Welcome to my podcast, happily, even After I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast and happy new year. I cannot believe it is 2025. I have a feeling this is going to be an amazing year, super excited about it.
January, bizarrely, is really a month that a lot of people consider or have decided they’re getting divorced, and I think that’s because, you know, many people wait to get through the holidays for their kids and many reasons. So I wanted to share what I’ve learned from getting divorced 10 things that I’ve learned, and they’re not in any particular order. I’m sure I’ve learned a lot more than 10 things, but I thought I’m just going to stick to 10. They’re not in order of importance or like life-changing moments, but I just kind of brainstormed because really, my past self was not ever going to get divorced and so I really didn’t ever imagine myself. I talk about, you know, dealing with reality, and my reality was never going to be. I was going to be divorced and so. But my reality is that I am divorced. So I’ve really tried to embrace that and be okay with it, and it’s taken some time. So here’s my 10 things.
Number one if I want to have a social life, I have to invite other people and plan it. One thing that in my past I lived in a neighborhood. I still live in a neighborhood, but people do things as couples, right, and I had a lot of couple friends, but now I’m not a couple and so I don’t get invited to those couple events, right Anymore. And sometimes it’s really easy to feel sorry for yourself and to feel bad that no one is inviting me to do anything. But what I’ve learned is if I want to go to a play because I love entertainment, I love doing things I like going out to dinner, I still like all the same things that I did when I was married it’s just I don’t have a spouse to go easily do them with or a group of married friends to easily do them with. And so what I’ve learned is if I want to do social things, I need to be the one that plans it, invites and organizes it, and that’s okay. And I’m not saying people don’t also invite me, but I just find if this is what I want to do. So if you’re in a situation where, like I miss going to a movie or I miss going out to dinner, text a friend, call a friend, invite a friend, and you might have to invite 10 people before you get a yes and that’s okay, that says nothing about you. It just says people are busy, people already have plans. Just don’t make it about you.
I love to travel, but sometimes there’s places I want to travel that I’m nervous, like I don’t know if I want to travel alone and, of course, like I have kids, right, but sometimes I don’t want to bring my kids or I just want to pay for me to do it and not, you know, the entire family or whatever there are. I’ve been researching. You know you can go on a tour and you’re with strangers, but what a better way to meet people than to go on a tour somewhere or anyways, there’s just so many options. So this is the first thing that I have learned. Number two I decided that I still like going to church. But church can be hard sometimes because I’m by myself now, I don’t have my family and my husband in tow. I don’t look like the average churchgoer, at least in my neighborhood, my neighborhood. But I decided, you know what? I still want to go to church. I still like church, I still believe in God and Jesus and I like how I feel when I go to church.
So now what I’ve decided is when I go to church I go find the cute little widows in the back or just someone sitting alone and I go and sit by them and it doesn’t make church feel so lonely then because I’m sitting by someone intentionally, right? I think I really had to go with that mindset where I’m not alone, I’m with a whole congregation that is here, and just because I look different in my church setting that I have been for the past 28 years of my life, my past life, it’s okay and I’ve just decided I’m going to go to church for me. But also, what if I could help someone there? What if I could be an example? What if I could say something from a perspective of someone that’s divorced that the person teaching the class didn’t know, because they haven’t experienced what I’ve experienced. What if I could share something that could help someone else that didn’t have the courage to share or to say something? Because I have that, I could say it. I have that courage and so I go, and then sometimes, when I don’t feel like going, I just don’t go and that’s okay. I don’t judge myself, I don’t make myself I’m a bad person. What’s wrong with me? Nothing’s gone wrong. I just give myself that grace and that compassion. And so that was number two.
Number three I have learned that I may feel really sad for no reason and to lean into the sadness. So just so you know, sadness is just part of life. And just because maybe your divorce has been a year ago, two years ago, mine is almost now on three years ago. Sometimes I feel sad and I just acknowledge that I allow my kids to feel sad sometimes and they can feel sad anytime they want. But like it’s just, it’s okay to feel sad, like I am sad that this is where my marriage ended up right, that’s really sad to me, but I just will sit in the sadness and or whatever other emotion I’m feeling. It just doesn’t go away. Because you ended your marriage right. It doesn’t mean you’re not going to sometimes feel sad or angry or irritated or frustrated, whatever emotion you have. So just really learn to embrace when those feelings come up, to just acknowledge them and not get mad at them. Not be irritated or frustrated Like when is this going to go away? It may never go away. I might be 80 years old someday and feel sad, and that’s okay.
Number four some people may have not liked my choice for getting divorced, and that’s okay. It doesn’t matter what other people think about my choice, it just matters what I think about it. They didn’t know the whole story, right. And so I think sometimes we get caught up in like what are other people thinking about me and what I chose to do? And when we do that, we will. You know, comparison is the thief of joy or when we pay attention to what other people think about us, like that’s just a mess. And so I’ve really had to just own my choice and I’m really proud of my choice. I’m really proud of me for making that choice, because it was really hard for me. Some people don’t value marriage as much as I did, and I’m not judging them. Just everyone values different things, right, and so for me. I know that I made the best choice for me and my family and I just own the choice and it doesn’t matter if they think it was right or wrong, good or bad. So that’s been really helpful for me and something that I’ve learned.
Number five my kids have their own path and I have to allow them to feel whatever they need to and not get caught up in it. Hey, if you have kids and you get divorced, and especially if they’re young adults, it’s complicated because we don’t like to see our kids hurting. We don’t like to see them in pain. We don’t like to see them acting out or making choices that we may not agree with. However, they are their own people and we can’t blame ourselves. It’s not our fault for their choices. They’re able to make their choices. Of course, it’s important to make repair if you have done something that’s hurt them, but allow our kids to feel whatever they want to feel. I think for me, this has been my most challenging thing that I’ve learned, but the most rewarding thing, because I’ve been able to connect with my kids on a whole different level that I didn’t even know was possible. So I’m really grateful, but this is something I’ve learned Number six it’s hard not to go to judgment.
I’ve learned a lot about judgment, judgment of myself, judgment of my former spouse. What I’ve learned is, the more I can embrace curiosity and compassion for me and for him, the clearer I see, and it’s not so heavy and I’m really sorry I’m getting emotional, but I think judgment is something that affects all of us and it’s really hard to not judge someone, especially when betrayal is in the picture, because it’s really a painful thing and so which we talk about. But and then judging me. So I think one thing I’ve learned is just how can I be curious about the situation, how can I have compassion for everyone in the story, in this situation and this has really helped me heal and to not make my experience so heavy and to be able to move through. I’m not perfect at it, but when I catch myself judging myself or judging my former spouse, I really try to remind myself that this is not helpful. And how can I have compassion? How can I see their side from, maybe their eyes, and I might not agree with it I usually don’t but I can at least see it, and then I can go back and see mine and be okay with what I see and just acknowledge it.
Number seven adjusting to my new reality has been harder than I ever imagined it would or could be, and I’ve talked about this a lot, but it is really hard. But I think I’ve really done a great job of realizing okay, this is my reality now, now what? And not blaming anyone, not blaming myself and sometimes it’s harder than others, but generally speaking, I can get there. Just really, this is the real life situation, this is the facts. If I can stick to facts and take out the drama, that’s the best way, right, and so learning to really understand and acknowledge my reality has been very helpful for me.
Number eight divorce for me has brought me so much peace and I finally feel safe and my true, authentic self again. I didn’t realize how unauthentic I had become until I got divorced and I’m finally becoming me again and it feels amazing and maybe other people don’t see it and that’s okay. I don’t need anyone else to see it. But that is one thing that I’ve learned that I was not living authentically in my life for a very long time and I know what true peace and safety feels like in my home. I had thought I had it before, but now, living in my space, my home, now I know it feels different. It has a different feeling, and I’m really grateful that my kids get to experience me as I always knew and thought I was, but there is a difference that I am now realizing. So they get to experience the person that I really was always meant to be, that I just couldn’t be in my situation that I had been living in, and so I’m very grateful that divorce has taught me this.
Number nine my forever family looks different than I originally thought it would, but I love this version so much more. In my mind, my forever family had a mom and a dad and four kids and future son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws and grandbabies. But now my forever family looks different and I will take this family over the one I had before, because the one I had before was full of lies and deceit and betrayal, and this family that I get to have now is full of honesty and love and authenticness and trust. My new version of my forever family is exactly what I want and I thought it was one thing and I was wrong about that. I’m just really grateful that I have been able to reframe what my forever family looks like.
And the last one, number 10, I realized that I am more capable than I ever allowed myself to be when I was married. I’m willing to try anything. Nothing really scares me to try or do. I’m willing to try new things and ask for help if I need help. Help if I need help. I have done a lot of hard things that I thought you know I would just allow my former spouse to do or think I wasn’t good at that so I couldn’t do it, and I’ve really just decided like I can do anything and really have put my mind to that and tried new things and done new things. I’m not perfect at it, I make mistakes and I don’t always follow through, but at least I know like I can do it and if I can’t, I’m going to find a way to figure it out and call someone and get help out, and call someone and get help.
Anyways, I was just brainstorming last night before I came and recorded my podcast of just things and these are the things that came out of me and so I just felt like I wanted to share. And if you are divorced or whatever your situation is, I just want you to look at your life and see what things you’ve learned positive or negative, right, we learn both through our life but I think it’s really helpful because in my mind, I was only going to learn negative things from getting divorced. I could only see the bad, but, honestly, there’s been more good than I can even imagine and there’s a lot more than 10 of them. Been more good than I can even imagine, and there’s a lot more than 10 of them. So I’m really grateful that I have this perspective almost three years after getting divorced and I can see the good things that I’ve learned, as well as my kids and other people in my life. Thanks so much for listening.
If you liked this podcast, please share it with your family and friends. If you would like help on your healing journey, send me an email or get on my calendar so we can chat. Have a beautiful day and I’ll talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
