Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So I was thinking of something I could talk to you about, kind of during the holidays, because many of you for those of you that are going to relatives’ houses, or if you’re a co-parent and you struggle with the interactions, or if you just have people in your life that you don’t really care to talk too much, or when you do, you feel frustrated or irritated. I just think this method that I have learned and actually have used many times can be really helpful, and it’s called gray rocking and I’m also going to teach you about yellow rocking, which is something new that I learned, but I kind of like it a little better. But the term gray rock, so literally think of a rock that is the color gray and it’s a metaphor for becoming as unremarkable as a gray rock that is forgettable and similar to many others. And so when you have your personality, be that, you don’t react or get roped into like a negative conversation, or you don’t get all riled up when someone says something to you that in the past might have hurt your feelings or irritated you, especially when you’re interacting with a toxic person that has lots of drama or needs lots of attention. You just kind of become neutral. And this is really my motto with my former spouse is I just want to be neutral with him because I can find myself, if he texts me or sends me an email, get really triggered if I don’t watch myself and, of course, I want to respond. Our natural response is we want to respond and tell them all the reasons why they are wrong and we are right.
So if you find yourself doing this with someone now, even if you are married to someone that is very toxic, it’s 100% okay to be a gray rock sometimes, because we don’t need to always be antagonistic and fighting. It’s kind of a boundary, creating a boundary, like when they start yelling at me and telling me I’m a horrible person and I suck. You don’t have to respond to that. Right, you can choose to walk away. You can choose to just try to be neutral like a gray rock. So just have that thought in your mind.
If you’re married to a spouse that is like this, that is super toxic, for sure, create a boundary. But I think this method can be helpful because, first of all, they’re actually probably addicted and really enjoy the drama and the fight. That’s why they do it and in the past it’s worked. But you just got to train, do something different. So you’re not really being fully honest. Necessarily, when you’re gray rocking because you’re hiding your true feelings right, but it’s okay, because the person that is probably yelling at you or talking poorly to you they don’t care about your feelings, so they’re not even a safe person to share your feelings with. It’s important, of course, to eventually get those feelings out, but not necessarily with that person.
If you can especially, I think, in a co-parent situation avoid revealing personal information, you don’t need to tell them every single detail. They don’t need to know. If it’s not about the kids, they don’t need to know. And if they ask like, oh well, who did you go on a date with last night, or where were you this weekend, or what concert did you go to? You’re divorced. You don’t need to give them any of that information.
Minimizing contact would be a way to gray rock, right? So if you’re going to try this tactic you got to you know make sure you’re doing it and not trying to egg them on and text them things right. The idea is to have minimize your contact with them. Avoid eye contact, because I think, especially with a former spouse, eye contact can be very triggering for someone and so you don’t need to do that. Right, they’re your former partner, you don’t need to look at them. Okay, stick to the facts as much as you can Remember. Facts are our circumstances and not your thoughts, and a lot of people think our thoughts are facts. But if you can just be like Joey needs to be picked up at 7 pm at this address, you don’t need to say anything else, just say the bare minimum, the facts. Keep the goal of the interaction in mind.
I’ve made this mistake many times, having a conversation with my former spouse, maybe about one of my kids, like a car or something, and then something comes into my mind about something he did in the past and I would say it like well, what about this? You know, remember this that you did, let’s talk about this, and so it’s just unhelpful and got to stay on. You know, whatever you were the intention of you having a conversation or you sending an email, whatever, however you’re interacting, just keep what was planned in mind, because when we go off on a tangent, it’s not going to end well, yeah. So just remember, regardless whether it’s an ex, if it’s your mother-in-law, your father-in-law, a sister-in-law I feel like in-laws it tends to be this way but even our own siblings, right? I just got back from Colorado visiting my brother and I haven’t spoken to his former wife since 2002. So that’s a long time, like 22 years and we went to church and of course I saw her and I just pretended she wasn’t there. I was just neutral, like we didn’t say hi to each other, we didn’t and I really do feel neutral about her. I used to. Not, I was very hurtful that she didn’t like me, like my family, and was sad about that, but I didn’t have any emotions necessarily. So it was really good practice. I haven’t seen her in that long, a very long time, and so I really got to kind of practice doing this, although it really wasn’t hard, anyway.
So anytime, even you could do this with co-workers if you know they’re the type that like to cause drama or just get under your skin just try this method okay and see how it works. So the next color of rock I want to talk to you about is the yellow rock method, and it is very similar to the gray rock method, but it involves adding some niceties to the gray rock communication. The idea of a yellow rock just appears friendlier, warmer, more inviting than a gray rock, so it just gives you a little color. So some of you might have a harder time being a gray rock. It’s not in your personality, you just want to be. You know, just have more please and thank yous added to that. It’s basically the same thing. It just you’re just showing up a little nicer and more authentic to who you are, and I think this can be helpful. More authentic to who you are, and I think this can be helpful.
So you might, especially for someone that just has struggles with like, oh, that feels mean or that feels wrong. If you’re that person, you can just still be nice but neutral, okay. So if you envision yourself with, you know, a co-worker or someone else that you really struggle with. You can still be courteous and true to who you are. You just don’t really have a lot of emotion. You’re not interacting in small talk. You’re just talking about what needs to be addressed and not necessarily asking oh how are your kids? And tell me what you’re doing on vacation. Just to just be very neutral, to the point. But you can be kind.
It’s important to stay focused on the present and immediate future, what you’re talking about. Don’t go into the past. Like I said before I’ve done that before it’s hard not to right Especially if you don’t have answers into the past. Like I said before I’ve done that before it’s hard not to right, especially if you don’t have answers to the past. Sometimes our brain is like oh, this is the opportunity, talking to your former spouse to get some answers of what they did 10 years ago. Well, that’s probably just not, you’re probably just never going to get the truth anyways. And so just remind your brain, brain this isn’t the moment, this isn’t the time, this isn’t the opportunity. We’re talking about Christmas, we’re not talking about what they did 10 years ago.
And so just reminding yourself ahead of time what the purpose of the conversation is, especially when you’re talking to someone that enjoys giving digs to you or, you know, has poor behavior, we can’t. We can only control our behavior. We can’t control their behavior. So if they’re like, oh, I’m going to ask her, you know what she did 10 years ago, right, you don’t have to respond to them. If you already know ahead of time that’s probably what they’re going to do, you can just be like, oh, that’s so nice of you to ask and move on to what you’re supposed to be talking about, right, so you’re welcome to just sidestep, maybe ignore what they’re trying to get you to do, because they’re trying to get you riled up and get in a fight. There are people out there that like to fight and so they want to engage and get you in a fight because that’s what brings them I don’t know joy.
But you don’t have to respond to that. You can just be a yellow rock and stay true to yourself and what you came to talk about. If someone is trying to say a false narrative, right, you can just say I disagree with your version of events and prefer to put this behind us. You can just be very point blank, right, because not everyone’s version of what happened or why your marriage failed or how you found out that we’re having an affair. Maybe they’re going to be different and that’s okay, right, you can just stand up for yourself and what you think and just be really point blank and don’t get dragged into that narrative of what they’re trying to say and say, okay, now we’re going to continue talking about Sally’s tennis game or whatever you’re talking about. Okay, remember that your communication strategy has nothing to do with that other person, everything to do with how you perceive yourself. So you don’t have to become the version of what your former spouse thinks you are.
Okay, don’t fall into that trap. Just stay focused on no, this is who I am, this is who I want to be. I just think it’s really important to like prepare ahead of time. If you know, especially during during the holidays, if you’re going to be interacting with people that can really rile you up or trigger you or kind of derail your feelings, because, especially if you’ve already been doing a lot of healing, you don’t want to fall into that trap and you don’t have to just realize, realize, like, okay, I know I’m going to be seeing this person, what do I want to do, how do I want to be, and I just think these two methods are really a brilliant way to stay focused, stay neutral.
And for some of you you’re going to like the gray rock method. That’s going to be easier, but some of you it’s like, oh, I just have a hard time. I feel like that feels mean, right. If you’re that person, then maybe try the yellow rock and say you can still be totally nice and friendly. And it’s not that the gray rock person isn’t being nice and friendly, they’re just being like no, or a yellow rock would be like oh, thanks so much. You know they’re more using pleasantries as opposed to just one word or two words, and this is great for texting Like.
A lot of times I’ve received like five page emails and I’ll just say thank you and that’s all you. You need to say you don’t need to respond to the email, especially if it’s not about anything necessarily that you needed to respond to. It’s just telling you what an awful person you are. No need to respond. Okay, don’t do that to yourself. Respect yourself enough that you’re going to stand up for yourself On a phone call.
If you’re talking on the phone, you are fine. I’m going to go now. Thanks so much for calling Goodbye. You don’t need to tell them all the bad things they’re doing or what they did or how they suck. It’s just not going to be helpful. They’re not going to hear you.
So, anyways, I hope these tactics are helpful, and especially during this time of year, I think, when we interact with people that we don’t interact with, often during the holidays, this can be a good way for you to protect yourself, to feel safe, as well as be able to go to something you know you want to go to a family function, but when you know that there’s going to be certain people there, you still want to show up as the best you and still feel safe and protected. So I hope this was helpful. Thanks so much for listening. If you like this podcast, I’d love for you to write a review and share it with your family and friends so that more people can find it and listen to it and help them heal from betrayal or anything else they’re going through. Anyways, have a beautiful day and I’ll talk to you next week.
If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello. At lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
