Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So today I just was thinking, in case you’re wondering, like am I healed? Where am I at in my healing journey? And so I am doing the 12 steps of healing and a lot of things. I think like the 12 step program, for whatever reason, why there’s 12 steps, I don’t know. Someone just came up with 12 and stuck with it, and there could be a lot more, or you could just choose a few that you want to work on or that you think are appropriate, so anyway, so I’m just going to talk a little bit about each one that, if you’re considering, if you’re like, ooh, I really feel like I need some more healing, I’m not quite healed.
Even if your spouse had an affair like 10 years ago and you’re noticing yourself getting triggered more or things are bothering you or just things that you thought were healed but are just coming up a little bit. That’s okay. There’s no like deadline on healing or timeline, right, because sometimes we’re just not ready. Like I feel like I was married for 26 years. For the first 20 of those years was not healing. I thought I was, I thought, but no, what I was doing was ignoring and pretending and putting on a mask. That’s what I was doing and thinking it was all my fault and so I wasn’t healing. But now I’m for sure I’m all in and I feel very healed now.
But I know there’s always work to do and there’s always different things that come up and it’s like oh, maybe I’m not quite there yet, so no judgment. I know we tend to judge ourselves the most, so if you find yourself judging yourself, please don’t and consider. Just be curious, like, oh, this is interesting, why I’m feeling this way. So I think the most important thing for me was seeking appropriate help. That’s going to be the first step finding someone that can help you and someone that can talk to you, that can understand why I went to coaching. Because coaching had helped me so much because I needed someone to see my mind and to see where I was stuck and be neutral about it, not have any like, not tell me what to do or what was wrong with me right, but just to help me see my brain, to see what I was thinking, how I was helpful, but also a therapist as well.
But finding the right therapist and coach and I think with betrayal, you need someone that is trauma-informed, because with betrayal, you have betrayal trauma. There is traumatic events. We all have different traumas in our life, but it’s important to have someone be able to recognize, that, understand why is your nervous system acting the way it is? Is your normal response fight, flight or freeze? Just being able to connect your mind and your body and your healing? I believe there’s no other way. You can’t think your way out of betrayal. You have to think and you have to feel your way out of betrayal. You have to think and you have to feel your way out of it and get in your body and feel your emotions. So that is something that I think is really crucial finding the right person that you connect with. You might have to go to five different people or you know. That’s why I offer a free call is because someone might get on a call with me and they’re like, oh, I’m just not the one for them and that’s okay. Or I might think, oh, I don’t think I’m going to be able to help them or they’re just not ready yet, whatever. So that’s why I think it’s important to get on a call and maybe with five different people, or talk to a few different therapists until you find your person that really you connect with, because that’s going to help you in your healing journey.
Finding groups, I think, is also so. Seek appropriate help right. Find help. The second one is, you know, finding that person, the coach, the therapist or a like sponsor, and when I mean sponsor like. I belong to a few betrayal groups and we meet monthly and just having other women or men. I have a free club that I created so that people can be online right and to have a community. I think it’s important for community to know you’re not alone. There are other people out there that have experienced it, because we logically know other people besides ourselves have been betrayed. But when you’re being betrayed, when you’re in betrayal, you believe you’re the only person and it is very isolating and you do feel very alone, and so having a space, a community, I think, is really invaluable.
Number three dedicate yourself to the truth. Truth is really hard sometimes, I think there’s lots of lying and betrayal, but once you can be honest with yourself, it’s hard but it can be really healing, because the truth is, when you’re being betrayed, you are also betraying yourself, right, and you don’t necessarily recognize that until you’re on your healing journey. You’re lying to yourself. Most of us, I think it happens with men and women, right, it’s like we feel something’s off, right. We’re just not quite sure what it is, and then we maybe pretend. Some of us pretend longer than others, some of us, you know, I feel like the Gen Z generation.
I watch these young girls online and it’s like they leave immediately, right, they’re not putting up with anyone cheating on them. Like they leave immediately, right, they’re not putting up with anyone cheating on them. And then Gen X me, you know. Oh, I’m going to stay married for 26 years because you know, I’m all in that marriage, right, not getting divorced. So I don’t know, I don’t know which is better. I don’t, there’s not a better way, and don’t judge yourself. I just I don’t, there’s not a better way. And don’t judge yourself. I just I can’t, we can’t go back in time, just know that.
But finding out the truth and sadly you may never know the real truth about your husband’s affair or your wife’s affair that is hard, that is frustrating, that is irritating, frustrating, that is irritating, but you can know enough to decide like, okay, I know enough of the truth and be honest with yourself as well as you know the situation. Right, this is the honest, as honest as I know, as truthful as I know. And it is hard. I like puzzles and so I want all the puzzles of my life put together. And it’s really hard because my puzzle is missing a lot, a lot of pieces. And so I just have to tell my brain like, okay, the things I think are missing, I probably really know the truth of that, the things I think are missing, I probably really know the truth of that.
And I think it’s important to be honest with yourself from here on out, when you realize how dishonest of a marriage you had and the dishonesty you were creating and adding to that, just being honest as honest as you can in your feelings, in your thoughts, in your actions, and when you’re not, when you find yourself, you know, slipping back into that way of like, not really want to share your honest feelings, like repair that and say you know, actually I don’t feel that way, I really feel this way, or whatever. So I think that’s really a part of healing that is really important. Become a choice maker is number four, and I think this is really important for those of you that felt like you didn’t have choices in your marriage. Because, for those of you that felt like you didn’t have choices in your marriage because or you thought you weren’t making choices in your marriage, because you were, whether you were silently making them or subconsciously making them I made lots of choices in my marriage that basically gave my husband permission, I think, to cheat on me, right, because I just was silent, or my actions said something differently than what I really wanted, or my words. You know, I was so afraid of getting divorced that I would agree to something that I really didn’t agree with.
And so, realizing you have choices and you get to choose something so many women I talk to are like, well, I’m just going to wait and see what my husband wants us to do after he has been having an affair for four years. Okay, no, you can make the choice. You can decide to leave and I understand sometimes you’re going to choose to stay. I used to have a thought that it was from a song by Cher but I’m strong enough to live without you, but I’m choosing to stay. And that was my thought because I knew he was cheating on me, but I wasn’t ready to leave and that was how I was able. I stayed. But then when I realized, like no, I got stronger and stronger. I’m strong enough to live without you. End of story, I’m out.
So just try to make your choices consciously. Okay, if you’re choosing to stay married for the kids, just acknowledge that, like I’m going to stay married for the kids, I’m going to stay married because I don’t feel like I can afford to get divorced. Or I’m going to go back to school and get my degree before I get divorced, or whatever. Or I’m going to give him three more chances, or one more chance, or whatever. Just choose a choice on purpose and you don’t have to tell anyone about it, just for yourself. I think this is really important. You’re healing that you’re making choices for yourself and don’t judge yourself for your choices, because we all have reasons and we don’t need to tell anyone about our reasons why we’re staying or why we’re leaving. It’s not anyone else’s business.
Accept responsibility for yourself. I think it’s really important to do this because many of us want to blame our marriage falling apart, or blame our spouse, or blame the other woman or other man, or blame our spouse or blame the other woman or other man. That feels better to us to blame everyone else for what’s happening to us. But I think it’s really important to accept responsibility for what you did, what your part in your marriage was. I’m not saying their affair had anything to do with you. It wasn’t your fault. But we all a marriage takes two people right. There are things that we, you know, want to be better right, or things we want to change or whatever. Whatever responsibility you had in your marriage. I think it’s really important to own that, and when you find yourself blaming someone else, that’s just going to take your power away and it’s going to keep you stuck. So just stay focused on, okay, what is my responsibility. And in a situation you might’ve had 5% and they have 95% right. So it’s not like you’re necessarily equal responsibility, but it’s going to help you heal if you do. Take whatever you think is your responsibility and stop blaming everyone else.
Okay, plan a self-care program. I’ve talked about this a lot. It’s your job to make sure you’re getting your needs met. And in order to heal, you need to be taking care of yourself. And depending on where you are at like if you just found out yesterday, right, it’s okay, stay in bed. But if it’s been 10 years and you’re still in bed, okay, maybe let’s shift and try something else. Like, maybe you start going on walks and making sure you’re eating healthy drinking water, finding a community, seeking outside help.
So, depending on where you’re at, I have found in a lot of my self-care I rest a lot. I need lots of rest, sometimes during the day, some days are different, but I just think that’s how my body has been healing is. I just take little breaks and I don’t judge myself for it. I just am like, oh, this is what I need right now and I’m really grateful for it. I don’t think, oh, I’m so lazy, you’re doing something wrong, right, that’s going to be unhelpful. But whatever you need for self-care, you know, working out, I think, is huge Going on a walk, grounding yourself, going and doing a you know cold plunge or whatever. There could you know a million ideas. I’ve done whole podcasts on self-care before, but that’s another number. Six step of the 12 steps of healing. Number seven is love wisely.
I think we confuse love with many things. I love you. If I love you, you know I should stay married because I love you. Well, I think it’s important to define what you think love is and what your spouse thinks love is, because chances are it might be two different things and love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action. Right. Are they showing you by having an affair that they love you? Probably not. If that’s not in your definition, right. And it doesn’t mean that people can’t repair and come back from an affair. I think marriages can be stronger ultimately. However, I just want you to pay attention when you use the word love. But I love them. Right. We tend to use it as a weapon against ourselves. So choose people that reciprocate, right.
Love intentionally, love wisely, and I don’t think love, in my opinion, is always the best emotion, like I think it is. But you can love someone and get divorced. It’s totally possible. I did it and I’m glad I did that, because I loved myself more. Okay, so just consider, like, how is love showing up for you? What are you doing and do you love yourself, I think, more than the bad behavior of your spouse possibly? Commit yourself is number eight. So stay committed. Commitment, I think, is important because it shows you have a desire to change. Look at your life. Some people really hate commitment, right, and maybe that’s why they had an affair, I don’t know. But decide, like, what am I committed on? I’m committed to healing. Be committed and do those small things every day. I talked about the five degree shift last week, but just do little things. Right, to stay committed to your healing journey, I think is really important.
Number nine claim your personal power. I think this one is huge. Many, many of us get stuck in victim, being the victim and in a way, we were the victim right of someone choosing to step outside of our marriage and betray us. But don’t get stuck there right. Find your power, realize that this was about them, this was not about you, and decide who do you want to be now, what can you do when you talk to yourself and when you make different choices? How are you coming from empowerment instead of victim, or you know? I just think it’s really an internal shift that you have to make with your mind. I love to say, like, how can I be the hero of my story today? What can I do to make this problem or whatever? Like so I don’t go back into. Like, oh well, if I wasn’t divorced then I wouldn’t have this issue. No, don’t. When you do that, that just gets you stuck back in victimhood. So I think finding your personal power is really helpful in your healing.
Number 10, assess your relationships. I think, sadly, when you get divorced, people leave your life and it is sad. I moved and somehow I still live in the same city, but I don’t talk to a lot of people that I talked to before and that is on me and I guess on them, right. Like I could reach out. I don’t, but sometimes I do, and I think you just have to be intentional. Like, who in your life were you just in a relationship with because of your former spouse? Maybe you don’t talk to them. For me, I’ve had to disconnect from several of my former in-laws, right, because it was just too painful for me to have connection with them. So decide, you get to decide who you want to have a relationship with and who you don’t want to have a relationship with, and there might’ve been people that you couldn’t stand, but because they were friends with your spouse, then you had to be friends with them. You felt like anyways. So I think this is a really great time to assess relationships, and maybe I found this with my brother. I have an older brother who for years, when he was married his wife I mean, they just didn’t interact. We didn’t interact with each other or our families, our kids, and now that he’s divorced I’ve seen him more in like the past. I don’t know how long he’s been divorced a year and a half than I did in the past 20 years. So we now have totally reconnected and I’m excited to get to see his kids more and interact with his kids, because I always wanted to be an aunt and I just haven’t had a lot of opportunities to do so. So now I get to have a stronger relationship with my brother and his kids, which I’m really excited for. So that’s number 10. Number 11, honor aloneness.
I think people really struggle with this one. Being alone is I don’t know why. In our society it’s like everyone’s always trying to set you up like oh, who are you dating? When are you going to get remarried? I find it funny because I have young adult kids and I feel like that’s what people ask them like oh, who are you dating? When are you going to get married? Whatever right, and they hate it. And now, in my 50s, I’m having the same questions asked of me, and so I just find it ironic in our society it’s like, oh, you can’t be alone, you can’t not be married. It’s like, oh, no, I was married for 26 years. I don’t know if I ever want to get remarried again Like I’ve done that, been there, done that. But it’s okay for people to be alone. Just because they’re alone doesn’t mean they’re lonely. And if you are alone and lonely, that is your job to reach out and make connections and get involved and find hobbies and do the thing. It’s not anyone else’s job to do that for you. And I think, as you’re healing, you’re going to be able to get there right.
Maybe at the very beginning that feels really hard and overwhelming, but I think it’s really, actually really healthy. I find people that get divorced after a long marriage and then jump into a new relationship and marriage is very unhealthy because they never healed from the first marriage and so then usually the second marriage doesn’t last very long and then they’re like, oh my gosh, now I’m remarried or now I’m divorced again, right, and so it feels scarier to get married a third time. So, really, honor being alone and taking that time to heal. And if you have young kids, I know that might feel harder because you’re never alone. Like I’m still not alone. I still have three kids that live with me. But I have moments of aloneness and I’m learning to enjoy that. I actually love it. But for those of you that that’s hard for, just recognize that that’s part of this healing. It’s really an important step. Just recognize that that’s part of this healing. It’s really an important step.
And I always encourage people to stay divorced for at least one year, but they have to be doing their work right. So if you’re not, if you get divorced and don’t like, just jumping into another relationship is not doing your work. You got to do your work on your own. You have to heal those parts of you. You got to do your work on your own. You have to heal those parts of you. And if you’re doing it while you’re still married, that’s great too, because a lot of people think, oh, I can’t heal until I decide if I’m going to get divorced or stay married. It’s absolutely not true. You can start healing and maybe as you heal, your marriage gets stronger or it doesn’t, and you’re like more healed and you can make that decision to get divorced. So I think healing is important whenever you’re ready and whenever you feel that need to start healing. You don’t have to be like your marriage doesn’t have to be perfect because it’s not going to happen. So just pay attention.
And the last one is open yourself to serendipity. And just in case you don’t know what serendipity means, which I? You know, we hear the word, I think there’s a whole movie about it, but it’s an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident, good fortune or luck, like being a glass half full person or, you know, an optimistic person. So I think being open to things happening, discovering things, is so important. Being open-minded I’ve tried to, you know, putting yourself out there, not being closed off, being open to trying new things. I think you never know what that will lead you to. So I think that’s why it’s the last step right as you heal, go on your healing journey to being open to the possibility of something, and when you’re more open, you’re able to receive, whereas if you’re closed off, you can’t receive, and that’s everything from light and love and new friends and relationships and connections. So just focus on that as you are healing, that you’re more open and willing to have experiences when they come to you and say yes to things that you’re like. I would never say yes to this, but I’m I’m saying yes, so I hope that was helpful.
A little roadmap for you on your healing journey. Wherever you are in this process is 100% okay. There’s not a time that it’s necessarily going to take you to heal. Some people heal quicker and some people take a lot longer. It just depends on what you’re willing to put in and willing to do for yourself and your desire, right? Thanks so much for listening. I hope you have a beautiful day and please like and leave me a review and share it with your family and friends so that they can find me and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After. Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
