Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after, one episode at a time. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. I’m so glad you’re here on this beautiful day. One of the things almost no one talks about after discovering an affair is how we react. The person discovering the affair reacts. And it’s usually not our best moments. The screaming, the throwing something across the room, punching a wall, grabbing their arm, saying things we never imagined we would say. And afterwards, the shame. Many betrayed partners tell me I barely recognize the person I became in that moment. I hate that I reacted that way. Today we’re going to talk about reactive abuse and why it happens after betrayal. And I this is a sensitive topic, and I just want you to see if this is an experience that you experienced. Not everyone has. And so I’m going to share some personal stories that I don’t know if I’ve ever shared them. But I just more importantly, what this means to you and what it doesn’t, right? I want you to really focus on if it if you can’t relate or just so you can have some maybe compassion for yourself and recognize what’s going on for you. Because I don’t want you to be in a shame spiral. And I was stuck in shame for many years slash decades. So reactive abuse is a nervous system reaction to extreme emotional shock or manipulation, right? Which is exactly what betrayal is. When someone who is usually calm reacts in an out-of-character way. So things people might do, there’s could be screaming, right? Throwing something, punching a wall, breaking an object, grabbing someone’s arm, saying cruel or explosive things, self-harming themselves, right? It’s when your nervous system reacts before your thinking brain can catch up. Reactive abuse does not make the behavior okay, but it helps explain why it happened. So I’m not saying if you’ve done this, it’s not okay, but I just want you to have lots of compassion for yourself because your nervous system took over your body. It’s I always call it like an outer body experience. I’m just going to explain the biology of why betrayal triggers extreme reactions. When betrayal is discovered, your brain experiences it as a threat to your survival. Your nervous system goes into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. Okay, that’s your trauma response. For many betrayed partners, fight mode shows up. Fight mode can look like yelling, throwing things, confronting aggressively, physical expressions of anger. Your brain thinks your world just collapsed, your marriage, your safety, your identity, your future. Your nervous system reacts in danger, protect yourself, right? It just that’s what it naturally is designed to do. Doesn’t know, are you getting attacked by a bear? Or did your spouse just tell you they’re having an affair? Or did you just read a text message from another woman, another man? And so it is very triggering. And sometimes you have a reaction that would not normally happen to you. So I’m gonna share a few stories of moments. I told you before, I was very chill, but this is years ago. This happened years ago. I was seven months pregnant. I was picking up my spouse from the Salt Lake City airport. I had two other children at the time, and I had left them at a friend’s house because I knew something was going on in our marriage. I knew we needed to have a talk. And so I asked my friend, could you take my kids for the night? And I really need to have a talk. We need to talk about our marriage. And so I thought that would be really a great thing to do. I show up at the airport. See, my husband, I was in the baggage claim area, and all of a sudden, another girl runs up to my husband, and he sees me, and I see him, and I see her, and I’m just in shock, right? I here I am very pregnant, and this other person is running up to my husband to also pick him up. And back then, like not everyone had cell phones. So that’s the thing. Like, realize this is a different time. Like, otherwise, I would probably be like on some meme or you know, all over TikTok. Look at this crazy lady, what she did, right? But very few people had cell phones and they didn’t definitely have video cameras. And so it was just a different time. And I, my reaction was I slapped her. And of course, that wasn’t right. That was terrible. I carried that shame of me slapping her for decades. And my spouse used that against me. How could you do that? That was so terrible. Here I am. Remember, I’m seven months pregnant. And I said lots of swear words. I was screaming in the airport. I had a complete meltdown. And um, we went home and he spent the night consoling her on the phone. Now, why I didn’t leave in that moment, I don’t know. But I didn’t because I had babies and there was no resources. There, it was just a different time, right? I have so much love and compassion for past me, but that moment stuck with me for years. Now, fast forward, I’m divorced for about a year, and that particular child is the similar age to this girl who my spouse was having an affair with. She’s like 21 years old. And I, in my healing journey, I decide I’m gonna reach out to her and I’m gonna apologize to her for hitting her, for slapping her. And I did. I somehow went into the crevices of my brain and figured remembered her name. I didn’t really know her name, and I hadn’t ever talked to her, I don’t think. And so I messaged her and she took a while, but she sent me a message back, and we had this beautiful moment on Facebook Messenger, and I had carried that um shame for 20 years, 21 years. And she I said to her, I whatever I wrote to her, and I said, P.S. I am so sorry I hit you. I, you know, and at that time I didn’t understand my nervous system. I just thought I was crazy. I had gone crazy. And she said, look, first of all, I deserved that slap, and I forgive you. And you had every right to do that, right? But which is fine. But it like in that moment, I felt so much like forgiveness for myself and from her, even though here she was the one having the affair. But I realized, I mean, she was 21 years old. We were in our 30s at the time. And so I just have to love and have compassion. And now that I understand what my nervous system was doing, of course, here I am pregnant. I was protecting my baby, I was protecting my family. And this person, I felt like was ruining that. She was taking that away from me. I felt like she was the culprit. It was really my husband, but I didn’t go there. Of course, it couldn’t be his fault, it was hers. And so now I have lots of compassion for myself and for that story. And then another time. I I have several, right? I have thrown things, I have put holes in my walls. And I that is not who I am. But when you read a text message from another woman to your husband, that is completely inappropriate. That is just sometimes something that happens. And the last one is I it’s really, I’m gonna say the day my my finally I was able to like have my marriage end. It was April Fool’s Day of all days of 2022. And I had gone into my former husband’s office. He was not there, he was out of town, and I knew the girl he was having an affair with worked in that building. And I just thought, I just want to see what she looks like. I was just curious. And I just was like, I was still not sure what I was doing, why I was even staying married. But I just, anyways, it was complicated. But I thought, I’ll just peek in my head until I know where she works. And someone said, Oh, who are you looking for? And I said, Who I was looking for, and they’re like, Oh, she’s right downstairs. And I had been talking to my brother right before this, and he said, Jennifer, don’t do it, don’t do it, don’t do it. And I was like, uh, but I just wanted to. I was curious. I’m like, who is this person like ruining my family again? Right. Clearly, I still wasn’t going to. It was my husband, but it it was this person, other woman, the other woman. It’s always the other woman or the other man. No, it was my spouse the whole time. So I casually go down to the next floor and I scanned the room because I didn’t know what she looked like. And I found the prettiest girl in the room. And I walked up to her and I asked her, Hey, is this your name? And she said, Yes. Right. I should have probably asked her another question because I said something to her, just in a quiet voice. I wasn’t mean. I this time I was actually, I was not mean. I shook her hand and I said, Hi, this is who I am. And and I basically said, You’re having an affair with my husband. And um, not not in that nice of uh words, but I won’t say what I really said. But you can get what I might have said. And that’s all I said, and I left. Well, 10 minutes later, my phone blew up, like all heck broke loose. Well, it turns out I didn’t approach the right girl, even though she said that was her name. Obviously, it was a common name. But in that moment, of course, she was traumatized, which I had so much shame about. Here I’ve how embarrassing. I approached the wrong girl, but also the entire office now knows about the affair because this girl freaked out. Then I get banned from the building. So I not only am never allowed to go into this building again, which is fine. I don’t need to go to the building. But I’m like, I am an upstanding citizen. Like, I don’t, I don’t even, I don’t break laws. It’s not my MO, but here now I’m banned from this building in downtown Salt Lake City. I don’t know if I am anymore, but because somehow I felt like a threat, of course, to this girl. Well, it turns out this girl was a friend of mine’s daughter. So that weekend, huge shame spiral. But the difference between that experience and the one I had 20 years before that was I was able to get out of the shame in a few days because I had a conversation with this girl. I was apologized profusely. She totally understood she felt bad. And I had much more self-confidence and self-worth. And I understood I had the tools. So I was able to get out of the shame because no kidding, I did that, right? Like I like it just, it makes sense. So, which is so beautiful that in a weekend I could get out of my shame sparrow. And it took me over two decades to get out of the one that happened in the early 2000s. And so that’s why I think healing is important and having the right tools. And I understood, oh, this is my nervous system reacting, right? And really that moment in that building approaching the wrong girl actually was a blessing in my life because that was the moment that I knew my marriage was over. I had this realization like, I’m done doing this. I am done being cheated on and all the things. And so I’m actually really grateful because I don’t know, had I not done that, if my husband would have had, he would have just probably, we would have just kept on moving down the pipeline of our marriage. I don’t know if we would have, I don’t know because that’s not what happened, but I do know that that was the point in my, I was done. It was over. And we I got divorced about six weeks after that moment. And I’m so grateful. So I I’m just sharing those stories because if you have experienced reactive abuse, first of all, it’s okay, right? It’s it’s this is why you did it, right? Abuse is never okay. So I’m I’m gonna go back on it’s okay. It’s not okay. But I don’t want you to shame yourself and get stuck. And your spouse, I’m just telling you, will use that against you. And don’t allow it, don’t believe their lies because it is not okay to use your reaction to their affair against you to cover up the actual reason why you reacted that way is because the affair. They will do anything to deflect, to not make it their problem. Now it becomes your problem. And that is also very painful and causes lots of problems, a lot of confusion. So, no, you might have a moment of screaming that you regret, you throw something, you punch a wall, you have a confrontation you wish had gone differently. But I want you to remember what you felt in your body, make a note of what happened, what you felt afterward, and then realize that your body was just trying to protect you. You were just trying to stay safe, and you aren’t a bad person. You are human. Okay. Many betrayed partners think they turn it on like, oh my gosh, I’m the abusive one. Maybe I’m the problem. Maybe I deserved it. I totally had all these thoughts. The shame can become another layer of trauma. Sometimes the unfaithful spouse may say things like, Look how crazy you are. Oh, I was called crazy all the time. Right. I’m like, and I felt crazy. So I’m like, well, maybe I am, but I wasn’t crazy. I just was being betrayed and I had so much trauma inside of me. They might say, like, oh, this is why I cheated because you’re crazy. You’re the abusive one, right? They try to make it your fault because of how you reacted. Just remember, and I might say this a few times: one moment of reactive behavior does not define your character. Patterns and intent matter. So one moment of reactive behavior does not define your character. Patterns and intent matter. And I want you to really recognize that this isn’t a pattern. It was not a pattern for me. It was very out of the ordinary, very the only time, the only time that I’ve ever done any of this behavior is in moments that I found out my husband was having an affair, or I read a text, or you know, something. But in the actual moment, I finally realized, you know, that my husband was having an affair. Those are moments that I reacted. And it wasn’t the whole time that I found him having an affair. It was just in that initial moment. And so it makes sense. No kidding, I did that. Accountability without self-destruction. It’s an important balance. And remember, two things can be true at the same time. The betrayal deeply wounded you, and some of your reactions may not have been healthy. Okay. So both of those things can be true. Of course, you were hurt and broken, and you didn’t react in the best way. So healing includes taking responsibility for your behavior, learning to regulate your nervous system, and releasing the shame. And this is so important. I didn’t know about my nervous system until after I got divorced. No one ever talked about it. I mean, it’s really like now, if you’re on social media, it’s talked about a lot. I personally have been trained in nervous the nervous system and trauma. And so I’m very passionate about it because the moment I’ll never forget in my therapist’s office, we had a session and we talked about my nervous system. And it was this aha moment that I thought, oh my gosh, I’m not crazy. No wonder I did this. It was such a relief for me to know, oh, this is my body was actually working, it was protecting me. I didn’t know that. So that’s why I’m very passionate about helping you understand this and know this. Because yes, you reacted poorly, but it makes sense why you did. And then to release the shame. And the shame doesn’t for me, I needed to just own what I did. And, you know, I’ve apologized to that one person, but mostly apologize to me and for being so mean to me. I was really mean to me and for accepting that I’m human and no kidding, I reacted that way. And I’m gonna do a better job of not doing that in the future, right? Now that I know I have the tools and letting go of all that shame. And I’m not a bad person, and neither are you. And make sure you’re not believing you are the abusive one because of your reaction, right? It was a moment in time. Chances are your spouse may be abusive. I was, in my opinion, in an emotionally abusive marriage for a very long time. And betrayal, in my opinion, is a form of abuse, right? Especially the lying, the manipulation, the gaslighting. It’s very abusive. That is a pattern, that is a constant thing happening. Your reaction Usually is a one moment in time event. So what your nervous system actually needed was a safety, validation, truth, grounding. But instead, it was gaslit. There were lies, confusion, and emotional chaos. It makes sense that your nervous system exploded. Your body was trying to survive a psychological earthquake. So some practical tools to handle triggers. If you feel triggered, if you’re talking about the affair and you’re feeling triggered, you just need to pause your conversation and you can walk away so your emotions don’t escalate. If you feel, I tell my clients this all the time, if their spouse is yelling or getting confrontational, or if you feel yourself yelling or getting confrontational, leave the room. Walk away, take a break. That’s a better thing to do than saying things you’ll regret, being mean, you know, hurt people, hurt people. So if you can, walk away. You need to get regulated. You need to do some deep breathing, right? Deep breath in and deep exhale out. You can splash cold water in your face. That can like help regulate you. You can maybe step outside, go walk around the block, delay confrontation. Talk when you’re calmer. If you feel yourself like I’m not in a space where I can talk, say, hey, can we talk later on tonight or tomorrow or at a different time when you’re not tired, you’re rested. Say, like, I feel really triggered right now. I feel a lot of anger right now. And I don’t think it’s going to be the best time for me to talk. Get support, right? That’s why having a coach, going to a therapist, having a friend to talk to, this is going to help you. I do so much processing every day on my walks with my friends. Like sometimes just walking and talking and just getting it out. If you don’t have that, find that. Find a group, find a person. I love coaching because it gives people the opportunity just to get validated, right? But also look at where they have thought errors and how to heal and teach them new tools. That’s why coaching is so powerful. It can really change your life. Reframe your story. Instead of saying, like, oh my gosh, I’m an abusive person. I was a traumatized person reacting to betrayal, right? I had to rewrite my story. I never thought that I was an abusive person. Like that’s not the story that I told myself. But I just thought, oh my gosh, I think I’m going crazy or what’s wrong with me. Like I felt like, oh, I’m, I’m just, something’s wrong with me. That’s really where I went. But nothing was wrong with me. I was just reacting to my spouse having an affair while I was pregnant. The goal isn’t to justify your behavior. The goal is to understand the nervous system so we can heal it. If you had a moment after betrayal where you didn’t recognize yourself, I want you to know you’re not alone. Betrayal shakes your entire nervous system, and healing isn’t about pretending that moment didn’t happen. It’s about learning how to care for the part of you that was hurting deeply. Anyways, if this resonated with you, I would love to hear your story. If you’ve never spoken it out loud, I am willing to listen to it because I don’t think I’ve ever I’ve shared some of this story with some close friends, but definitely not on my podcast. But to me, that shows me where I am now and how much I’ve healed because I don’t make it mean anything about me. Like, no kidding, I did that. And I wish I could have known a different way, but I want you to know you can know a different way and heal your nervous system today. Anyways, have a beautiful day and I’ll talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
