Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So I’ve kind of been going down my podcast memory lane looking at like what past podcasts I have done and recorded and this topic seems to come up a lot in my coaching is feeling uncomfortable, a lot of discomfort. Right, it’s really uncomfortable all these emotions when you’re talking about betrayal, especially with your spouse, and a lot of people tend to avoid that and I was like, wait, I think I did a podcast on this. So I went and looked and I did, but I really did the podcast on physical discomfort, which I think there’s physical discomfort and then emotional discomfort. So this episode is going to be on the emotional discomfort that we have and we most of us tend to avoid or resist feeling it, but I think it is important to also push yourself. And, for sure me, getting divorced, the past three years, I’ve had a lot of uncomfortable things I’ve had to do that are like out of my natural state, what I enjoy doing, and so I think it’s really like that’s so great. I’m going to attach that podcast on to this one just because I think it’s good to think like, okay, how am I stepping out of my comfort zone in my life? That will help you grow and develop? But also, okay, how can I be stronger emotionally?
So many people, first of all, when you’ve experienced betrayal, you become emotionally numb, so it’s even hard to feel emotions. So that can be challenging. But as you try because you’re going to need to have a lot of, I’m going to say, uncomfortable conversations with your spouse, especially if you’re wanting to rebuild your marriage, and most of us, like I said before, we like to avoid, we resist or we react to our emotions and that’s normal. So just know you’re normal if you do that. But what we need to practice is leaning into having the uncomfortable conversation and I even think this with your kids. So, whoever you know if it’s a boss or your parents or your husband or kids lots of opportunity here to practice having uncomfortable conversations, and most people do not like to feel uncomfortable, right, like you think about when you go somewhere that’s hot and humid, like you’re just so uncomfortable and you feel sticky and gross or you know just new smells or just lots of things. People we avoid feeling uncomfortable.
Think of all the luxuries we have in our life. Feeling uncomfortable. Think of all the luxuries we have in our life and not that everyone has that, but for sure, in America we have a lot of luxuries and a lot of things like air conditioning and heat for one right, and so we have cars. We’re not having to walk and carry our groceries Some of us are, but anyway. So just think about that for yourself.
And I want you to go, not in your head, but go into your body. How does discomfort feel in your body? I want you to get really familiar with feeling that Like. Is it feel heavy or tight or hard, like a lot of movement, or is it slow or fast, fast, like? Just really describe to yourself how discomfort feels, because discomfort is a feeling and the better you can get at feeling it, the more you will be able to stand feeling it or tolerate feeling it. So how does it feel when someone you love, like your spouse, is uncomfortable sometimes?
Sometimes some people find themselves being uncomfortable, but when their spouse is uncomfortable they can’t even handle it. So they avoid having a conversation to avoid how their spouse is going to feel. And first of all, we just have to get out of the mindset that we can control how our spouse feels and that it’s okay for people to feel uncomfortable and discomfort. Sometimes we have to be uncomfortable if we want to change. Right, if we kept everything super cozy and comfortable, we wouldn’t ever grow and change and learn. So just pay attention. Are you one of those that you’re okay feeling it for yourself, but when other people feel it it is worse and you just shut down signs you might be having emotional distress? Like being emotionally uncomfortable If you’re unable to sleep well. Like have you ever had something on your mind and it just plays over and over again, and so you would rather do that than have the conversation. Like you have the conversation in your head but you’re not having it to the person, so you just make up fake scenarios, and usually your fake scenarios that you’re making up are to the person. So you just make up fake scenarios and usually your fake scenarios that you’re making up are 10 times worse than the reality of what would really happen if you had the conversation. So it’s going to affect your sleep, which is going to affect so much. It’s going to make your life more uncomfortable because you’re tired.
Okay, weight fluctuation either you gain weight or lose weight. I think this for sure was a sign of my discomfort in my marriage. Was for sure my weight? I for sure gained weight because I would be uncomfortable and then I would eat sugar, right, or you know, just eat at weird times of the day. It wasn’t like I was eating a lot, it was just probably what I was eating and like the time I was eating it, because I had this like pit in my stomach all the time, and so to fill that pit I would use food, and so I guarantee you’re going to lose weight or eat better.
When you are willing to lean into uncomfortable conversations, maybe you have sudden outbursts, like you. When you’re, I always just think, like, is your emotion bigger than the issue? And I’ve totally experienced like I still to this day remember ripping the drive-thru lady’s head off at the Wendy’s right. I think I was under so much emotional stress about. You know something going on in my marriage that I she said one thing and I just ripped her head off. So we have to be really careful that we aren’t just reacting. We can, like we have to allow ourselves to feel that emotion and release it so we’re not having these outbursts. Or are you taking something from your marriage out on your kids or your neighbor or your parents? Right Happens all the time. They feel safer to have this emotional outburst with than your spouse, who you really need to have the conversation with. Or are you silent about the affair? Like let’s not talk about the affair, but I’m going to rip your head off because you left your socks on the floor for the hundredth time. Right, that can happen. So it’s like no, what we really need to be discussing is how you’re having an affair and lying to me, not if the socks are on the floor, but sometimes that just feels safer or easier to deal with than the affair.
If you have a lack of energy, even for things you used to love, that’s a sign that you’re emotionally distressed, okay. So if you just it’s like you just stop kind of caring about anything, even those things that you really loved and love to do. If you are super emotional, right, like you’re crying, like overly emotional, like you, someone says one thing to you and you just burst into tears about something maybe that normally you wouldn’t wouldn’t be something to cry about. If that is happening to you, then you know, like you have been resisting and your body is telling you I cannot hold this in any longer and I need to release or we’re going to explode. Okay, so that’s your body’s way of just releasing emotion out of your body because you were unwilling to feel it. Just be paying attention to how your body is reacting, because our body holds the emotion and that’s not healthy. It needs to be able to have a way out of it.
Okay, so a great way is just to practice having difficult conversations. And I know that feels really scary, right, that feels dangerous, like, oh my gosh, I’m going to go walk into the lion’s den because we have this image in our mind that that is how dangerous it feels. But just remind your brain like no brain, I’m just saying words. And if that just you can’t get past the how scary that feels, write it down, write a letter, send a text, send an email. Somehow get the words out of your body onto something so you can start making progress with this. So I think you could record a message People like to do. Marco Polo or I do voice memos all the time and send to people because I want them to hear my voice, because sometimes what I’m saying isn’t come across in an email or a text. So there’s lots of technology that’s made, you know, communication easier, but you just got to use it.
Okay, remember, there’s not a right or wrong way to say things. Like just saying them is better than holding them in, avoiding them, like I said before. Like remind yourself like I’m safe, I’m not getting killed by a lion by saying this. It’s okay, I’m allowed to feel and think this way. You’re allowed to be upset, and especially when we’re talking about really hard things like betrayal, of course you’re angry, of course you’re angry, of course you’re mad. Like allow yourself to feel those feelings. I know that feels uncomfortable. People don’t like to feel negative emotion, but you have to. You can’t just be like oh, that’s so great, right. Like no one, I don’t think, thinks that, but you’re going to have to feel those negative emotions. Your feelings matter. Like give yourself permission to feel whatever you need to feel, and your spouses, your kids, their feelings matter, so we need to hear them too.
Ask yourself, like what do you need? You can request your need and make it clear that you are going to get your need met. Like sometimes we need like a hug, like hey, after, can we like have a hug? And if your spouse is like no, then give yourself a hug. Like go find your kids, give them a hug. Right, if you, you just need to make sure you’re finding whatever you need to have happen and you could state it ahead of time. Like this is really hard for me to say, I’m very uncomfortable right now, but I need to say this. And afterwards, if you could just sit and listen as soon as I’m done talking, then you can say something like right, just say what you need, maybe before you even say it, confidence helps, and so I know, in betrayal, our confidence has been like squashed to the ground and so it’s really hard to have confidence. But if you can get to that like just decide like no, I can do this, like give yourself a pep talk ahead of time and be like no, I can do this, like give yourself a pep talk ahead of time and be like no, this is important, you know, whatever happens at least I know right and so if you can find confidence, that’s going to be helpful.
Remember, it’s just an emotion, it’s not good or bad. Make peace with feeling negative emotions. Like don’t be’t be like, well, it’s wrong or bad that I feel this way or my kids feel that way. It is human to feel negative emotions as well as positive emotions, and so we’re gonna just have to feel both types of emotions and it’s not good or bad or wrong or right. Okay, so just consider, like, allow yourself to really consider that, and it’s okay for you to have a feeling and it’s also okay for your spouse. They might feel differently. A lot of people, once they tell their spouse if they do tell without getting caught that hey, I’m having an affair that gives them, sometimes the betrayer, the partner that had the affair, a lot of relief, and then it puts you into a complete tailspin and you’re so angry and confused and sad, right, and so it’s like two different emotions happening at once, and that’s how life is. So we have to give space for how you’re feeling as well as space for how your spouse is feeling.
Find ways to allow yourself to release stress. I think, if you’re going to have a tough conversation, if you can go on a walk, have the conversation while you’re moving. That can be really helpful. Our body, as we move, releases energy and emotion out of our body and stress okay. Stress can. It just gives off a different energy and it feels tight and like a lack of control if we let go or say anything. So find ways to allow yourself. Like exercise is a great one okay. Allow yourself like exercise is a great one Okay.
If you need to, if you really struggle with this, like feeling uncomfortable, get help. I always think, like when you want to like get stronger and you’re not really familiar with the gym, you hire a trainer to help you lift weights, create an exercise program, and I just want you to know like coaching is like a gym membership for your brain. Your body needs to move, but also your brain needs to. Your emotions need to. You need to learn how to process them. So you need help sifting through the million thoughts you have and learning how to feel your emotions, and sometimes you need to learn how to feel, how it feels to sit in discomfort, and having a coach help you do this is life-changing, just like having a trainer help you, you know, learn how to lift weights and get a plan to move your body and get stronger and get more fit.
Having a coach helps you with your brain, helps you with your thoughts and your feelings, and so you can be more regulated and have these hard conversations that inevitably need to happen if you’re having marital issues, if you’re having intimacy issues, if you’re having any type of issues in your marriage. Those conversations, for most people, are extremely uncomfortable. So just decide I’m willing to walk in discomfort to get out of the other side, because, guess what, once you go through the discomfort, it’s so much more connecting to you and your partner and you’re going to have such a better, stronger relationship if you can do this. So if this was helpful, please like and share with your family and friends.
I’d love it if you left me a review and if you need a coach, I’m here and I’d love to help. Have an amazing week and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
