The Grief Behind Going No Contact With A Parent: With my Special Guest Meghan Townsend

Welcome to my podcast. Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast Today.

Today I have a special guest on my podcast. I’m so excited. She has been on before, but she is my daughter, one of my daughters, and I’m really happy to have her. I’ve introduced her before, but Megan, she lives with me and she is the one that is my personal chef and grocery store guru, who I’ve talked about many times and I’m just so grateful for. But Megan is the most amazing young woman in my opinion and she has done a lot, a lot of work and I’m just really proud of her and I’m proud of where she is going, and so we’ve been talking about some things Today.

Actually, we’re recording on Father’s Day and I was sitting in church and of course everyone is standing up there, you know telling how amazing their own fathers were. And I just I sat there and I felt a little sad because not everyone experiences fathers like everyone else, right? Not everyone has an amazing dad and parenting is hard and problematic and of course, that’s the right thing to say. Like we’re supposed to say like oh my gosh, my dad was amazing thing to say. Like we’re supposed to say like oh my gosh, my dad was amazing, and think of all these things. But I also just sat there and had a lot of compassion for people at church on Father’s Day that you know it’s a hard day. It could be hard for many reasons. Some people aren’t able to have children, they weren’t able to be a dad or they just really had a mean dad or abusive dad. I mean lots of reasons why you might not like your dad, and I think we need to give space to people in our lives that don’t have the same experience with parents as we do, and it’s really hard when you have parents that you struggle with. I think every child wants a mom and a dad and sometimes I know for myself I’m just going to speak for myself I didn’t show up for my kids all the time as a really amazing mom. I did a lot of mistakes, and so I believe it’s a parent’s job to do that repair.

So, anyways, that being said, megan and I have been talking and so she’s like Mom, we should do a podcast on this. I’m like, I love it, let’s do a podcast. So, megan, tell us some of your thoughts about parents. What have you been thinking? Well, that was a nice introduction. Yeah, interesting that we’re recording this on father’s day, and I feel like the same goes for mother’s day, that you know some people have a hard time with their mom or whatever, so that day might be hard for them for whatever reason. Yeah, I feel like you and I have just talked a lot about the rise it feels like of adult children being more like estranged from their parents. Yeah, I see content all the time, and it’s probably because that’s what I follow. I see lots of content on betrayal, right, because that’s kind of what my niche is. But, yeah, I think a lot more people are stepping away from their families, and so Megan had some great insights of why she thinks that is, so share that with my audience, meg. Well, I feel like part of it that we’ve discussed before.

Privately is, of course, just the time that we’re living in, with all the great technological advances, and while it is great to have like immediate ways to like contact friends and family and like really anyone in the world via like social media or calling or text or whatever, I feel like the downside, one of the downsides to it, when it comes to if you have a difficult relationship with a family member, is that I mean, not that long ago, when you were, you know, growing up or whatever, when you were in college et cetera really most people that are older than me you might only see your family like once a year, like after you probably graduate high school and you might move out, go to college or or do whatever, and I feel like in my mind, it’s probably a lot easier to have that kind of societal world set up if you do have a difficult family member relationship. Of course I can see that that like also could be sad if, like, you’re really close to your family and you probably forever wanted to like always talk to them. But for me, I feel like I just think a lot of time like oh, like I’m sure it would have been easier for adult children if you know when you had to pay for texting, pay for phone calls. You probably didn’t do that too much, maybe once a week if you were lucky, once a month, more likely and then you probably saw each other, like during the holidays, like during the holidays, and that probably still could have been too much for some people. Like I don’t, I don’t know, I was born in the year 2000. So I don’t really know what it’s like. Yeah, I agree with that, meg, because back in my day right, I had to pay, you had a calling card you could call after like eight o’clock and so there wasn’t such a pressure.

I think right now people feel a lot of obligation and pressure to talk to their parents and some people don’t feel that, but I think the ones that have maybe a strange relationship or they don’t really love talking to their family. It brings up a lot of turmoil and pain, that pressure because it’s so easy Someone can text you at any moment and if you’re having a moment and you get a text from someone, it can really trigger you, don’t you think? And it’s like you don’t wanna block them, but it’s like you don’t really want them to just have access to anytime that they feel like having access. Is that fair? Yeah, yeah, I feel like that’s definitely a good way to put it because of course, I mean, like myself included, like I would say majority of the time, like I would be like maybe that’s rude to block someone or whatever. You know, I’m like I usually don’t block people on social media or like in my contacts or whatever, and I would you know I bet most people would also consider that rude.

But again, sometimes those precautions like have to be taken because if you have a difficult family member, whether it be like a parent or even maybe just like someone in your life, that’s difficult again, it’s hard to then know that they have access to you pretty much at all times and it doesn’t mean you have to answer their phone or their text or, you know, you can like unfollow them on Instagram or whatever if you don’t want to see them. But it’s still like the everyday pressure and I feel like lots of parents probably forget, like what it was like for them growing up, because sometimes I think, oh, I wonder how you, as my mom or my dad or you know anyone, like all of your friends, like anyone your guys’s age, how many of you really wanted to talk to your mom or dad like every day, all day, all the time, yeah, and do you think parents are expecting that or what do you? What do you think? I think, obviously, since, like pretty much everyone always has their phone on them, so it’s easy really for anyone, I think, to get upset if you don’t text back right away or text back at all, something like that if you’re trying to get a hold of someone and you know there could be lots of different reasons for that. But again, because we’re all so used to being so connected all the time, you know, like when I wasn’t living at home, I’m like, of course now I see and talk to you every day, but when I wasn’t at home, it’s like if I didn’t call you that day, you know, it’s like what happened and I think that’s normal and I, the thing is, I’m like, of course I like talking to you, so I’m like, really at any point in my life that I haven’t lived at home, like I did like choose to call you every day. But you know, sometimes it’s just like it gets busy or whatever.

And yeah, and I think parents, sometimes we make it mean something about us and then we create all this unnecessary pain and irritation for ourselves as well as our kids. Because we’re like why didn’t you text me? And also you know if we have like find your iPhone right, which tracking or whatever for your kids. And you’re like your kids and you’re like look at it. And you’re like why are you here? Right? So that also feels like kind of maybe an invasion of your privacy. You’re like mom, don’t pay attention to where I am. I’m allowed to be wherever I want to be in my life. Right, I’m an adult.

So I think a lot of boundary issues, too, could be problematic. Yeah, definitely, because, again, the like find my friends. A lot of people will like share the location with their friends or family members. Because, of course, like I think it was made and it’s useful, because it can be like a safety precaution. I’m like, yeah, it’s nice to know, but then again, I think the boundaries get a little more harder to keep when you know if your children are adults and whether they live with you or not. It’s the you know. I’m willing to like most the time at least, for I’m like I’m never really doing anything like malicious or whatever, and like I’m willing to put like most of the time, at least for me, I’m like I’m never really doing anything like malicious or whatever and like I’m not out breaking the law or anything but again, same with like most of like well, all of my friends, you know, I’m like we’re all just very like your normal average adults, and then so it can be like annoying. Again, it feels like an invasion of privacy, feels like a boundary is being crossed.

If it’s like someone’s parent is like where are you? You didn’t talk to me today. You know, why are you out so late? And something like that. When you’re like I’m an adult, why are you even like only look at my location if I’ve been missing for 24 hours, like I don’t know, or you don’t always need to know everything, especially when, again, if you try to think back of when you were a young adult, like yeah, we didn’t, I mean back in the day, it’s like your mom had no idea where you were until you showed up on the doorstep, right?

So, yeah, I think it’s a good conversation to have with your kids, don’t you think it’d be helpful as, especially adult children and parents having this conversation like, okay, I’m fine if you know where I’m at, but you don’t need to question like, unless you’re concerned, like I do, just since my kids live with me, I like them to text me when they’re home or if someone’s staying the night besides them, just so I know like who’s in my house and is everyone home. Just so, if I hear the door open at two in the morning, I don’t I, just my brain already knows like, oh no, it’s just one of my kids coming home. So there’s like common courtesy and then a boundary that’s being crossed. Do you think? Yeah, I mean, of course, since me and then my two younger brothers live with you, I’m sure across the line way too much. I’m sure I do. I’m sure I line way too much, I’m sure I do. I’m sure I overset my boundaries. I’m trying not to.

No, I actually wasn’t going to say that. Oh, you weren’t going to say that. Tell me what you’re going to say. I mean, yeah, I’m sure, but no, I’m thinking like, if anyone like does have adult children that live with them, like our family, you know, and like you’re right, it can be hard to like not for probably both, like parents and kids, to like step into that like more, like younger child role, to like parent wall, I think you’re still always their parent, they’re still always your kid, but I think it’s healthier for both parents and adult children to try to. I mean, it’s going to look different for every household, so have your own boundaries and stuff but I feel like I try, I feel like we try to make it feel like if I was in college or if I was living you know an apartment somewhere and I had roommates like what would become a courtesy for them.

Because, again, when I was in college, living with roommates, of course the typical thing was like if you’re gonna be out late and you know, like I don’t need to know everything about you. But of course, if we all lived it like I’m like I want to know if someone’s gonna sleep over or I want to know if you’re gonna come home late and whatever, but I feel like anything besides that would probably, in most cases, be then crossing the boundary. It’s a bit too much, especially unless you want to share like hey, mom, oh, my gosh, I went to this amazing concert. Let me tell you all about it. Like that’s different, right? Yeah, so yeah, because I feel like a lot of parents, just from what I hear about, honestly, like if it’s your friends that come over people in the neighborhood or just really like any adult.

I know like my friends talking about their parents, right, like it can be hard, especially to like let your kids grow up and become adults and become more themselves, and so like I see where it can be probably frustrating and triggering for parents. But I think to like hard for parents it’s like wait, I planned your life this way and now you’re living this way. What’s wrong? And it’s thinking something’s gone wrong. It’s like, no, this is the way of it. This is their adults. They get to choose their path. Yes, yes, because I feel like that’s something I hear a lot in conversations that I’ll you know and talk about things, circumsperity or whatever.

But and I’m like and it can be funny to be like, oh, if my kids would have, just, you know, done things differently or whatever but even if you’re like saying that as a joke or you probably like really think it, and I’m like it’s probably not gonna help bridge the gap between you and your kids, if you’re subconsciously thinking like they’re doing it wrong, they’re doing it wrong like why you know what’s wrong and what did I do? Yeah, if you’re making about yourself, if you’re making their choices about you. If you’re thinking all of their choices are wrong because you would plan their life differently and you probably did and that’s probably upsetting. Just parents with, like, especially like young adult children just have a hard time letting go of the control that they had when they were younger and it’s a beautiful experience. It’s hard, but I think work worth doing. If you’re struggling with this Definitely and you might need outside help, right, I feel like a coach for me. I get coached a lot on my how to be a better mom to my kids and so I think it’s really helpful.

So, megan, why do you think people start going no contact? Because I think there’s a lot of no contact estrangement. We kind of talked a little bit but like, why does that feel safer to go no contact than to do like a little contact? Or you know what I mean. Yeah, well, I don’t. We wanted me to come and talk about this because out of your four kids so me and my siblings I’m the only one that’s no contact with our dad, and that’s been almost two years of me going no contact with him, and so I feel like since I made that decision, I’ve, of course, you know, just follow a lot of things on social media, so I hear a lot about it and I feel like it is I mean, for me it’s nice to know that, like I’m not the only one that I feel like a lot of adult kids are choosing to go, no contact with their parents.

Even though I’m like it is like I agree that it is sad and I wish everyone grew up in like a nice, loving home and we all just wanted to hang out with our families all the time. But I feel like when I get asked about it because I do, you know, in my everyday life people if they find out I don’t talk to my dad, they’ll ask why, whatever, and depending who they are, I may or may not give as much detail, but I feel like and I know from a parent’s point of view that is probably upsetting, but I think from what I see like on the internet and stuff of parents getting mad about their kids, cutting them off or whatever, they kind of lack the looking like reflecting on themselves of what they did, and I’m sure there’s like some case out there where it’s like the child’s a terrible person or whatever. Because again, I’m like children grow up to be adults and maybe someone’s kid is really like a criminal murderer person and you’re like, where did you go wrong? But I feel like, especially for really all the people, I know I’m like your kids are fine. You know like you might not agree with everything, but you know I’m like. You know, if they’re not on heroin, like I think, I think they’re, they’re doing good, yeah, do you feel like it was emotional? It was more, it wasn’t physical safety, it was emotional safety. Oh yeah, so, yeah, so I get. Some people might choose to go no contact with someone for physical safety, which makes perfect sense, and I feel like the world is more like accepting of that. Yes, you know, it’s more of like a clear thing, especially if, like, if you have they were beating you up and yeah, and it’s like visible to people, yes, and or if you tell people that and you know it’s like, oh, my like, of course you have to like physically separate yourself from someone that’s physically abusing you. So I feel like it is harder, because I feel like more nowadays it’s people also cutting off people going on contact with their parents for more like emotional reasons, like emotional abuse, and I feel like that’s harder for people to understand, especially like older generations, because, again, I know every generation and every person really thinks differently.

Yeah, about things I think, like religiously, like we grew up, our families forever right, like families are the most important thing. And so when that is not the case anymore, do you think it adds a little more like weight to it? Like what do you mean meaning? Like because you were raised one way, that our family is forever, and then now you’re choosing to go no contact, do you think it feels heavier or no, that didn didn’t matter. No, I think it does.

I mean, I think what a lot of people may or may not realize is that it is a really hard decision for adult children, like especially the dynamic of adult children with their parents. If they do choose to go no contact. I feel like maybe for the parent it might feel out of nowhere. Or again, if you are just like running into people in life and you tell them you don’t talk to you know one or both of your parents anymore, it might be shocking because again, again, it’s not the norm for most people, no matter how you were raised. And again, if people don’t know your life or how you grew up or whatever, because most people outside, they don’t know what’s going on in the home. It’s so it’s hard to like you know, and you also probably don’t want to like overshare, to like everyone in the world like your whole life story.

But I feel like it is harder, especially just growing up, being like families are forever, which, again, it’s one of those things where it’s a very like nice, sweet thing that, yeah, it sounds really nice until it’s not. Yeah, yeah, I feel like it is, which there’s nothing super wrong with being idealistic, whatever. Like, again, I wish everyone could have the ideal, perfect family and you, everyone gets along. But I’m like, I feel like every family has struggles, obviously, no matter what they are, and so I feel like to put on people like, oh, families are forever.

I think it puts a lot of like pressure on the adult children to be the fixers or to kind of put them in the role that they probably were for a lot of their life of meeting their parents’ needs, whatever that was. And I feel like a lot of people you know you grow up one way and we all, I feel like, whatever childhood experience we all have, there’s some level, like everyone experiences some level of trauma, like no parent is going to say the perfect thing every single time they talk to their kid, and you know there’ll always be things to like work through through. But I feel like a lot of these adults are like me, like going to therapy a lot and learning more about themselves, and then again, honestly, maybe it’s like their brain is fully developed now and just stuff that you, being more an adult and out in the world, you realize, and then you can reflect back on your child and be like that wasn’t okay. I think I was just in survival mode like that, like I thought that was normal my whole life. Now I’m older and I’ve different thoughts. Yeah, yeah, I’ve told friends stuff that you know it’s like, oh, you know you could easily, you know, be like at a party and be like, oh my gosh, my mom did this, my dad did this or whatever, and you’re like that’s so funny. And then people look at you and you’re like, okay, that wasn’t normal, like yeah, thanks so much for sharing, meg.

Like I know, it’s not easy, like you said, to go no contact. Do you think it’s possible to like do you think once you go no contact, you could never build that bridge again, or do you think it’s possible for people to build a bridge and what do you think that? Yeah, I think it is possible, yeah, yeah, short answer it’s possible. I would say probably unlikely. Because, again, I like to think like do I believe people can change? Yes, of course, willing to put in the work to actually change, and because it is hard, no matter who you are, to reflect on yourself and what you did wrong and that, and I feel like a lot of people, no matter what age they are, really lack that, whatever it is, emotional intelligence or self-awareness to do that. So I believe it’s possible for people to change. I just think it is unlikely. I think most people will just choose not to change and to blame and whatever.

For me, I’m always honest with people. If I have to tell someone new in my life that I don’t, I’m not currently talking to my dad. Again, I think, like for me and for anyone else who’s made that decision, it is a hard decision that maybe people don’t realize, like it’s usually not something that you just wake up and decide one day and I get a lot of feedback, you know or people, just people, just you know giving me like unsolicited advice of well, like could you try? And I’m thinking I did try, like I for myself and I don’t like share it with everyone you know on the street, but I’m like I know for me, I really tried for a year and then after that, like that was as long as I was willing to put in and you know, for me that was it again. And then I tell people I’m very honest and I’m like I know my dad would absolutely have a relationship with me if I wanted to, you know, contact him and or show up at his door or whatever. So I’m very honest.

I tell people that like it was 100% by decision to that my siblings all talk to our dad, you know, see him, whatever. And I’ve had to accept that you know every well, yes, my, me and all my siblings become from the same mom and dad, but every, really every child has a different set of parents. So I just had to accept that. You know what, like my issues with my dad aren’t the same as my siblings’ issues and they probably have different issues with you or dad or whoever that I don’t have. So I think that’s another thing. People will ask me it’s like, what about your siblings? And I say like no, like they all talk to him, they do holidays with him, you know, and well, and. But they all have a very different kind. Everyone has their own relationship, yeah, with like that’s just our family experience.

But I’m just thinking like again, it can be hard if you’re an adult child, one, to cut off your parents. And then also it’s the fear of how is that going to affect my siblings, or if you feel any kind of like resentment, of like why, why aren’t my siblings like me, or whatever. So I feel like because really in any family, everyone has their own experience and so, yes, I’m like I don’t, you know, resent my siblings at all or anything, because I’m like I know their issues aren’t my issues and you know, and I feel like I’m also very clear of you don’t need to lie about me again. I’m like I’ve just had to accept that. I’m like if I get brought up in conversation in a room, I’m not in, like that’s fine and I’ll never know and I don’t ask, you know, because I’m like I just had to be more confident in my decision and who I am and you know how I like to think my siblings know me and see me, and so I’ve told them like no one needs to lie for me or protect me or anything like that. And then I feel like I also try, like I also like I’m not out trying to, like you know, bring up my issues with with our dad, even though it’s like, oh, we have the same dad. But I’m like, okay, again, I don’t need, I don’t feel the need to like go tell all my siblings all of my issues with him. It’s one thing if I feel like I really only for me talk about him if my siblings break him up, and really most of the time I try to be very impartial, very neutral and like listen to if they have something exciting to share or, you know, negative to share, whatever it is. And you know I try to look at it like really objectively and but of course I’m not gonna lie either if they ask me something, if I have issues or whatever, like I’ll be honest with my siblings and that’s what’s worked for me. But yeah, I would feel like something that’s really misunderstood about estranged adult children is again like what I said earlier is that it didn’t come out of nowhere they probably had been trying.

About. Estranged adult children is again like what I said earlier is that it didn’t come out of nowhere. They probably had been trying to work out some sort of relationship somehow, you know, for a while and then you know everyone has their last straw, whatever it is. And I think there are people that again, like might block their parents or something and then like, come back and whatever, like, I think obviously people can change both ways. But I think, again, it’s hard for people to kind of conceptualize of younger generations being like. I didn’t feel emotionally safe with my parents and I feel like the common rhetoric of like older generations talking down to younger generations, of like but they’re your parents and honestly, like, I think I’m like to be fair. Your parents probably weren’t great either and I’m sorry you didn’t have the resources. Yeah well, that needs to go to acknowledge that. But just because you had to again, you didn’t realize if your parents were bad or you’re like. That was just the way it is. I’m like.

I think it’s a newer thing again, with all of the information that we have to have, there are people being like no, I’m not accepting that. Like, I’m choosing how I’m going to let people treat me in my life, no matter who they are and no matter how old you get, it’s still you’re the child, they’re the parent. It’s not your responsibility to like take care of their feelings or anything like that. Like, if you feel like you’re the only one trying to really have, like have a relationship yeah, relationship or whatever in some healthy way, then you know everyone has their breaking point and I feel like a lot of people again might be trying with their parents for a while and they just see they just have to accept, okay, maybe my parents won’t change and I just have to accept that and I have to move on with.

I think another thing people can misconstrue, I guess, is, again, it’s not a new decision, but then also it’s like it comes from a place of like hate and that might be true for someone, but and I don’t think hate is always like a bad thing I think you know you have to feel all your emotions but again, like I never say I hate my dad because I just never have felt that that was true for me again, it’s been almost like two years and I feel like that’s been a whole range of emotions and like a grieving process for me, because that that really is what. What it is kind of the closest experience I could say to like how adult children feel it. It is a kind of grieving process, just like when someone dies or if you have a breakup or whatever, and I feel like the hardest emotions to like navigate is again for me, I’m like, I don’t feel like me. Hating my dad is my truth and I am hurt if someone thinks that of me because really, like, what I have come to realize is that I’m like, no, I love my dad, but it really just came to a point for me that I had to love me more. I had to realize the negative effects it was having on my life. And again people asked if I would ever reach out to him or again find a relationship and I’m like I I don’t know. I say no for right now, because that’s my truth right now, because again I don’t see my dad as he is right now changing and I know that’s how it is for a lot of people’s parents.

Because I feel like you know I try to live by the philosophy of like you can say sorry and that you know it’s kind of like a band-aid a little bit, but especially when, depending how much trauma has happened or whatever it’s really I feel like the only true apology is change is like changed behavior, and I think that’s what a lot of parents are really missing, because even if you can sit down and listen to your kids and feel like that wasn’t okay or whatever when I was younger and it might feel like out of nowhere for you because you’re thinking, why are you bringing this up? It was 10 years ago, like, but for them again, they might just be again more like fully grown now, like their brains probably fully developed now and that they’ve experienced life outside of your family dynamic things have. Probably, you know, they see things differently now and they want to address it with you. I think most of the time, people I think it’s very natural and biological to like want to be with your parent, with your family, and so most kids probably they want to sit down with you and talk to you. But again, it’s hard and you can only do it so many times if, even if they’re listening to you and they’re like, oh sorry, like I apologize, I don’t remember that or whatever it is, but the apology doesn’t really stick if you keep doing the same things and I feel like really any other relationship in anyone’s life a lot of people would look at a lot of these behaviors that a lot of these parents are like perpetrating, and they would be like that’s weird, that’s wrong or whatever. And I feel like that was something that had a mind shift for me is that I was thinking, would I let anyone else treat me the way I feel, like my parents treating me? And the answer was no, and so I think that is a hard concept for people to realize, especially if you do come from a great, loving family and I’m like happy for you. But I think just having the reflection of not every family might be like yours, like some, you really never know what’s happening in someone’s home. Yeah Well, megan, I you know, I love you and I’ve been on this journey with you and you’ve been on this journey with me. We’ve been on this journey together as a family and I’m just really grateful that you have been willing to do the work, find your truth like just so proud of you, so proud of who you’re becoming and your strength. I think you’re such a good example to your friends and to other people, to your siblings, for sticking to what you believe is true and what feels safe and best for you, which is very admirable, because we have lots of people pleasers in this world and a lot of people just doing things for outward appearance, but you’re focused on your inside and I just love that so much. So thanks so much. Loved having you today recording in our in-house podcast studio our makeshift one.

I think this topic is especially in. Divorce is probably more common than we think and you might have children that have had this experience. And if you are the parent that is estranged, if you want to ever have a relationship with your child, I think do a lot of inside work and there is help out there and hire a coach. Go to a therapist, learn to understand trauma and learn to understand repair. I think I’ve had to do a lot of repair with my kids because I raised them in a home that was unhealthy and I didn’t know how unhealthy it was until I got out of it, and so I’m just so grateful that I finally had the courage to leave and create a safe space for me and my kids emotionally safe space and I’m not perfect no one is, we’re all learning and growing but I’m just so thankful.

If you need help, if you need someone to walk with you, guide you. I would love to be your coach. I love helping people on their journey, especially with betrayal, with divorce, all the things. Life is complicated and nuanced, but this generation is really incredible and if we can, you know, have their perspective, sometimes a little bit more, and be willing to get help and to create the change that we want in our life, it’s totally possible. Thanks so much for listening and I will talk to you next week. Have a beautiful day and talk to you soon. If you want to learn how to live happily even after. Sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.