Welcome to Happily Even After Betrayal with Life Coach Jen. This podcast is where we talk about betrayal and divorce and what it actually looks like to live through those experiences while still being a parent, a grandparent, a partner, or just a human trying to keep it all together. If your heart feels shattered, your nervous system feels dysregulated, and your future feels unclear, you’re in the right place. Here we focus on understanding what happened so you can rebuild your identity, restore your confidence, and find peace. So you can create your happily even after one episode at a time.
Why The Relationship Grid Helps
Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So today is the second part of my three-part series. I’m going to talk about the relationship grid. This is also something I’m learning in my new coach training program with Terry Real. And I will put the, I’m going to hopefully put a PDF in the show notes so you can see it, and as well as there’s a quiz for you to take. So I’m going to explain to you what it is. And then as I go along, if I have any other thoughts, I’ll make sure that you can understand where this is coming from. But I think it’s a really helpful tool. I’ve already, we’ve had a lot of aha moments as I presented it to my clients this past week, as well as myself. And it’s fascinating. So I hope you enjoy it as well. But have you ever found yourself thinking, I’ve become someone I don’t even recognize? Maybe you’re yelling, maybe you’re shutting down, maybe you’re constantly apologizing, maybe you’re trying to control everything. If you’ve experienced betrayal, divorce, or chronic relationship pain, chances are you’ve spent some time somewhere on Terry Real’s relationship grid. And the thing is, you didn’t even know. So I’m so excited. I’m going to share with you so you can know now. The goal isn’t to figure out what’s wrong with you, the goal is awareness because awareness creates choice and choice creates healing.
Shame Grandiosity Boundaries Explained
So the relationship grid has two different directions. The first one is one up, which Terry calls grandiosity. And this sounds like I matter more. And the second one, the one down, is shame. You matter more. Then there are two ways to protect ourselves: boundaryless on one axis and walled off on the other. So think of a grid and one axis, the vertical axis is grandiosity at the top of the axis and shame at the bottom. And then on the horizon axis is boundaryless and walled off. Okay, so hopefully you can visualize that. When you combine them, you get four quadrants. Every single one of us moves around the grid. And think of the center part of the grid is healthy relationships, and that is our goal. Okay. No one lives in one box forever. Stress moves us, trauma moves us, betrayal definitely moves us. The goal isn’t perfection. The goal is learning how to come back to the center of a healthy relationship. Okay.
Quadrant One Control Without Boundaries
So in quadrant one, you have grandiosity and boundaryless. Okay. That means you don’t know how to have a boundary. Okay. And this quadrant really craves connection. So this person would be a bully. This person believes I’m right. I know best. If everyone would just do things my way, we’ll all be fine. This person usually has poor boundaries because they insert themselves in everyone else’s life. Does this sound familiar? Does this sound like sometimes you’re this person? And I’m not here to judge you, and I don’t want you to judge you, but I just want you to be curious and become very aware. People say things like, you never, you always, I’m only trying to help. If you just listen to me, I know what’s best. Right? Do you know people like this? I definitely do. Some examples are someone has an affair. Instead of taking responsibility, they say, if you had paid more attention to me, I wouldn’t have cheated. Or a betrayed spouse starts managing everyone’s healing. They’re reading every book, they’re sending podcasts, they’re giving lectures, they’re checking phones, they’re checking locations, trying to control every outcome. This comes from fear, but it still creates disconnection. And underneath all of this is control, fear, and feeling unsafe. So instead of asking, how do I make them change? Ask, what am I afraid would happen if I stopped controlling? What emotions am I trying to avoid? So be curious. You’re gonna take a quiz, and in the quiz, I want you to be curious about this. When you discover what quadrant you’re in, don’t be upset, don’t be angry, be interesting. Oh, I see that. Or wow, I’m really surprised, whatever. But I just want you to understand this because the only way we can change is when we become aware of what we are doing now, so we can choose to be different.
Quadrant Two The Lone Wolf Shutdown
Okay, quadrant two grandiosity and walled off. Okay. This person is the lone wolf. These people are still one up, they think they’re better than everyone else, but instead of controlling everyone, they disconnect. They’re kind of on their own, right? From everyone. What it sounds like is I don’t need anyone. I’ll figure it out. I’m fine. I’m done talking. Whatever. What it looks like stonewalling, silent treatment, emotional distance, never asking for help, never apologizing, keeping everyone at arm’s length. Do you know anyone like this? I definitely do. Are you like this? If you are, that’s okay. But just be curious. And there’s a good reason why we act out this way, right? There is reason, but we can be different and we can become better. So, a real life example: your spouse cheated. Instead of processing, you decide I’ll never trust another human again. I don’t need anybody. You become emotionally unavailable. Not because you don’t care, because you’re terrified. And underneath all this is your pain, your fear, vulnerability feels dangerous. So when you’re in grandiosity and walled off, you’re in isolation. And when you’re in grandiosity boundaryless, you need other people so you can feel loved and you’re lacking connection. You want connection. So you can you see how a couple that one is grandiosity walled off, and one is grandiosity boundaryless, how that is like a magnet that is not connecting, it is disconnecting. So now we’re moving on to quadrant three. Quadrant
Quadrant Three People Pleasing And Shame
three is shame plus boundaryless. So it’s right underneath grandiosity, and then the next thing is shame on the vertical axis. So below this is shame. This person is the people pleaser. This is probably the most common place I see betrayed spouses. And when I did the quiz, this is where I landed and it resonated a lot with me. Core belief, I don’t matter. Now, I’m just gonna say I’ve done so much work that I don’t live here anymore, but I tried to answer my quiz, the unhealed version of me, because to be honest, we all have moments of unhealed our unhealed self. This is us on our worst day. So not us on our best day, right? On our best day, we can regulate our emotions and we show up differently. But this is me on my worst day. I don’t matter if I make everyone happy, then that’s all I need to do. Maybe I’ll finally be enough. What it sounds like is I’m sorry, it’s probably my fault. I don’t want to upset anyone. What do you want? I’ll be okay. And this is a side note, but it’s a story I thought of that years ago, right before I got divorced, I had an incident that I was, I’m pretty sure I’ve told this story. It was in my former spouse’s office building. I just wanted to see his affair partner. I approached her. It was it didn’t go well, right? I went into a lot of shame. But guess who was writing the apology letter? Me. And I I just I read this that made me think of that because I’m like, why am I sorry? Shouldn’t they be saying sorry to me, everyone in the office for not telling me about the affair and for having the affair in the first place? But here I’m the one feeling bad, and I’m the one apologizing to all these random people that I don’t even know. Because somehow I did something so terrible by approaching a woman that I thought was having an affair with my husband. And so I can see this. I was in shame and boundarylessness. Anyways, so what it looks like no boundaries, walking on eggshells. Does that sound familiar? I did that for decades. Constant apologizing, ignoring your own needs, overfunctioning, trying to earn love. Real life example. A spouse has an affair. The betrayed partner immediately wonders, what did I do wrong? What should I change? Maybe if I lose weight, maybe if I become easier. And so if this is you, I don’t want you to judge yourself. Have so much compassion, no kidding, right? And they they were giving you lots of reasons and evidence why you were this way, right? Why it had to be your fault, right? Why it wasn’t their fault. Underneath is fear of abandonment, feeling unworthy, childhood wounds. Healing happens when you start asking, what do I need? What do I want? What feels true to me? Tiny boundaries, tiny acts of self-respect. Those small moments rebuild your identity. Okay? Now
Quadrant Four The Invisible Person
the last quadrant is shame and walled off. This is quadrant number four. The invisible person. This person believes I don’t matter. So why even try? What it sounds like is nothing will change. It doesn’t matter. I’m exhausted, I’m broken, I’m too much, I’m not enough. Does that sound like you? What it looks like isolation, depression, giving up, avoiding relationships, avoiding conflict, not speaking your needs, not believing healing is possible. Some real life examples. After betrayal, someone stops dating, stops socializing, stops dreaming, stops hoping. Not because they don’t want connection, because they believe they’re not worthy of it. Healing is this isn’t about forcing confidence. It’s about practicing self-compassion. Small wins. Let someone help. Challenge the story that says you’re broken. So many of us have a lot of stories that we’ve created about ourselves. And I just want you to question are they even true? And chances are they’re not. They’re just a story, they’re not a fact. So to find out how to get into a healthy center, it’s a good news. The goal isn’t to stay out of every quadrant forever, right? We’re all gonna have moments, our lowest moments. Some of us land more often in a certain one. Mine was shame and boundaryless, but some of you might be grandiosity and boundaryless or grandiosity and walled off. That’s okay. But we want to get into the center. So everyone might be in different quadrants at different times, but the goal is to get back into the center. The healthy
The Functional Adult Healthy Center
place that Terry Real teaches is called the functional adult. This is where you can start believing, and I would call it our CEO brain, right? Getting into our CEO brain that you matter. I can have boundaries, I can stay connected, I can own my mistakes, I can hear your pain without collapsing. I don’t need to control, I don’t disappear, I don’t attack, and I don’t abandon myself. What healthy sounds like is I understand why you feel that way. I disagree, I’m willing to listen. I need a break. I made a mistake, I need support. I love you, and I’m still going to hold this boundary. Notice that healthy isn’t perfect, it’s flexible. Healthy is connected, and healthy is honest. And I believe the more honest you can be how you truly feel and what experience you’re having, the more connection you will create in your relationships.
Betrayal Exposes Patterns Boat Analogy
Why betrayal pushes us around the grid? One thing I want every listener to remember is betrayal doesn’t create these patterns, it exposes them. Okay, because we all have things in our life that teaches us different patterns and trauma pushes us into survival. Some people become controlling, some people become invisible, some people become disconnected, and some become people pleasers. None of these responses means you’re broken. They mean your nervous system is trying to protect you. The beautiful part is healing means learning new ways to relate to yourself, to your spouse, to your children, to the world. And so sometimes it exposes us in ways that feel very different, or like I said earlier, that we don’t even recognize ourselves, but I promise you can figure this out and you can figure out a different way. So I was thinking of an analogy. Imagine we are on a boat in the ocean and our boat capsizes, and all different people from these four quadrants are drowning. The shame boundaryless person grabs onto everyone else, trying to save them first, hoping someone will eventually save them. So can you see it? If you were a grandiosity and boundaryless person, this person is flailing wildly and grabbing onto everyone around them. If I can control everyone else, maybe I’ll survive. Their fear comes out of control. The shame and walled off person swims away from everyone because they believe no one would save them anyway. Both are hurting, both feel unworthy, and they’re just protecting themselves in opposite ways. Okay. And the grandiosity in walled off person, this person is also drowning, but instead of reaching for help, they swim away from everyone. But they think thoughts like, I’ve got this, I don’t need anyone, I’ll figure it out myself. Meanwhile, they’re exhausting themselves trying to survive alone, and their fear comes out. So I like analogies because it helps you kind of put something abstract, maybe more concrete, that you can envision. So healthy self-esteem and healthy boundaries is our goal. Okay. And just so you know, we have to create relational empowerment that says, I matter and so do you. I can ask for what I need without guilt. I can hear feedback without collapsing. All these come from a healthier self-esteem and healthy boundaries. I can be vulnerable without abandoning myself. I don’t have to earn love and I don’t have to hide from it. So
Weekly Challenge Quiz And Next Steps
here’s my challenge for you this week. Instead of asking, which one am I? Ask, where do I spend most of today? Because the answer may change tomorrow, right? It’s not like we’re gonna label you, but like which one are you most like? Notice your patterns with curiosity instead of criticism. Remember, awareness isn’t about creating shame. It’s about creating freedom. The moment you can recognize, oh, I’m slipping into people pleasing, or oh, I’m trying to control because I’m scared. You’ve already taken the first step towards change. Healing isn’t becoming perfect, healing is becoming more conscious. It’s learning to return to your healthiest self more quickly and more often. If you enjoyed this episode, I hope you did. I really enjoyed learning these new concepts. And I would love to help you learn and grow and strengthen your relationship with yourself as well as in your marriage. So sign up for a free call and let’s chat. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. And just remember, next week I’m going to talk about family systems. And that’s gonna be like the third part of this series, and it’s gonna be really helpful. And so I hope you tune in for next week. Thanks so much for being here and have a beautiful day. Thanks for listening to this week’s episode of Happily Even After Betrayal. If you want to understand what stage of betrayal you’re in, head to my website at lifecoachgen.com. That’s Jen with one N, and take the free quiz. It’s a simple step you can take today toward creating your own happily even after.
