What Emotional Weapons are you using in a fight?

Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.

 

So before I get into today’s topic, I just am going to do a little venting. I’m going to get on my soapbox for a second and share something that I’ve been dealing with for the past few weeks and to give a plug to why it’s important to know, understand and regulate your nervous system, why it’s important to become aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. And that’s what I do as a coach is help people understand this, and it has been a life changer for me. But the past few weeks, my son was in a car accident and it was very minor. Son was in a car accident and it was very minor, but it was in a parking lot and a car hit him. Well, two and a half weeks go by and Progressive, the insurance company decides they messed up and originally they said it was 80% the other guy’s fault, 20% mine. I didn’t really agree with that, but I was like, okay, let’s get the car fixed. Well, then they decide, oh wait, the guy doesn’t have enough insurance. It’s actually not our fault, it’s 100% your fault. And so you can imagine I was livid, so angry. I then have to call my insurance. My insurance is farmers Amazing, they’ve been really great. But I still felt this is unfair. I felt taken advantage of. I felt betrayed. I felt my son was very upset because he’s like mom, this wasn’t my fault, so he felt all those same emotions. Okay, so I’ve been trying to work through this. I’ve even read the law, the Utah law. I have called my brother, who’s a lawyer, I’ve called my parents, I vented to friends, I vented to my trainer. So I’ve been doing a lot of processing about this. I cried to my insurance agent. I was so upset, anyway. So you can tell I’ve been expressing my feelings.

 

And then a few days later, I was at the gym and I have been working on my budget. I have never been a good budgeter. I haven’t really needed to In my past life, when I was married, my husband made a lot of money and so I just didn’t really need a budget. And you know, lots of things come out automatic and we belong to EOS and as I was looking, I’m like, wait a second, there are a lot of fees that I’m getting charged every month. I need to figure out where these fees are. So I go talk to to figure out where these fees are. So I go talk to the guy the other day and you know, I went through myself and my son, who have an account, but there were still like six other fees that weren’t accounted for. Turns out, my daughter who, in 2021, moved to Virginia. I was still getting charged for her membership, even though they clearly have me telling them she moved. I brought in all the stuff right in 2021. Then in 2022, I canceled another sense thing anyways and it didn’t get canceled. So, unbeknownst to me, I’ve been paying for these two children of mine, who I every month for their membership, as well, as, you know, the yearly fee that they now charge, which I didn’t know about either.

 

So I was unfair, felt betrayed, I felt gaslit because they weren’t believing me, they were telling me it wasn’t their problem, and so a lot of emotions that I had experienced in my marriage right were coming up for me from these other things. And why I tell you this is because, even though did I handle it perfect? Absolutely not Like I for sure I felt my nervous system. I got so triggered, I for sure went into fight mode my trauma responses is usually fight and I was like blaming them, what’s wrong with them? And then I went back to blaming me and I was just in this really negative vicious cycle and I don’t like feeling negative, because in general I’m usually a pretty positive. I’m like no, I can do this. So I just want you to know that it is normal to feel that way and it’s okay. But for me, becoming aware and it really helped me bring up I’m like, oh, I still have a lot of triggers around being treated unfairly or being lied to or being betrayed. There’s still some feelings there that I need to work on, and so just know that healing is a process.

 

Sometimes you can learn things from different experiences. It’s not necessarily a relationship, but other ways and you can find ways to recognize like, oh, I still have some work to do. And for me, understanding, okay, how do I regulate myself? How can I get control? How can I show up as the person that I want to be in the situation? Who can I be here, you know? Do I need to maybe apologize to the sweet kid who’s probably like in his 20s, trying to just do his job, telling me there’s nothing he can do about it, which I’m sure that’s true? You know for sure I was upset, I was mad, anyways.

 

So I think this is just an example of why I think it’s important to understand what’s going on inside of your body, so you don’t make it mean that you’ve done something wrong. I didn’t do anything wrong. I was like out of my control how my body showed up, but I could learn. I knew how to exactly how to regulate what I needed to do, how I needed to get that stress out, how to process it, how I could like look at them and see it more logically and then look at me and have a lot of compassion for myself and, of course, I felt treated unfairly, right, and that’s a pattern of mine from my past. So I wanted to share that with you because it’s such helpful information and it’s really changed my life and if you are like I need this. Reach out. I’d love to help you.

 

So now onto our topic. We’re going to talk about emotional weapons of war, and I was listening to a podcast and they mentioned this and I was like, oh, that’s what I’m talking about and what I mean by this. We all, when we’re having a fight, an argument, especially with our spouse, but it could be with your kids or, like me, it could be with the insurance guy or the guy at EOS, jim right, these are things that people usually do. Now, you might not do these, but these are just some examples of ways when we get defensive, some tactics. So emotional weapons of war they’re behaviors that manipulate others using emotions such as guilt, anger or blame. Okay, they can be used to control others, avoid difficult conversations or distract from issues. So if you experience this, if you’re having an argument, I just want you to become aware of what you do, or the person you’re maybe married to, or what your kids do. I think it’s just good knowledge to have A lot of our emotional weapons. They might be conscious, but some of them are unconscious and those are the ones that are a lot harder right when we’re not even aware we’re doing these. So that’s why it’s important, okay.

 

The first one I want to talk about is guilt tripping. This involves making your partner feel guilty for expressing their needs or setting boundaries. It could include things like if you loved me, you would do this for me, or you’re being selfish for saying no, right? So do you have someone in your life or do you do this and these are not good things to be doing. So if you’re aware of them, like, okay, I am aware I guilt trip people. Now what? Okay?

 

The silent treatment, a classic tactic where one partner stops communicating to punish or control the other. Now, I know I definitely went silent often when my spouse was yelling at me, criticizing me. So I think it’s a little different than that. Like I just called myself, I kind of became a turtle. I went into my shell for protection. So some of these you might be doing to protect yourself, but just still, they can be harmful, especially if you never come out of your shell and talk about the issue. The silence often creates anxiety and uncertainty and often compels the other person to comply. So instead of you know sharing or expressing themselves, you just don’t talk. Okay, and that’s unhealthy and it’s not going to get you anywhere.

 

Emotional outbursts, so things like using tears or anger to divert attention from the issue at hand is a common emotional weapon. So I think, of course, people cry when they feel emotional or they get angry, but you need to still have control over those things and don’t allow your tears or your anger to detract from the conversation. Right, because I think there’s a fine line between, okay, I’m crying because I feel really sad or I’m just trying to make you feel bad for making me cry. There’s a difference. The manipulator may say things like I can’t control my temper or you know, I can’t talk about this, it’s just too upsetting. So, anytime you’re saying things like that because it’s not true, we all have control over our emotions and ourselves and if you don’t, that is a good information and you need to work on it. It’s not your spouse’s job to regulate your emotions and how you feel. It is your job to do that.

 

Blaming Okay, this happens a lot. Right, I experienced this. I wanted to blame the insurance company, blame the other driver I wanted to blame. I wanted to blame EOS for not canceling the membership I canceled three years ago. So, blame and shame. I talk about the shame, blame trap. This happens a lot.

 

The manipulator may blame their partner for making them upset and for giving them anxiety. They don’t take responsibility for managing their emotions. So instead of making it, you know, looking inward. I always tell you you need to look inward before you look outward. And sometimes we look outward first and that’s okay, but look inward. Okay, what inside of you was hurt by that? Because when you’re just blaming someone, you’re not taking ownership or accountability for maybe even the 5% that was your issue or your fault. The last one avoiding.

 

It’s common for people to use their emotions as a weapon so they can avoid talking about relationship issues or they can escape doing things they don’t want to do. A manipulator may say things like you know, I can’t do the dishes, I have to relax after dinner because I have anxiety. So just pay attention to how you’re speaking to other people and how they’re speaking to you and I’m not going to say like, don’t say, well, you’re manipulating the situation. Right, that’s unhelpful, but just become aware of it. Right, that’s unhelpful, but just become aware of it. And if you’re doing this, realize like, okay, why are you doing this and it’s not a helpful thing in your relationship.

 

There are many ways emotional weapons may be used in relationships, and they can be used in all types of relationships, even with your kids or people at work. A mother says to her child if you loved me, you’d clean your room and not make your tired mother do it for you after working all day. Have you heard that before? Absolutely, you might have said it before, right, and you might have said this to your. So insert whoever you’ve said this to or who has said this to you. That is not healthy. A father stops talking to his teenage daughter for a week because she lied about being with friends when she was really on a date. I mean just unhealthy, unhelpful, right. A mature, healthy father would have a talk with that daughter and figure out why did she not tell the truth? Of course she lied. She didn’t want to get in trouble, right? And instead he gave her the silent treatment for a week. So just pay attention after you listen to this podcast, pay attention to what kind of emotional weapons that you use and have been used on you.

 

A man tells his partner he’s incapable of making phone calls because he has anxiety. He makes no attempts to work on his anxiety and insists she schedule all appointments and do other things for him that he’s actually capable of doing for himself. Think for sure this gets into codependency, right? And I can see this with my own kids. Oh, they don’t like doing this. Right, with the insurance thing, I’m like they have to talk to you, son, they can’t talk to me. I didn’t have the accident. You’re going to have to call the insurance company, and I know, as parents, as a wife, oh, it’s easier if I just do it. But that isn’t teaching them to be capable and understanding that they can do it too.

 

A woman cries every time her partner brings up the budget. She says it’s too stressful to talk about money, yet she refuses to curb her spending habits. Okay, so if you’re using this tactic to get your way and, on the other side, if you’re allowing your spouse to get away with this, it’s just not going to be helpful in your relationship or your marriage. Someone gets upset every time her friend declines to spend time with her. She raises her voice and calls the friend selfish for making her be alone and says it’s evidence the friend doesn’t care about her. Okay, this is a classic example, right? How many times do we blame the friend? Right? But really like it has nothing to do with you. If you really were friends with that woman or man, you would understand this has nothing to do with you and has something to do with them and what’s going on with them. But we tend to think if someone tells us, no, that is mean or unkind. Okay, so just focus on yourself, and how you do this for sure is getting more self-confidence, and how you do this for sure is getting more self-confidence. The more self-confidence you have.

 

You’re not going to have to be using these tactics in a disagreement. You’re not going to label a disagreement as a bad thing or harmful. You’re going to get better at it. How doing this is going to affect your relationships? Well, you’re going to have an erosion of trust. There’s a loss of trust that occurs when emotions are weaponized.

 

Someone might think how can I tell you what I need if you’re going to insist, I should feel guilty. Which is so true, right, you don’t get to tell someone how they should feel. They get to feel any way they want. Feel. They get to feel any way they want. And it’s evidence in if you have kids, multiple kids, you could say one kid something, the same thing, and all four of them feel differently about it. So just realize it’s not your job to tell someone how they feel. We can’t resolve our problems because if I bring up an issue, my partner is going to start crying loudly and insist I’m causing pain.

 

Healthy communication, conflict resolution and emotional intimacy become impaired. The thing is we have to learn as our society we do not get to. First of all, we can’t hurt someone else. They’re choosing that for themselves. You can’t make them feel anything, right, and we know. Of course our words hurt, right, which is a whole other issue with emotional abuse. But we’re using it as a weapon, right, and by blaming other people.

 

Emotional exhaustion, the constant need to navigate emotional minefields, can leave the manipulated partner feeling drained and stressed. They may feel like they’re constantly walking on eggshells as they try to keep the other person happy. I just want you to know you cannot make someone happy. That has to come inside of that person, right? Of course you can do things to make their life happier. Right, you can also do things to make their life more miserable. But if you think that you can manipulate people’s feelings, you need to do a self-reflection, self-check. Okay, if you are the person that feels like they’re walking on eggshells. That is an unhealthy way to live, and so maybe you need to do a self-check and figure out, okay, what’s going on for you. Why are you tolerating this behavior from your spouse? Okay, and that is a great thing to learn Understand your nervous system. Understand getting more confidence to speak up for yourself. Reduced self-esteem Over time.

 

People on the receiving end of manipulation can lead to self-doubt and reduced confidence. The individual might question their own feelings or behaviors and neglect their own needs in an effort to focus on the other person’s needs. I see this a lot. I personally experience this that like I’m going to focus on my spouse, his needs, and just pretend I don’t have any right. It’s a very unhealthy way to live. The person’s needs that you need to focus on are yours, and once you focus on yours, then you can maybe help other people focus on theirs. Okay, if you realize that you are low in confidence and especially in betrayal. Betrayal is an emotional weapon of war because it consists of lying, manipulating, all these things that we’re talking, blaming they’re going to blame you for their affair. Okay, so very unhealthy.

 

As you recognize these behaviors, let’s figure out how we can address them. Okay, it’s going to be the first step to change. If we’re not even aware these things are happening, it’s like, okay if we didn’t know they were happening. Now we know. Okay, now what we need to identify patterns, reflect on interactions and identify recurring patterns of behavior where you ultimately feel guilty, anxious or control. So this is why I love the model, because you can put any situation into the model the circumstance now. What did you think about the circumstance? And then, how did you feel? What were your actions? What were your results? Okay, so a model can help you identify these different behaviors and then you get to choose. Do I want to think that anymore? And guess what? You get to think whatever you want. You get to feel whatever you want. So we got to feel and think on purpose. Okay, especially once you have a regulated nervous system, this is much easier to do.

 

Establish boundaries, identify boundaries that you’re going to set. Like, hey, I’m going to end this conversation if you continue, you know, trying to make it my fault or make me feel guilty, or you’re going to yell at me. I’m going to end this conversation if you continue trying to make it my fault or make me feel guilty, or you’re going to yell at me. I’m going to leave. You can continue your conversation with me, but I’m not going to be here to listen to it. That’s what a boundary looks like. Be consistent with your boundary. Setting ensures that the emotional weapons aren’t effective. If you set the boundary and you are consistent with it every time, that happens, eventually they’re not going to use that weapon anymore because it didn’t work and it may have been working for 20 years, and then you create the boundary and they’re going to do something else.

 

Seek support, talk to someone about what’s going on. That’s why I think everyone needs a coach, everyone needs a therapist, everyone needs a friend. Find someone that you can share your feelings with. A friend is helpful. However, they’re not neutral, and so I think the best person to talk to is a more neutral person, because they don’t have, you know, anything in the game. Right, like they’re going to be neutral to you and your spouse. They’re going to be able to see it more clearly. But it can be very helpful and then practice in some cases, saying things like I know this is upsetting, but I’d like to develop a plan to work on this issue. Right, have your back. Practice ways to.

 

I always tell my clients like we’ve got to change up the dance you’ve been doing for the past 25 years, because you’ve been communicating in a way that is sometimes helpful and sometimes really hurtful, and especially if you’ve been using these emotional weapons and many of us didn’t even know. We were unconscious, right, but once you know better, you do better, and so when you recognize these things, it’s like no, we’ve got to do something different, otherwise, this is really destroying your self-esteem, your relationship, your interactions with each other, with your kids. Okay, a strong relationship is built on mutual respect, understanding and genuine emotional connection. Like you always hear this, like we want to be more emotionally connected. Right, you can’t do this. You cannot be emotionally connected when you’re using weapons like the silent treatment or guilt tripping or emotional outbursts or blaming or avoiding. Okay, it just isn’t going to be a way to really connect with someone if you’re using these, if you’re manipulating, trying to manipulate your spouse, and even if you don’t recognize, you’re like I’ve been doing this my whole life. I didn’t know it was wrong or it wasn’t hurtful. Well, now I’m telling you it is hurtful.

 

If you have a habit of using your emotions as weapons, you may benefit from learning new skills that help you get your needs met, okay. So all these things that you’ve been doing, you’ve been trying to get a need met. Become aware. Okay, what are my needs? How can I get those needs met in a different, better, healthier way? I promise you there’s options. So just be really clear about what your need is.

 

And a lot of us, we have suppressed our needs for so long that we don’t even know what they are. But we’ve got to do some self-exploration and figure those needs out. If you’ve been on the receiving end of emotional manipulation, setting boundaries might help and you may benefit, and I think you will benefit from getting help from an outside source, with a coach, a therapist, okay. So I hope this was helpful today. Just give you some food for thought.

 

It’s kind of a heavy topic, but I think we all have used these weapons in our relationships or have been on the receiving end of these weapons, and especially in betrayal, especially in divorce. But really, I think any topic just being a parent, right, we’re trying to get a need met and so we say something really hurtful to our child, so we think that’s the way to get them to do something. But that’s not the way. There are so many other, better ways. Thanks so much for listening. If you liked this podcast and found it helpful, please leave a review and tell your family and friends and have a beautiful day. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom, follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After Coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.