Welcome to my podcast. Happily, Even After I’m life coach, Jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
I don’t know if it’s a heavier topic, but I’m just going to talk about consent, mostly in marriage, but really you could consent with a boyfriend, girlfriend, and I’m first going to talk about sex. But there’s lots of things I think we need to consent in our relationship with, just not sex. We need to consent in our relationship with just not sex. But I think sex is a huge one, and so if this feels uncomfortable to you, just be curious about it. Why it feels uncomfortable? Have there been moments in your marriage that you just you had sex even though you didn’t want to? I don’t want you to judge yourself or think you did something wrong. We all do things in our life that we wish we wouldn’t have. Or why did we say yes to that when we really wanted to say no, it happens, okay, so don’t. I just want you to be really kind and loving to yourself and I just think, depending on where you are in your marriage, how long you’ve been married, I think it’s a topic to talk about, especially if you feel like it’s an issue, and I know if you feel like it’s an issue, it might be hard to talk about because maybe the other person isn’t going to hear you, but that’s something to think about. Why wouldn’t they be willing to talk to you about this? So, anyways, I’m just going to give you some definitions.
A marital relationship does not supersede the need for consent from both parties before participating in a sexual act. Okay, so this is due to the fact that a marital relationship does not bind spouses sexually, only legally. So I think a lot of times, and especially for me, like I wanted to wait to have sex with my husband until we got married and so some people believe that right to wait to have sex until you’re married, some people don don’t. Either way is fine, Whatever you want to do, but it doesn’t mean like once you get married, then your spouse, especially men. I think this is more of a men, but I think there are definitely women that can be more domineering. I have met and talked and known both of these spectrums of people, so women can use sex as a weapon as well as men. So, regardless of what sex you are right if you’re male or female, just know this could be an issue.
But just because you’re married doesn’t entitle you to have sex whenever you want and whenever and however or whatever. It just needs to be talked about. I think it’s important to do check-ins with your partner, such as asking is this still okay? Like, are you liking this? Because there’s nothing worse than to have sex with someone that like they’re hurting them or it feels painful. But I think I’m just going to speak from a woman’s point of view.
Sometimes that’s hard to say. So maybe not during sex, maybe not say it, but maybe you know after or before, say, hey, you know we tried this and I don’t really like it, or I felt uncomfortable. And having those conversations, providing positive feedback when you’re comfortable with something, explicitly agreeing to certain activities, either by saying yes or I’m open to trying. So having these conversations if we can’t have them with our spouse, then there’s probably a breakup of communication and trust and safety. So maybe you need to go to a therapist or a coach and be able to, you know, build your confidence in saying this or figure out like, why is this uncomfortable for me? What’s going on for me? I just think a lot of times people don’t think like, oh, you can’t experience rape in a marriage. You can totally experience marital rape. It is a thing and it’s devastating, and so I just want you to be aware. Or you can have. Maybe you don’t really say it was rape, but it just felt really awful and you felt used and gross, and that is important. That’s going to affect your marriage, it’s going to affect your relationship, it’s going to affect you. So just have the conversation, Talk about what does consent mean to each other?
I’ve talked about this with my kids because I want to make sure that they understand, especially my boys. If a girl says no, it means no, it doesn’t mean well, maybe in a little bit or whatnot. But you need to. And if you, sometimes people have a hard time saying no, you need to. And if you, sometimes people have a hard time saying no. So pay attention to the body, your vibes, right. What’s the message they’re sending? Are you closed off? And if you want to say no and then you find yourself always saying yes, then maybe that’s something to look into. Something to look into why are you not willing to say no and settle for, you know, not a healthy sexual relationship in your marriage? So what version of no, Like, and maybe sometimes the word no is triggering for people, right? So maybe have a hand gesture or you write a note or send a text like, hey, babe, I’ve had a. Really you know, we agreed to have sex tonight, but you know, I had a really hard day and I just I mean I want to pass and can we try tomorrow or whatever right, Just be open.
Maybe I think it would be good to create a have a want, will and won’t for sex list that you each create. You know, and do this throughout your marriage, because what you’re willing to do when you first get married and then maybe you’re willing to be a bit more creative, you know, as you’ve been married and feel more comfortable with sex, I just think getting vulnerable and curious, right, especially if you haven’t had a lot of sexual experiences in your life. But respect each other’s boundaries. How do we want to handle our sexual desires when they don’t match up. Having these conversations is crucial, right? Because it’s like okay, my husband wants to have sex every day and I don’t want to. Okay, my husband wants to have sex every day and I don’t want to.
We shouldn’t just default to the husband, right, we should have that conversation and figure out what we can do, how we can create desire for both of us and how we can, you know, have I don’t know, just have the conversation, so we’re not feeling as the wife, like, oh my gosh, I have to do this, Because half to sex is not great sex, right, it’s just going to create a lot of negativity in your marriage. How do we approach each other when we haven’t had sex in a while? Like, have the conversation. What are we going to talk about? You know, but I think men and I think our society, we’re like we need sex or we’re going to die. Well, that’s just not true.
Okay, Probably what you need is the connection you want to connect with your spouse. But when you frame it in as I need sex and like you have to do this or I’m going to die, Well, it’s just a lie and it’s just an unhealthy place and it’s not going to want your wife to go have sex with you. And so just reframe it and just say babe, I really want to feel connected and you know women, we want more emotional connectivity, right? And so you just got to figure out the dance. Whatever your dance is, figure it out. How would we both like to be declined with the sexual advance? How would we both like to be declined with the sexual advance? I think this is important because there are going to be times that you’re not going to feel it, but you don’t want to be rude or shut someone down, especially your spouse, especially if you love someone, the person you’re most intimate with.
Okay, and I realize the layer of betrayal. If betrayals happened in your marriage, these are going to be topics you’re going to want to talk about, right? Especially if you’re trying to rebuild your marriage. Don’t go down the path of, well, what did your affair partner do? What was she willing to do? And I would just encourage you you don’t need to know that, okay, Because it is going to be a lose-lose for both of you if you start going down that path and you, whoever was the betrayer? Don’t compare your wife to someone else, because we already know you were living in a fantasy when that was happening, and so it is going to take a lot more work, I think, if you have been betrayed, to have a good sexual connection again, but it’s totally possible.
Sex is a small part of marriage. However, when sex isn’t happening or it is being used as a weapon, I think it becomes the biggest part of your marriage, and so this is something that needs to be addressed and talked about. It will affect every aspect of your life. If you have an unhealthy sexual relationship, it’s just going to affect your marriage. It’s going to affect your job, how you treat your kids, your habits, really everything, and so creating a healthy, positive sexual relationship with consent is, I think, key in having a really amazing marriage. And if you can’t talk about it and feel safe in your marriage, get help. There is help out there. It is not healthy to stay stuck in this for long periods of time, and if your wife or husband, if they’re using it as a weapon, if they aren’t taking no for no, go get help. There’s help out there. There’s no shame in getting help, and it’s just not safe for you to be in that type of relationship. Right, it is not, it is abusive. That, I would say, is sexual abuse, and so I just encourage you to get help.
Another way that I think consent is important in a marriage are finances. Are you going to combine your finances? You know what are your expenses Back in the day, I think I don’t know. I think we had like if, when I was married, like $50 when we first got married, like anything over $50 we needed to talk about and then I think it became $500 or maybe $1,000. I don’t know. But because there’s nothing worse than your, you know someone else’s spending. You think you have so much money in your account and then they keep on spending all the money and it’s also not. You know if they’re like death by a thousand paper cuts $50, $50, $50, that adds up to thousands of dollars.
Just having the conversation, especially in big purchases, right, you would hate for someone just to go buy something and then you don’t have any, especially like a house, like who wants their husband to go buy a house and say, hey, babe, and there might be some of you that didn’t care about this, but for me, if my spouse just went and bought a house without asking me where I wanted to live. I think that’s a. You want to have the buy-in right, Like have it together, that’s a big purchase. Or a car and I get some people surprise their spouse with a car and there could be lots of outliers of this. But in general, I think having the conversation about your finances you know what are you going to budget, what are you going to save Money can be a huge issue in a marriage. And so having consent and allowing for someone, if someone wants to do something, allowing for both parties, both people, to have a say in what they want to get, and it’s okay. Okay, Property like a house or a car.
I used to have a neighbor that he literally sold their house every two years and I think there was some like tax benefit of that or whatever. But his wife like, by the time they moved by me was like on her 18th home and she like stopped hanging pictures, stopped really caring, like always left town every time they moved because she’s like I’m done moving. I just I feel like I didn’t realize then but looking back now, probably lots of red flags he would sell her car. She would come home and he’d be like, oh, I sold your car today. I just feel like that’s a recipe for disaster. So, having the conversation right, Like not just selling something of someone’s like I don’t know, people don’t have stereos these days, but they’re like their computer or something big right. Or a piece of jewelry like oh, by the way, I pawned your engagement ring today because we needed the money. Okay, that’s something you should talk about.
Okay, children and parenting this is a big one too. I think we’ve got to, not that we have to parent the same, but have some consistency, some conversations, just so it’s not the husband just saying, oh, just go ask your mom, or the wife saying go ask your dad. It’s just going to cause confusion and it’s just not a very solid ground, I think, in parenting. So, having consent, talk about it. In-laws are we going to spend every holiday or every Sunday with our in-laws? How are we going to integrate our family with our in-laws? Have the conversation, Try to make it a win-win. I think that’s always the best. Future plans when we want to live, when we want to retire you know what dreams we have. I think that’s important.
Personal time this is so important and I realize one of the things I look back on and evaluate as I evaluate my life is I didn’t take enough me time at all. I gave it all to my kids and all to my former husband, and I didn’t do things for me and when I did, it was like a church activity that I was called to do. So I don’t even think that counts, because it wasn’t like I was choosing, it was just my calling at the time. And so I really think it’s important to carve out time and you shouldn’t have to ask your husband to babysit the kids Like just like, hey, babe, this is what I’m doing. He should you know you’re watching the kids. Your responsibility. You don’t have to like prepare dinner. You shouldn’t have to do anything. He can, he should have that. That should be something right. And if that isn’t the case, then let’s all move towards that scenario in our world, in our life. Right, Conflict resolution how you handle disagreements.
You know we all are raised a certain way and have disagreements, and there’s not a right or wrong way to have a disagreement. But I think having these conversations could be so helpful. Okay, Some people it just it will go better in your life if you can have these conversations. Religion I think I see a lot of people right now in their marriages. They’ve been married 20 years and then their spouse says I don’t want to go to church anymore, I don’t want to be this religion anymore. The thing is that is upsetting, that’s like kind of a betrayal. It’s like wait a second, we were doing it this way.
However, if that’s the case, figuring it out I think you can totally figure it out. If you drop your idea of what you thought it was and talk about it, see what you can consent, see what you can agree to in this situation. Okay, okay, Because it might happen. Or if your kids don’t want to go to church anymore, maybe you just say hey, when you’re at my house, okay, and we go to church. Or I don’t care if you go to church, but just so you know, I’m going to church and I’m not having dinner or whatever ready, Like maybe that’s your job or I don’t know. Whatever you want to do.
But having those conversations and the last one I thought of is household tasks I think Gen Z and lower are getting behind this much better, and maybe millennials that you know the household jobs are divided. But if you’ve never had the conversation and then each of you just expects a certain way, like. I think you need to have the conversation and agree to it right. Agree to how you’re going to divide household jobs, because everyone lives in the house. It’s just not the mom that lives in the house or the wife, it’s everyone. And so having that conversation, I think it could be really valuable and important. So I hope this was helpful.
Of course, the sex part, I think, is the most valuable one, because there’s a lot of things going on in our world that are really hard and I think some of you may be listening to this that have had experience some things when consent wasn’t in your marriage and you have a lot of hurt and pain for that and just acknowledge it.
And I know you can heal from it and I know it’s possible. But having these conversations, teaching your kids to have these conversations, is so important because it does matter and no means no, and it’s okay to say no sometimes or all the time if you don’t feel safe. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. If you like this podcast, please like and share. If you would like to hire a coach, I would love to work with you and help you in healing from betrayal or anything else you’re struggling with. Have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
