Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.
Imposter Syndrome After Betrayal
Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Today I’m going to talk about something that some of you are going to really relate to. And I think it’s just an interesting topic. I recently went to a women’s leadership like evening, and this person was talking about having imposter syndrome. And in my life, I don’t think I really have had a lot of imposter syndrome, but I know a lot of you do. So that’s why I wanted to talk about it. And I’m specifically going to tie it to betrayal because I definitely know that I’ve had imposter syndrome when it comes to betrayal. So that’s the angle that I’m taking. But, you know, oftentimes we think about it with our job or as a parent, we’re like doing a lot of comparing or we don’t feel inadequate in some way. I think social media, a lot of people struggle with imposter syndrome because we’re comparing something that’s usually maybe not necessarily real or that’s not their life all the time. And so I think it can really hold us back. And I think for sure, betrayal. Because when we’ve experienced betrayal, you start thinking things like, maybe I wasn’t enough. Maybe they were prettier, smarter, sexier, more fun than me. Especially for those of you that have seen the other woman or other man, that becomes even harder for our brains. We definitely go into this. Maybe we think our spouse was happier with them. And oftentimes our spouse tells us these things. So no wonder we believe them. But I just want to challenge you. You don’t have to believe what they say because remember they were lying. You think things like, How did I not know this was happening? How can I trust myself when I missed something that was big? Who am I if my marriage isn’t what I thought it was? Betrayal doesn’t just make you question your spouse, it can make you question yourself. And suddenly you can feel like an imposter in your marriage, your family, your body, and sometimes your entire life. So if you can relate to this, this episode is for you. So, what
What Imposter Syndrome Feels Like
is imposter syndrome? It is the feeling that somehow you’re not as capable, worthy, or deserving as other people think you are, or as you should be. So sometimes people give us compliments. Like I’ve had this experience, like, oh wow, you must be so successful. And in my mind, I’m thinking, wow, I wonder why they think I’m so successful. And maybe my definition of success is different than theirs. And so then I’m like, ooh, what, you know, I don’t think I am as successful as they think I am. And so then I feel like a fraud. Or people, I had this happen all the time. Oh my gosh, you’re married to the most amazing guy. And you guys have such an amazing life and amazing, amazing marriage. And yeah, and they didn’t know the part that was really hard, that was really painful. They didn’t know the whole truth. And so sometimes that can be so painful because we we then feel like we’ve done something wrong, we’re a fraud, something’s gone wrong, right? We think things like, maybe I wasn’t actually a good spouse. Our brain, our survival brain is trying to protect us. And so then we’re trying to think, okay, maybe it was us. It wasn’t them. Maybe our whole marriage was fake. Maybe everyone else knew something that I didn’t. Maybe the affair partner has something I don’t. Maybe I wasn’t lovable enough. This week I bumped into someone that used to work at the office where my former spouse used to work. And she was talking to me and she said something to me that made me think, did they all know this whole entire time? And no one told me. I just started questioning that. And I thought, okay, well, this is irrelevant now because I’m divorced. But I thought, how sad. Like, I felt like in a way, like, wow, they were holding that secret. And now somehow she could tell me, like, oh, we knew. And I’m thinking, okay, that was hurtful because you didn’t tell me that when I was married to the guy. Anyways, so all these questions can happen. Whether you’re married or divorced, your brain can go into this wondering what did I get wrong? I think feeling insecure isn’t proof that you’re inadequate. Sometimes we think, well, um, we need to be confident in all things, but that’s not true. That’s that’s just a lie your brain’s telling you. And we all have insecurities, and that’s normal, but it doesn’t mean you’re not capable of becoming something different. You just at the moment aren’t good at it, and that’s fine. Just know this is your brain trying to make sense of something painful. So
Betrayal Makes You Doubt Reality
betrayal creates the perfect environment for imposter syndrome. Before betrayal, you might think thoughts like, I know who I am, I know I’m with my spouse, and I know what my marriage is, I know it. I’m comfortable with it, I’m confident. But then after you discover your spouse is having an affair, you’re like, wait, was any of this real? And so many people, myself included, have asked, like, was my life even real? But it was, it was real for you. And I don’t want you to get fixated on it wasn’t real. Because the thing is, you were you had a different filter on the movie you were watching of your life than your spouse because your spouse was lying to you. Okay. So oftentimes this causes us to question our own judgment. And then we start comparing. We look at the affair partner and start collecting evidence. She’s younger, he’s more successful, he’s more exciting, she’s thinner, she’s more sexual, and then our brain makes a leap. They have something I don’t, therefore, I wasn’t enough. And I mean, yes, I totally experience this. To the point of my spouse made a pros and cons list for me and his affair partner. Talk about painful. I saw the list. He showed me the list, he talked to me about the list, right? To somehow I could be helping him make the decision. He took it to our marriage therapist, right? I fired that marriage therapist. But I just think so painful, right? I just I’m mind-blown that I even dealt with this type of pain and betrayal, but I did. And because I was so broken and I wanted to be his choice. I wanted him to choose me. And the truth is why I wanted that, I can understand it. However, now I’m so glad that I ended up choosing myself instead of focusing on what he wanted because he clearly didn’t know, because he needed a pros and cons list for his wife of 20 over 20 years to the woman he met in his office that he’d known for just months.
Apples And Oranges Comparison Trap
So we get stuck in the comparison trap oftentimes. And I just the analogy I like to think of you’re going to the grocery store and you need to buy apples, but they only have oranges. And so an apple and an orange are clearly different. They taste different, they’re a different color, they’re a different texture. Everything about them is different. And you wouldn’t look at an apple and say, this apple is terrible because it’s not a very, it’s not very good at being an orange, but that’s what we do. We compare ourselves all of our apple qualities to the mistresses or the misters, their orange qualities. And then we think something’s wrong with us. And I promise you it is the thief of joy. And it’s even harder when your spouse, who supposedly loves you, is also comparing you. And I dealt with this for years. My spouse would always, okay, I won’t say always, he would often compare me to other women in our neighborhood, in our circle, in our friend group, people we would travel with, people we would go on dates with. And he would look at all of their good qualities and compare them to all the qualities he didn’t like about me and tell me about that. If you could only be more like her. And for sure, what a miserable way to be for him. And of course, because I was in this situation I was, I took that very personally. And I thought I was not enough and I might never be enough. And now, of course, I don’t believe any of the things he said, but that’s where I was then. And we can get trapped in this comparison. And I just want you to know it’s not going to be helpful. We can take someone completely different from us and use their characteristics as evidence against ourselves. So if you find you’re doing this, I want you to be curious. Just be really curious and ask yourself, is that even true? Because chances are, the truth is we all, there’s things that I can do that you can’t do. And there’s things that you can do that I can’t do. Doesn’t mean we’re less valuable or less worthy, or that’s a beautiful part of our world and each other. We we don’t want to all be robots and be the same. And so I just think being curious and know that that is not helping you, that is hurting you, that’s keeping you stuck. Because there’s always, there I go again, saying always, but there is oftentimes there’s someone prettier than you, there’s someone younger than you, there’s someone thinner than you, funnier than you, a better athlete than you, and a better cook than you. And we could go on and on with this list, but I promise you thinking that is not serving you. If your worth requires being better than everyone else, you will never feel secure. And something that I really thought about that when we get stuck in imposter syndrome, we don’t even begin to recognize ourselves. I remember thinking, I don’t even know who I am anymore. Here I am in my 50s, divorced, single now. And who am I? And it took a lot for me to work on that. And I think sometimes even we have to go way back before we were even married to think, wow, I was actually a really great person. And being married and all my experiences really broke me down. And I became someone that I didn’t even like or didn’t even want to be around. And that betrayal does that, right? Remember, you can become more confident if you were confident before. You can learn to trust again, you can be fun and independent. Just because you aren’t feeling those things right now doesn’t mean it’s not possible for you to become those things or again or practice becoming those things. Because when we’re stuck in betrayal, we’re doing things that it feels crazy. We’re checking their phone 24-7. We’re looking, are they at their location? We’re stalking social media, we’re obsessing over every detail, we’re crying in our car, we’re asking the same question for the hundredth time. Becoming that version of you is miserable. And you might think, like, who am I? And this can create a lot of shame. I know I felt so much shame in my own marriage with betrayal that it kept me stuck for longer than I want you to be stuck for.
Shift From Shame To Needs
You don’t have to stay stuck. So instead of asking what’s wrong with me, ask what happened to me and what do I need now? I think that’s such a good question because this happened to you. You didn’t choose to get cheated on. And now what? What do you want? And I think it’s really important to discovering who you want to be, who you want to become. So just notice. I think I talk a lot about our thoughts, right? The story you’re telling yourself is important. Separate your facts, the facts of your story with your thoughts. A fact is my spouse had an affair. The story, they had an affair because I wasn’t enough. That’s the painful story, right? You’re making it, you’re adding so much more pain onto it. Now, of course, it’s painful if your spouse had an affair. And I’m not telling you to think a happy thought, but we’re just making it about us, right? The reason your spouse had an affair has something to do about them and nothing about you. So, what am I making their betrayal mean about me? I ask this question to my clients a lot. What are you making it mean? And some people oftentimes they’re like, what do you mean? What do I making it mean? I’m not making it mean anything. No, you are. You are definitely making it mean something. So try to, you know, figure it out. Try to figure out what are you making this mean? Are you making it mean something negative about you, something negative about them? Because whatever you are making it mean, that needs to be explored and be curious about. And remember, we’re not auditioning for your self-worth. You are worthy. Actually, everyone in the world is worthy. But we make it mean that we aren’t good enough. We aren’t worthy. You don’t need to become prettier or thinner or more successful, more sexual, more accommodating to prove you deserved loyalty. When you got married, you made a commitment to be loyal and honest and respectful with each other. That was already said. We didn’t think it was determined, like, oh, I’m only going to be loyal if you weigh a certain weight, or if you tell me 10 times a day how awesome I am, or if you make X amount of money, right? But that’s often what our spouse is telling us why they had an affair. Well, you know, you just didn’t make me feel the way I want to feel. But this person at my office sure did, right? No kidding, they did. They didn’t have bills to pay with you, they didn’t have kids, they didn’t have the reality of what really life was about. So it’s not the same, right?
Reconciliation Without Proving Yourself
It’s apples and oranges. And if you’re trying to repair your marriage, this is especially important because don’t turn your reconciliation into an audition, like, hey, would you still choose me after you cheated on me, right? That’s not it. That’s not the point. If I become good enough, maybe they’ll choose me. I know I totally got stuck in this, right? If I become the version of the woman my spouse thinks I should be or he wants me to be, okay, maybe he’ll stay married to me. I think unconsciously, I for sure did that. And it was a lose for me because he wanted me to become someone that I didn’t even want to be. And I was great as I was, but he couldn’t see that, right? He couldn’t see any of that. And so make sure you’re not trying to turn yourself into a pretzel so they’re gonna like you, so they’re gonna stay married to you. I want you to get curious about comparison. When you compare yourself to the affair partner, ask, what do I believe that they have that I don’t? And then try to go deeper. What do I think having that would give me? Because the truth is we are different people, right? There, do you really want to be someone that cheats, has an affair with a married man or woman? I don’t. That’s not anything near of who I want to be. Would never want to be that person. And so oftentimes we somehow then we can only look at their good qualities like, oh, they’re younger or whatever, uh prettier, thinner. But it’s like, no, they also don’t have values that you have. And to me, my values, my principles are way more important than what I look like or how much I weigh. So maybe the answer is desirability, right? Confidence, worth, security, or love. Maybe that’s what your brain is telling you. And so that is the wound that I want you to heal. So if you’re like, well, I would have more security or desirability, okay, maybe, maybe not. And the truth is, you can, if you’re like, no, actually, I do want to become more confident, you can totally do that. But don’t do it because you think that is what your spouse wants you to do. Do it because that’s what you want for you. So
Build Self Trust And Boundaries
start collecting evidence of who you are. Instead of gathering evidence against yourself, deliberately gather evidence for yourself. What have you survived? What qualities do you admire about yourself? How have you grown? I don’t think we ask ourselves these questions very often. We don’t we it’s like we compare ourselves to everyone’s positive qualities and our negative qualities, but I want you to start being curious about what’s great about you. Where have you been courageous in your life? It takes a lot of courage to experience betrayal. You know, you didn’t ask to experience it, but it’s it takes a lot of courage. And it takes a lot of courage to either stay in your marriage or leave your marriage. Both choices take a lot of courage because they feel very dangerous for different reasons. What do people who truly know you appreciate about you? I think that’s a great question. And it might be something you could ask people. If you’re like struggling, you know, figuring out for yourself, ask people so you can get some input. What are you proud of? This is rebuilding your self-trust, which is so important. I want you to become instead of prove. Become who you want to be instead of prove who you already are. We don’t need to prove anything to anyone, but I think becoming a new version of ourselves is necessary and important, especially after betrayal. Instead of asking, how do I prove I’m enough? Ask who do I want to become because of what I’ve been through? Right. And so a lot of us, we wear this label of or this have a thought about whatever betrayal has left, right? Like it’s the scarlet letter. It’s left a mark on us. But we don’t have to prove that we didn’t do anything wrong. We don’t have to prove anything about ourselves, but we can choose like what do we want to become because I’ve had this trial in my life, because I’ve had this experience. I think that is much more empowering than staying stuck as the victim. Maybe you want to become someone who trusts themselves again. I that is very important. That quality of learning to trust myself has been a huge part of my own healing because I trusted my spouse so much. And he just continued lying and cheating on me. And it really made me doubt myself. And so I think that. That is such an important thing. Someone who has boundaries. So many people think boundaries are a negative. Boundaries are the most loving and kind thing you can do for yourself as well as your relationships. Someone who speaks up. I hear this all the time. I don’t want to be a doormat, but I think we have to learn how to speak up with confidence and honesty and kindness instead of speaking out from anger. Like, right? It’s important to learn how to do that. I think our nervous system plays a huge role in this. And so learning that is going to be huge. Someone who doesn’t abandon themselves to keep someone else totally did this. I completely abandoned myself, right? And so many people also say, like, I feel abandoned. I get it, but don’t abandon yourself because many of you are abandoning yourself. You’re abandoning your values, what you really want, just so you can hear, I want you back or I love you. And maybe that’s a true statement, but you have to head into it with a lot of caution, right? Someone who can tolerate another person’s disappointment. As humans, we hate being disappointed, but the more you can tolerate it, the stronger that muscle inside of you will be. And the truth is, all of us get disappointed sometimes. And it’s okay. It doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, but it is uncomfortable. And so learning to feel that emotion is really gonna help you. Become someone who knows they’ll be okay whether their marriage survives or not. It really is true. You will be okay. I know it because I’ve been on both sides of this, but I want you to know it. But just know that it is possible. You will be okay. And this is where healing starts to shift from proving your worth to living from your worth. So these are some questions that I want you to think about.
Prompts To Rewrite Your Story
So if you’re driving, obviously can’t write them down, but maybe go back and listen. Since discovering the betrayal, I have been telling myself that I am what? I think these are really great questions to start getting your brain to figure out what am I doing, where am I now, and what do who do I want to become, and what do I need to work on? I compare myself to who because why? Why do you compare yourself to that person? I think all of us have a few people in our lives that we tend to compare ourselves to. And if they’re a movie star or someone famous, fine. But usually it’s like someone in our neighborhood, someone’s wife or husband. So I want you to get curious. Is it your siblings or your kids? Like, who are you comparing yourself to? I believe they have what that I don’t. I believe that they have blank that I don’t. What I’m afraid this says about me is what? Okay, so these are some great introspection questions to ask yourself. So what if that isn’t actually true? What if the answers you gave yourself, it’s not true? They are just thoughts. Thoughts are optional, which is so great. And finally, who do I want to believe I am instead? So just be curious. Instead of thinking I’m the most confident person in the world, right? That’s probably not gonna, your brain’s not gonna accept that. But you could say something like, I’m trying to trust myself again, or someone else’s choices don’t determine my worth. Like have some of these thoughts on hand to help your brain start thinking and feeling something different. Because remember, our thoughts create our feelings. I don’t need to compete with another person for my value. I can become someone I trust. You were never competing, just so you know. The affair partner, who knows what was going on for them, but you weren’t in competition until you discovered, right? Then you, but it was never a competition in the first place. So don’t create a competition for yourself. One of the most painful things about betrayal is believing that there was a competition and somehow you lost. But healing may mean recognizing you were never supposed to be competing. Their affair wasn’t a contest, you failed to win. So remember that. You don’t need to spend the rest of your life trying to prove that you’re better than the person they chose to have an affair with. The goal isn’t I want to finally feel better than them. The goal is I no longer need to compare myself to them at all. So if you are struggling with this, I’d love to help you. I get it. I have been there, and it’s a miserable place to be. Remember, betrayal may have made you question who you are. Healing is how you decide who you want to become. And I hope you want to become a healed version of yourself because you are worth it and it is possible. Thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful day, and I will talk to you next week.
Free Quiz And Farewell
Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with 1N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
