Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey everyone, welcome to today’s podcast Today.
Today I’m going to talk about a really exciting subject a rock bottom, and I don’t know if you’ve ever said this, if you’ve ever thought this, but I for sure have. And several years ago I was talking to someone in my church. Talking to someone in my church and they told me we were in a meeting, I was with my spouse and they were saying that they didn’t think that they had hit rock bottom. And when I heard this, I remember being so angry and thinking I am drowning here Like I’m at the bottom of the ocean and what do you mean? We haven’t hit rock bottom. Like I am at the bottom of the bottom of the bottom and I don’t see how I can go any farther and I just felt that that moment when they said that, even though it was not to me, I felt that it was to me and I took it very personally and I just felt like I got pushed down even further because in my mind I was desperately trying to save my family, my marriage, and so hearing these words so rock bottom has always, I think, been a little trigger for me. And after I have thought a lot about this experience and I realized that this was something that was in God’s hands, not mine, like meaning saving my family and all this pressure that I put on myself of you know and realizing, like victimhood and healing myself, and I just had to let go of the outcome, which is really hard to do and it did take me several years to finally choose divorce.
But if you have this experience, if you felt like you’re at rock bottom, or if you feel like your spouse, who has betrayed you, is at rock bottom, this may be very helpful for you. Because I’m just going to help you understand what this means and I think a lot of times when people you know usually it has to do with a relationship, when they feel like they’ve hit rock bottom, it has to be a relationship gone bad, a drug overdose, a job loss, a severe injury, a life-threatening diagnosis, overwhelming financial problems, and I think all these things could cause someone to hit rock bottom what we’re gonna call rock bottom, but for my purposes betrayal. When you find, you discover your spouse is having an affair that feels like rock bottom, and what I also want you to recognize if you’ve ever had any of these other experiences with different things that might cause someone to hit rock bottom that many people never hit rock bottom because they keep digging and when you hear rock bottom, you’re like wait, you hit a rock. It’s really hard to dig through the rock, but they might start digging another way. Right, they go sideways. I always say that you know, if you don’t heal those wounds, they’re always going to come out sideways. So it could be they are digging other places. Okay, so they’re digging even deeper or just a different direction.
People don’t change when they hit rock bottom. They change when they start to have hope of something better. That is something my therapist told me and I loved that, because hope is the thing that gets us to change Hope of something different, and hope is the key to change. And I think that is so beautiful because I was struggling, seeing. Wait, haven’t they hit rock bottom? All these things have happened in their life or all these things are going on. Why aren’t they changing? But those things that we think right, we think surely if they’re, you know, in jail or whatever, is going on right. If someone did drugs and they got caught and they were in jail or they had a DUI or whatever we think could be rock bottom, that doesn’t necessarily create the change, but hope can help someone change.
Hitting rock bottom in your relationship can you come back from these things? Okay, so if you’ve hit rock bottom or your spouse has? I think relationships are a roller coaster of emotions, experiences and challenges. Of course, in relationships especially, we’re going to have difficult challenges. The question often lingers in such moments is whether is it possible to come back from the depths of despair and rebuild a relationship that was once thriving and I think many of you listening can we heal our relationship after betrayal? For me, I think the answer is yes, but it’s going to take a lot of repair. It’s going to take a lot of transparency, accountability. It’s going to take two of you for sure. You can heal yourself by yourself. I am an example of that. But it’s going to take work and intentionality.
So, regardless of where you are at, if you’re divorced, can you get in another relationship and have a healthy relationship? Absolutely, but the healing has to happen. You have to find that hope, you have to find that desire, okay. So if you understand, like, what rock bottom is for you, is for your marriage and I’m guessing, if you’ve experienced betrayal, just the knowledge of that happening is rock bottom. But just because someone had an affair, it doesn’t always mean they’re going to have another affair, but it can sometimes mean that they will have another affair. Right? A cheater isn’t always a cheater, but sometimes you know every person is different If they haven’t healed that part of them, if they haven’t acknowledged why they cheated in the first place and it had nothing to do with you. Remember that. So, understanding what rock bottom is for you and your relationship Many times, of course, it’s because communication broke down and there’s going to be trust issues and a lot of stressors.
There’s going to be trust issues and a lot of stressors. Things happen in your marriage, in your life, bringing kids into the equation, work. There’s lots of reasons why people hit rock bottom, but it is definitely possible to come out of that and I’m just going to give you some ways. If you feel like you’ve hit rock bottom or your marriage has hit rock bottom, how to come out of this I think could be helpful and I for sure have talked about all of them but in the framework of rock bottom, and know that it’s possible that you’re ready to move and progress and get out of that pit of despair, but your spouse just wants to keep digging. That is possibility and so be open to that possibility.
But you’re the only person that can change. You can’t force someone else to change. Can change for you, know you. You can’t force someone else to change, but for yourself. I hope that you decide like I’ve got a, I can’t stay stuck here. For me it felt like I was at the bottom of the ocean. That water was on top of me. I felt like I was drowning. For you it might feel different. However, describe it however you want, but understand. Understand like okay, you’re ready. You’ve reached a point in your life, in your relationship, that something has got to change, and bringing hope into the equation is going to be really powerful.
Having open communication with your spouse is going to be key in getting yourself to not be at rock bottom. You’re going to have to rebuild and find a way to communicate, and it has to be honestly. I kind of get triggered with communication because my former spouse always told me I was a terrible communicator but I was trying to communicate with someone that wasn’t being honest with me, and so you cannot communicate with someone that’s not honest with you. You have to be honest, even if the honesty you feel like, oh, that’s going to hurt their feelings. You can’t hurt someone else’s feelings, right? We have to just say our truth and, of course, say it in a kind way and possibly with a coach, with a therapist, make sure you feel safe in sharing, and maybe you need someone to help you at first navigate. Maybe you need to write down what you want to say. Maybe you’re not ready to say it in words, but you can say it by writing.
Rebuilding trust is the only way out of rock bottom. When we’re talking about infidelity and really actually many things. Right, if someone was an alcoholic or doing drugs, they probably have lost trust. So you have to rebuild the trust when trust is broken. So you have to rebuild the trust. When trust is broken, it is your job to work on rebuilding it. Okay, it requires consistency, transparency, commitment to change. Both partners have to be willing to address the root of the issue. Okay, to work together and rebuild that foundation I’ve talked about with John Deloney. He always says you have to tear down your entire house and rebuild from the ground up, which I totally believe is true, and I think Esther Perel talks about that too.
Forgiveness I know a lot of you struggle with this. I’ve struggled with this. Just because you forgive someone does not mean you are okay with what they did, does not give them permission. You’re not condoning their behavior, you’re not necessarily forgetting about it, but you’re also not bringing it up all the time. You’re actually forgiving them. Okay, you’re not getting stuck in your past, you’re moving to your future.
Self-reflection is going to be really important in getting out of rock bottom, looking inside of you to see how you want to be different, what parts of you you want to change and how you maybe want to do things differently than you did before. Self-awareness, finding when you’re blaming, when you’re shaming someone or yourself, blaming yourself, blaming someone else all those things that I’ve talked to you about, just becoming more aware of them. Obviously, getting professional help, working with someone a coach or a therapist or both to help you see your blind spots, see where you can’t see. You can only focus on your spouse and what they’re doing wrong, instead of focus on what you are doing wrong or could do better. Creating different strategies and techniques is going to be really helpful. Creating different strategies and techniques it’s going to be really helpful. Creating boundaries is so helpful and it’s going to help you get out of rock bottom because you’re going to be able to speak what you’re okay with, what you’re not okay with, reframe different issues in your marriage, communicate what your boundaries are and if the person isn’t willing to respect your boundaries, you know that, okay, they’re not willing, they’re not wanting to change, they aren’t wanting to rebuild this marriage. Having shared goals and visions with your partner is going to be really crucial in getting you out of rock bottom. You know creating.
You know a plan, talking about your future instead of talking about your past all the time, right, moving through, and you know it’s going to be exciting when you talk about your future. It can be exciting. Some of you I myself I was talking to my son about this yesterday and I’m like you know I can only think about a year ahead, or maybe a few months, like I have a hard time thinking about my future like in five years. I’m not sure why, but that feels very daunting to me, but I’m like I can think about it a year ahead of time. So don’t get mad at yourself if you’re like well, I don’t know where I’m going to be in 10 years. That feels scary to you or unsafe. So just go a month ahead, or six months or one year. So, whatever your capacity is, do that. Make sure you’re personally growing to get out of rock bottom.
Don’t just focus on your spouse. Well, they’re the ones who cheated, so it’s up to them to pull us out. It’s not just up to them, it’s up to you, okay? So don’t give them the power over your life Plan. On having setbacks and relapses and I’m not, I mean, this one’s a hard one, right Because you don’t like, oh, expect them to continue cheating on you Not necessarily, but maybe you’re going to have a setback where you’re going to get in a fight about the other woman or the other man, or you’re going to have a day that you just feel like you fell back into the hole, right? Just expect that, expect that it’s not just a straight line up. It is going to be a very curvy road. If you’ve ever been on, I think it’s like the road to Hana in Hawaii and Maui. It is very curvy, and so expect it to be a road like that. Or if you’ve ever been on another really curvy road. It’s not just a straight line of healing. It’s going to be a path that is going to have some bumps and probably a pothole or two. Learn from setbacks, so pay attention to when you recognize like, oh, that happened before. Oh, good news. Okay, you’re going to have to adapt and adjust.
Flexibility we talked about flexibility in a podcast a few podcasts ago. Being flexible in your recovery process, because life we need to have a lot of flexibility in our life. In our life and adapting these strategies and practicing them and giving ourselves lots of grace and compassion. Being consistent, I think, is really big because that’s going to help you build trust as well. Sharing with your partner your feelings, your concerns, anything that’s going on for you, and practicing that consistently is going to be really helpful. Reassessing your goals so if something changes and you’re like let’s have this conversation and maybe once a week you talk or about this? Maybe once a month, it just depends about this. Maybe once a month, it just depends. You guys get to decide how you want to reframe and get yourself out of rock bottom, especially if you’re trying to rebuild your marriage.
But even if your marriage is going to end up in divorce, this is going to be key in your healing journey because you want to heal and, especially if you want the option to maybe get remarried again, you don’t want to bring all this baggage into your new marriage. You want to heal that. Make sure you’re getting outside help. If you need outside help, especially if you have young kids, maybe you need to hire a babysitter if you weren’t doing that before, so you can go on date nights. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s actually really good to ask for help. Finding a support system with friends and family, getting in support groups there are so many support groups, support groups there are so many support groups and I’m actually working on creating one for all of you that have been betrayed, because I’m really passionate. I think we heal in community and we need to know we’re not alone and just realize that your marriage before you fell into you know.
I’m going to just call it rock bottom. When you got into rock bottom, it’s going to look different as you climb out and hopefully it’s going to be a lot stronger and a lot better and more fulfilling, more beautiful than it was before. Because now you’re creating it on purpose, you’re intentionally doing all these things, you’re intentionally working on communication and intimacy and forgiveness and all these things that I think are going to be helpful for you in your healing journey, in your healing journey. And so don’t compare from your past marriage to your new marriage. It’s not going to be helpful.
Just know that if you feel like you’re at rock bottom, that there is always a way out and that’s going to take some hope, that there is a chance for something to be different. And if your spouse doesn’t want to come along with you right now, that’s okay. You can be the one, you can be the leader. You can start digging yourself out of that hole and start healing yourself and hopefully they will come with you. But if they don’t, that’s okay. You can do it. Do it for you, do it for your kids, and I promise living, not being in that hole anymore, is going to be such a beautiful thing I always envision. I can think back when I thought like I was just drowning and now I’m not drowning anymore. I actually have the ability to help other people because I’ve been able to pull myself out of that hole. Preserver, or you know the person that throws down the rope to help pull someone up. I can be that person, which I’m really grateful for because of the work that I’ve done. But I know you can totally do that too and hopefully you’ll have that desire. You’ll have that little bit of hope that life isn’t meant to live in that dark hole of despair and it is possible to pull yourself out of that.
Anyways, thanks so much for listening. I hope you have a beautiful day. If you liked this podcast, please like and share and remember you can text me, go into whatever. However, you’re listening to my podcast and at the top it will say thanks for listening to happily, even after podcast and will be highlighted. Press on that and send me a text and it will be so much fun. You can say whatever you want. Send me a message, let me know what you’d like to hear, what things you’d like to. Anyways, thanks for listening and I will talk to you next week If you want to learn how to live happily even after. Sign up for my email at. Hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
