Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed, certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal, but create a healthy future. Today, we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So today I’m going to talk about something that I called making the five degree shift, and I know a lot of times in our life, especially when we experience a change like divorce, or just in our relationship with kids whatever change we’re experiencing relationship with kids, whatever change we’re experiencing I think sometimes we have the urge to make like 180 degree shift in our lives, like we have to change everything, and I just want you to question that if you’re like, oh my gosh, everything has to change. Especially, this is kind of how I remember thinking when I found out I was getting divorced 2018. My spouse had moved out and then we were getting back together and he had, of course, mentioned all these things he didn’t like about me and what he wasn’t attracted to. So then I just went all in on let me change everything about myself so I can you can love me, which is ridiculous, by the way. We want our spouse to love us for who we are, and we should love them for who they are. They’re good and they’re bad points right. And so if you’re finding yourself like I have to change everything about myself and be different so my spouse can love me, I just want you to question that and that isn’t going to be helpful, right? Because if you don’t want to change it, there are, for sure, things like I did change. I’m going to say I’ve changed a lot from 2018, but those are all things that I wanted to change, that I didn’t necessarily like about myself, and as I’ve healed, I think I’ve become just a better version of myself and so anyways.
So, when you’re thinking about making a shift, don’t feel like you have to do everything all at once, and really the small little changes that you do in your life every day, like little habits that you change, you start doing or stop doing, can make a really big impact, and I know some of you have heard like the analogy of an airplane, if they get like one degree off course, they eventually arrive at a completely different like country or like the middle of the ocean, right, if that really happened. So that’s a negative shift, right? One degree off course can really put you on a different path. Or even if you’re on a cruise ship or if they got one degree off. But this is I want you to think of more a positive like even one degree five degree shift. I want you to think of more a positive like even one degree five degree shift. It’s going to start off looking really small and then by one year, the gap is much wider and so the change is much bigger. I like to think, maybe if you’re trying to diet or, you know, just eat healthier, if you just start changing one habit of eating or reducing your caloric intake, eventually you’re going to probably lose weight. It’s going to happen slowly, so you’re not going to notice it right away, but maybe after a year it’s going to be much more noticeable.
So, as you’re thinking about different things in your life, like what’s one, two, three things that you would like to improve or do different, or stop doing and consider doing those things, I want to talk to you today about our emotions, okay, how we can shift different emotions that we have from negative maybe to more positive, okay. So, especially in betrayal, you feel hurt. Okay, and I think, in order to, when you do feel hurt, to name why you do like say it I feel hurt because my husband had an affair. Right, named what wound it hurt the wound of, you feel abandoned or you feel taken advantage of or whatever, however you feel, because when you just feel hurt and just shove it down and don’t feel that feeling, and just shove it down and don’t feel that feeling, you start feeling resentment. Right, and when you are resentful in your life, it is going to show up in many other areas. Right, you’re not going to build a connecting relationship or marriage, it’s just it’s going to hinder your ability to shift and heal. So hurt is one emotion, okay.
Sadness, for sure. We feel sad for lots of reasons in our lives, but especially in betrayal, it’s really sad that the person that we loved and were married to chose to step out of our marriage or talk to another person or do something. That it feels really sad. Right, it’s sad when someone dies. It’s sad when our kids make choices that we didn’t raise them to make. Right, it’s sad. There’s a lot of sad in the world.
But I think, if you don’t feel sad, right, I think, acknowledging why you’re sad, right, maybe because, especially in betrayal, it’s not your value, you’re not a person that would betray someone, so it’s really sad when someone else betrays you, so acknowledging it. But when we don’t, we fall into self-pity, right? Why is this happening to me? Like this always happens, I’m the problem, right? You just you feel sorry for yourself. Do you find yourself doing this? So, just notice, if you find yourself in pity mode, you probably have layers of sadness that you need to heal and you need to feel, okay, loneliness. A lot of people are lonely and you can be lonely in a marriage and divorced Okay. So just because you’re lonely, it doesn’t mean you you might not have a lot of people around you or you might have a lot of people. So, if you fall into loneliness, just acknowledge like, yeah, I feel lonely, and find ways to reach out to people and to connect with people instead of being like, well, I don’t care, people don’t care about me, and feeling more apathetic. That’s how you’re not making a shift, that’s how you’re not feeling your feelings.
Okay, fear. There’s so much fear. I think fear held me back for so long in creating changes in my life because I just chose fear and it really I felt stuck and paralyzed. So if you feel fear, if you feel fear, you just need to practice feeling it and prepare. I think it’s really good to think of, like, what’s the worst case scenario? Okay, for me the worst case scenario felt like divorce. Okay, divorce is my worst case scenario. Could I handle getting divorced? And eventually, yes, I got my brain and my body to get there right. But so just realize, when you’re feeling an emotion, it’s so important to feel it and process it and think about it instead of just ignore it and downplay it. Okay, you’re not going to be able to make those shifts in your life for a better life if you suppress those feelings.
Anger is a huge one, I think, in betrayal and men and women, we’re taught anger is bad. That’s bad to feel anger. It’s actually so healthy. When we feel angry, it’s because we actually cared and loved someone and feel very hurt by them, and so anger can help us know what we really believe in and what we really wanted and desired, because we feel very angry because we didn’t get it and if we don’t feel those angry feelings, we can fall into depression or perfectionism right, we can fall into depression or perfectionism, right. A lot of people mask like, instead of feeling angry, they’re going to be perfect in everything and try to like have a tight grip on perfectionism and that will be very unhelpful and not useful, because no one’s perfect right and no one wants to be around someone that thinks they are. And depression if you’re feeling depressed, consider maybe you have some anger inside of you that just needs to come out.
Shame, I think, is huge in betrayal, not only for the person that is the betrayer, but the betrayed. I felt so much shame because I was like what’s wrong with me? And I think, if you can move yourself into having humility, which is like a quiet confidence where you can acknowledge your flaws, for me it was like, oh, I just could focus on my flaws but realizing of course I have flaws, of course I’m not a perfect wife, but I’m also an amazing wife and an amazing person. I have good qualities and bad qualities and when we don’t feel this, we have a lot of pride. And if you feel a lot of rage, just know it’s coming from the shame that you haven’t felt and moved through yourself A lot of self-rejection. So it’s like we feel rejected by someone, so we’re going to reject ourselves, and that can really keep us stuck in our healing process.
I was just thinking of an example when I was feeling a lot of shame and just how I got out of it. And it’s a silly example, but I was skiing. This was before I got divorced and I was just in a bad mood because my ski pants didn’t button. So it’s the first time I went skiing for that year and so I was frustrated because I was like I was feeling fat and that was a huge trigger for me because my spouse was very particular about how I looked and my body and I was overweight, and so I remember just being really grumpy and frustrated and wanting you know him just to ski ahead of me and I was like ruining my day for myself, right. So I got down to the bottom of the hill and I just was like I’ve got to just be honest and say of the hill, and I just was like I’ve got to just be honest and say this is why I’m in a bad mood, because my ski pants don’t button. And once I said that out loud, I felt so much better but I had so much shame inside of me Like, oh my gosh, like everyone’s noticing Of course no one could see that my ski pants didn’t fit, but in my mind the entire ski slope saw it, and for sure my spouse did. He didn’t notice, right, but I was able to say that.
So I think, acknowledging when you are starting to feel shame about anything, just speaking it out loud, and you don’t have to necessarily speak it to anyone, but just saying it like, oh, this is the problem and I’m ruining my ski day because of the thoughts in my head and what I’m thinking about myself, like all this negative self-talk, right. And so just speaking that and knowing that I’m not perfect, yeah, I must have gained a little bit of weight from last year, or a lot of weight, I don’t know, but I was able to say it and then I felt so much better and I had such a better day skiing because I just told the truth and I was able to accept myself and accept my low qualities, I guess the things I’ve perceived as something bad and also know like, okay, I’m still okay, I’m still a good person, even though my pants don’t button up, anyways. The other one is guilt. I think, especially if you’re the betrayer or if you’re in a relationship where infidelity has happened, I think guilt is important to feel, but many people they don’t. But if someone a healthy way right, if you want to do the shift, you’re willing to seek forgiveness.
And I think, any time in our life if we have done something that we know is out of alignment with ourselves, and we seek to ask hey, I’m sorry, this happens a lot with my kids, because those are the people I’m interacting with the most, maybe my siblings but I’m like hey, I’m really sorry, I didn’t realize that this was happening. It’s because you feel a little bad about it. Maybe you feel guilty. I don’t know if that’s quite the emotion. That’s quite the emotion. But when you don’t allow yourself to do this, this is for sure pride and toxic shame. And toxic shame is a chronic feeling of unworthiness, self-loathing, debilitating consequences. So do you find yourself feeling toxic shame or pride? If you do, you’re not going to be able to make those shifts right. You need to go like how can I ask for forgiveness or be forgiven?
And the last one I thought was so interesting was gladness or joyfulness was gladness or joyfulness. Because when you can feel joy and that is that you can experience life, the richness of life A lot of times when you have all these negative emotions and you’re suppressing them, you can’t feel those positive emotions. But so many people, what they call joy or gladness is through entertainment or sensationalism, so they’re using, they can only feel joy when they’re at a concert or they’re playing video games or looking at porn or the million other things that you could be doing on your phone, right, instagram, facebook. That’s the only time that they can feel a little joy. So I want to challenge you that finding joy in the little things of life you’re just grateful for, you know you go outside and you have a warm car I was really grateful for that today because it’s cold here but finding joy in things that aren’t necessarily planned or you know you’re not getting on your phone or having to pay to get it right Just finding joy in the little things, in that you have food and clothes or whatever right, instead of you have to always be entertained.
So I just think, as you’re shifting, wanting to make some changes in your life, really focus on your emotions and how those can really keep you stuck or really create the life that you want. Because so many people, we just suppress our feelings, we avoid them, we stuff them down, and that will not give you the life that you want. That’s not going to give you the five degree shift or the one degree shift to change and create the life you want, because what we don’t feel, we cannot heal. And so notice what emotions you feel stuck in and what they’re causing you to do. What are your impairments? Are you feeling resentful, apathy, self-pity, depressed? And if you are, then reconsider and decide like, like, oh, maybe I need to work on that, maybe I need to start feeling that emotion more or find a way, find someone to help me do this. I think that’s the biggest gift you can heal that wound, especially a betrayal, and to live a fulfilled, joyful life.
I hope this was helpful. Thank you so much for listening. I would love to help you learn to process your emotions. So just know I offer a free call. You can go to my website website lifecoachjencom, and on the page that says private coaching, you can find a button and push that and schedule a call and we can discuss. And it’s free and I can help you in that call and decide if we want to work together. Thanks so much for listening. Please like and review and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at. Hello at lifecoachjen with one n dot com. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
