Welcome to my podcast Happily, even After I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today, we begin to help you live happily even after, hey, friends. So today I’m going to talk about our identity versus our roles and I think a lot of us get these mixed up and I’m going to share with you why I think that’s unhelpful and hurtful. And it’s important for you to understand your identity and your roles because, for sure, after you’ve experienced betrayal your whole life, it’s like you’re in a you know, I always think I’m like pushed underwater, or you’re in a fog and you don’t even know who you are anymore, and because your life as you knew it got flipped upside down. And so I just want to explain to you what I think or what an identity is, which is who you are at your core, your worth, your values, your essence, as our identity and our roles are what we do. We’re a spouse, we’re a parent, we’re an employee, we’re a volunteer podcaster, a coach, right. And so I think it’s just really important to recognize that betrayal sometimes confuses our roles with identity, and I think it matters with identity. And I think it matters because someone’s going to ask you who are you, do you answer I’m a life coach, I’m a mom, I’m a dad, I am a sister, I’m a brother right, that’s not who you are. Those are your roles. But so often when someone asks us who we are, we don’t know how to answer that question. And oftentimes we don’t even know who we are. When our roles are gone, like a lot of people that become empty nesters, all they knew is their role as a mom, and that’s why so many people feel so lost. It’s like, what do I do now For me? I’m not a wife anymore, and for a long time I was, and so that role for me is gone, and so it’s just this change, right. And so now we’ve got to decide okay, who are we, what’s our identity? And those things are really important to know. So some other examples of different roles you might have a friend, a neighbor, a, a caregiver, a student provider, protector, teacher, right. So just write down, I think it’s important. Know, like, okay, what are all my roles that I play, what are they? Write them down, get to know what they are.
Your identity Some things are Identity. Some things are your worthy, your worth, right? I always like to remind people that a hundred dollar bill is always worth a hundred dollars, whether it is been ran over by a car, passed around the world a hundred times, crumpled, torn, whatever, it’s always a hundred dollars. Crumpled torn, whatever, it’s always $100, right, just like you, your worth is constant. It’s not like you’re worth less if you’re divorced or have been betrayed. Your worth is inherent. You were born with it, loved. We’re all lovable, right, we’re all worthy of love. Love now, sometimes not everyone loves us, but that’s on them, not on us. Are you resilient, capable, creative, compassionate, brave, faith-filled, spiritual, whole? Enough, like, really dig deep.
I think we know our roles well.
We do not know our identity, and it’s important to start examining what our identity is. Society, I think, really rewards performance, not presence, and so it’s easy to get caught up in our different roles. We’re conditioned to link worth with relationships. Busyness makes us forget who we are, so when betrayal happens, it feels like it shattered who we are, when really it just shattered a role of who we were. So I thought of a lot of ways, like different examples and different things that come up. I think a lack of self-awareness is a reason why we don’t know our identities. Well, right, we’re just living our life, we’re not aware. And that’s why I think healing and doing your work is so important, because, for sure, people ask who are you and oftentimes I’ll be like, well, I’m a mom, instead of saying like I am a compassionate, kind human being, right, like that’s just not the normal thing to say. Human being, right. Like that’s just not the normal thing to say. But wouldn’t our life be so much richer and more beautiful if we could. If someone said, hey, who are you? I’m a very generous, kind person. Who are you? What would you say to that?
I think busyness keeps us for sure avoiding our identity, because we’re constantly doing things like we’re driving carpools and we want to be creating more of our identity. Our upbringing plays a role in this, because many of us grew up praised for what we did If we got good grades or were obedient at school, rather than who. We are right at school, rather than who we are right. An example of this is like you’re such a good daughter when you help, instead of you’re so kind. So how can we start reframing things that we say to our kids and to ourselves, focused on their roles instead of, and more focused on their identity, letting kids know that they’re kind. We don’t just love them because they’re helping, we’re so grateful that they’re kind, like that’s such a good quality?
I think cultural expectations play into this. Society for sure ties successful businessman or good mother those are our roles. But when someone, if you lose your job or get divorced, that means you’re not worthy. No, but our society for sure. That’s an overarching, I think, theme right. So that’s why it feels so scary to get divorced. Because what we failed at our marriage, what was wrong with us? Nothing. We actually were amazing because we had courage to finally walk out and stop putting up with all the abuse and all the lies. Right, that takes courage. I want to be a courageous woman.
Relational pressure we internalize others’ expectations and opinions of us. They are defined like men will, often they’re the breadwinners, right, instead of you’re such a kind, compassionate father. Work culture defines our social value. Losing a title at work feels like losing your self-worth because you are what you do, right? That’s part of our culture and what do we need to do to change this fear of rejection, to avoid being abandoned?
We over identify with our roles. A woman might think if I’m the perfect wife and mother, no one will leave me. That role of our identity set up makes betrayal earth-shattering. Right, because we tied our role in being a good wife and mother and the belief that no one would abandon us if we did a good enough job, and that’s simply just not true. So I just want you to consider in your life where this is going on. Where do you focus more on your role versus your identity? The impact of betrayal attacks the role of a spouse right, you were thinking, what if I wasn’t enough as a wife? There’s the I’m not good enough. Right, I wasn’t enough as a wife or a husband, and we internalize it to mean we aren’t good enough, I’m not enough as a person. But that’s just not true. It is so confusing when we do this and it actually causes us so much more pain when we confuse the two and when we wrap them up together.
When identity and roles are blurred, we attach our worth to other people’s choices. I like to think of. Our roles are what the outside world sees. You know the labels were given and our identity is our inside. That’s our internal work to do to figure out our identity, who we want to be, our identity, who we want to be, and you can change. Right, like you can grow and become different things and more aware, and you can get confidence. You can become more courageous, you can become more loving and kind and patient. Right, there’s not like a quota of only certain people can be this way. No, you can become this way. Focus more on your identity than your role, especially when things like divorce or job loss or your kids moving out so often we just spiral and think our life is over. And it’s not Betrayal doesn’t mean you’ve lost who you are, it’s just that your role in your life has changed. You still can be an amazing person and if you still, if you’re struggling with that, you can become more confident or whatever else you’re wanting to become.
So questions you can ask if you’re confused, if you’re like who am I? So without your roles, for me, I’m not a wife anymore. But who am I? Or future self, what kind of wife do I want? To be right. Who am I without my roles? A lot of people put so much of their identity into what their roles are. But if you got rid of all your roles, are you still that same person? And I think oftentimes people hide behind their roles and when those roles are taken away from them for whatever reason, you find out who people really are.
And sometimes who people really are is pretty ugly and not great, because they were hiding under this false identity of their role instead of really internalizing those identities and being really kind. But they turned into, you know, not a great person after they lost their roles. What do I know is true about me, no matter what? So often when things like betrayal happen, you really see people in a new light. Things like betrayal happen. You really see people in a new light and they were just pretending, had a facade, that they were pretending or hiding behind. They were this really spiritual person Like my former spouse. My kids called him church dad. Right Like he was this epitome of really faithful guy and knew all the church answers. Right Like knew all the right things to say and teach his kids. But the truth is he wasn’t. When he lost that. He was not the church guy. He wasn’t the church dad, so it was almost like he was hiding behind the role, and I think we all do this in some aspect of our life, and so it’s just important to pay attention.
Are you doing this? What are you doing? Who are you really without the roles in your life? I think writing it down is helpful, writing down traits that you want to have, that you don’t have yet, because you can build resilience, you can become more compassionate, you can become more courageous, you can become more confident. You just have to practice at it. Separate your I am from I do. It’s going to be an important separation. I am worthy, whether I am married, divorced, singled or remarried, or I’ve been married three times, you’re still worthy. Or if you have been betrayed and you stayed with your partner, right, it’s okay. All of that is okay. And really focus on how this shift can help you with your healing, because the more you understand your identity, the less your roles are going to be so impactful in your life, because you’re not basing your worth on what other people think about you or what your role is.
In your life, Roles change, just like when you become an empty nester. You’re not. You don’t have babies. You’re not a full-time parent, right, you are still a parent, but it’s not full-time. Those things change, but your identity is always with you, your core beliefs, your core values. It’s really important, I think, for those of you if you’re thinking about getting married again, make sure you know what your spouse’s core values, what their identity is, not what their roles are, because that can be very confusing. It can be very flashy, right, like, oh, they’re very successful and they have all these stuff right. Those are the outside things that we’re focusing on instead of the inside core values of that person.
Anyways, I hope this was helpful. I really have been thinking about this because I think so often we focus on other people’s roles in our life as well as what our roles are, and we then compare ourselves and think we’re not good enough or we’re less than, but that’s not really true. So focus on what you’re inside, your identity, who you are and who your kids are. As you praise them or, you know, tell them something, make sure you point out things, qualities you notice about them. You’re really generous or kind, instead of just you’re a hard worker, right Like. I think that’s so much more helpful for them to hear things like that than, wow, you really washed that car great. Or proud of you for getting straight A’s right. Well, what happens when they get an F or a D? They’re going to feel like, wow, I’m not, my dad or my mom isn’t going to like me very much, but no, they need to know. They’re going to feel like, wow, I’m not, my dad or my mom isn’t going to like me very much, but no, they need to know they’re lovable, no matter what.
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