Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after, one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So this is another podcast that I saw someone’s Instagram and I thought, oh my gosh, this would be such a great topic. Before betrayal, your spouse says they’re running late and you think traffic must be bad. After betrayal, they’re 10 minutes late and your brain says, Who are they with? That right there is the loss of the benefit of the doubt. And so that’s the topic. I just thought, oh my gosh, I’ve never thought we’ve all said it right. I’ll just give them the benefit of the doubt. And I think that is our lower brain. When we feel safe with someone, we oftentimes give people, as humans, the benefit of the doubt. We just at face value trust what they’re going to say. But I realized, oh, it is really hard, if not impossible, to give someone the benefit of the doubt after they have betrayed you. So that’s what I want to talk about. Most people don’t realize how much this one thing affects everything in their relationship and healing. It’s so true. And it was like this light bulb moment for me. So that’s that’s why we’re talking about it. So it’s the automatic, the benefit of the doubt is the automatic assumption of innocence. It’s trust on autopilot, it’s your brain saying there’s probably a reasonable explanation. And I think oftentimes that’s why many women and men say, I just didn’t suspect, right? Because we were operating under this assumption that our spouse was just being honest with us. They really were at the grocery store. Their work really did go late. They were really going with Fred or you know Carrie to dinner, right? Little did we know that they were lying to us the whole time. So oftentimes when you have been betrayed, things like they didn’t text back, our brain goes, you know, before betrayal, we’re like, oh, they’re probably busy or they’re late, traffic, or their meeting went late. If we see our spouse on their phone, we think, oh, they’re probably just working or scrolling or, you know, just doing stuff on their phone. So I think the benefit of the doubt just makes our life and our relationships easy and safe and connected. But when betrayal happens, I think the benefit of the doubt completely goes away. Your brain shifts for sure into survival mode. Our lower brain kicks in and we see danger all the time. So when someone’s running late, we’re just like, oh, they’re lying. Who are they with? What are they doing? Right. The phone, they’re on their phone. Who are they talking to? Who are they texting? This feels very dangerous. If they’re going out, like they say they’re going out with a friend, like they did before, we’re like, oh no, who are they really going with? Right. Our brain is no longer trying to connect, it’s trying to protect us. And I think that’s a huge difference. We are in constant survival protection mode. And when we this happens, we show up really awful and insecure and desperate, right? So it hurts us and it hurts our relationship and it just makes everything messy because our nervous system is dysregulated. Our horror movie of worst case scenario has come true. And now we’re re-watching it every single day, sometimes 10 times a day. And our survival brain becomes the default, right? We we can’t even bring, I call it our CEO brain online because we feel so triggered and so like we’re in danger. We’re getting chased by a bear, but our spouse is just has just pulled out a cell phone. Okay, so it becomes very confusing. But I just want you to know like you’re normal. This is why this is happening, right? And it feels so intense because betrayal, it’s proof that our reality wasn’t real. It’s like our fake real, right? In last week’s podcast, right? With the fake Louis Vuitton or the fake Gucci. We thought it was real and then we find out it wasn’t. And that’s so disappointing. And our brain is for sure on high alert because it’s telling us we are not missing this again. We are not letting this happen again. And so we’re constantly scanning. Okay. You’re not crazy. You’re just being hyper-vigilant, right? You’re just, your brain does not want to miss this. So it is in constant, intense scanning, making sure you’re going to be safe, right? Trying to prevent, it’s just trying to prevent that this will ever happen again. The loss of the benefit of the doubt is your brain trying to keep you safe, but it’s also what keeps you stuck. And so if you are stuck in this and you recognize, like, I feel very stuck, this is probably what’s happening. Okay. So how this is going to impact you as a betrayed partner, you’re going to feel exhausted. Do you know how exhausting it is to constantly be scanning, right? And your brain is on hyper mode all the time. You create so much anxiety. I used to think, I’ve said this story before, that I had like some anxiety disorder. And nowadays I feel like everyone does, right? Especially kids. But for me, I’d never really had anxiety before. And I was just feeling so much anxiety. And my spouse is like, you need to go to the doctor and get on some medication. I did. It helped, but you know, there’s always side effects. But I thought, I don’t think this is it. It wasn’t. It was he was lying to me and having an affair. It created so much anxiety for me. People, we get obsessive thoughts, right? We obsess over every detail. And our brain is really good at really exaggerating all those thoughts, right? We always go to worst case scenario, we go down the rabbit hole and we will obsess and we won’t sleep, and hence why we’re exhausted and we have no peace. It is a miserable place to be. And if you’ve experienced betrayal, you know exactly what I’m talking about. And I think for the person, the betrayed partner, they feel constantly questioned because we are trying to get answers. So we’re asking all these questions. They feel like they can’t win and they have shame. And so then they get defensive, and then we think they’re lying, and it just goes around and around in a circle, and it causes a lot of problems. Here, the betrayed partner is trying to feel safe, and the other is trying to prove that they’re safe to be around, right? And I think safe is such a funny word that we say. And I’m not talking about physical safety, I’m talking about emotionally safe. This is what that means. Do you feel like can you be in a room with this person and not feel completely triggered? And many of us can’t, especially after betrayal. And it’s exhausting. Okay. So this cycle we create is we’re suspicious, right? We have all this suspicion. Are they cheating on us still? I need to make sure. Then we ask questions and then we check their phone and we scroll and we search and we try to find something. And it kind of gives us a little bit of relief. But then our doubt comes back and it gets stronger. And so then we are stuck in this loop, right? Of having this feeling because we’ve lost the benefit of the doubt. We don’t have that anymore. And we just spin in this loop. And no amount of checking your spouse’s phone, I’m telling you, or his location or their location will make you feel safe. You have to create that within you. Okay. So how do we know if we should give someone the benefit of the doubt? It has to be a decision, right? And I don’t think it’s automatic. We don’t owe anyone the benefit of the doubt. And we have to be cautious, of course, but if we want to rebuild our marriage, we’re definitely going to have to try if that’s what you want. Or even if you do get divorced and you want to co-parent well with this person, it’s going to be important. It’s going to take a lot of work, but it’s totally possible. Giving the benefit of the doubt after betrayal is not blind trust. It’s a conscious choice you make as you heal. So that’s because you’re bringing your CEO part of your brain online. And then you can decide, okay, do I want to have moments that I want to give this person who has been lying to me, but I see is doing their work and progressing and helping me. Do I want to give them the benefit of the doubt again? And I think you have to do that in a state of regulation. You cannot be dysregulated. You have to feel calm and not triggered, right? And fight, fight or freeze. You have to, I call it your zone of resilience. You have to be in your zone. And you can do that through breathing. For me, I will curl up often in a blanket if I feel dysregulated, like a warm blanket that helps regulate me going on walks. You got to decide what will regulate you. For sure, exercise movement helps. Yoga is a beautiful thing, meditation, gratitude, journaling, all these things can help you so you’re not spiraling. And your brain, you need to start getting curious instead of reactive. So when you think the thought, you’re lying, you could say something like, My brain is telling me the story that you are doing X, Y, and Z. Is that true? Right. Because when we just say, Oh, you’re just a liar, right? That’s very accusatory. And of course, people are going to get defensive and we’re not going to get the answers. So we have to reframe and start saying these things a little differently, right? Your brain is reacting to what happened, not always what is happening. So oftentimes we bring our past into our future and cause ourselves so many problems because trauma doesn’t know did it happen 10 years ago or did it happen today? And so that’s why we have to heal. Because otherwise, it’s just going to keep on moving with us and it’s going to feel very intense, even though it really did just happen 10, 20 years ago. I think trust is rebuilt in layers, right? Consistency. If we’re trying to trust our spouse, we have to have consistent things that they have to do and we have to do. Transparency is absolutely important. And not everyone’s willing to give that, and that’s okay. But then you’ve got to decide if they’re not willing to be transparent, am I willing to stay in this relationship? Boundaries, right? You have to set boundaries. If you don’t know about boundaries, hire a coach, go to therapy, get help. You need boundaries after betrayal. And I think the biggest person to rebuild the benefit of the doubt and trust is with yourself. The goal isn’t just to trust them again, it is to trust yourself to handle whatever happens. I love the thought I’ve got this, I can do this. Many times we didn’t feel like we could do it before, but now if you trust yourself, it’s like I know I will make the best decision for me and I will trust me that I can do that. And that is where trust and confidence play a huge role in your healing. Sometimes the benefit of the doubt isn’t just about them, it’s about how safe you feel in your own life. And you don’t have to rush, you don’t have to force it, but staying stuck in suspicion and all of that forever, you’re gonna stay stuck and you will not heal. It is just a fact. Losing the benefit of the doubt after betrayal makes sense, but healing is learning how to feel safe again. And that is what I really want you to get from this message is that you can heal and you can feel safe again. And it’s not about what your partner does or doesn’t do, it’s about what you do and how you heal. So whether it is rebuilding your marriage or rebuilding yourself, it is necessary and it’s totally possible. Anyways, thanks for listening. Please leave me a review. And if you like this podcast, share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
