Welcome to my podcast. Happily, even After. I’m life coach, jen, I’m passionate about helping people recover from betrayal. I rode the intense emotional roller coaster and felt stuck and traumatized for years. It’s the reason I became a trauma-informed certified life coach who helps people like you navigate their post-betrayal world. I have the tools, processes and knowledge to help you not only heal from the betrayal but create a healthy future. Today we begin to help you live happily even after. Hey friends, welcome to today’s podcast.
So what I’m going to talk about, if you have experienced betrayal in your life, you’re going to totally understand and you’ve experienced this possibly, and I for definitely have but it’s hypervigilance, how you feel you have to be hypervigilant after an affair, whether it’s emotional, physical, whatever kind of affair. Even pornography can create a lot of hypervigilance inside of us, and I just want you to. I want to explain the science behind it as well as why we do it. But it’s really because our bodies are trying to find safety, trying to find safety, and our brain, our lower brain, our caveman brain it doesn’t know if we are getting held at gunpoint or chased by a bear, or if we’re reading a text message okay, or seeing a picture of our spouse with someone, or having them lie to us. So all of those things feel very dangerous to our brain, and so it’s trying to protect us. And if we’ve had the experience of seeing an unwanted text message that you know is of your spouse and someone else you know saying all these things to each other that are very painful and hurtful, or I’m seeing a picture, or however you discovered the affair, it feels like you’re going to die. It feels literally like you. You know someone is holding a gun to your head or that a bear is chasing you. So it’s really hard for our brain to distinguish this.
So it is your job, as the human right to determine am I safe? And so what I like to do is I usually like will put my hand over my heart if I’m feeling unsafe and ask the question am I safe? And you can look around I’ve talked about this before like, scan the room yes, I’m safe and ask yourself then do you feel safe? Well, you probably don’t feel safe, right, but you can put your hand on your heart and try to calm your body down and connect with your mind and body so you can start thinking rationally, because right now you are, you know, looking everywhere for danger. You know it’s like the image of like digging through someone’s drawer and like we’re trying to scroll through the phone and anyways, if you know, you know, so during this time you might decide like, no, I don’t feel safe, but you’re just going to gather information. And so just if you can calm yourself down and don’t shame yourself, Every human wants and needs safety. Okay, we’re all seeking safety and connection.
So just remember that, like you’re not doing anything wrong, you might feel like you’re going crazy because it feels almost uncontrollable when you become hypervigilant. That’s why it’s important to calm yourself down. So things you might do or have done is looking through your partner’s laptop, phone bills, search history, tracking your partner, asking a lot of questions about where they were and what they were doing, who they were with. Just know this is normal, but it will not be helpful in long-term healing. So transparency if you are going to stay in your marriage with your partner whatever, if you are going to stay for sure, you have to have 100% transparency. So there is going to be maybe some extra steps that you’re going to decide together of what you need to help you feel safe and build trust. But if you’re not, you’re still going to have the need, like if you are getting divorced or separated or whatever. You’re still going to have this need to be hypervigilant and not necessarily, you know, if you start dating again.
I haven’t had this experience yet, but I just imagine myself I’m going to be on high alert. So whatever man decides to go on a date with me, I might I feel bad for him. I kind of I’m a little scared for him. I’m scared for me because it’s like I might be super hypervigilant. I’m hoping I am, you know, working on healing and I’m going to have to really be train my brain to be like okay brain, this man is safe. From all the things I know about him, he’s safe and it’s okay. So we just have to take control, be the boss of our brain and chances are, your spouse. If you are trying to heal this relationship and repair you just have to have faith in you that you’re going to be okay and that you’re watching your spouse, making sure that they’re doing those things. So you don’t have to be hypervigilant all the time because it is exhausting, have to be hypervigilant all the time because it is exhausting. If you’ve done this, you’re going to be exhausted, but it’s totally normal, no shame.
So remind yourself that your partner didn’t have an affair because of something you lacked, for whatever reason. Our brain goes to this. We think, oh, if we would have been better in some way. And that’s why I tell you I say this all the time is because we have to believe it in our head, in our body, our heart that this is true. The decision to have an affair was their choice. Okay, they have insecurity. They needed validation. Having an affair is a huge dopamine hit like a drug, and so just remind yourself that. Right, it becomes a way to stop feeling their negative feelings. So this says everything about your spouse, your spouse or ex-spouse, whoever it is. The reason they had the affair was all about them. They’re going to need to figure out that on their own. So if they say I’m not going to therapy, there’s nothing wrong with me. That is a huge red flag and I would highly consider they’re not for you, possibly right. If they’re not willing to dig down deep to figure out what is going on for them, why they did that, I’m just going to say it’s a red flag, and then what I want you to do is make sure you’re taking care of you and you’re creating safety for you and doing your work.
Number two you aren’t crazy. I know you feel crazy, but you aren’t crazy, you are traumatized. It is a traumatic thing if you somehow so many people it’s like they even like find their kid’s iPad, that their wife or husband’s phone is connected to and they don’t know that, and you are like putting the iPad away and you just get all these messages that are something that you wish you hadn’t seen. It happens all the time with you know, the iCloud’s a great invention. Unless you’re trying to have an affair, then it causes problems for a lot of people because they don’t realize that sometimes it gets saved on an Apple Watch or an iPad or someone else’s computer. We’re all connected. So it is really it’s very traumatizing to see that someone that you loved is talking to another person in a way that is inappropriate, inappropriate. Okay, your nervous system’s job is to keep us alive and safe, okay, so just remember, you’re healthy, your nervous system is doing its job. But you aren’t crazy, you’re just traumatized. It’s very traumatic.
So when you’re especially after discovery you know when your spouse is 30 minutes late to work you can’t think like, oh, maybe there was traffic, oh no, you’re just going right to. Oh, they met up with the other person. They are lying to you. You can’t think rationally, your brain is not thinking rationally at that time, and so your body goes into complete overdrive. You become obsessed with all those things that I talked about before digging through their phone. So I just want you to focus on what you were thinking and feeling when you have the urge to look through all their stuff. Okay, can you try to resist the urge sometimes? This is just going to help you. It will get easier the stronger and more healed you become. So you might be able to resist the urge nine out of ten times at the beginning, or no, not nine out of ten times. Resist the urge like one out of ten times and then, as you get more healed, it might become easier and easier. You don’t have that overarching like this insatiable urge. It’s like incontrollable in your body. But just remember it’s because you were traumatized, you didn’t do anything wrong and you aren’t crazy.
Focus on your spouse’s behavior and how you feel when they are with you. I think it’s really important to start mapping the good moments, because I guarantee there are good moments and they’re not lying 24 7, hopefully and are they transparent? Are they willing to give you their phone to look through? Are Are you able to ask? Or is every time you ask, they like get super mad at you and say you’re crazy and you’re never going to heal, and start blaming you? If that’s the case, then they’re probably hiding something right, and so just focus on their behavior more than what they say to you. And if they’re like, oh, you can look at my phone anytime, and then, the moment you ask to look at their phone, they like make some excuses. They say, oh, in a second or whatever. Pay attention to that and just take note and pay attention to how you’re feeling.
And number four you can’t control your partner’s behavior. I know it feels like we want to control them. I know a lot of people try, but no one wants to be controlled, including you, and so stop trying to control them and just try to control you. You’re the only person you have control over, so I know it feels scary, but the sooner you can loosen your grip on this in your mind and your body and practice believing it’s true, the quicker you’re going to heal. Focus on what things you want to do Create boundaries right. You need to have boundaries.
If an affair has happened in your marriage, you probably need to create some boundaries. You need to learn to process your emotions and trust yourself. The better you get in regulating your nervous system, the more you will be able to handle setbacks and this is, setbacks are going to happen right. Whenever discovery of an affair happens, I’m just going to tell you it’s never. It’s just not over. It’s going to take a while because, unfortunately, your spouse has probably if they’ve been emotionally or physically, it’s kind of been an addiction for them. People, a lot of people, do not go cold turkey. I’m sure there are some that have gone cold turkey, but generally speaking, they’re not going cold turkey. So you’ve got to be prepared for some setbacks in your healing of your marriage or relationship. If that’s the route you’re going and it’s totally possible to do that you just need to make sure that you remind yourself that that’s probably going to happen.
You get to decide if you want to stay or go. I talk to so many women especially and it’s like, well, I’m just going to see what he wants to do. I’m like, well, what he wanted to do was have an affair and so maybe he’s not the best person to put all your choices with right. So really focus on it’s not your wife or your husband’s decision who, the person having the affair to then decide what we’re going to do with our marriage. I want you to choose for yourself, right, and I know that feels scary, because what if you choose to stay and they choose to go? Well, okay, do you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you? Okay, you’re going to have some work to do. Right, you might have some triggers with that, you might have some insecurities with that, but just decide and guess what? You can read aside every week, every month, every year and I would encourage you to do that just because you make a decision Like I see this in myself.
I made a decision to marry my spouse. I was married to him for 26 years. It’s been like 28, 29 years now. I made the decision. Well, I don’t think I re-decided, right? I just was like no, this is the decision I made and some of the information I was getting throughout my marriage affairs, right, I I just didn’t, I kept on, just choosing marriage. I guess I did choose marriage. I don’t think I intentionally chose it or I don’t think I consciously chose it until probably like 2018,. I don’t think I consciously chose it until probably like 2018, 2019. And then I was very conscious and very aware.
But if you can, you get to choose if you want to stay or go. There’s no rush and it’s never a black and white decision. So don’t go out talking to all your friends and family because they don’t have the kids. It’s not like they’re going to pay your bills, right. They don’t have the kids. It’s not like they’re going to pay your bills right, especially women. Sadly, there’s just a lot of discrepancy in a lot of us do choose to stay home with our kids, which is amazing, but also really scary when our spouse wants to get a divorce and he wants to fight us over money, and so I get it. You might choose to stay. You can choose to stay because it feels safer to stay than to leave, and that’s a legitimate choice. So just know it’s not a black and white decision.
Regardless of your choice, staying or leaving is going to be hard. Okay, staying married to someone. To have to rebuild your marriage after an affair and you’re feeling very hypervigilant and always on edge all the time. That’s hard, but then getting divorced is a whole other hard right and then having to date a new person and being hypervigilant with them. So we just have to really choose what we’re going to decide to deal with and choose it on purpose, and just know healing is going to always benefit you and your family. So, regardless of whether you stay or go, I would strongly encourage you to always choose healing, because healing you is going to affect generations.
Okay, another reminder when you find yourself being hypervigilant, is your worth? Did not go down because your spouse had an affair. The biggest gift you can give yourself is to focus on rebuilding your confidence and self-esteem. I know this is probably the number one thing that goes after an affair happens. After the discovery. You might have had a little lower self-esteem before, but like it just like drops low because we’re giving a lot of power to the spouse that cheated on us, right, we’re giving them telling us well, in our mind we’ve decided it’s because we weren’t good enough and that’s why they had the affair or whatever, and I can relate to this so much. But it is totally possible to focus on rebuilding your confidence and your self-esteem and learning to love yourself, regardless of what your spouse did, because what your spouse did had nothing to do about you and all about them. So now you can focus on healing you.
It is not your partner’s job to make you feel better, and it isn’t your job to make them feel better. They need to feel the pain they caused you and others that they hurt. This is really a hard one, right, because it’s like they’re crying and sad and like, oh my gosh, I, I hurt you so much, yet we’re trying to soothe them and they’re the ones who betrayed us, right? Um, this happens a lot with women, but totally happens with men too, and so just remember that’s not your job. It’s important when someone makes a mistake, regardless of what mistake, even if it’s not an affair, right, like our kids make a mistake, we need to feel that we need to. That’s how we move on and grow, is we feel.
If we have someone bailing us out all the time when we make bad choices, we’re never going to feel the extent of the pain we caused and we’re never going to have a consequence. And I see this a lot with me and my parenting. I have a hard time watching my kids make mistakes, and so it goes the same way with our spouse or someone that we love. They need to feel the gravity of what they did, and so this can be just helpful to remember and helpful to you. Know, practice it is hard, but in order to repair the marriage, they need to be 100% accountable and own what they did. And if they are not choosing that, then that’s another huge red flag and I would highly consider other choices that you could make, because otherwise you’re just going to be on edge, you’re going to be hypervigilant the rest of the time you’re with that person Because they’re never taking accountability and they’re not owning what they did, and so you’re choosing that type of life for yourself, and that’s going to be completely exhausting and miserable for you. Reminder it feels important to you Talk to your spouse about it, so I always call it going down the rabbit hole, and it happens a lot, especially right at first when you discover an affair.
But it can happen years later, right, I still have memories pop up. That happened like 20 years ago, like wait a second, like what about this? And so for me, I’m not calling my former spouse and asking about it, I just write it down. I’m like it’s probably true, I just decided. I’m like if something pops up in my brain, it’s probably true and I just answer the question. But for those of you that are in a relationship and are staying with the person that betrayed you, it is okay.
If you can’t calm yourself down and you’ve tried all the things to not go down the rabbit hole and something just keeps on coming up, it is 100% okay to ask your spouse about it. If you don’t feel comfortable asking them, you can write it down, send them a note, send them a text, put it in an email. Don’t hold on to it, because when you hold on to it then you’re just going to ruminate it in your head okay, and it’s just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger. Focus on how you feel. How does that thought make you feel? Pay attention. You already know what it feels like when your spouse is lying to you. So if you ask them about it and it feels like a lie, their response it probably is a lie. They’re probably not telling the truth. But sometimes you’ve created this big scenario of something that happened and you realize, like you hear them and you’re like, oh, that makes better sense. That makes much more sense than the story I created in my head. It’s okay.
Sometimes our brain is wrong Because remember, our brain can’t remember, can’t know if we’re getting chased by a bear or if we read an inappropriate text message, okay, so just know. Sometimes our brain is wrong and it’s making a bigger deal out of something. And the last thing I want to remind you about is you can change the channel in your brain. Some of us, for whatever reason, like to stay on the channel of my spouse is the worst and go into every, read over and over the text messages that we’ve saved on our phone and look at the picture with our former spouse and their new wife and you know. But all the things okay and that’s normal. But I would just encourage you when you are in a dark place, if that’s helping you heal, great.
But if you just tend to focus on that channel all the time, be intentional and change the channel in your brain. Write your thoughts down, hire a coach or a therapist, get your feelings out, go, work out, feel your feelings. If you’re like I just am not ready to let that go, designate a time of every day that you allow yourself to think about anything you want. Don’t judge yourself, but just say okay for the next 30 minutes I’m going to think about this and then I’m going to close the book and think about it again tomorrow at 1130 in the afternoon or during lunch or whatever the time is up. Stop and do it again tomorrow, because when we keep this channel, we’re keeping ourselves stuck and I want you to move through healing from an affair, whether you stay married or get divorced. You want to move through it. Okay, you don’t want to stay stuck in it. That that’s a miserable way to live. You’re just saying you’re the victim and you’re, you know, never going to feel better.
I have people tell me all the time like, oh, I don’t think you can heal from betrayal. You totally can heal from betrayal. I’ve experienced it. I mean, I’m not perfect. I have setbacks, but yes, you can totally heal and I know you can. It just takes a lot of work and energy and effort and there’s so many other great things out there in the world than to think about what your spouse did with someone else. So fill your brain with those things. Live your life. Your life is meant to be lived, not wallowing and getting stuck in the mud of your spouse’s affair.
So, just so you know, it’s totally normal when you are hypervigilant, but hopefully I gave you some things to remind yourself that you can do, some tips and tricks to do so. You don’t have to stay stuck in that heightened emotion and take all those actions that aren’t going to be helpful in your healing. Anyways, I hope this was helpful. If it was, I’d love for you to like and share. Leave me a review. That’s how other people find my podcast and that can help them, and I will talk to you next week. If you want to learn how to live happily even after sign up for my email at hello at lifecoachjenwith1ncom. Follow me on Instagram and Facebook at Happily Even After Coach, let’s work together to create your happily even after.
