Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
Okay, so today I have another great topic which has really been on my mind lately, and it’s funny because I didn’t realize I this was even what I was wanting to talk about, but as I was like researching some stuff, the word obligation had popped up in something I read. I was like, oh interesting. So I’m going to talk about obligations versus commitments, and this can apply to so many areas of your life. So I really want you to pay attention. If you feel like you have a lot of obligations in your life, it’s going to be a reframe. Retrain your brain to saying their commitments, because an obligation I’m going to give you the definition in a second, I feel like feels a lot heavier versus commitments, is more intentional and obligations can be a thought like I have a lot of obligations or I have a lot of commitments, and then what do you feel when you think that thought? So I just think it’s good to pay attention. Some people are gonna feel different than other people and so it really matters what you think and feel when you think a thought like that, because that’s going to make all the difference in how you do things in your life. It could really like up level your life if you can start rethinking, or even your marriage or your relationship with your kids. So an obligation this is the definition it’s a course of action that someone is required to take, whether legal or moral.
Obligations are constraints, they limit freedom. So, right there, an obligation feels like restraining, right. And I liked the legal or moral obligation because I was thinking about like your mortgage. Like if you have a mortgage on your house, you’re obligated to, first of all, you are obligated to have like insurance on your house, and some people also have to have mortgage insurance, but you’re obligated to pay it every month, right, and if you choose not to, which you can do the bank will eventually foreclose on your house and take your house away. So you can decide like I don’t want to pay that anymore, but if you don’t, you either have to like have a renter, like someone else paying your mortgage.
So there are obligations we have in our life. Someone, when you get divorced, if you have children under 18 in the state of Utah, and when you get divorced if you have children under 18 in the state of Utah, you’re required to pay child support. However, we’ve heard a lot of you know, you hear stories that single moms or moms with kids, their spouses and it probably could go the other way too, but usually it’s men don’t pay child support. They don’t adhere to that obligation, even though it’s legal. Well, what happens? They get penalized, they could have their wages garnished. Lots of things could happen. So just because I guess we have an obligation, not everyone decides to uphold those obligations.
In religion, we might have different obligations or things to do or with our kids. I think, looking at your kids, you’re obligated. Really, our society says until they’re 18, when they become adults, which I think is crazy. We need to change that. I think adults like maybe at 25. But anyways, I don’t know many 18 year olds that are official adults. But anyways, are we obligated to take care of our kids. Yes, you could get your kids taken away from you if you, you know, neglected them, abused them, and so there are legal ramifications with obligations, but also moral, okay, but a lot of times it just feels, I think, heavy, and a lot of times, with obligations, things like resentment, feelings like resentment, frustration, anger, attachment to the outcome come into play. And so it’s not a really great way to like live your life and your relationships if you always just feel obligated, as opposed to when you have a commitment.
And I think of, like marriage as a commitment. Right, we are committed to each other. We have agreed to a monogamous marriage. Now, that’s why betrayal is so upsetting is because, wait, we agreed to love each other in sickness and in health and to not go outside of our marriage to get our needs met. And then this happens, right, right, and it could be. You talk to the person that had the affair that they, oh they just felt so obligated to their family and so this gave them relief or whatever. It’s just a lot of excuses, but it couldn’t explain, like, because they were thinking this thought of obligation Right, as opposed to they weren’t thinking, they were committed, because when you feel committed, you feel much more love and joy, a lot more gratitude when you’re committed to something. If you’re committed I think of the Olympics right now. And these athletes are committed. I mean they have sacrificed a lot in their life to get to the top of their whatever they’re competing in. I always love gymnastics and swimming and running. There’s lots of summer Olympics I love, but anyways. And so the commitment. So just pay attention to your brain where it goes.
I think our society puts a lot of obligations on people and things and places, and so maybe reconsider like do you really want to think about it that way? Or would you rather think about like no, I’m just committed. I’m committed to my kids regardless whether they talk to me or not. Or I’m committed to my church, regardless of the weird people in it or the people that are irritating. Like you’re committed as opposed to like you’re obligated to go or you’re obligated to take care of your kids. So when you feel obligated, a lot of times we do show up with resentment, anger, jealousy, guilt, hurt. So a lot of negative emotions can come from obligation.
It’s almost like we have this tunnel vision. We can’t think of any other ways of being because we just can only see this one way and it feels like we’re shackled. We say things like we should do this, we have to do this, I don’t have a choice. So if you find yourself speaking in this the lot of shoulds or have tos, really consider because, honestly, you don’t have to do anything, you don’t have to pay your mortgage. Now you might have to. If you don’t pay your mortgage, you might get your house taken away, but you could intentionally choose to not. Or you could say I’m going to find people to move in with me and pay my mortgage for me or whatever right Like. So you take a lot of choice away when you just feel obligated with things. I think in a marriage, when you just are married out of obligation, right, it’s never going to go well and so. But reconsider finding other ways to think about it.
A lot of times we pay attention to what maybe other people before us our parents or relatives or other people they did. Well, this is the way we did it, so you need to do it, and so really pay attention to who you’re listening to, because a lot of times when we get an obligation, we are doing it for other people and not for ourselves. It doesn’t necessarily align with who we are. We’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Okay, when you show up with commitment, you have a lot more gratitude and excitement, desire, purpose, motivation, so a lot more positive emotions, right, a lot more freedom in your choices. You have a more open heart and mind. You are showing up to serve and be served. Okay, so think about that.
Think about the difference between how those feel to you and when you think about them. When you are committed, you’re saying yes because you want to say yes, not because you are obligated to say yes. Okay, there’s a big difference. And when you say no, you’re saying it because you want to say no and you mean it Like you’re not doing it because, oh, how are they going to feel if I say no, or what’s going to happen? You’re doing it because you know, you, that you aren’t going to be able to fully commit to that. Whatever the thing is, commitment brings a lot more honesty, inclusion.
People want to be around people that are committed. Right, we want to be in a committed family, a relationship, and we want to be around committed people. We don’t want to be around someone like. No one wants a friend. If you’ve ever like, I don’t know, I feel like this happens, I know I feel like I know I’ve told my kids this, like, oh, just be their friend, they need a friend. Like it’s like do you want a friend out of obligation? No, nobody wants a friend because some mom told their child to you know, be nice to you or whatever. And so really teach your kids that that’s not. But hey, hey, kid, I know, you know, if you talk to your children like, maybe teach them more of a commitment, like what kind of person do you want to be? Do you want to be the type of person that bullies someone or is nice to everyone? Or, you know, maybe just teach them that difference, because there really is. It’s subtle, but it is important, and no one wants to be the project.
Okay, when you’re committed, you have boundaries. You don’t let other people walk all over you. You have, you know this is who you are. But that is unacceptable, right? And I think about this in betrayal, like and of course, you did the best you could, I did the best I could with where I was, but I think if we were more committed to what we believe in for me I’m going to just speak for me, for me, I’m going to just speak for me. I could have stood up for myself a little bit more and not allowed someone to treat me that way, because I would have, you know, been committed to me. Not necessarily I was very committed to my marriage, but committed to myself as well.
Commitment says I see you doing, giving and sharing, and I want to be a part of that. I want to help you. How can I help you? So you’re just very, you’re just much more open, you’re committed, you’re generous. Okay, you’re going to have healthier relationships. When you’re committed to those relationships, you’re going to have more integrity, right, obligation. You’re going to have lack of communication, lack of respect, dignity, but in a commitment, you’re going to have more joy and freedom. When you’re committed, you’re going to say things like here’s why I want to stay, here’s why I want to be here, here’s why I want to continue doing this. This is want to be here, here’s why I want to continue doing this, this is why it’s meaningful, this is why it’s worth it. Your thoughts, your actions, your behavior is going to be so much different, and so look at your life and see where do I feel obligated? And is that really true? Am I, I obligated? Can I switch it and say, actually I just want to be committed to this, I want to be committed to this project? Or even with paying bills?
I think people, especially with many issues like, uh, I have to pay the rent or I have to pay the electricity like really think about it, like aren’t we grateful we get to pay for electricity? Like I would die if I lived in a time where I had to, like, light the candle, or like we didn’t have electricity. Think of all the things that we use that have electricity. So I just think it’s good for your mind reset to anything that you feel obligated to do or pay or be, just rethink it and decide like actually I just want to be committed. I’m a person that is committed to paying my bills and I’m actually really grateful I have those bills because if I didn’t, I might not have electricity or something else. Okay, and that seems odd, but I think it can be really helpful in retraining your brain and refocusing.
Think you’re weighed down in obligation to reshift it, and it can really help in all areas of your life with your spouse, with your former spouse, with your children, with your job, your diet, like losing weight. Like if you feel obligated, you’re not going to probably lose any weight, but if you’re, like, committed to losing weight, chances are it’s going to be a lot easier to lose weight. Exercise like no one wants to feel an obligation to exercise, right, like, but if you’re committed, you’re going to exercise a lot easier. And I think this is such a great tool to teach your kids right, especially like with chores or doing things, and showing them that commitment is such a better quality is going to be a quality that’s going to serve them well, as opposed to you know like, oh, this is my house and this is you know, you’re obligated to keep your room clean. You’re obligated to keep your room clean. Well, that’s not going to go over well for anyone. Okay, that’s not going to encourage them to want to clean the room. If that’s how they’re feeling, they’re going to feel trapped and not seen and they’re not going to feel a lot of love coming from that space. So just pay attention when you have thoughts of I have to, I should, I have no choice that is coming from a feeling or a thought that you feel obligated to this, and really try to shift it and see maybe you could be more committed. Okay, and I just think this is really helpful in all areas of your life. And also, I’m just going to say this when you, because I have the thought many times that my former spouse is obligated to do certain things. So when you start, you know, instead of looking at yourself, judging other people if they should be obligated or not, I just want you to check yourself and be like no, we, first of all. We can’t decide for someone else how they should feel or think about something, and it’s going to be very unhelpful.
Also, I recently I had to talk to someone about an apartment my daughter was going to rent. We just said we were going to, she was going to rent this apartment. It was all we said. We didn’t sign anything. Going to rent this apartment, it was that’s all we said. We didn’t sign anything.
Well, this person called and was like you were obligated to do this and I was like no, we’re not, we just said it. But it felt he was making it a moral issue for me, right, like I was going back on my word. I was screwing them over. He said that several times. So just be aware which I didn’t like that he was telling me that I’m obligated to this. So when we project obligation onto someone else, it’s just not going to go over well, and so pay attention if it’s ever happened to you.
So I’ve really been thinking about this a lot, because I’ve had several scenarios recently of people thinking I’m obligated to them or me thinking they’re obligated to me, and so instead I’m going to look at myself and be like, okay, how can I be committed to myself, committed to figuring this out, committed to the situation, and I think if I am, then I’m going to be able to project that as opposed to obligation. Like, how can I have my ex-spouse see like, hey, let’s be committed to our kids? And I think it’s all in how we’re speaking, what we’re saying, how we’re communicating, the words we use matter. And so just pay attention to what words you’re using, because I think there’s a lot more leverage if it’s like, hey, let’s, I think we’re committed to our kids in this way, in doing these things for them, or I’m committed to, you know, my job, or whatever. It’s just going to go a lot farther with your boss, with other people, when you’re using that tone, that language, that feeling, and that’s much more open love.
Generosity, as opposed to obligation, is much more fear-based, negative. So I hope this was helpful. It was really helpful for me to actually like pay attention to both of these words, because there is a difference and I think we use obligation and it isn’t helpful. It’s not a great way to build a healthy relationship. No one wants to be in a marriage that people feel obligated to.
I’m sure I personally was in a marriage for much longer because I had a lot of obligation and fear around getting divorced and that, you know, didn’t prevent me from getting divorced, obviously, and it didn’t prevent my husband to being faithful he was unfaithful. So I think that is important. Like what you know, I don’t necessarily think like, oh, if I would have like been more committed, cause I for sure was also committed. We all, you know, can make our own choices, but it’s the for me, it’s how I’m thinking about something. How I’m feeling about something is going to make all the difference and it’s going to be bringing the result that I actually ultimately want. Anyways, thanks so much for listening. Please like and share, and if you need a coach, I would love to be your coach If you want to learn how to live happily even after. Sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
