Speaker 1: 0:10
Hi friends, welcome to Happily. Even After I’m Life Coach Jen, a certified life coach that specializes in relationships. I’m a mom of four awesome kids and one amazing son-in-law, a home decorator, a remodeler, a shopper, a scrabbler and a snuggler. I want to help you with your relationships, mainly the relationship you have with yourself, your family and God. Thanks for listening and letting me share the tools I have learned that can help you live happily even after some of life’s greatest challenges. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast, another episode recorded in my home studio, which I’m really excited about. Thanks so much for listening and sticking with me for all these episodes.
Speaker 1: 0:58
The reason I do this is I want to help those of you that are struggling with infidelity or just in your marriage or with your children, whatever you’re struggling with I just. For me, this has been very healing and I think we need more people in the world talking about these issues, because many of us are struggling and if we don’t talk about it, I think we definitely we heal as a community. We heal by connecting with each other and we do not heal alone. We need other people to heal, help heal our trauma and our hearts, and so that is really why one of my reasons for doing this podcast is so that we can heal and know that we aren’t alone. So this week is my two-year divorce anniversary and I just wanted to reflect on how things are going and share with you. I found a journal entry of the day I found out my divorce was final and I’m going to read that to you and share that with you. But for the most part, things are amazing. For the most part, things are amazing, but I think divorce for many people, it’s the chapter that ends that you weren’t expecting At least, I think most people. I’ve never met someone that just expected to get divorced. We all get married to have it be forever and especially when we have kids, to have it be forever and especially when we have kids, and so having our family dynamic change it just there’s just lots of moving parts and a lot of things that we just aren’t expecting, and it’s just an interesting experience. So I’m going to go back with you on the day.
Speaker 1: 3:11
There was a lot leading up to my final decision to get divorced. It wasn’t necessarily in my plan in 2022, but there was several things that were going on and so really it was almost a relief and I’m guessing, for those of you that are divorced, that have been experiencing betrayal, you just want a relief. You’re so consumed with pain and anger and hurt and you have a lot of feelings of devastation and abandonment. And am I good enough? And all those feelings and realizing like, okay, divorce is actually the best choice in this situation. And that is a hard thing, especially if you actually value marriage. Not everyone values marriage, not everyone puts as much weight on it, and that’s their way of doing life and what they think.
Speaker 1: 4:19
I had a lot of religious feelings about marriage and divorce, religious how I was brought up, how I was raised, the importance of it and so and I really I committed to my marriage, I was faithful in my marriage. I did not have affairs, I was not. I don’t even think I barely talked to another man, unless it was, like you know, at my son’s sporting activities or anyways. I just I never, even never, crossed my mind. And so being married to someone that to him it wasn’t. I don’t even know if he felt it was wrong. It just it was like such a need. For him it felt like a need. I felt like a drug. His drug of choice was women, and that’s what it felt like. Being in that type of choice was women, and that’s what it felt like.
Speaker 1: 5:24
Being in that type of marriage was awful, and so I just wanted the relief. I wanted it to be over, even though I knew what that meant. I, of course, had a lot of fear around that and a lot of worry and concern. What’s going to happen to my kids? What’s going to happen to me as a stay-at-home mom? How am I going to start over? What career am I going to do in my 50s? And so just a lot of things I think we worry about, as women and men, of course, do too. But it was just an interesting experience.
Speaker 1: 6:05
So I’m going to take you back to what I wrote in my journal the day that I got the email from the attorney that we used. We went to mediation and I’m going to read you that. It says our divorce was finalized yesterday. I knew it was coming. I had just returned from a long walk. I didn’t read it, I just saw the attorney’s name and congratulations. Why would you congratulate someone for getting divorced?
Speaker 1: 6:39
I collapsed on my closet floor and sobbed. My son was home on my closet floor and sobbed. My son was home, so I put music on and crawled into my shower. My heart was broken. I felt so angry. Why was my former husband doing this? Why won’t he get help? Why do I love someone that is a total jerk? And I didn’t use the word jerk in that sentence. I logically know I’m absolutely doing the right thing, but my heart hurts so bad. I felt so sad all day just processing. My boys sent something. I just want to tell them. I don’t want to wait.
Speaker 1: 7:28
In reality, I did wait a few more weeks and when we finally told all of our kids, I think it was relief for them too, because I didn’t realize the amount of stress and feelings that I was putting off in the house. And I understand that now, like trauma, your nervous system reacts, of course, to other people. We regulate through other people, and so the energy that I was producing because I was in complete turmoil, because my husband was having another affair and I knew it, but I didn’t know it, if that makes sense and so they felt something. So immediately, really, the day that we told our two youngest boys, my former spouse moved out of the house and that was it. And, very strange, now fast forward two years later.
Speaker 1: 8:43
I have never felt so much peace in my life as I do now, and I attribute that to really learning and understanding about my nervous system, because I lived my life in fight or freeze I’m going to say, probably most of my marriage and it was awful and, of course, there were times that I was in a good place and I wasn’t really agitated or numb. But I would say that living like that and I’m also going to say a lot of us, a lot of you listening are not living your best life because you are dysregulated often. And so really about a year ago is when I learned about my nervous system and I don’t know why. I mean you’ve heard of people like back in the day they used to call it nervous breakdowns. People had a nervous breakdown and we just now, recently, which I’m so grateful for that we have TikTok. I’m not a TikToker, but my kids are. They learn a lot on there Probably some bad stuff, but actually, I think, a lot of helpful things.
Speaker 1: 10:10
On Instagram, people are putting content out there to teach you about your nervous system and actually it was just a day that I was at therapy and I think I had mentioned like help me understand my nervous system, and that day was life-changing for me because I realized that I wasn’t crazy, I wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t mean, I wasn’t all the things that my former spouse said I was. It was because my body was working just like it was supposed to. It was protecting me, and, as I have been divorced for two years, it’s also been interesting because so many memories of different little situations have come back to my mind. I had disassociated from them because they were too painful and I was trying to raise babies and I was trying. I was just surviving. I was just trying to do the right thing. I was just trying to be a good wife, a good mother. I was just trying to live and take care of my family and so many things that happened. I just blocked out and I don’t think I really understood that was possible until I started experiencing. Vivid memories come back into my brain and they were always there. It’s just that my brain was protecting me because I wasn’t able to do anything about them at that time, and so that’s the beautiful part about our brain.
Speaker 1: 12:10
But the other thing is our body remembers, and so, as I’ve had to heal and those of you that have experienced divorce, I would highly encourage you at least wait a year before you start dating, and I know for some of you that is really hard. For me that was so easy. I have no desire. I’ve been divorced for two years. I haven’t been on a date yet. I’m just not interested because I had so much healing to do that. I don’t want to bring my baggage into a relationship. I want to heal from that. I don’t want to. I want to help my kids heal To me. That’s my number one priority.
Speaker 1: 12:55
So learning about my nervous system was huge, and then I had the opportunity to get trained in the nervous system and understand what it looks like so I can help other people heal and understand their nervous system, which is such a great tool because it puts a name and a reason to why we have like a flash of anger or why we can’t get out of bed for several days. And to not make it wrong about us, to not judge ourselves, like, of course we feel this way, of course giving ourself compassion. Probably a year ago it was actually around Mother’s Day, so actually in May, yeah, I found out my former spouse was going to get married and that was a I like thought that might happen, but I thought he’s, why would he marry, why would he get married? Like there’s no reason for him to get married. But that was another blow, like that was hard. It took me, I’m going to say, three weeks to really recover from that, which actually three weeks isn’t that long, right, like I had been married to him for 26 years. And so, as I, because I knew all this stuff about my nervous system I just gave myself permission and I had, you know, told my kids like mom, I’m just healing again here. My kids are very, we’re very open with each other and I just I’m like I just need a minute. I need a minute to process and feel, feel this, because it was just, it was a lot. So, anyways, I decided then I’m like I’m done, I’m done feeling this, so hurt by this man that just hurt me so much.
Speaker 1: 15:12
And so I’ve spent the last year like I think the first year of my divorce. I was numb still and in a fog and just trying to figure things out. I did a lot of life-changing things like sell my house, move, remodel it. There was a lot like trying to get you know, helping my son graduate from high school selling a condo, and there was just a lot right. And so this past year I’ve really, of course, still focus on my kids. I talk to my kids every day. Two of them live with me and my girls I talk to often.
Speaker 1: 15:51
And so building that, repairing with them, helping them heal I mean they’re on their own journey right now and I think young adulthood is one of the harder times of life, especially nowadays. It is hard being 18 to 25. It’s a hard time. I I am grateful that I am not in that stage, but I I just, of course, want to help them, but I just was like I’ve got to just focus, I’ve got to be the best me that I can be. And so I really feel like this past year I’ve done that. I’ve tried to do that with exercising, with connecting with other people, with working on myself, working on my business, doing those things that can help me be the best person I can be. So I’m not stuck in this.
Speaker 1: 16:51
I feel sorry for myself and what’s wrong with me, and so I, as I reflect, the one thing that I’ve noticed about myself is that I don’t get super down or super triggered anymore. There’s really nothing. This past week I had a lot of car issues and I had a flat tire and those things used to send me over the edge because it was like I was already living on the edge, feeling like I was getting lied to. My husband is he cheating on me? Who is he with? Is he really with his friend who he says he’s with? Or is it with a woman? Like always, these questions all the time. I just never felt secure. And was it really the truth? Because my gut was telling me one thing, my heart and my mind were telling me something different.
Speaker 1: 17:53
And so now that I’m, I would say, 80% in alignment with myself, maybe 90%, like I’m very aligned, if something feels off, I feel it immediately, and so why I think it’s so important to learn and understand your unique nervous system is because of that is you know if you’re in alignment or not, if you are doing what you were supposed to be doing, and if something feels off, you sense it immediately and you can fix it or decide like, okay, what’s off about this? How can I repair this? What’s going on? Or wow, I did not show up very good with my kids. I can repair. Usually I get it right when it comes out of my mouth, I realize like, oh sorry guys, like I don’t know what’s going on and it’s never about them.
Speaker 1: 18:54
And I think, as we want to blame people so quickly in our society, but when you’re snapping or yelling or treating other people with disrespect, that says nothing about them. That says something’s going on with you. What is it? That is your job to fix what inside of you is hurting or in pain. And so they’re just little light bulb moments that I’ve been having that this week.
Speaker 1: 19:29
I was like so yesterday I had to get a tow truck and I think before I would just like, oh my gosh, that’s so hard. But I’m like, no, I can totally do this, it was so easy. Got the tow truck, I met the guy at the gas station where my car was stranded, stranded it just. It felt easy when the tire guy calls and said you know what? Your tire is ruined and you need a new one, and actually you need two new tires and tires are not cheap. And so I just was like, okay, we got this, I can do this, it’s no problem.
Speaker 1: 20:13
So, having the ability to think thoughts that are going to serve me and help me feel like I’ve got this and the other thing that I have learned that I sold myself way too short in my marriage and divorce has taught me that I can do really hard things a lot and they can feel easy Meaning like raising young adults, their emotions, their experimentations, things that they’re doing, their pain. It doesn’t have to set me back as their mom. I can be a advocate for them. I can be their friend. I can make decisions and help them decide. I think in my past I let my former husband take that role and I took the sidelines, and now I don’t have to take the sidelines anymore and I don’t want to take the sidelines. I can have those hard conversations. I can have the love and compassion that I have in my heart and give to them, and I think they can feel it At least I feel it when we’re having the conversations. And so I think, look at yourself.
Speaker 1: 21:47
In divorce we have to wear lots of different hats and of course, it’s nice. That’s why marriage is so great. Like you have a partner, you have someone. That’s why I think you know if you can save your marriage, it’s the best way. Best way because there’s two of you and now I have me and, of course, a lot of help. But yeah, I don’t default to like I can’t do this. I don’t know how to do this. Instead, I think I can figure this out. I’ve totally got this.
Speaker 1: 22:26
So, as my journey now being divorced for two years, I still think I don’t identify as divorced, even though I totally am, and I am single, I just, and I am single, I just, I still feel, don’t feel married, but I just it doesn’t feel. I don’t know, I can’t really explain it, but I feel lucky, I feel blessed and you totally can feel that too, if you want. It is a choice. It is something that I practice daily to think abundantly, think that confidently, right Confidence is the thing that gets probably destroyed the most in an affair because we think we’re not good enough, they don’t want us, and so I’m so grateful for the confidence, the inner knowing that I’ve discovered these past two years and I’m not in a fog anymore, which feels amazing. I feel very clear and unfrozen.
Speaker 1: 23:42
I like to say and so give yourself time If you are divorced, give yourself time, don’t just jump into another relationship. I know that’s hard for some of you, but it’s going to serve you well if you can really heal from divorce and because there’s a lot of moving parts and a lot of healing that needs to happen and it’s going to bless your kids, help them heal. I last time I I think I did this they were like at a one or a two and I definitely know that they’re at a higher number. I didn’t really ask them. I think some of them personally are still struggling, but not necessarily about the divorce. That’s just their age and what things are happening in their life. What things are happening in their life Anyways. So I just want you to know that divorce can feel scary, but it isn’t the end. It is just like my new book is really awesome and I want your book new book and new, your new chapters to be really awesome and learning from those really painful moments that accumulated during your marriage but also the really good moments.
Speaker 1: 25:09
That’s another thing I’ve been working on is the timeline of my life and really of my marriage and because I don’t want there was a lot of bad and a lot of really painful things that I’ve had to deal with and release out of my body, but there was actually a lot of beautiful things that happened and those are the moments I still want to remember, not with this edge of anger or hurt or betrayal, but I want to remember them because they were my moments with my kids and moments that were real for me. They might not have been real for everyone in the picture, but they were real for me and the knowing that I did my best and I was doing the best I could is really important to focus on, because we can’t change our past, even though sometimes we all really want to. But we can learn lessons and hopefully not repeat them. But if we do, that’s okay. But just acknowledge like okay, I did the best I could with the knowledge that I did have and now I’m going to learn something different and I’m going to do it a different way. So I just want you to know that divorce isn’t the worst thing that can happen in your life and if that is your story, you’re going to be okay. If, by chance, that you’re able to reconcile your marriage, that’s amazing and I support that 100%.
Speaker 1: 26:58
I think so many people like to jump in and decide what you need to be doing and it’s none of their business. Just remember that it is only up to you and your spouse and if you believe in God. God, pay attention to what you want collectively with your spouse, so you don’t get other people in your ear telling you what they think you should do because they’re not married to that person. It is none of their business, really. Thanks so much for listening. If you like my podcast, please share it with your friends. Like and review. That’s how people find me and I will see you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after, sign up for my email at hello at life coach Jen with one ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at happily even after coach. Let’s work together to create your happily even after.
