Welcome to my podcast Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So I’ve been thinking about this topic and I’ve actually had a known a lot of women and myself included, and I think this is definitely probably leaning more towards women. But if you are a man listening to this, I think you can definitely get some tips and maybe reconsider how you’re doing things. And and I’m going to talk about money I think money is probably the biggest fear at least it was for me as a stay-at-home mom for prohibiting me from having the courage to get divorced, because we need money to live. It costs money. I mean, I could choose to be homeless and live off the government, I guess, but in reality it takes money to live our life and I think for a lot of women considering divorce, it is a huge factor and, I’m going to say, one of the main factors. So, whether you’re married or divorced, I think this is going to be helpful because I want you to evaluate, like, how you’re viewing money, how you’re handling money in your home right now, and maybe consider like learning some tips and get some ideas of, maybe what you could be doing differently or continue doing.
I think usually in a marriage there’s one person that is more in charge of the money. I don’t know. In my marriage, my spouse was the one who worked and then I paid all the bills and so I kind of managed the money, which I actually am really grateful that that was my role, especially now, because I have met a lot of women that had never been in charge of the money before. So they get divorced and now they’re trying to learn how to pay a bill in their 40s, 50s, 60s. And you might think it’s just common sense or logical, but it’s very overwhelming, especially if you’ve been divorced and especially if betrayal is the reason you got divorced infidelity. There’s so many emotions and so many things you’re processing and figuring out. To add one more thing like paying a bill can be really, really overwhelming and paralyzing, and so if you are the person that doesn’t pay bills in your marriage, I would maybe, you know, talk to your spouse and say, hey, you know, can we just maybe pay them together, or you try it for a few months, or I don’t know.
Just at least know what bills you have, because there’s a lot of people that are completely clueless. My former spouse he had no idea what our bills were and he liked it that way and it worked fine for me, but I’m guessing it wasn’t very helpful. I don’t think that was helpful in our marriage that he didn’t know what our rent or our—he probably knew what our mortgage was. But like our power bill, our gas bill, all the things, how much different things cost, if you know how much things cost, you’re just. It just gives you a lot more awareness how much food costs and how much you know just traveling or all the things that you’re doing, whatever you’re doing with your money. I think it’s just important to have a basic knowledge. Now you don’t need to, then you know, take over the bills or whatever, but just at least know how to pay them, whether you pay them online, my mom, bless her heart, she still pays, uses a check and sends the check in, which is fine, but nowadays there’s so many tools online bill pay or a lot of companies you know they just do automatic bill pay, or a lot of companies you know they just do automatic and so it makes it a lot easier to like not be late, and that’s something to be aware of too, like knowing when your bill is due, because if you’re late, then you’re going to get penalized and it could affect your credit. Know your credit score. What even is a credit score? Do you have a credit score? Do you have? Have you built credit?
If you’re planning on getting divorced, you need to get a credit card in your name only because it’s going to be hard, if not impossible, to get one after you get divorced, especially if you haven’t had income. I know several women that didn’t do this, and so then they get divorced. Now they are unable to get a credit card, which is so, you know, unfortunate. Like it’s so frustrating because and maybe you’re anti-credit cards, but it’s just good to have a credit card for emergencies and to build your credit, like you don’t have to like keep a balance on it, and you know we all have different money stories and you know what our parents taught us and all that, but just for the world we live in. If you ever want to travel, you need a credit card and you might need a few credit cards, and that’s going to be much easier to get when you’re married.
So, if you are considering divorce, you don’t have a credit card in your name and that doesn’t mean you are the authorized signer on the credit card, because that doesn’t count. Okay, because once you get divorced, you are not going to be the authorized signer on your spouse’s account anymore. He’s going to take you off or she’s going to take you off. So get one just in your name. I think would be a big, big plus. And even if you are planning on staying married, it’s good to have that in your name. That’s your responsibility. Now, if you’re worried, okay, separate, you can still check in. Hey, hey, you know, show your credit card statement to your spouse. If there’s a you know accountability, a transparency issue, as far as you know, if there has been infidelity or some sort of breaking of a trust, then still allow the person to have access so they can see what you’re purchasing, or you can see what they’re purchasing. I think is important, but having your own credit card would be something really important.
Okay, most people hate taxes, but the thing is, in our society we pay taxes. I know many women that have never gone to meet with their accountant. If they have an accountant, they have no clue. They don’t know what they need to gather for their taxes, they’re not sure what they can write off or what’s important to know in your taxes. So if you’re like, oh, that’s my husband’s job, I would challenge you this coming year to say you know, actually I want to go to the accountant and meet with the accountant, I want to learn about it, I want to see who our accountant is, because that’s actually been very helpful. I have a relationship with my accountant, so then if I ever have a question, I can send him an email. He will help me, because we’ve already established this relationship for years.
Okay, and I did most of our taxes, not personally, but like I went and met with the accountant. So I just think, if you’re not doing this, I would challenge you to do it Now if you’re the type that you know fills out your own taxes. So when I first got divorced, my kids had small jobs and I was very intimidated, but my accountant was like you know, you’re going to pay me $500 or whatever. It was something like that. It was a lot for them to get like $50 back. But there’s free, this free website, you can do it. And so it was like ridiculous for me to, you know, overpay so that I can, they can get their $50. So I sat down. I’m like I can figure this out and I did it.
So challenge yourself when you tell yourself you can’t do something. What if you can? What if it’s not that hard? So just pay attention to your thoughts, because your thoughts are everything, especially when it comes to money and deciding. If you believe you can do it and you can’t. You’re not going to mess anything up. It’s this, you know, government website. You could call and get help from someone, but it actually builds your confidence and your independence, especially if you’re a single parent. So I would just encourage you to, whatever your financial status is, knowing what taxes are, knowing what tax bracket you’re in, knowing what you can. You know all those different things. There’s lots of things go into taxes and they’re going to. You get things in the mail and do you need to save this and whatever. Create a folder, and so then it’s not so stressful doing your taxes. Create a folder and so then it’s not so stressful doing your taxes.
If you have investments, know your financial advisor. I know a lot of women. They’re like oh, my husband takes care of that. I don’t know what a 401k is. I mean, just hearing that makes me cringe, but I’m like, why not? You can have a basic information, basic understanding of what a mutual fund is, what an IRA is. You don’t have to. You know trade stocks if you don’t want to, or you don’t have to ever look at the stock market if that stresses you out, but at least know who is your financial advisor.
If you have a financial advisor, do you need a financial advisor? I think having that relationship because when something does happen you know who to call and if you don’t like the financial advisor that you have when you’re married, you can find another one for yourself. Okay, so that’s like for retirement. A lot of marriages, when divorce happens, you get usually half of their 401k, half of the assets. So it’s important. You’re going to have to then be in charge of this money for your retirement.
I think it would be important to understand what that is, as opposed to be like, oh, I don’t do that, okay, so just pay attention. And if you know you’re going to get divorced, start now like, start figuring out, like okay, I need to know this information. Pay attention, beneficiaries you’re going to have chances. Are you and your spouse are each other’s beneficiaries? Well, if you get divorced, do you and your spouse are each other’s beneficiaries? Well, if you get divorced, do you want your spouse to be your beneficiary? Maybe you want your kids? So there’s lots of things that if you just ignore, aren’t going to change on their own. You’re going to have to change them.
If you have an attorney, or how to find an attorney, who do I ask for an attorney? Or how to find an attorney, who do I ask for an attorney? You can. A lot of attorneys do free consults. A lot of them don’t do free consults anymore, but I guarantee whatever they’re charging $250, $350, $450 for one hour it is worth it to get the information that you need to get. It is worth knowing and getting knowledge. Knowledge is power and see if you vibe with them and see if you know what you think of them.
I think if you’ve had, depending on what your assets are, but having an estate plan, knowing if you have small kids, you might have to redo your estate plan, right? So you have to not be afraid to do these things that can feel intimidating or scary, or a will or whatever you’re doing. Just know these are things that might need to happen and be a part of it. If you have done an estate plan, don’t just say, oh, I’m going to let my husband do that, I don’t need to be a part of it. If you have done an estate plan, don’t just say, oh, I’m going to let my husband do that, I don’t need to be a part of that. Make time to be a part of that. It’s important, right? It’s a one-time meeting and sometimes it’s a Zoom meeting or it doesn’t have to be a difficult meeting to go to and you might not be super fascinated about it, but I promise you you’re going to want to know, especially if something happens.
Learn if you are getting divorced. Learn about what the law is. What are you entitled to, what is the standard, what can you ask for? Okay, don’t just take your spouse’s word of what they’re telling you, because they’re so much more educated than you are. They’ve been out in the real world and you’ve been at home taking care of babies. Find out for yourself so you know what you know is possible. Okay, and ask a few attorneys. Don’t just go to one, or don’t go to the friend or you know, I grew up in a family of attorneys, so of course I’ve asked them questions, but it’s like no, you need to hire a neutral attorney.
I think that’s important. If you’ve never gotten a loan before, like when you get a mortgage I feel like most couples do that together, like they go and, you know, sign all the papers because you kind of have to, but make sure you’re participating in those things or a car loan if you’ve never gotten a car loan, like, figure out how to do that now. So if you’re, and you may never get divorced, but I think it’s really important. It’s important. I’ve been working on helping my kids understand this stuff, because they’re going to, I’m going to send them out into the world and they’re going to need to understand what a loan is and why it’s important to pay their bill on time and all these things. So I just, if you have the opportunity you know I said that before know what your credit score is. If you don’t have credit, start building some credit.
It gets complicated after divorce Even myself when your main income is alimony. When your main income is alimony, they don’t just go off that. You have to wait six months at least they did in Utah to even give me a loan for my home, and so there’s lots of nuances that you don’t even understand or know. And so, knowing that ahead of time which is one thing I didn’t know ahead of time I just thought oh, I have credit, surely they’re going to give me it won’t be hard. But it became a lot harder. I had to do a lot more work and luckily I had good people helping me, but it wasn’t just super easy like it had been before when I was married.
So make sure you’re participating in big purchases like your home. I think often that happens, but sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes, depending on your spouse, they might just go buy something, have you know how to know how to plan a vacation, know how to do things that you might think well, I don’t really like doing that, but at least, maybe at least try it one time so you at least know how to do it, because if you, your spouse, could die and then then what right you have all these things that it’s very overwhelming to learn all this money stuff in a day, so you might as well spend the next few years learning it, or next lifetime, depending on how old you are. You might as well take moments. I’m really grateful that I actually was more involved in money in my marriage because that part wasn’t so scary.
But I’ve met so many women that are terrifies them. They don’t even know where to begin Learn how to operate. These are outside things. So this isn’t necessarily money, but I just think so often we’re like, oh, that’s my husband’s job, like learning how to mow a lawn. I personally have never mowed a lawn and I still haven’t. But I think maybe if I had a lawnmower I could do that right. I just I never learned how to mow a lawn. I do not know how to work my snowblower. I try every year and it’s so big and it just it intimidates me, so I don’t feel comfortable doing it. So if there are things like yard equipment that you haven’t done before, learning how to do that would be helpful, even if you’re. I think some women are like, well, if I learn how to do it, then I’m gonna have to be the one doing it. It’s not true, but learning those things I think are really could be really helpful.
If you know heaven forbid, your spouse died or you did get divorced understanding medical insurance, what your medical benefits are, what what that entails, what it covers, like where your doctors are, I I think I’m going to say, well for me, I’ve been to so many doctor’s appointments over the years, Like I have that down, but my spouse not so much, probably, right, my former spouse because he wasn’t involved in taking the kids to all their doctor’s appointments. But if you don’t feel comfortable, if you don’t know your plan because you’re like, oh, that’s through my husband’s work, figure it out, get familiar with that and just understand that, because then you’re going to make sure you’re going to go to the right hospital, you’re going to go to the right doctor and not have to pay more because you didn’t read the fine print or you didn’t understand where you should be going. So consider things in your life that you don’t understand and maybe take an opportunity to learn what they are and think about, like, what is your belief about money? I never had scarcity issues when I was married. I always my former spouse was very successful and I never worried about money. But when I got divorced it became I was definitely nervous, more nervous and more worried, and I have been more stressed about money, which I don’t like. That feeling, it makes me feel out of control. So I just have tried to think, okay, I believe I can manage money and I can figure this out and I have the ability to make money, and so it just is a mindset shift and so pay attention to what you believe now about money, and if you don’t like that belief, then you can switch it if you want, if you can. You know you just have to give yourself evidence and think different thoughts. What did your spouse or your ex-spouse, what do they think? What do they say about you and money? So I have a lot of negative thoughts about that.
I believe that my spouse thought I wasn’t good at managing money. I didn’t know how to do a budget. I didn’t know how to do a budget. I wasn’t good at budgeting, I spent money, and so I’ve just had to take those things that he has told me over the years and consider is that true? Okay, maybe.
But also, now that I’m single, I’ve proven, like, actually, oh, I can manage money. Like, now that I’m single, I’ve proven, like actually, oh, I can manage money. Like, am I great at budgeting? I’m not going to say I am not the person that has the envelopes of the. You know, if I only have $10 left for groceries and it’s 20, I am going to definitely go to the. I’m going to find it somewhere else. Right? I’m not that disciplined, I’m not that person.
So some people maybe are for sure much better budgeters than I am, but I wouldn’t say I’m a terrible budgeter and that’s how I felt, like I was doing it wrong. Now I just have a different way of doing it and now I get to be in charge of my money and so and I get to choose if I want to spend it on whatever I want to spend it on, and so decide like do you want to carry on the beliefs that your ex-spouse had about you and money, or do you want to create new beliefs? And if they were helpful beliefs, then you might want to keep them. But if they weren’t, if they’re holding you back, you can totally change them. You don’t have to believe that anymore. Just because they believe that about you, you don’t have to believe that anymore.
Another you know for sure, figuring out how to budget. I use Rocket Money and I have loved that. So I used to use Mint and then somehow Mint went away and so I found Rocket Money and I love that because I can. It puts automatically all your whatever you know, all the things you have your checking account and your credit cards. It links it and then it shows you where your money’s going, and that’s actually very helpful for me to see it and look at it and be like, oh wow, I’ve spent a lot of money on eating out this month. Okay, hey guys, let’s try not to eat out so much or, you know, figure out ways to cut back. It’s a good visual. I’m a visual person, so if that’s helpful for you, you might want to try that, and that’s actually been very empowering for me.
I’ve been doing that probably since like 2018, putting money. I mean, I used to write checks. I used to like balance my checkbook that’s how old I am but nowadays no one writes a check right and so and we have lots of ways we do Venmo and there’s lots of ways money is coming in and out. I always think of money as a flow and so you can’t just like one day you might have a lot of money in your account, whatever you think is a lot of money, and then the next day all your bills go out and you’re like, oh, but I just think it’s good to gauge and have a tool in place, that you’ve already been learning to manage your money. But don’t judge yourself, don’t beat yourself up. If you’re learning these things, there’s nothing wrong with you. You just haven’t done it yet, you haven’t figured it out yet.
Pay attention, are you using money to make yourself feel better instead of feeling your feelings? A lot of people do this, so no judgment. But are you buying something and I think I for sure do this for my kids I might think, oh, they’re sad, a new outfit will make them feel better. I mean, I’m a clothes girl, so clothes and my kids like clothes. It’s like clothes always kind of help, right, it gives you a little dopamine hit. You feel cute when you put them on. It just is a self-esteem boost. But if you don’t have the money to buy the clothes and you’re buying the clothes, that’s going to cause problems. And so really pay attention to if you’re, instead of feeling your feelings, if you’re spending money to help yourself feel better.
The last few things, just questions to think about. Are you teaching your kids about money? I think our. You know, getting divorced, your financial situation changes and it takes a moment to get used to the new situation. And we’re going on two and a half years now and I think we’re not quite there yet. We haven’t quite figured that out, but we’re getting there and I’ve been trying to teach my kids, explain to them. Okay, things are different, it sucks, I’m sorry, but things are a little different now and so figuring out ways, encouraging them, ways that they can make money and they can support themselves I mean, they’re all adults, so it’s not like I’m asking my 10 year old to support himself.
I understand, you know I talked about medical insurance, but also like car insurance. And even my son got a new phone yesterday and the lady called and she’s like I could save you like $80. Like kind of expensive. Maybe ask the company and say, hey, is there a different plan that would be more affordable? I think that’s a possibility for a lot of bills. I just didn’t even dawn on me that the Verizon, my Verizon bill, could go down $80. I’m like, oh, I’m very interested in that. So it just was interesting that she she brought that to me, which I felt really blessed. I’m like thank you so much for for telling me this. But so if you need to find ways to save money, even just looking at your bills, your car payments, your mortgage companies are willing to work with you. So don’t be afraid to ask. That’s a way to you know if you need to reduce your monthly expenses, you can find things.
Don’t think I’ll never have enough money or this is impossible. I’m never going to make my ends meet, because there are ways to find money. Okay, and the last thing I think prevents a lot of people especially getting divorced if they haven’t had a job before. Do you believe that you can make money and it’s possible to believe it, even if you haven’t had proof of it yet and so just consider that it is possible to make your own money to be able to support yourself, because what is worse is staying in a marriage, especially when with infidelity, with lying, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, whatever the abuse is going on, because you’re afraid you don’t know how to make money. I promise there are a million ways to make money in this world and you could figure it out. So I hope this is helpful.
I just want you to, even if you just take one thing from this podcast, to pay attention, to think how can I become more financially responsible, you know, get more knowledge with my money, what is one thing I can do, or a few things, and I think you’re going to just feel better about your situation, because we just never know what tomorrow brings. And if you have money down, the stress level in your life, I think is also going to go down. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. I’d love to be your coach. If you’re interested, please email me or in the show notes of this podcast you can send me a text and it says send us a text message and I’d love to hear from you. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at life coach Jen with one ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after Coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
