors to numb the pain or distract themselves from abandonment anxiety. Unfortunately, these behaviors often exacerbate underlying issues. I see this all the time. I myself used food. That was how I buffered a lot, right, I think there’s other things I did, but food was my source, which was hard, because it’s like my spouse was so fixated on what I looked like that it was a huge issue, right. So I would eat to try to feel better and then he would say other really harmful, mean things to me about me eating that and my weight. But a lot of people drink alcohol, right, I call them buffers. People do lots of things and I get it. It’s like it’s so painful. They’re going to look at porn or smoke pot or spend lots of money on credit cards, go shopping, gambling, like there’s lots of ways to buffer our way. So it gives us that dopamine and helps us feel a little better, yet it causes us so many other problems. Okay, the last one.

 

11. Struggle with finding meaning to life. Many survivors of abandonment trauma wrestle with questions of purpose, of the purpose of life. This struggle is sometimes expressed as loss of faith or spirituality or a sense of existential doubt. They may find it challenging to create a sense of fulfillment, often asking what’s the point of all of this? And I really see this in my kids. Our family, I would say, was very religious, went to church every Sunday, did all the things, yet many of them have decided God isn’t real. Why would God do this to my family? Why would these people at church that said you know, do the right thing, choose the right. Yet when we’re in a moment of crisis, they felt like had turned their backs on my children, on our family. Right, that is very painful.

 

I think a lot of people that have really hard things in their life that are completely out of their control, like betrayal or divorce, especially for kids. They feel abandoned, and it’s just not abandoned by their parents, but also maybe their church group, their religion, their God, and so there’s lots of layers to this, their God, right, and so there’s lots of layers to this. So I don’t want you to think, oh, this is something easy. But if you are feeling this way and if you’ve experienced betrayal I’m guessing one of these 11 things that I talked about resonated with you, and maybe three or four of them did they’re just important to acknowledge and then work through and decide do I want to believe that anymore? How can I heal this part of me that feels abandoned in this area? Right, because it’s totally possible to heal and to repair and to not feel that way anymore. You don’t have to feel abandoned. It’s not this curse that’s on you. I hope this was helpful.

 

I know this is hard stuff. It is painful, it’s hurtful when someone does something to you that feels so violating and just like breaks the covenants that they’ve made with you and the promises and they do something that is not what you agreed on. It is painful, I get it. However, let’s decide that we don’t have to. We can feel that pain and then move forward and create a different outcome. I just think sometimes we think our story is one way, and what if you’re wrong about that? What if your new story is even better than your last story? I think that’s totally possible. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. If you’ve ever been interested in having a coach, reach out. I would love to be your coach and help you through all these challenging things that betrayal, divorce, anything, kids, life happens. Have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily, even after, sign up for my email at hello. Have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week.