Unraveling Relationship Red Flags: Meatloafing, Breadcrumbing, and Love Bombing

Welcome to my podcast Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Today I’m going to talk about a few different things that people possibly do in their relationship. And I named and I’m sure someone else has named this, but it’s called meatloafing Back in the day, I think the 90s there’s a guy that he’s a singer.

 

His name is Meatloaf I’m hoping that’s not his real name and don’t look up the definition in the Urban Dictionary, because that’s not what I’m talking about. But he sings a song that says I will do anything for love, but I won’t do that. And I made a reel using him singing the song and I said like I’ll do anything for love, but I won’t do that. And me or a woman asking or a man someone asking hey, I need you to be honest and accountable about your affair if we are going to repair our marriage and the idea is you’re asking for something from your spouse and they’re like, oh, I’m not going to do that, right. And so I think this happens so often in betrayal, when it’s like, oh, I’m going to do anything to save my marriage, but actually I’m not willing to change, or and it doesn’t even have to be an affair, it could be whatever marriage issues you’re, you know, getting divorced, or you’re threatened divorce and it’s like I want to save my marriage, but oh, actually I’m not willing to do that, right. So I think it’s just really important for you to pay attention to this, because it’s a form of manipulation, abuse. They’re going to string you along and it’s like, well, you told me you would do anything. I think my former spouse he used to always tell me like I would stand on my head in a corner for you all day long and I’m like, wait, will you stop having an affair? Oh, no, I’m not going to do that, okay. So you’re going to do anything for me, except for that, like the one thing that I want, the one thing that is going to help us repair our marriage, you’re not willing to do.

 

I listened to this other podcast where the lady talked about meatloafing because when I made that reel, she’s like, oh my gosh, I used to say this too, but anyways and that’s when I heard the term I’m like oh, that’s hysterical. I didn’t even know that was Meatloaf when I made the reel. I’m like maybe I should know more of the singers, because of course, there’s some people on my comments that are like, how dare you say this about Meatloaf? I’m like it is not about Meatloaf, I’m just making a point about me love. I’m just making a point.

 

But the husband was like we need to have a better co-parenting relationship and I want to be better and just, I love our kids and our family. And the daughter had lost her earrings when she was at her dad’s and the mom said well, you know, can you give me twenty dollars to buy our daughter new earrings that she lost at your house? He’s like, absolutely not, I can’t do that. It’s like, well, wait a second. I thought you wanted to have this better relationship. And then the one thing I ask you’re gonna say no.

 

So I think this happens a lot, right, not necessarily, but especially like in divorce and betrayal, like I begged my husband former husband for a disclosure. I wanted a full disclosure. I didn’t even know what that was, to even ask. But when I figured it out and I learned and this was after we were divorced, so I’m like, what is the guy got to lose? Like, can’t you just tell me everything? Like I just want some answers so I can heal more and feel better. And, of course, what I’ve already told you everything I’m not giving you a full disclosure so that, you know, is disappointing, but I was at least willing to ask for it. But I just think that’s what I call meatloafing. So if you’ve been meatloafed, that’s what I mean by that. There’s another definition out there, but that’s what I’m calling it.

 

Anyways, the other term I want to talk about today is breadcrumbing. And I think if you are I mean for sure this happens in marriages and also like in dating. But I always envision, like when I think of bread crumbing is Hansel and Gretel, if you know. That story is you know they’re escaping the wicked witch’s house, or they were going to their house and they didn’t want to. They’re in the woods and they didn’t want to get lost and so they’re dropping bread crumbs along the way and of course some of their bread, the crumbs, were eaten, so they end up getting lost and get into the witch’s house, but so just like little pieces left along the way. But it is really a form of manipulation, right? So that that’s kind of the visual I was thinking.

 

But when someone actually bread crumbs you, they’re just leading you on, they’re giving you just enough, just a little bit of bread, a little bit of bite-sized things to like keep you hanging and hoping, right. But it is very manipulative. It involves small but inconsistent supply of interest that keeps someone feeling as though there is the potential for more. And I’m sure men, women do this and they prey on our insecurities, right? I think the more secure in yourself you can be, the more resistant you can be from breadcrumbing. But of course we love to be loved and we like people to like us and so we hope. I mean we want to look at the good in people, for sure, but I just think it’s something to be aware of.

 

So signs someone is breadcrumbing you, inability to make or commit plans these are just like little things. It doesn’t mean if someone has this that they are breadcrumbing you, but just think things to pay attention to If someone is, you know, always scheduling something with you and then canceling at the last minute, or something always comes up. Or because if you really like someone and if someone really wants to be with you, even if it’s your spouse, they’re going to be with you, right, they’re not going to always. Now, obviously, things come up, things happen, but if this is a pattern, I think it’s really something to pay attention to. Or if people are like, oh yeah, that sounds so much fun, let’s do that next week, and then next week never happens, right? So just really pay attention to that.

 

Another one is micro communication. The micro communication is not a complete lack of association, nor is it ignoring or blowing someone off. Instead, micro communication is dropping small, exclusively digital bytes of communication, right, so they’re just like every now and again saying, hey, what’s up? Right, like sending things. So you think like they’re communicating with you, but they’re just like in little bits, and then they’ll go weeks without communicating, or they might send a comment, or like your post. So it gets your brain to think, oh, maybe they’re interested, or maybe they like me, or it’s kind of like the bare minimum. They’re doing the bare minimum, but they still have your attention, okay. So pay attention to this.

 

I feel like I should be talking to a bunch of 20 year olds in this conversation, but I for sure, if you’re my age, and they didn’t have the term breadcrumbing when we were in high school or college, right, when we were dating, remember I haven’t dated for 30 years, so it’s been a while, so I’m learning this, but this could also be helping in your marriage, in your relationship, right. So pay attention, because these are red flags and I’m gonna tell you some things you can do. Another one is emotional discomfort. Breadcrumbers are often confrontation averse. They tend to avoid negative or stressful interactions. They don’t want to share or express their emotions or interest because they think if I don’t tell you I like you, then I can’t be rejected, rejected, right. So I think it’s really important that you are aware of this.

 

Okay, keeping in touch. This is possibly the most difficult example. I think this is hard for women that have recently got divorced or have been divorced for a long time. It’s like they still contact, or anytime, their ex like calls, texts, emails. They’re like on it, like, and I’m going to say I’m guilty of this, right. Like, oh, I’m going to respond quickly, right, but it just can be really hard for your healing if you’ve broken up with someone. So whether you’re married or dating, you’ve got to just cut it off. That’s going to help your healing. Now maybe eventually you can have some sort of communication or contact with this person. You get to decide, but make sure it’s on your terms, not theirs, okay, because it can just be really harmful and really hurtful with your self-esteem if they just keep in touch with you, right, like you’re like, oh, maybe they like me again. Or you know, maybe they’re interested, right, it just plays games with your mind.

 

People that are serial breadcrumbers they probably have a lot of narcissistic tendencies, so it’s just really something to be aware of because you’re going to get hurt. The whole point is they’re not planning on anything serious. This is very casual for them. The impacts that breadcrumbing has on you is they typically exert their power on people who they know have strong feelings for them. So it’s like almost like oh, I know she likes me. So I’m going to take full advantage of this.

 

A lot of times if you notice that you like someone more than they like you and you’re suppressing your needs to make the other person happy or you know you feel more attached to them Definite sign, okay, that there’s breadcrumbing going on and you’re definitely going to get hurt. Over time. It could cause people to lower their standards and learn that they must accept the bare minimum of love or attention that is provided by others. So just pay attention. Like you can have high standards, that doesn’t mean you are something’s wrong with you or you know you think you’re better than everyone else. No, that’s not what it means. But no, you get to decide what you expect in someone that likes you and wants to be with you and having that conversation. And are they bringing the same energy to your relationship that you are? And if not, then you can decide what you want to do.

 

If you have experienced or are experiencing breadcrumbing in your relationship, just pay attention. Like, what are you gaining by engaging with this person and what are you losing by engaging with this person? What kind of energy Are you going to have better energy if you break the relationship off? Just really pay attention. Is this a fantasy? Have you made this person into something that they’re not?

 

It’s easy to do this right. It’s easy to like, think they’re this great guy or great girl and it’s like, oh, actually, if you like, step away for a moment. You’re like, oh, actually they’re not, or they’re not what I want really, or I need better. We need to be direct. Let the person know how their communication, style and actions make you feel. It’s okay to tell someone how you feel. Even if it’s negative, it’s actually really healthy.

 

Let them know the impact of their behaviors and ask for what you want to be treated like a priority and a person they value. And if you tell someone, hey, I don’t think you’re treating me like I should be treated and you’re not valuing me, and they don’t change, that’s a sign. That’s good information. Get curious about that. Okay, I mean, I was married in a relationship like this, right, I wasn’t valued, I wasn’t treated like I needed and should have been treated. Right, like you don’t cheat on your wife and then you don’t tell her because that’s not very nice, you don’t want her to know. Right, those are just lies that people having affairs tell themselves like why I don’t want her to find out, I’m going to hurt her feelings. Okay, that’s bullcrap and it’s not nice. That’s the very unnicest thing you can do. Okay, that’s lying to yourself and then lying to your spouse, lying to your family. It’s a lot of lies.

 

Don’t reinforce the bad behavior. It’s okay not to respond if the breadcrumber is only sending superficial texts late at night. Okay, if you notice like they’re only sending texts when it’s convenient for them and they’ll go days without responding to you. And but if you continue to like you know when you get a text at 3 am and you respond, right, they’re gonna still do it. You’re reinforcing that behavior.

 

Teach others how to treat you and I think this is really a key. I for sure know now for myself how, if I ever choose to get in a relationship with a man again, how I will be treated and how I will not be treated, and I will use my voice to say as much. So really go inward and decide like how do I want to be treated? Okay, encourage people to well, encourage yourself to really consider that it’s okay to ask You’re the only one that can meet your needs and it’s okay to ask and request and ask again. It might take a few times. If this person is really showing like, okay, they actually do care, then it’s good, but if not, it might be time to walk away.

 

Decide what you’re willing to tolerate. Don’t accept anything less. I think sometimes we you know the fear of rejection Don’t accept anything less. I think sometimes we, you know the fear of rejection not being good enough, and I laugh at that because I’m like I get it, like I have felt not good enough for years and years. But I’m like, wait a second. You know they weren’t good enough for me. Like, why am I the one thinking I’m not good enough? So really, be onto your brain when you’re going down the path of like I’m not good enough, it’s like wait a second. What if they’re not the ones that aren’t good enough for me? Now, everyone is good enough, right Like that’s silly that we even think that, but we do, but they’re just not your person, they’re not for you. Remember your worth, I think is so important.

 

Remind yourself that you don’t need to beg for afterthoughts, for scraps or crumbs, right Like you deserve all of it. It’s not just like only the few minutes of your time or whatever. Right. Demand that, I think. Expect that in your marriage. Have this conversation. If you feel like you’re getting the scraps, have a conversation about it, because if you don’t, you’re going to continue getting the scraps and you’re going to be miserable and you’re not going to have a fulfilling marriage or relationship. And it’s okay to ask and of course, you could want to do it in a kind, loving way but just really pay attention. If this is an issue in your marriage or relationship, as you start saying no to breadcrumbing and prioritizing yourself with greater care and honoring, you will attract others who will treat you similarly in kind. So I just think it’s important to analyze, right Like, is this happening in your relationship? Okay, so I have one more that I’m going to talk about.

 

So we talked about meatloafing, which I think is hysterical, and breadcrumbing it’s really sad. Right Like that behavior is sad, but I just think it’s a funny term and breadcrumbing and then love bombing. Love bombing I have talked about this before, but I think it went along with the other two. And if you’re getting love bombed excessive compliments right Like, the love bomber may say things like I feel like you were created just for me. My life would be nothing without you. Everything is just like you’re just the most amazing person, right Like that’s a little over the top, especially if you’ve just met them. They want to rush into a relationship. They have grand gestures. The love bomber may make grand gestures or send over the top gifts, pushing for commitment. The love bomber may push for commitment or more time together, so they’re just rushing you.

 

I was, for sure, married to a love bomber. I didn’t know that at the time, like I didn’t know that term, which I know sounds crazy. But you know, back in the day we didn’t have the internet, we didn’t have Instagram and all the things right where it made it easier. I went to therapy and no one ever said, oh, your husband is love bombing you. But I figured that on my own and it was interesting because as I learned this terminology, I always wondered why I didn’t like getting gifts from my husband and he loved giving gifts, right and so I always felt horrible, like I felt like I was in the wrong, like why don’t I like getting gifts? Is something wrong with me? Like I like gifts.

 

I, growing up, I loved Christmas, I liked getting gifts. My friends bought me gifts and but I think it’s because there was always this meaning attached to the gift that I didn’t. So I save, like every card that you know, every time he sent me flowers, and a lot of those cards say I’m sorry, sorry for the way I behaved last night or whatever. They’re apology flowers and I love flowers, but I hated getting flowers from him and I’m sure not every flower arrangement was an apology flowers, but a lot of them were and it’s like well, were you gonna send me flowers when it was just a random day and I got those two right. And I don’t think every gift was a love bomb, but many were and they just land different and if you know, you know. So I don’t know if I’m describing it well, but love bombing can be a red flag because it can indicate further psychological and physical violence.

 

It can be especially dangerous for people who are already lacking attention or affection, and I don’t I don’t think that was it for me, like that wasn’t the intention. But just pay attention. If you’re someone that really like, loves gifts and needs gifts and then someone lavishes you with gifts, you know, maybe you’ve lived in scarcity your whole life or just feel like you never had anything and you get all these gifts, like I just think, pay attention. What’s the meaning behind the gift? Is there an expectation behind that gift? And address your feelings with your partner. I, I for sure, did address my feelings about this, but I always felt bad afterwards, like I’ve done something wrong or what is wrong with me. A Tesla, or flowers, nice dinners, trips, jewelry, lots of love bomb jewelry and yet it just something always fell off and I just think it was right, like my gut was right. I didn’t necessarily know what it was, but I right and it can be.

 

I think love bombing it’s just another manipulation tool. It’s another not healthy way to be in a relationship. You’re using things to distract someone from what you’re really doing and then covering up, right, like oh my gosh, I gave you all this stuff and you’re just ungrateful, right, and then the person feels bad, that got the gift. That’s just, to me, not how a gift is meant to be given. So if you’ve experienced any of these things like, just pay attention, you don’t have to experience them. You can choose different. You can request like, hey, maybe let’s take a break from gift giving for like six months and just see how things go.

 

Like, if you feel like you’re married to someone that love bombs, you see if they can go, because the thing is they’re getting a need met and doing it, and maybe they’ll see like, oh, actually, my wife loves me without these gifts, so I was wrong about why I was doing it right, like whatever the intention was, I think is important. So if you need a coach, I would love to be your coach and I would love to help you navigate betrayal and heal from betrayal. I totally believe you can heal from it and so reach out and if you like this podcast, please share it with your family and friends and have a great week and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at life coach Jen, with one n dot com, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happilyevenaftercoach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.