Welcome to my podcast. Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So recently I got on Instagram and asked my followers what topic they’d like me to talk about and Marilyn sent me a message and I’m really happy because this message I think it totally relates to my life, but obviously to hers and, I’m guessing, many of you that are listening Her question was this, or her statement, what she wanted me to talk about? Please talk about young adult children and their relationship to their father, who had an affair. That was really what she asked me because I told her I can relate so much to this because my children are young adults and their father had an affair. So first of all, I want to say I’m speaking to people with young adult children. I realize that this information may be different if your children are younger, if you co-parent with your spouse, like have to officially co-parent, like obviously I’m always going to be a co-parent because they have a father and a mother. But this is from my perspective. I took some research from psychology today. I like looking up psychology today. I feel like they have good information, but I’m going to answer this from my own experience and from things that I’ve learned. It’s interesting because I have gone to lots of therapy sessions and lots of coaching sessions about this very topic and about my children, because adult kids are different than younger kids because once they’re adults, we have really no control. I mean, we really don’t have control over our kids, but we have a lot more influence on our kids when they are younger, right, and we do have rules and regulations and things that we are legally have to do, right, like we’re supposed to do. We need to make sure they go to school and they eat, and you know all the things, and so I just think, as your kids are adults, we have to realize we do not have control over them. The only thing we can do is love them, in my opinion, okay. So this is my perspective. You can agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it and I’m okay with that. You can agree with it. You don’t have to agree with it and I’m OK with that.
One thing I want you to understand it’s not your job to make sure that your kids have whatever they get to have whatever relationship they want with you as well as your former spouse, and, I think, as women especially, we try to micromanage this, we try to fix it, we try to make sure everything is smooth. It is hard for us to see our kids in pain. It is hard for us to have them have an opinion that we might feel is negative or wrong or hurtful or the opposite. Like we are mad that our kids like our spouse, like we also could have that take right. We are angry. We don’t want them to like going to their dad who hurt us so badly, and so I hear a lot of both sides of that. For me, I’m the one that, like I just want to fix everything. I want everything to be okay, and I realize I have no ability, nor should I have that power right, and so I think things that you can do to help your kids is to encourage them to share their feelings, to have discussions with them. Feelings. To have discussions with them help empower your kids, that they get to choose for themselves, right, and so I think it’s also very important to validate whatever they think or feel, to help them understand what they’re feeling. What they’re thinking is okay. Okay, when we try to tell them they shouldn’t feel that way or we can’t understand why they would feel that way or it’s not the right way to feel, it’s very invalidating and no one wants to be told that. And so, really, your kids are adults, they can make their own decisions, but sometimes they’re going to lean on you because you are their parent and they’re going to want to talk to you. So listen, listen to them, let them speak their mind, even if you don’t agree with it. Just still let them allow them to vent or feel whatever they want to feel.
I think it’s important to know what your lane is Like. Stay in your lane. Important to know what your lane is Like. Stay in your lane. It’s really easy to like veer off and get into your ex-spouse’s lane, your former partner, and be like, well, they’re not doing it right, they’re doing it wrong, and I’m sure they’re saying, well, she’s doing it wrong or they’re doing it wrong, right, and so blaming the other person for what they’re doing or not doing is also going to be unhelpful for your children, because your kids don’t want to be put in the middle of the divorce. If there is a divorce or if there is reconciliation from betrayal, they also don’t want to be put in the middle of it. They don’t want to be a part of it and nor should they okay. So just really watch.
If you’re getting in someone else’s lane, even your kids’ lane, and I think you know this if you start blaming someone for what they’re doing or not doing, you just know. I think, if you want, depends on your relationship, finding opportunities that they could help, right, they may, and you could suggest it to your child. I mean, it’s really easy to get into a really nasty triangle of with your kids, your ex-spouse, you know you can create either your child’s in the middle or you’re in the middle if your kids don’t want to talk to their dad or their mom, and so try not to create the triangle. But you could suggest like, hey, maybe reach out to your dad and see if he would like to help you with your car, or you know, I would love for you to have those new clothes, but right now it’s not in my budget. Do you want to ask your dad? Maybe he would like to buy those for you, because we all know we don’t get child support after a child, at least in Utah, after they’re 18.
Some states it’s a little older, and this is just a random fact I’m just going to say, because I do not believe that children that are 18 years old are adults. And so I actually looked it up last night with my son, because we were having this discussion, and I discovered in 1971 or 72, they changed the age from 21 to 18 so that more people could vote. I was thinking it had to do with something like the war I was thinking in like World War I or II. They probably changed the age of an adult, but actually it wasn’t until the 70s and it was all about voting, which is so interesting so that more people could vote. And so I, because I think 18, if you’re considered an adult at 18, if you know any 18 year olds, they just their decision-making skills are not, as they’re not an adult. And so, anyways, being creative, thinking of ways like hey, maybe your dad could help you with that, maybe he could help you apply for college or you know you, if you were married to this person, you know his skills and abilities and maybe at least facilitating or suggesting or talking about it, not in a way to manipulate them, but just maybe offering it, so that maybe that could be a way for them to build the relationship, if they want right, okay, so obviously we’re talking about a partner that has had an affair.
My whole take on. When you have adult kids, you have to be 100% honest. You do not have to say every detail, but you have to tell them the truth. If they ask you, hey, did you have an affair? The answer should be yes, I did Not. Well, your mom really wasn’t paying attention to me and I just wasn’t getting my needs met in my marriage. So I, you know, met this woman that paid all this attention to me. That is not the answer. The answer is yes, I had an affair. You don’t need to blame anyone. Make excuses for yourself the truth is always the best and then say are there any questions, other questions you want answered?
This has been interesting because when I got divorced, part of my divorce was I wasn’t supposed to say why. I mean, there were many reasons why, but I wasn’t supposed to say the affair so I didn’t. I didn’t put it. It was irreconcilable differences why we got divorced in my divorce papers. So two weeks after I get divorced, my kids figured out all on their own because they’re adults and they’re smart oh, this doesn’t make sense. And they figured it out. And that unfortunately became so much more hurtful for them because they felt like I lied to them. They felt like their dad lied to them. They felt betrayed. The betrayal was that much deeper because I protected their dad, which they felt betrayed by me, and they also felt betrayed by their dad. So I’ve done a lot of repair for that actual experience. But unfortunately it happened and I am sad that it did. But I can’t go in the past and change that. I can just now help. You know the right thing to do.
Speaker 1: 11:01
If you’re listening and are curious, like, should I tell them, the answer is yes. That is my opinion. You might find someone that says no, but if they are directly asking you, did my dad or did you have an affair, I think it’s 100% okay. We can handle the truth. We cannot handle the lies. And once we tell a lie, our brain starts thinking what else did they lie about? What else have my parents lied to me about? And we go down that path, whereas if my parents can be strong enough and tell me the truth that dad had an affair I have confidence that they’re going to tell me the truth about maybe smaller things and maybe bigger things. I know my parents can be honest and that’s what creates safety, that creates connection, that creates vulnerability. If my parents can tell me this really hard thing, even though I’m really mad and it’s hard to hear and it hurts, I can count on my parents to tell me the truth. And it’s hard to hear and it hurts. I can count on my parents to tell me the truth. So, if you’re curious, wondering absolutely yes, truth will never get you in trouble. Like well, it might get you in trouble just because we know the truth. Right, we have also consequences to this.
Now, another thing that I’ve learned that we should not and we don’t need to vent to our kids. It is hard, being from my experience being a mother and having my kids with me 24-7. I mean, obviously they were at school, they’re living their own life, but they saw me on a daily basis and some days were better than others. Some days I’m curled up in bed, hysterical. Some days I’m doing fine. But you have to like heal in front of your kids, which is, you know, really hard and, you know, difficult, but it’s just the reality of the situation if they still live with you. But find other people to vent to. I vent to my brother, I vent to my friends, I talk to my therapist, I talk to a coach. Like I have people that I can, that I was able to heal with and I, for the most part, did not use my kids for that, and I think it’s really important to do that. I’m not saying I was perfect at this, but for the most part I was able to have other people, other resources, other support so that my kids could figure themselves out and heal themselves and as well as they had therapists, they had friends. So we weren’t trying to, you know, just be messy, it was just messy.
If you do that and pay attention to your words, how you speak about your ex in front of them, I think is important. You don’t have to like fake it and say, oh, they were just the most amazing husband ever. That’s a lie, but like I always just try to say your dad Sometimes I’ll say his first name but just try to be more neutral about him. You don’t need to like tell your kids, because your kids already have. They already know however they feel about their dad or their mom. But just in your tone around them, I think, is important. And if you make the mistake which sometimes we all do we sometimes blurt out something and we don’t realize our child is listening, we can make the repair immediately Like, hey, bud, I’m so sorry, you heard that. I’m sorry, I said that, I wish I would have said this. And then just say whatever you needed to say. And then, hey, how are you doing? And let them tell you whatever they need to tell you. Create an agreement with them. Hey, what do you want to know? What don’t you want to know? Will you let me know if you have a question and respect those boundaries from them, respect whatever they say, whatever the agreement is that you guys come with talking about the divorce, the affair, whatever it is and that could be if you did get divorced or if you stayed together. Create an agreement and they could be like hey, mom, you know I don’t have any questions right now, but I might later. Can I ask you those? When I have them? Absolutely 100%, you can, and so create the agreement. If that’s what you want to say, okay, so just have the open communication with your kids.
Another thing that I have really worked on is deciding what kind of parent I want to be, regardless of what kind of parent their dad is or their mom is right. And so decide who do you want to be, because it doesn’t matter what anyone else tells you you should be what you think you should be. It’s deciding who you want to be. How do you want to show up, and that has really, I feel like, done really well for me. And then, when I show up in a way I know is not how I want to be, I can say, hey, I really sucked at whatever I did, like I had to do it on the way here just a few minutes ago, before I was recording this, that I was like I really showed up in a really poor way and I’m sorry, and I think that’s just what kids they need to hear. Their parents aren’t perfect. We make mistakes sometimes, we say the wrong things sometimes, but it’s in that repair that you’re going to build a closeness and more connection, which is what we want At least, that’s what I want with my own children.
I have recently been thinking about this, and not that I’m dating or planning on getting married, but I was just curious. I’ve been thinking like, okay, if I did get remarried, what do I want that to look like? And this is my opinion and you can agree with it or not, but when you get married the first time, we marry our spouse first and we have children later, right? So in a first marriage, our spouse comes first, for the most part, obviously our kids. But that marriage needs to be really watched and taken care of. I’m going to say in the 26 years that I was married, I probably didn’t always do that and I probably put my kids first sometimes, right, so I was not perfect in that and that I’m not saying you should be, but really focusing on your core marriage. However, in my opinion, a second marriage you have children, right, your children, in my opinion, come first. Now, that doesn’t mean, like you ignore your whoever you remarry, but you have.
It is a different walk and I think a lot of second marriages and I’m not talking about marriages that you create a blended family with, I’m talking about adults. They’re adult kids, right, and I’m not saying we should drop everything for our adult kids, but I just think we have to be a little bit more mindful of our kids and not to say we sacrifice everything for them, but just remember that they do have an opinion and maybe we should at least counsel with them or talk to them. And I don’t like the idea of I’m a package deal and take it or leave it like I feel like that is creating, like I am choosing this new person over you, my kids, who have been a part of my life and I gave you know, I created you, and so I just think there is a healthy balance that needs to happen when trying to, you know, create a second marriage with adult children. Okay, that’s going to look different for everyone, but I think it’s in my opinion, somehow I’ve met many people in second marriages that it’s like they almost forgot they had kids and then they just get remarried and I think it’s because they’re so desperate to meet, fill a need inside of them that they haven’t healed from their first marriage, from their divorce, that they just latch on to someone. I I don’t know, but that’s my opinion and I just think, the more you can bring your kids into your relationship and get their buy-in, the better. Okay, it’s going to create more unity, more, and you can decide do you want to, you know, combine your kids ever?
Maybe, maybe not, I don’t know, because chances are in a second marriage, especially. They call it a gray divorce. I’m apparently in that because I’m over 50, but you know you’re gonna have older kids and you might even have grandkids. I think I went off on a tangent on that, but anyway. So honesty is always the best policy. So recently I thought this was so appropriate. If you watched in the 80s Beverly Hills Cop, they have just done a reboot of Beverly Hills Cop, axel Foley with Eddie Murphy and it is so good. I just watched it the other night. I don’t know, it was just very nostalgic.
But the best line of this movie, which I thought was so appropriate for this podcast as well as for me in my life, is this he goes back to Beverly Hills. He’s trying to build this relationship because he has an estranged relationship with his daughter and he just wants it to go back to normal and she’s like Dad. I’ve been through lots of therapy and I learned that, even though you and I are both adults. You’re still my dad and you are the adult in this relationship. And that’s probably not exactly what she said, but it is so true. I don’t care how old you are.
When you have the parent-child relationship, your parent is the adult and it is the parent’s job to repair the relationship with their kids. Okay, I’m not saying kids don’t have any ownership. They’re not responsible for their own actions or feelings, absolutely. But if you are the one that had the affair, it is not your child’s job or whatever else you did. It’s not your child’s job to make it better. It is your job to do that repair with your child. I don’t care what age they are and same with you, like for me, I have kids. It is my job to repair with them with certain things. I’m not saying that they don’t have any ownership in that, but if they are asking, if your kids are asking for that, it is not your job to say get over it. I don’t know what your problem is. Deal with it. This is life. People have affairs.
I was miserable in my marriage. Your mom didn’t do X, y and Z. That is not your tactic of building a relationship with your child. So if you want to, it’s great, but I promise you that’s not going to make them want to hang out with you and be with you. So repair, learning to repair, is the greatest gift that you can give your kids, and you have to do it all the time, with little fights and I’m sorry, it’s just. It’s not enough to say I’m sorry, like it’s just not enough. You have to do more. It’s going to be helpful. Acknowledge what you’re sorry for, take ownership for your actions. It takes a lot of practice, a lot of skill, and some people are better at it than others.
But, recognizing what part I had in this, in my own situation, I’ve had to do a lot of repair. I wasn’t the one who had an affair. Own situation I’ve had to do a lot of repair. I wasn’t the one who had an affair. However, I was the one who kept on staying, who kept on living in an unhealthy marriage, who kept on letting someone disrespect me so much that they kept on having affairs. So what is that message that I taught my daughters, that I taught my sons that that’s okay and I don’t want them to think that that’s okay. So I’ve had to repair with them. Let them know this is what I did was wrong. I shouldn’t have stayed. However I did and I’m sorry. This is what I’ve learned from it and just take ownership for what I did.
And I know from my own experience that my kids, like now understand it and can have like. We have such great connection. I have a great relationship with my kids because I’ve been able to take full accountability for my part in this as well as repair with them and listen to them and listen to how that hurt them, what I, you know, did, and those are painful. It’s painful to hear that but it’s gonna do you well if you’re willing to hear that and sit with that. Okay, it’s okay that your ex spouse, if you’re divorced, they get to be however they want to be. You may not agree with it, but learning to be okay with however they do it, if you don’t think it’s right or it’s wrong or whatever, being okay with it and teaching your kids like okay, this is just how your dad is, like sorry, but like we just have to accept it, right, right, acceptance will be so much better for you than wishing they were something different. That’s going to make you miserable. Oh, I obviously have a lot on this topic.
So, really fast, I just if you are the one that had the affair, this is in psychology today. Don’t downplay it. Lying about the affair is unhelpful and actually makes it worse for your kids. Choosing your new wife over your kids is also very unhelpful and harmful. Withholding information when asked by your adult children, tell the truth. Take full accountability and ownership for what you did or did not do. Well, don’t blame your their mom for whatever you think that you want to blame them for making promises you don’t plan on keeping.
If you choose to marry or live with the person you had an affair with, understand that there are consequences to your actions that are out of your control and you need to be okay with that. In closing, I think a lot of people think you know I can make this choice and then everyone else just has to be okay with it. Well, when we have adults that we’re dealing with, we all have different feelings, thoughts. Well, when we have adults that we’re dealing with, we all have different feelings, thoughts, reactions. We have to allow our kids to feel those feelings and to do whatever they want to do. However they react to it is okay, instead of making them wrong for their reaction. It’s not going to be helpful in the healing process.
I believe it’s totally possible to heal these relationships. It may not be on your time schedule, it may not happen the way you think it should or shouldn’t, and so hopefully this was helpful. I think honesty is the best policy when it comes to do I tell my children you don’t need to tell them every nitty gritty thing about it, you don’t need to show them text messages or pictures or whatever documentation that you have, but letting them know that because it’s going to help them make sense, because chances are they may have even seen it or they felt something that was going on in their house and then this helps it make sense. Oh, that’s why dad was being weird, that’s why he didn’t come home that night, that’s why he asked me to watch the kids, it’s because he was having an affair, so it helps them also process things.
If you have any other questions you want me to answer on this podcast, please send them to me. Email them to me. I love talking about things that are helpful for you. This was also helpful for me because I’m right in the thick of all of this. If you need help healing from betrayal. Please reach out. I’d love to be your coach If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at. Hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
