Welcome to my podcast. Happily Even After. I’m life coach, jen. I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So today I have 10 false beliefs about betrayal that I want to talk to you about, and many of these things I myself believed and I found them very hurtful. Right Like, of course, it was like I believed them and they caused me so much pain because of these thoughts I was thinking. So I came up with 10 of them. I’m sure there are more, and feel free to email them to me of things that you believed, I would. You know I could sure do another 10, 20. I’m sure there’s plenty more, but these are just the 10 false beliefs that I came up with and I think the first one that is the most painful, that most people that I’ve experienced and talked to about when they’ve experienced infidelity it was my fault. My spouse cheated on me and unfortunately, this is somehow in our society. I think people in general think well, what did they do? Now, not everyone believes this, but also the person that betrayed you is telling you well, if you were a better wife, if you were good enough, if we had more sex, if you were skinnier, if you were nicer to me, if you met my needs more. So they’re also helping you believe this because they’re telling you all these things. Well, the person I was having an affair with. They’re just so nice to me, they listen to me, they hear me, they make me feel loved, whatever. But why? This is a false belief. Okay, logically, it makes sense. Of course, if they came to you and said, hey, I’m going to go have an affair, you would be like no, well, first of all, they didn’t ask okay, it’s all done in secret, this had nothing to do with you and had everything to do with your spouse what their insecurities are. They’re not enoughness for themselves. Whatever they’re going through, they’re thinking you know, this other girl or guy is meeting my needs. They’re hearing me. And it’s been talked about.
I don’t know if I’ve talked about this, but usually a marriage is 80-20. You marry someone that you know you have 80% of the things you love about them and there’s, we all have 20%. I mean, that’s just a made up number, but 20% of things that you know aren’t so great. That are our weaknesses, that, and when an affair happens, it’s almost that they can’t. They can only see your 20% that they don’t like of their spouse and then they only see the good stuff in the affair partner, which is really you know they’re not meeting all their needs, they’re just meeting the 20% that they view their spouse isn’t meeting. And it kind of makes sense. I like that thought because, for sure, in my marriage my spouse could only see my bad qualities and no matter I felt, no matter what I did, he could only see all the bad things that I did, like you know, I don’t know they were like I wasn’t thin enough or I didn’t make dinner or I didn’t give him enough praise, whatever. I have lists but I’m not going to go into all of that.
But really it’s just not true. When you have an affair, it’s this major dopamine, it’s like a drug, and so when people are on drugs they aren’t thinking rationally, they’re in you know, this fantasy world and so it’s not reality and so it simply is not about you. And I know to believe it is one thing, but to feel it and know that is another. Which is why coaching can be so helpful for you, because we can get stuck in believing this. Then our self-esteem tanks. We have no confidence, we hate ourselves, we, we become this miserable person right, because we believe this very untrue thing. And if we cannot go down that hole and start believing like, no, this wasn’t about me, this was their choice, their decision, and it takes a lot of the shame, blame, guilt and hurt and pain away from you and it allows you to heal. So just remember there is no perfect marriage and you did nothing to deserve someone to be unfaithful to you Another false belief. I am the only one that this has ever happened to. This is 100% not true.
I was researching and there are like over 12 million couples that an affair. So it doesn’t make it better because you’re the only one you care about, but there are millions of people and famous people right. I think of Princess Diana. All the time she was the princess and her husband was having an affair and now he married her. So the Queen of England and the King of England. They were having an affair and now he married her. So the Queen of England and the King of England they were having an affair on both of their spouses, they were both cheating on their spouses and now they’re married and they’re the King and Queen of England. How do you like that? So J-Lo, Beyonce I forgot my list but so many people that I would view as beautiful, great bodies I don’t know how they are personally, but they have been cheated on, and there’s lots of men that have been cheated on too. So just realize you aren’t alone. And one reason I wanted to point this out because I know you feel alone and just know that I, the person doing this podcast, I’ve been cheated on. So, even if it’s just a few people out there, just know you aren’t alone.
Okay, and it is possible to heal. I will never be able to trust again. In my opinion, is a false belief. You may never be able to trust your spouse. If you choose to get divorced, you might decide okay, I can’t trust them, but I want you to consider okay, maybe in this certain scenario I can’t trust them, but could I trust them to take care of my children right. Especially if you get divorced. This can feel hard because you’re like, wait, I have to do 50-50 and I don’t trust that person.
Well, they weren’t trustworthy in your marriage dynamic. But are they trustworthy as a parent? Are they trustworthy to pay the bills? Are they trustworthy to take care of things around the house? To take care of things around the house. Try to break it up instead of like they’re just completely untrustworthy. Chances are it’s possible that you could trust them in other aspects of your life, in your family dynamic, and that’s going to help you separate. And are you trustworthy? Chances are that that is one thing I’ve really had to look at myself like where in my life was I not trustworthy? And really point that out to myself and really help like, okay, I want to be trustworthy, I want to be a person that can you know. I can always tell the truth, because sometimes we think, which is why they didn’t tell you they were having an affair? It will hurt them. It’s better if they don’t know. It’s not better. If they don’t know, the line is worse. And so become a trustworthy person and know there are a lot, millions and millions of people that are actually trustworthy and that are in a healthy monogamous marriage and that are in a healthy monogamous marriage. So it’s just a muscle you’re going to have to build within yourself, knowing that you can trust yourself, looking more inward instead of looking outward.
With trusting other people, I will never be worthy of love and respect. Okay, I know this feels true, especially when you’re in the midst of betrayal, but if you feel that way, it’s absolutely right they aren’t respecting you. But what are you doing to respect yourself? Are you getting help? Are you reaching out? Are you demanding? Setting boundaries like this is unacceptable. For me to be treated this way. How are you empowering yourself to be loved and respected and how are you showing yourself love and respect? It’s very important. I can’t express how I really feel because if I do, they might cheat again. Okay, false belief. If you think this, which I totally have, and so that’s why I’m bringing it up you’ve got to talk about it. It is uncomfortable and I’m not telling you. You have to bring it up 24, 7, maybe, especially if you’re trying to repair your marriage, but maybe have like every other night for 30 minutes.
It’s your time to ask questions, to talk about like has the other person contacted you? Just know, from the day you discover an affair, it usually always might not end that day. They say it is like I’m never gonna see them again. But I guarantee it just does not usually happen that way. It might. But just know, just know, so you might. You are going to have to talk about it. If you want to sweep it under the rug, acknowledge that that is your choice and you’re going to live in denial. Okay, that’s going to be a recipe for disaster, but you can choose that. But I promise you you talking about it is not going to make them go out and start cheating again. It’s just simply not. That’s giving you’re giving yourself way too much power, because I promise you that you probably were. If you ever were talking about like, oh, you would never cheat on me. You were talking about it and they were cheating on you. So just know, you’re going to have to talk about it. You’re going to have to have these conversations. Just maybe set some times throughout the week, once a week, whatever you guys deem necessary to have these conversations.
Number six I have to now police my spouse’s every move to make sure he doesn’t have another affair. Okay, so I get at the beginning of discovery. You’re going to feel the need to check their phone email, you know, look at their location probably a lot. However, do not put yourself in this position. You’re going to make yourself miserable. You’re going to not bring connection and closeness to your marriage. If you’re trying to rebuild your marriage after an affair and so don’t become the police, it’s just going to be a miserable for you, miserable for your marriage, miserable for your spouse. Of course, there’s some accountability, there’s some ownership, there’s going to be some need for a lot of transparency in your marriage, but transparency doesn’t equal. I’m the police woman or policeman, so find those boundaries, figure that out and then try to say, okay, I’m just going to look three times. Or try to wean yourself off of this, yourself off of this, because the best person that is going to know if they’re having an affair is you. You’re going to feel it in your gut. So get really good at paying attention, believing, listening to your inner, knowing your gut. Believe that, learn to trust that. That is your best indicator if they’re having another affair. Not looking at their email or text, because, trust me, there are apps out there, there are ways. If someone wants to have an affair, they’re going to figure out the workaround of how to do it if they really want to. So that doesn’t guarantee you knowing where their you know where their location is, that they really are there, right, okay, I will never be happy again. This is definitely a false belief, because I know right now you might.
The happiness is probably not the main feeling. That you have A lot of sadness, a lot of grief, a lot of hurt. You’ve got to feel your feelings. You’ve got to process whatever feelings you have because you’re unable to feel happy, because you’re also unwilling to feel sad and angry and hurt, and throughout the day. I promise you, even if you’re in the darkest moments of your life right now, try to find just little glimpses of happy. Maybe your adult child did this, or you see some flowers that just are pretty, and so really try to find moments in your day, if you can, even just one, that bring another emotion besides all those heavy emotions. But without feeling all those heavy emotions you cannot feel all the good emotions. Okay, so that, but I promise you you can feel happy again. And right now you don’t want to feel happy If you just found out your spouse is having an affair. Happy is not the feeling I’m guessing that you’re choosing, and nor do you want to feel happy. You want to feel devastated and sad and grief. So don’t put that pressure on yourself that you should feel happy.
I will never be able to let go and forgive my partner. I will never be able to let go and forgive my partner. This is 100% a false belief. But you can choose to never forgive your partner and just recognize that that is your choice you’re making. But this takes time and this takes practice. But as you let go of your grip on whatever you’re holding on to whether it’s your marriage, let go of your grip on whatever you’re holding on to, whether it’s your marriage, whatever situation you’re in, I promise that as you work on yourself, you’re going to be able to let go of that tight grip that you might have and it’s probably fear. Talking right, you’re scared, you’re fearful, you’re terrified Once you can let go of those feelings and emotions and working through. That’s why working with a coach, a therapist, is so critical when it has to do with betrayal, because it’s hard for us to see that in ourselves, hard for us to see our, our blind spots. But it’s totally possible to let go and forgive and I’ve talked about forgiveness a lot and it doesn’t mean that what they did was okay. It’s just letting down, getting all the bricks out of your backpack, like, stop carrying the bricks. You don’t need to carry them anymore. They weren’t even your bricks to begin with, so just let them go. You’re going to feel so much lighter and happier and you will be able to feel happy.
Okay, I have to stay in the marriage because it will damage my kids. I for sure believed this, that I for sure believed I couldn’t get married. I had lots of thoughts about marriage, right, I believed I married my spouse, married him forever. I can work anything out. I’m not going to give up all the things, but I promise you you could. Actually.
Whether you stay married or get divorced does not affect the outcome of your children. Okay, like, of course, some things make it harder, but just because you stay married, your kids are going to have trials, they’re going to have challenges. We are put on this earth to have trials and challenges. So whether you’re married or divorced but I guarantee if you’re in a miserable, unhappy marriage that is unhealthy, your kids are experiencing the unhealthiness of it it could be the best answer is to get divorced and to have two more healthier parents. And so don’t stay for your kids and don’t think you’re going to damage your kids. Just know you’re damaging your kids whether you’re married or not married. Like kids, we’re human. We make mistakes, we say the wrong things, but that’s why you have to learn how to repair with your kids, knowing that skill is going to be, you know, be so much better for them than just staying in something that you’re miserable because you’re fearful of ruining your kids.
It’s not true I have to get divorced now because I was cheated on, okay.
I think for sure. This is a false belief. We all say if my husband ever had an affair or my wife ever had an affair, I’m leaving. Okay. This is very unhelpful and it’s simply not true. Actually, they say you know marriages that repair from an affair actually can be stronger than they were before. I really believe that. But also it’s possible that after the affair, or multiple affairs, divorce is the best answer. You get to decide and make a decision coming from a space of love and compassion for yourself. Mostly right, we don’t know. The problem is we said that when we were 16 years old, probably, or however old. We said it Like if my spouse ever cheated we don’t know. Because now we have kids, now we have a home, now we have friends, now we have a neighborhood that we you know a community.
It’s just not easy to walk away from that, and especially if you’re a stay-at-home mom. Finances unfortunately always have a big play in a divorce, and so know that just because you thought that when you were younger, before you got married, don’t hold that against you now, because now you have a whole different set of circumstances and now you get to decide from wherever you are at in your life. Some of you are pregnant listening to this. It’s just not so easy. It’s just not as easy as like, okay, I’m just going to walk away, and especially if you love your partner, and so if you had that belief, I just want you to try to. It’s okay to not believe that anymore. It’s okay to maybe reconsider.
And if you’re listening to this and you know someone that’s experienced an affair, it is very unhelpful for you to say you should always leave because you don’t know. You should never allow someone else to tell you what they think you should or shouldn’t do. It is your marriage, it is your relationship. It is not up to a therapist, a coach, a friend, a mom, a dad, a brother or sister to tell you what to do for your marriage. The choice is only yours and your spouse’s, because it’s no one else’s marriage. So if you have other people trying to tell you what to do, I would stop going outward and go inward. It’s, of course, okay to get help and bounce ideas off and brainstorm, but with a neutral party, not with someone that feels like, I think, a family member. That’s why it’s not good to talk about this with a family member, because they’re gonna be on your side, right, or the spouse’s side. It’s going to be hard to be neutral, so it’s important to have a neutral sounding board to have this conversation with, anyway. So I hope these false beliefs were helpful.
I’d love to hear if you had any others. If you are in need of a coach, I’d love to help you heal from infidelity. It’s totally possible and you can have a beautiful future. This doesn’t have to be the end of your story. This is why I called my podcast Happily Even After. This could just be the beginning and I promise there’s happiness even after betrayal. This could just be the beginning and I promise there’s happiness even after betrayal. If you like my podcast, please like and review. Share it with your friends and family and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com, follow me on Instagram and Facebook. At Happily Even After Coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
