Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So I was talking to my good friend. You know I go walking with my friends I call them the Diamond Dolls and I’m like oh, what should I talk about? And they’re like talk about decluttering. And this podcast is in September and I think when our kids go back to school if you have kids back in school it’s a good time, like before the holidays. Maybe you’re thinking about decluttering and I just think it’s a good time, like before the holidays. Maybe you’re thinking about decluttering and I just think it’s useful.
I, because I’m not obviously decluttering, we talk about stuff, but it is going to help your mind and if you’ve experienced something really hard, like divorce, betrayal or anything else really hard, your mind you need. You need to have peace right, because it’s very tumultuous, lots of emotions going on, and I’ve been divorced for about two and a half years, and when I moved out of my house I downsized a lot, so I had four storage units for an entire year and I finally got out of the storage units last November and so, but I had in my entire garage, except for one. I have a three-car garage with room to park one car in, and so then all that stuff I’ve been going through this past year and it’s just stuff that probably needed to. I could have gone you know I don’t want to like I should have, could have, would have right, but I didn’t, and so now I’m going through it. But what I’ve learned, just from my own experience, it’s actually been really therapeutic. Now I’m a saver.
I saved all my kids, like little notes they gave me and little you know, all their project. There’s anything I felt important, which is most things that they brought home for me from school, all their art projects, and I have them in containers, been going through them, and especially stuff that I kept for myself, like I’ve kept, if you sent me a Christmas card, I have it Not anymore, though, because I decided I’m like, okay, I’m never looking at these cards, like I love all the people that are on my Christmas card list, I love giving Christmas cards, I love receiving Christmas cards, but that was one thing. I’m like I’m throwing them away. And or a wedding invitation, a bridal shower invitation. I just decided I’m like I don’t need that anymore.
And then I’ve also been going through because, of course, I was married for 26 years, so there’s a lot of things that I have that were my former spouses. So I’ve made him a pile. I’m like, okay, he can choose to check all of it or he might enjoy looking at it like pictures from his childhood and all of his stuff. But it’s been very therapeutic. I found some notes that my kids have written to me when they were 10,. I found some notes that my kids have written to me when they were 10, maybe needing some attention, and some of the notes have been a little painful for me to read because I look at my life, where I was, what was going on in my marriage when they were 10. And I probably wasn’t showing up as the mom that in my head I thought I was or wanted to be, and so I’ve been able to talk to some of my kids about this, like, hey, just so you know, I’m so sorry and I didn’t show up that way, and it’s been a very healing. It’s kind of like I feel like me decluttering these are papers, right, it’s been very healing. I found journals that I wrote in and different things to give me a lot of compassion for my story and where I was, so it’s actually been a really healing thing.
So if you’re a collector of papers and stuff like that, challenge you to take a moment For me. I’m like, hey, I’ll go through these five boxes this week or whatever, but that is something I’ve been going on. And also stuff, right, my house is a lot smaller and so I’ve had to decide to go through things. So I kind of printed off some things of why, why do we hold on to stuff? Why do we have clutter? Well, a lot of times, some of us, we can’t even identify what clutter is Like. We’re just like no, this is our stuff, these are our things.
If you’ve ever, if you have little kids and they have 50 stuffed animals and you ask them okay, which ones are your favorite? Well, their favorites are all 50, right, and so it’s really hard for them to decide which ones they want to get rid of. But if you’re like, hey, you can keep five stuffed animals, then it gets a little easier. So, just identifying, learn to like do you need all this stuff? Are these magazines really important to you? So, but of course our brain likes to say like, no, we need all this stuff. What if we could use it again? What if it’s going to be useful in 10 years, right? So kind of start getting you know, catching on to what your brain is doing.
Some people are hoarders, but really that’s like two to six percent of the population. So if you are a hoarder, if you’re like I am for sure a hoarder, there’s help for that. Probably go to therapy, figure out like there’s probably a deeper rooted issue to that and there’s help. There’s nothing to be ashamed of Acknowledging it and getting help. Reaching out is perfectly acceptable and could be very helpful in your healing journey.
If you’re like well, I can’t get rid of it, that’s my thing with all this. It’s an emotional. I have an emotional attachment to some of these things my kids gave me. So I’ve gone through it once, right, and then I still have a lot. So now I’m like deciding okay, what am I going to do with it? There’s lots of companies. You can create a book, you can send it away and they scan it and put it into a book. So I’ve thought about that. So decide what you know, different things that are really important and maybe give yourself a break.
Don’t feel like I have to make this decision today. If you’re looking at something and you can’t decide quickly, maybe leave it and let it go for another time, because we want to make fast decisions when we’re decluttering. If you have a notes app on your phone put down when you’re like, oh, I need this. Or in your closet, I’m a clothes horse, I love clothes and so but then I’ll go to the store and think like, oh, I think I need a new pair of jeans. Oh, actually I have 10 pairs of jeans. I don’t need a new pair of jeans, so, but I need a new pair of khaki pants. I probably don’t, because I’m not going to wear khaki pants, but anyways, a color of pants that I need. Or I really need a new dress for this occasion, or a new white shirt, I don’t know. But maybe keep track in your phone so when you go to the store you don’t get sidetracked by.
You know all the things and buy things that you don’t necessarily need, and I know a lot of. You probably shop online. I’m not an online shopper, but if you are an online shopper, go into your closet first See if you need it. As far as clothes go, or with the grocery shopping right clothes go, or with the grocery shopping right. Like how many times I have like, probably spices are the thing that I’m at the store and I’m like, oh, I’m out of that spice, so I buy it. And then I come home and I’m like, oh, I have five containers of that spice or vinegar. Like I feel like at one time in my life I must’ve been using a lot of vinegar because I’m like, oh, I’m out of vinegar, which I never use now, but I ended up having all this vinegar. So just know different tendencies that you might have and maybe write it down, and so you know things that you actually do need, as opposed to just buying things that you think you need, because our brain sometimes thinks we need certain things and we do not.
If you struggle with cleaning, okay, make it a priority. Our mind, of course, wants to do everything but clean, and so, having tips and tricks and tools I’ve learned with my kids hey guys, I’m going to come down and help you clean your room. We’re going to set the timer for 20 minutes. We’re going to do as much as we can in 20 minutes. Sometimes things like that help. So find ways to kind of make it a game, make it fun.
If that’s a struggle for you, if you can afford a cleaning lady, you could check that off. Like that could just bring your mind, declutter your mind, so you know your house is getting cleaned right. You still have to pick up things and probably do dishes and laundry. But even with laundry, there are laundry services out there and I’m not saying but if you can afford them and if that is going to give you a lot of brain capacity and brain space and less stress in your life, I think it’s important to consider. Maybe it’s worth it. Maybe you’re attaching, like, what is the value of having less stress in your life, especially if you can afford it? Now, if you can’t, that might not be an option. Maybe you invite a friend over and you guys work on you know she sits and talks to you while you clean your kitchen or she helps you, and then next week you go help her. I always thought that would be a fun idea because I never had a sister. Or, if you have a sister, you guys help each other out.
You can be creative in getting tasks done with your home because I promise you, if you can create a peaceful home, your brain is going to have so much more energy to heal as well as create who knows what amazing things. And you’re just not going to be stressed all the time. You’re not going to. You’ll have a lot more patience with your kids, with yourself, how clutter impacts your mental health. If you have a cluttery home, you’re just going to have a lot more stress, and we’ve already talked about stress and anxiety and how cortisol levels it doesn’t help you. There isn’t good. That’s coming from all that stress. Okay, you’re going to be in constant fight or flight. You’re just going to be on edge all the time, and so just notice how you’re feeling so then you can decide okay, do I want to live like this anymore? You’re going to have a hard time focusing. It’s going to be really overwhelming.
If you’ve ever just walked into, if you ever had a playroom, you walk into the playroom. I had an arts and craft room in my house as well, and it’s like you look at it and you’re like it looks like a bomb went off and I can’t even deal with this. But eventually you’ve got to deal with it and so if we don’t let it get that way, it’s going to be a lot better. But if we do, we’re not going to judge ourselves, but we’re going to be like, just take a corner at a time and pay attention to how you’re feeling, because having that chaos in your life is going to create a lot of negative emotions and you’re going to get burned out and you’re not going to feel as happy, I’m guessing, as you want to in your own home.
Having clutter just creates a lot of roadblocks. It prevents us from our creativity. It prevents us from living a full life, especially when we become so emotionally attached to things. Right, I get like some things are just emotionally more emotional than others. It brings up a memory are just emotionally more emotional than others. It brings up a memory. I like to collect art, so I see the art hanging in my home and I can remember the trip. And for me that’s not cluttery because it’s hanging on my wall, it has a place.
But I’m going to say my pantry is super cluttery, right, and it can be really overwhelming. And then your kids open the door and they’re like we can’t find anything. And then they get frustrated. They’re like we have no food and then we end up ordering food which costs more money. You see where this is going and instead of you know, shaming yourself or calling yourself a bad mom or I don’t know how to organize, just decide, okay, I’m going to organize my pantry and I actually I haven’t. I did one shelf but she ended up doing but I’m like, just start one shelf at a time, just do one shelf, and if you have something that expired five years ago, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just throw it away and move on. Like, decide, oh, because we don’t want to eat. That Don’t make it mean anything about you, because it didn’t. It doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It just means that it got stuck in the back of the pantry and you forgot it was there. And so I just think we tend to add all these extra negative emotions onto ourself that are unnecessary. I think for sure.
After I got divorced, it’s like I felt security in a lot of the stuff that I had. It’s like what if I can never buy a couch again? Like, what if I never can buy? I’ve got to keep this couch. Because what if I can never afford one again? Well, I hated the couch. So it’s like, if it doesn’t bring you joy, that’s my thought. If I look at something in my home and it does not bring me joy or happiness, I’m going to get rid of it and I’m going to figure out a way to get something like that eventually someday that I need or want and that brings me joy. And so I like that thought, especially my clothes. If I try something on and it doesn’t bring me joy, I don’t feel good in it, I’m just going to get rid of it. I’m not going to decide oh, I spent X amount of dollars on it, I should keep it. Maybe it’s going to fit me someday, whether it’s too big or too small. I’m like no, I don’t need it and I’m going to put it out into the universe. I’m going to donate it to someone that it’s going to make their day. They’re going to find it at the desert industries and I’m going to make their day. So I just try to like, think that way. So it’s much easier for me to get rid of it.
You can sell things. There’s lots of you know sites. If you’re like, no, I need to make money, that’s important to me. For me, I’ve decided I value my safety much more than I do making $100 on selling something, and so I just I feel I don’t like strangers coming to my house and like walking in my house to look at a piece of furniture or something that feels unsafe to me, and so if it’s a friend or someone I know or I could take it somewhere to sell it. That’s different. But for me I would rather just donate it than you know, haggle with someone for $25 and then have them see where I live. I don’t know. That just doesn’t feel safe. So pay attention to what feels safe to you and what you want. And some people love to sell things on Facebook or in Utah it’s called KSL. Anyways, there’s lots of websites. You can sell things. Some people like get a thrill out of that, great, go for it. But for me it’s not. I just don’t like it. I just don’t like it.
The other thing it can help you feel in control of your space when you get it to where you want it to be. So if you have a room in your house, focus on a room or a corner, like don’t decide, like, okay, I’m going to declutter my whole house. It’s going to take time. I’ve been doing this for two and a half years. Like every time I get, you know, a little area done, I bring my boys and say, hey guys, look what I did. Like I try to like I’m like I need a little bit of like excitement here, because I’ve just spent months doing this little section of. I’ve gone through these 20 totes and it’s been a lot and luckily they’re good, they’re good sports. They come and say good job, mom. But don’t you don’t have to bite all this off at once.
But I promise you, as you do, I want you to pay attention to how you feel, because the goal is to feel at least for for me, feel peace and love and joy. And when I have a lot of stuff it does not make me feel that way. And especially if you’ve been divorced, if you have things in your house that your husband loved, your former spouse loved and you hated, get rid of it. Like there’s no point in keeping it, even if it, whatever amount of money it costs or give it back to him or whatever. But you don’t need to hold on to it because that’s just dead weight. You’re gonna look at it and you’re gonna have a bad feeling or whatever, and because I guarantee we all have those things in our life and so decide, like you’re allowed to not like something, you’re allowed to get rid of something. There’s no rule that you have to keep something, even if it costs a lot of money, and so just pay attention, and then I want you to also pay attention to how you feel afterwards.
I think it’s important to you know, have a system. If you don’t have a system, I put stuff I don’t want in my garage, like in a box or a tote that I don’t want, and then I will stick it all in my car and I drive down that day and donate it. So, if you can create some sort of system, don’t put it in your car without the plan to go take it. Okay, because we all have been there where we’ve been driving around for weeks and months with the intention to drop stuff off at the donation center. But maybe keep it somewhere and then decide, put it in your calendar, make a plan and go drop it off, maybe have a goal that you know I’m going to do this little closet we all have closets.
I don’t want you to think like there isn’t a house in the world that has everything perfectly organized. I mean, maybe there might be a few, but in general, the average American family, we have spots in our life that are just unorganized. We always say we’re going to get to it. We’ll get to it later. We’re going to do it. But if you really want to work on decluttering your mind and creating a space for yourself to breathe and to heal and to feel joy, in just start with one drawer or one closet or one tote and go from there. So anyways, I hope this was helpful. I think’re gonna have so much like you’re not only gonna have a much more organized home, but you’re gonna have a much more decluttered mind and for me that’s the biggest benefit of it, like it’s not necessarily the clean house or the organized house, it’s my mind is less cluttered with things that I don’t need to be worrying about anymore, that I can heal from that. I can, you know, feel that joy and feel peace in my house.
And if you don’t know like, if you’re like I’m not a good organizer, first of all. Anyone can organize. Anyone can do this. You don’t have to be a great organizer First of all. Anyone can organize. Anyone can do this. You don’t have to be a great organizer. You can create your own way of doing this. But call a friend, do it together.
I think finding someone to help you plus it makes it so much more fun when you’re doing it with someone that you can sit and talk to. If you can get your kids to help you, that’s a bonus too. But that can be hard sometimes. But you can even say like hey, I need 10 minutes, 10 minutes for you to look at this stuff and tell me what you want, because I also don’t believe in just throwing your kids’ stuff away without their permission. I think that is more harmful. That’s my opinion. That could be a whole other podcast, but I think it’s important.
If it is their stuff, like, have them, have a buy-in and say, hey, do you want this? I was going to get rid of my kids, like their DSD players that they had and they’re like mom, we want to keep those. I’m like great, perfect, we’ll put them in this tote. And if you know, whenever I go through that tote again, which is probably a long time from now. They may change their mind or they may be like, oh, this is so much fun. They may be married and have kids and they want to show them. I don’t know why they wanted to keep it divorced.
Just don’t throw. I think that’s just against what I believe too. Don’t throw all of your former spouse’s stuff pictures, memorabilia, whatever. I would just say don’t throw it away. Just give it back to them and let them deal with it. That feels the most genuine to me. Now you can do what you want, but that just feels the nicest thing. You know, if they’re around and if it’s convenient, I guess you could mail it. I don’t know. I I just would feel bad doing that anyways. So hopefully this was helpful, hopefully, whatever you know, it’s sometime in September, this might be the greatest. It’s fall.
Make a goal to have one area I’m still working on the last section so I can park two cars in my garage. My goal is, before it snows in Utah, that I can have two cars parked in my garage, and I’m very close to meeting that goal. So I’m thrilled. But don’t be too hard on yourself. It takes time and energy, but I promise, as you do this, you’re going to have so many more benefits of doing this than you could even imagine. If you like this podcast, leave me a review, send me a text message. I’d love to hear your thoughts. If you have an idea for a podcast, or if you know someone that would be great for me to interview, I would love to hear about it. Anyways, have a beautiful day and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
