Unlocking Healthier Relationships: Understanding Attachment Styles and Their Impact

Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.

 

So today I’m going to talk about attachment theory and I’m guessing you’ve all heard about it and I’m just going to be the first to tell you I’m not an expert on attachment theory and before I start I’m just going to tell you a few thoughts that I have. I think it is helpful to understand and figure out maybe your attachment right what attachment style? There are a lot of people out there. I’ve met one recently. She helps you date to someone that’s going to be a good fit with your attachment style. So yeah, I think it’s helpful. I’ve done years of therapy and I’ve never once to my therapist talked about my attachment style and I was thinking I’m like, oh, maybe I should make an appointment and have her like maybe we explore this. I think by reading this I can for sure, kind of identify some things. But also my other thought is your attachment style, I believe, is very much affected by who you marry, is very much affected by who you marry. I might be wrong about this, but you know I married a man that lied to me, gaslit, manipulated, had multiple affairs. So, yeah, that creates a lot of anxiety and abandonment and fear and questioning. Do I think I was like that before? No, I don’t think I was like that before. No, I don’t. I think now that I’m divorced, I feel very differently. Now, I think it is helpful information. I don’t think you should die on your sword with your attachment style and make it your identity. Like don’t say this is who you are. Right, this is, this is something, a learned behavior. Yes, it’s happened when you were younger. But I think to realize like no, you could change different things, right, like it doesn’t have to be, this is your. Like, I’m Jennifer, I’m a woman and I’m a secure attachment, right, like, like it’s not your identity. I just think that might be unhelpful. Now, that may be helpful for you and if it is, go for it, but I just don’t know if that is going to be as helpful, but we’re going to talk about it, okay.

 

Secure attachment People that have a secure attachment style are comfortable with intimacy and autonomy, meaning they’re okay being by themselves, they have a positive self-image and they’re able to communicate their needs and emotions and form trusting relationships. So the ideal I’m going to say this is the best attachment style to have, right, but I’m guessing there’s a lot of overlap. Secure attachment is what we all strive for. Babies who form secure attachments to their primary caregiver are more likely to become adults who confidently seek out healthy relationships with others and are reliable and loving partners themselves. Yes, I agree and I feel like, because I was a stay-at-home mom when I had all four of my babies, I feel like I created a very secure attachment for my kids. However, now in their 20s, they have a lot of abandonment issues. So I think life can alter, yes, how you were when you were a baby, but I don’t know if it carries over. I don’t know. You can email me and tell me I’m wrong. It’s okay.

 

So babies, they form secure attachments when their caregivers consistently fulfill a baby’s physical and emotional needs. So you can go back and think when you’re a baby. Ask your mom, right? Or it could be stems from when you’re a baby, did your caregiver meet all your physical and emotional needs? Babies who are securely attached prefer their primary caregiver over other people and are calmed by their presence. Okay, so I think this would be good information.

 

If you’re newly married, you’re getting ready to have babies, maybe delve into this because, yeah, you want to give your baby the best start to life, but also then you have eight kids, right? I don’t know, like how can you take care of all those babies the same? I don’t know. It’s something to think about. What does it look like in adult relationships? People with secure attachment style are more readily able to form long-lasting and healthy relationships with others. They’re more likely to trust their partner and be emotionally available to them. They say 58% of adults are securely attached. It’s, you know, it’s the highest one, but it’s low. If we’re going by percent, 100% is the most right. But if you’re a person with a secure attachment style, it doesn’t mean you can take for granted that your relationships will be smooth sailing. If two securely attached people are in a relationship, they’re starting out for a better position. But relationships take work for everyone, no matter your attachment style. So I think obviously this would be the ideal. So I think obviously this would be the ideal.

 

However, people, we bring baggage, we bring trauma, we bring things into a marriage as a couple. We may think that we’re secure attachment style. I mean, I probably thought, like when I married my former spouse, he was secure, right, he looked perceived that way. I don’t know, do you ask all the questions? Hey, how did your mom interact with you when you were a baby? We probably don’t ask those questions. Maybe we should, maybe we could start that. Consider talking to your kids about this. I don’t know, but that’s what a secure attachment is.

 

The next one is anxious attachment style. The next one is anxious attachment style. People with this attachment style are more clingy and they fear abandonment. They may struggle with uncertainty in relationships. An anxious attachment style is a form of insecure attachment that forms between a baby and an inconsistent caregiver. From their perspective, the baby can’t be sure when and if their parent is going to be emotionally and physically available to them. Okay, so these are all things that happen in infancy. Babies whose primary caregiver aren’t consistent in meeting a baby’s needs are more likely to form anxious attachment. Anxiously attached babies learn that they may or may not get the attention they need, so they aren’t easily comforted by their caregivers.

 

What does it look like as an adult? A partner with an anxious attachment style may be seen as clingy, needy or not trusting. People with an anxious attachment style can be consumed with concern that their loved ones will abandon them, and they may seek constant reassurance that they’re safe in their relationship. So I feel like maybe I went from a secure attachment to an anxious attachment in my marriage, right? Because I didn’t trust my husband. I didn’t feel safe. I felt needy and clingy and all those things. So did that have to do with my when I was a baby? I don’t know. It’s just something to think about. So just consider this is just information. It may be helpful. It may not be helpful. There’s 19% of adults that have an anxious attachment style. So not as not that many, right, and maybe I’m one in the 19%. I don’t know If you have an anxious attachment style. So not that many, right? Maybe I’m one in the 19%, I don’t know If you have this anxious attachment style.

 

They can drive away their partner with their neediness. That can create even more feelings of insecurity in future relationships, and I have a lot of memories. My spouse would always be like you’re just so needy. I’m like, yeah, because I need you to tell me the truth and not lie to me Like I don’t know. If that’s neediness, what do you think People with an anxious attachment can benefit from what we call rituals of separation, where the partners agree that before they go out for the day, they give each other a kiss, they say I’ll see you tonight.

 

They send a text during the day. So if you’re finding yourself really anxious, you can, you know, request that, right? Could we do this? Could this be helpful? Right, it’s your job to manage your own anxiety, but if this is helpful, go for it. This is going to help them in a relationship. I feel like my kids might have more of an anxious attachment, right, because of their experience with their parents and their marriage, of divorce. Maybe kids that have experienced divorce, maybe they’re feeling more anxious. I don’t know. But 19% there’s way more people that are getting divorced than 19%. Okay, the next attachment style is avoidant. There’s just four attachment styles, okay, so secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganized. So now we’re going to talk about avoidant.

 

People with an avoidant attachment style may feel overwhelmed by attachment and push people away. They may prioritize their independence over closeness, and maybe there’s some crossover, I don’t know. Avoidant attachment can look like an adult who is a lone wolf or overly self-sufficient. People with an avoidant attachment style are likely to not delve much into emotional conversations, either in regard to their own feelings or those of others. An avoidant attachment style often stems from a relationship between a primary caregiver and a baby that’s marked by a lack of emotional support or connection. So when a baby is little, their caregiver doesn’t provide a baby with sufficient emotional support. The caregiver’s responsiveness to the baby most likely ends with caring for their physical needs like feeding and bathing, but the caregiver doesn’t provide the emotional comfort the baby also needs. In that environment, the baby learns not to rely on others to care for their emotional needs. So maybe someone that’s super independent. What does it look like in an adult relationship? Adults with an avoidant attachment style can be seen as self-reliant and emotionally guarded. They’re unlikely to seek emotional comfort or understand how to comfort their partner. 23% of adults have avoidant attachment style.

 

I’m guessing you’re all thinking like, ooh, who in my life are these things? I’m totally thinking that right now, and so, yeah, I think it may be helpful to understand, maybe have some compassion for these people in your life, because, especially if it goes back to when you’re a baby, be like oh, that must have been really hard that your mom I wonder what was going on for her. I’m reading a book that I’ll probably do a podcast on. But what happened to you? What happened to them, to make them not be able to care for you as a baby, like what happened to your mom? I just think if you can bring compassion on board, this is going to be helpful for you.

 

Some tips if you know people that have avoidant attachment style, they often distance themselves from others and assume others will disappoint them. Actively observing your own emotions and considering how you pull away from others will require a will disappoint them. Actively observing your own emotions and considering how you pull away from others will require a lot of work, so you have to be really self-reflective. But that effort can be an eye-opening way to help understand your style and learn to let others in. So if this is you, you have to go inward and say, okay, I see I’m blocking everyone out. Okay, how can I be a little vulnerable and let people in the last attachment style is disorganized attachment style.

 

People with a disorganized attachment style may have unpredictable and contradictory behaviors and relationships. They may have difficulty forming secure attachments and may have challenges with emotional regulation. Disorganized attachment is the most extreme and least common style. People with disorganized attachment can be seen to act irrationally and be unpredictable or intense in their relationships. Okay, how does this happen? Well, their caregiver. They have a very tumultuous childhood, often one that may be marked by fear or trauma. It typically stems from an erratic or incoherent relationship with the baby’s primary caregiver. So probably a lot more trauma, although I’m just going to say we all have trauma in our childhood, in our life. Right, there’s no one that comes out of this life trauma-free. What does it look like as an adult in these relationships? Adults with disorganized attachments are likely to live with mental health disorders, personality disorders that prevent them from developing healthy relationships with others, that prevent them from developing healthy relationships with others. They’re likely to crave close relationships but push others away when they show them attention.

 

If you have this, you probably need therapy. Right, you’re going to need help Like this is the most severe one, and so I guess that would be why it would be good. If you feel like you connect with the disorganized or someone in your life connects with that one, maybe, yeah, reach out and get help right. Figure out, okay, how can I recognize? Right, we can’t change our past, but at least acknowledge it, heal from that. And I do believe that you can heal from these, all these things that we talked about.

 

So, how all these attachment styles affect our adult relationships, we kind of talked individually, but it could have a hefty impact right with your communication or how you interact with each other, your overall marriage. So that’s why I think it’s really important to understand why this would be important, why you would be interested in knowing what your attachment style is. Right, the curiosity right. But I just don’t want you to label yourself. I think labels are unhelpful. So if you are aware, awareness is key for change. So once you’re aware of your attachment style, it makes you more likely to be able to do something about it. Okay, and of course, like I’ve said before, labeling is unhelpful, but if it can also be helpful.

 

So who we are and how we relate to others is always more complicated than one variable. So just because we say, oh, you’re a secure attachment, you’re going to be the best husband or wife ever. No, there are so many more layers to relationship, right? That’s just one component. Relating to other people is probably the greatest gift and the biggest challenge in our lives, right, our relationship. We can learn so much from our spouse, but also it can also be very painful.

 

Your partner’s attachment style can significantly affect your own attachment style, as the dynamics of your relationship can influence how you behave and interact with them, potentially leading to changes in your attachment patterns, especially if you have insecure attachment style to begin with. A secure partner can help you feel more secure, while an insecure partner may exacerbate your anxieties. So a secure attachment partner might be more of a positive influence on you, but someone that is more insecure can also be a negative influence on you. So just know that these dynamics are just good information if you’re really struggling with your relationship or with dating, right, so it may be helpful to understand who you are which is true, I think and then understand who you’re married to. Lastly, some important factors to consider your existing attachment style. People with already secure attachment styles are generally less susceptible to being significantly influenced by their partner’s attachment style, which I find is interesting, and I don’t know if I agree with that. Probably yes and no.

 

Awareness and communication, recognizing your own attachment style and openly communicating about it with your partner can help navigate potential challenges and work towards a healthier relationship dynamic. I definitely agree with that. Right Awareness is going to be helpful, and especially if you’re like wait a second, something just isn’t working. Exploring attachment styles I know there are therapists that really heavily this is like their Bible. That’s what they teach, what they know. I don’t think it needs to be the only thing you focus on, but it could be something to at least know about and discuss. Lastly, relationship quality A healthy relationship with open communication and mutual support can provide an environment where both partners can work towards developing more secure attachment patterns.

 

I think the more confident you can become, even if you were raised by a parent that wasn’t emotionally available for you, you can learn that Our brains are so amazing. You can totally learn and change if you choose to right Most of us. We just get lazy and we don’t want to, or we’re stubborn, or it’s pride or our ego. But you totally can and I would say, if you choose to do that, you’re going to have just such a better life and a relationship because you’re choosing it on purpose and you’re creating something that’s more amazing than what you were experiencing before. So hopefully this was helpful and if you enjoyed this podcast, please like and review and share it with your family and friends, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after sign up for my email at hello, at lifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.