Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. So today I’m going to talk about what got me thinking about.
This is a show I watched and it’s funny because last night I was like now where was the show on? Because I just, you know, have my all the channels, all the. It was on HBO. I’m like I didn’t even know I had HBO, but apparently I do had HBO, but apparently I do. And it’s funny because this show premiered in 2019 and now it’s 2024 and I’m just watching it. But it was called Big Little Lies and I think if you haven’t seen it, I mean, I’m going to tell you about it. So some of you may really love it and then it might be hard for some of you to watch this For whatever reason.
For myself, shows like this. They call it dark comedy. It’s a drama dark comedy. Nicole Kidman, wreaths Witherspoon, who I love, laura Dern, adam Scott, meryl Streep Laura Dern, adam Scott, meryl Streep and like a ton of other stars are in this. So it is good, like great characters, and it is very well done. But the premise of the show there’s two seasons and they said they’re going to make a new season, and so I think there is going to be a new season, which it needs to have a new season, because how it ended was like, oh, I need a little more.
But the topics that this show covers are murder, rape affairs, bankruptcy, keeping up with the Joneses, single mothers, alcoholism. There’s alcoholism, divorce, co-parenting, domestic violence, loss, grief, bullying, secrets and a lot of lying and covering up. And I think why, for me, I like to watch shows like this? Because it shows they do such a great job of showing what a lie does to people and how one lie leads to another lie. And I don’t know if it validates how I felt in my own life, in my own lie, that I was living or what, but I just connect. Even though a lot of the things that happen in this show didn’t necessarily happen to me it feels very validating and like, oh, someone gets me, someone understands. Yes, that is what a lie feels like.
I am looking at something I’ve said before. I’m a visual person. I see that that is what a lie does to a person it eats you alive. And so I think if you’ve been betrayed, the most damaging obviously the betrayal itself, like knowing your spouse had sex with another human being, is very painful. But the most painful part, in my opinion, is the lying around it, the gaslighting, the manipulation, because we can handle the truth, even though the truth is hard to hear. And first of all, the truth before an affair would be I don’t want to be married to you anymore, or I don’t really feel a connection with you or something’s going on. And before the affair, even reason like work on your marriage, right.
But most people, instead of telling the truth about their feelings or whatever’s going on, they lie to their partner. They meet someone else, they lie to that person, right, and sometimes they don’t lie to the affair partner, but oftentimes they do. So it becomes this just mess of lies. So that’s why I like the show. It has very deep, hard topics but, I think, important topics that are a reality of people’s lives and it doesn’t make light of it, but it is a dark comedy and I think sometimes it’s like laughing is almost sometimes more helpful than crying, like I’ve cried a million tears, but also sometimes it’s like just it just lands different. Anyways, but I’ve been thinking about, like, what lying does to our body. Lying when someone lies, it triggers their heart rate. You can get high blood pressure and elevated levels of stress hormones in your blood. Over time it can take a significant toll on mental and physical health. You constantly need to keep your story straight and it can be exhausting.
So this is the person that’s lying, right, and in an affair situation especially if there’s been multiple affairs or whatever your situation, if you decided to stay married and then get divorced, whatever that part is. Even the person like I didn’t cheat on my spouse but I definitely covered up for him and I lied to myself. I lied to my kids, my family, and it wasn’t like I was outwardly lying. I’m going to just say it was omission. I just didn’t tell anyone, I kept all that hidden and that is from shame, right. I had so much shame I couldn’t even believe what was going on in my marriage, on in my marriage and so I didn’t say it and I basically was, you know, lying to myself and so lying there’s lots of different forms of lying and so the person that’s having the affair is lying and then, in turn, you are also lying, right?
So it causes lots of problems and the more and more we’ve learned about stress, cortisol, high cortisol in our bodies it is wreaking havoc on our society right now. A lot of mental health issues are from high amounts of stress, high levels of cortisol. A lot of weight issues are connected with this. A lot of internal issues. Weight issues are connected with this, a lot of internal issues. So it’s really something to pay attention. It’s worth noting in your life what kind of stress and what’s causing the stress.
A lot of times, why it feels like safer to like when you’re having an affair and because they don’t have to necessarily sometimes they don’t have to lie to their affair partner. So it’s like almost like it feels like a relief that, oh, this is the place I can be honest, okay, but it’s just false, right. So you might feel better for a moment because in that little bubble you can be honest, but the rest of your life you’re lying about okay, and so it just it’s a false thinking that, well, because I can lie to my affair partner, or I don’t have to lie to my affair partner, they know the truth, they know I’m married, they know. Whatever they, whatever you think you know they know the true you. It just it’s a false belief, right? It’s still dishonest because you’re still lying to everywhere else about you.
So there are just noting a lot of physiological effects on your body and with negative health and a lot of people they get excited. It’s almost like an excitement. They lie and then they get away with it. That person believes them Because oftentimes if you’ve discovered an affair, you don’t discover it the day it happens. You might discover it months or years after it happens. So they’ve been getting away from this lie for years and it’s almost like a thrill to them. To that person it also is probably causing lots of other problems, but that’s also what lying can do. It’s like a. It gives them a little bit of dopamine, lots of stress, but it does give them something, or they wouldn’t do it okay.
When a person lies all the time, it erodes trust, it damages their reputation, there could be legal repercussions and the emotional toll of stress and guilt can really, you know, really affect someone. Lying can definitely strain relationships, disrupt personal and professional lives and even lead to profound psychological effects like cognitive dissonance and self-deception. And I think that’s for the person that’s lying. But the betrayed spouse can also experience some of this stuff because along the way we of course our nervous system, we have gut feelings. We’ve been questioning hey, is something going on? Maybe asking questions and then getting lied to or gaslit, and then we like, oh, you know, why would I think that about my spouse? There’s just a lot of like awfulness that’s going on and why I love the big little lies.
Because you can see this there’s a couple that the woman actually is having an affair and he’s like grasping, like something. We’re just kind of disconnected and he’s just you can see him the whole time of the show that he’s just grasping, like what’s going on and he’ll think it’s the ex-husband or the kids and he’s just grasping at all these things until he discovers and it’s almost like a relief because he was thinking it. You know it was something, it was him, it was something he had done wrong, and so it’s just fascinating. So not only are the person lying experiencing these things, but you’re creating this, also muddled. You’re deceiving yourself, right, because you’re like, wait a second, this is going on. This doesn’t make sense. Something feels off, but my spouse is telling me everything’s fine, or you know you’re crazy, or I just think you’re depressed. You know, we’ve all heard all those things before.
What happens when a person’s constantly lied to? Well, if you’re consistently lied to, it is detrimental to your mental health, right? You might have anxiety, feelings of insecurity, reduced self-esteem and, in some cases, depression. I would say most clients, most people I talk to, low self-esteem. These are all characteristics that I had, that I experienced, and it’s so damaging from one lie that leads to hundreds of lies and it’s outright mean. I mean it is just so destructive.
A lie can be so destructive. You’re purposely like having a deep, profound effect on someone that you say that you love and that the person that’s getting lied to feels like, oh, they love me, I should trust them, and then you’re having all these anxiety, low self, self-esteem, you’re not good enough, what’s wrong with me, all these feelings. So it can be very damaging and I think why. This is why it’s so hard to leave a relationship that is consumed by lying, because you want so badly to believe the person that you married is telling you the truth and you’re just grasping at straws and grasping at things and blaming yourself for even considering that something might be wrong. So it’s for sure not the person lying to you. It’s probably your fault. So then you’re trying to figure out what you could do better and how you could be better, and you just get feeling worse and worse about yourself. So it’s just this horrible mess of a nightmare, which is why lying is so destructive.
So as I was, you know, going down line thinking about lying and how destructive it is, I kind of Googled like what is a pathological liar? Like is there? I mean, you’ve never at least no one’s ever introduced themselves like, hi, I am a pathological liar, but these are some things just to look for. And I don’t know if it’s helpful to think like, oh, my spouse is a pathological liar, but at least this is things. That what lying is, because I think we don’t often know exactly what lying is. Sometimes we decide to make up things and like, oh, that really wasn’t a lie and it actually was.
But if your spouse is embellishing lies with extensive details, okay, and this, in my opinion is, if you ask your spouse a simple yes or no question and they go on for like paragraphs with an answer, chances are they are lying. They might be putting a little bit of truth in that scenario. But if they go on and on and on about a yes or no, a very simple one sentence answer, there’s a lie in there. Something’s going on, okay, it’s worth noting, telling dramatic and highly unlikely stories. So if someone’s just going over the top and it’s like that’s really hard to believe, chances are it’s part of it’s not true. If they appear anxious while talking, that might be hard to identify. But you know your spouse, you know their body language, you know their rhythm, you know when they’ve told the truth. And then if they act differently when they’re lying, it’s just something to note getting defensive when confronted with a lie.
I find when you confront someone with a lie, if they for sure get defensive, but if then they try to twist it and put it back on you and blame you for even asking such a question, it’s a big red flag. Constantly changing their story or being vague when questioned is another sign that someone is lying, lying about something even when there’s no reason to so. Paying attention to that. Like, sometimes people lie about, okay, where were you and they were at the gym, but then they tell you they were at work and it’s like, okay, you didn’t need to lie about that, I’m okay with you going to the gym. So there could be something, an underlying issue there. And if you notice these qualities in your spouse, I want you to look at them for yourself too. Do you do any of these things and why do you do them?
A lot of times, lying is a protection, right, we lie because we are afraid we’re going to get in trouble, right, and it probably comes from our childhood. I’m not saying that’s a reason to do it, but it’s just a why sometimes, of why people lie. They’re going to get in trouble. Or if I tell my spouse the truth, they’re going to leave me, which may be true. But if you have a marriage and you agreed to be, to be monogamous you’re not in a, you know, open marriage then that is something you need to talk to. You need to be honest about that.
Okay, seeming unconcerned when being caught in a lie, like if people are like oh yeah, I lied about that. Like that, that’s not something to be proud of right, that’s not something to be like. I mean, I guess it’s good they owned the lie, but just, it’s just something could be a red flag Feeling a high when they get away with lying. Now you wouldn’t know this, right, but if you, after discovery of the affair, if you are asking them like, and if they’re like I actually loved lying to you like that that’s a concerning thing to say. But also like, okay, chances are that’s. You know, that’s just a different story. It’s a different level of someone lying to you. That means they didn’t have they don’t have guilt, they’re not compassionate or have empathy. They actually enjoyed lying to you, passing off a story that someone else told as their own. So you hear the story and they’re like, hey, guess what happened to me? This could be concerning Acting in ways that don’t match their words.
I always tell people anyone I ever talk to pay attention to their actions more than their words, because if someone has been lying to you and they’ve been getting away with it, they’re just going to tell you what they think you want to hear, but their actions will tell you the truth. Okay, your body doesn’t lie. Your mouth and your mind will lie to you sometimes, but their. They will tell you what direction they’re going in, what the actual truth is. So this is a great way to tell if someone’s lying. A lot of times people lie for a specific reason, like right, they’re having an affair, or I mean it could be a money issue. There’s lots of reasons why people lie and I mostly focus on infidelity, and so if this is happening, these are just some red flags to pay attention to other types of lies that people might like.
Little white lies. They tell it untruth. Like you say hey, do these jeans make me look fat? I mean, the thing is we all lie sometimes, but I would practice telling the truth. If you can get really good at telling the truth, that is such a powerful quality and so important. Some people occasionally lie, try to make themselves feel good, to get their needs met, but I think honesty is the best policy and if you’re trying to rebuild trust in a marriage, there just can’t be lying and don’t ask a question if you’re like what do I look like in these jeans? If you really don’t want to hear, just don’t ask the question. You can decide how you look in the jeans. It doesn’t matter what they think. Don’t put people in a position to have to lie to you as well. But just really pay attention to what you’re trying to figure out, what you’re trying to get out.
There are people that habitually lie. They just get in this habit, and so that is something to make note. I don’t know. I mean, I feel like the pathological liar signs are much more indicative of someone having an affair. But these are just other types of lying People that are compulsive liars. They feel a high I kind of talked about that before when they are lying or they’re trying to, they lie because they have an addiction and so it doesn’t make it okay, but that’s the why behind it, I guess.
So, as you consider, like, what type of lying has gone on in your marriage, and as you’re rebuilding trust, it’s totally possible, but you both have to be on board with this, right, like. But you can decide like, okay, we’ve got to be honest, and I just want you to consider these do’s and don’ts of someone that has been lying to you and a lot of times, a lot of liars, they’re not going to admit to a lie, and so if that’s a deal breaker for your marriage, just acknowledge it. It’s okay that you want honesty in your marriage. Like to me. That’s like my number one. My number one value is trustworthy. I just cannot be live in a situation that has lying in it. My kids know that. I think people around me if I found out someone was lying to me, I would be like we can’t be friends, like I don’t need anyone in my life. That is dishonest.
And so just know, if someone, if you’re like trying to rebuild trust and they just keep on lying about unimportant things, or just it could be that person is just unable to tell the truth. Also, you don’t need to take it personally. It’s not about you, it is about them. It is a them problem. If someone chooses to continue lying to you, it’s not a you problem. Right, you didn’t make them lie. You aren’t frail and can’t handle the truth, because you totally can handle the truth. You can handle the truth much better than you can a lie. And so just realize don’t make it about you, it is a them problem. You don’t need to lose your temper and, you know, start getting defensive If you feel triggered. Just you need to step away and figure out what you want to do. You need to learn to trust yourself, that you know what reality is, you know the truth and that’s all that matters.
You can set boundaries and decide if you’re going to stay married, what that looks like, what you want that to be okay, just because someone, if you’re trying to work out your marriage and they’re still lying to you, you can change your mind, you can say no more, I’m not going to tolerate this in my life. Also, encourage, obviously, getting therapy, getting help. If someone has this problem, if you notice it in your kids or whatever, you can obviously encourage your spouse. They may or may not want to go to therapy, but just always encourage it. I think it’s important for you to have a coach, have a therapist, if you’re dealing with someone that has lied to you, because it can become very disorienting and very confusing and it’s a lot and so you are worth it, you are worth getting help for. You are worth healing, even if you aren’t the one that was lying in this marriage.
You can figure out. How do you be honest with you and sometimes the honest part is I don’t want to be married, I don’t want to be in this relationship, I don’t want to be married to someone that lies to me and I can’t. I don’t know if they’re telling the truth. That’s no way to live. I must say, the most freeing part I love being divorced because I don’t ever have to worry about getting lied to. I have an amazing relationship with my kids and we a no lying policy. And if I ever get the thought like I’m not saying they’re perfect, because sometimes they don’t want me to know what they’re doing, but I just can be like, hey, bud, like I know this might be hard to talk about, but I can deal with the truth, let’s just have that conversation. And so having the open connection with your kids or with any family members or friends, in my opinion is always the best policy. I hope this was helpful.
I would highly recommend the show. If that is kind of the show that you feel like oh, I kind of am like me that really like to see what that looks like. They do just such a great job of showing all the things about lying and how lying can literally destroy families, and also the repair when you’re honest and you get rid of the shame, how that can bring families closer and I think that’s the beautiful part. Just because a family has experienced lying does not mean they cannot heal, doesn’t mean your marriage cannot heal. When the lie comes out in the open and everyone can see it for what it is, there can be a lot of healing in that moment.
Anyways, thanks so much for listening. Have a beautiful day. If you like this podcast, please tell your friends about it, leave me a review so other people can find it and just so you know. On the podcast, if you go to the show notes, at the top it says send us a text message. You can just click on that and send me a text and you can give me podcast ideas or tell me what you loved about this episode. Anyways, have a beautiful day and I’ll talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
