Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.
Mini-Series Setup And The Big Idea
Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So the next three weeks, I’m going to be doing kind of a mini-series. I’m in a new coaching certification program with Terry Real through the Relational Life Institute. And I’m really excited. I’m learning so many new things that I really wanted to share them with each of you. And so today the topic is going to be the five losing strategies that keep you stuck in your relationship and especially after betrayal. So whether you’ve been betrayed or not, this could totally help you. So listen up. None of us wake up trying to sabotage our relationships, but sometimes we have been using different strategies thinking they’re going to work. And oftentimes we develop them because they’re become very protective for us. The problem is what protects us from pain often prevents us from experiencing love, healing, and connection. Whether you’re trying to heal your marriage after infidelity or simply heal yourself after divorce, I promise you’ll recognize yourself in at least one of these. And I certainly recognize myself in several.
Losing Strategy One Being Right
So the first losing strategy is being right. Does this sound familiar? One of the biggest losing strategies that I see all the time in my clients and myself sometimes is the need to be right. Now let’s be honest. If you’ve been betrayed, you probably are right about many things. Your spouse lied to you, they cheated, they broke trust. But here’s the question I want you to ask yourself. Is proving your right helping you heal? And I’m gonna challenge you, it’s probably not helping you. It might be hurting you and holding you back. Many couples get trapped in courtrooms instead of conversations. It’s like they’re bringing the proof, right? And we’re gonna have a debate about it. Who’s more right than the other person? They spend years arguing. You always, you never. If you would just admit instead of asking, what do I need right now? Or what would actually help us reconnect? So recognize anytime you’re using you never or you always, it’s not gonna get you anywhere, right? Because we never always or never do things. We sometimes, we oftentimes, we sometimes forget we’re human, remember? We’re not perfect. So here’s an example I want to give you. Imagine your spouse forgot to text you when they were running late. Instead of saying, I got scared when I didn’t hear from you, you say, see, this is exactly what you always do. Now you’re arguing about whether they always do it instead of talking about how you have a lot of fear in their being late, right? Being right feels powerful, but connection is actually more powerful. So really start listening to how you’re communicating, how you’re speaking. I would do a check-in, right? What am I really feeling? What do I really want to say to my spouse? And decide is this worth the fight? Right. Instead of asking who’s right, ask what would help us reconnect. And I really love the thought, and I share it often with my clients is what if you’re both right and you’re both wrong about any given situation? Because we all have a different perspective, we all have a different idea. And of course, there are some things that are facts, but oftentimes what we’re arguing about are just thoughts. There are opinions. And so there isn’t really a right or wrong, anyways. And remember, if you are a couple, if you’re in a marriage, you’re on the same team. So what are you really trying to get said or felt or heard?
Losing Strategy Two Control And Safety
Number two, the losing strategy number two, controlling your partner. This one is incredibly common after betrayal. Your nervous system has learned if I can just control enough, I’ll finally feel safe. So we become detectives. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It for sure sounds familiar to me. We check their phones, we track locations, ask the same question 20 different ways. We need constant reassurance. Again, this isn’t because you’re crazy. It’s because your survival brain is terrified. The problem is control never creates trust. Trust has to be rebuilt in moments. Okay. So think of this is just a scenario, an example. Your spouse is golfing. Instead of saying, have fun, your brain says, Who are they with? Can I track them? Should I drive by? Should I check my find my iPhone app? Those behaviors temporarily reduce anxiety, but they never actually heal anxiety. The goal isn’t to become a better detective. The goal is becoming emotionally safer inside yourself. So you want to be more honest, right? Hey, I have this urge to, you know, drive by the golf course to make sure you’re there. Maybe this is what I need from you. Could you, if I text you, could you send me a picture, whatever you need, just be honest instead of trying to control the scenario and just pretending you’re fine because you aren’t fine and that’s okay.
Losing Strategy Three Emotional Dumping
Number three, the losing strategy number three, unbridled self-expression. This one sounds healthy. I just need to tell them exactly how I feel. Actually, not always. I think Terry Real calls this emotional vomiting, and this can happen a lot, especially after betrayal. We dump every thought and every feeling onto another person without filtering whether it’s helpful. Oftentimes it isn’t helpful. Saying things like, you ruined my life, I hate you, you never loved me, you always choose yourself. Is there pain underneath these words? Absolutely. But those words rarely produce healing. So, an example of this. Imagine someone walking into the emergency room with a broken arm. Would the doctor scream, well, that was stupid? No, hopefully not. They would carefully assess what happened. Relationships heal the same way. We have to learn how to communicate pain instead of weaponizing it. A healthier version sounds like, I feel terrified. I don’t know if I can trust you. I need reassurance. That’s vulnerable, and vulnerability connects and attacks disconnect. So if you can remember that, how can I be as honest as I can in this moment? It feels scary and dangerous, but I promise that the more vulnerable you can be, the more connecting you can be with whoever you’re speaking with. And especially if you’re trying to reconcile in your marriage.
Losing Strategy Four Retaliation Urges
Losing strategy number four, retaliation. This is the mindset of if I’m hurting, I’m going to make sure you hurt too. It sounds like I’ll have an affair too. And I’ve heard this. It’s like, well, if they’re gonna cheat on me, I’m gonna cheat on them. Retaliation, never a good thing to do. It is a losing strategy. It will not go well for you or your family. I’ll ignore them. I’ll embarrass them. I’ll punish them. I completely understand this impulse. I felt it. Many of my clients have felt it, but retaliation doesn’t heal betrayal. And it will actually make it worse and your problems much worse. It multiplies your pain. Brene Brown says hurt people, hurt people. And I believe this is so true. The question becomes: do you want justice or do you want peace? And I did a podcast about this a few weeks ago. So go back and listen to that if you want to understand this concept more. Because they aren’t the same thing. And retaliation is a hundred percent a losing strategy and will not be helpful.
Losing Strategy Five Withdrawal And Walls
The last one, the losing strategy number five, is withdrawal. This strategy looks quiet, but it can be just as damaging. Instead of fighting, you disappear. You stop talking, stop asking for what you need, stop sharing. You build walls, you convince yourself, I don’t need anyone. I’ll never trust again. No one understands. The problem is healing happens in connection, not in isolation. So remember that. We need to connect to heal, not isolate. It feels safer, but it is not. An example of this is someone asks, How are you doing? You respond, I’m fine. Meanwhile, you’re falling apart inside. That wall may protect you from disappointment, but it also keeps love out. And it keeps you from connecting with someone else and being vulnerable. And it’s just not gonna help.
The Need Under Every Strategy
Here’s something I want you to remember. Every single one of these losing strategies started as protection. So don’t judge yourself. Understand, like, oh, okay, I see why I was doing this. Being right protects us from vulnerability, control protects us from uncertainty. Unfiltered expression protects us from bottling things up. Retaliation protects us from feeling powerless. Withdrawal protects us from being hurt again. The strategy isn’t the problem. It’s that it no longer works. Awareness is the first step towards change. The next time you notice yourself saying you always, or reaching for your spouse’s phone, or shutting down, pause, ask yourself, what am I actually needing right now? I think this is such a great question to ask yourself a lot. Usually underneath every losing strategy is a very human need. You need safety, you need connection, you need comfort, you need understanding, you need love. When you learn to ask directly for what you need, instead of using these losing strategies, everything begins to change. And even if your partner isn’t willing to meet any of your needs, first of all, validate yourself. Show yourself love, show yourself, create safety inside of yourself. Find a friend, connect with your kids, connect with your relatives, connect with neighbors. You can find connection. If you need that, look for it. You will find it everywhere. People are so lonely and starving for connection, find it, but find it in healthy ways. Okay, if you recognized yourself in one or more of these strategies, please know you’re not alone. Every one of us uses them at times, including me. The good news is that these patterns can be changed.
Coaching Invite Subscribe And Next Week
If you’re healing from betrayal and want help breaking free from these cycles, I’d love to support you. Schedule a free coaching call using the link in my show notes, and we’ll talk about where you are in your healing, what’s keeping you stuck, and the next step that can help you move towards peace. And if this episode was helpful, I’d love for you to share it with your family and friends. And for sure, please subscribe because next week is the continuation of my series, and I’m going to share with you the relationship grid. And that grid, there’s going to be a quiz attached to my show notes, and you’ll be able to take it and see how on your worst day, how you show up and how you can start showing up in better and healthier ways. Thanks so much for being here, and I will talk to you next week. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
